Teaching boundaries to pre-school aged kids

[Momling]

I have two foster daughters -- 4 & 5 who are affectionate and lovely girls... but are very needy and have a complete lack of understanding of social boundaries. Both girls happily go up to strangers to talk to them, hug them, pet their dogs or ask why they have crazy hair or a broken leg or look weird or smell bad. Earlier this morning, one told an adult she had never met that she had pooped and not wiped. At the pool, they spend their time going from adult to adult (who they do not know) trying to be held by them and at church try to sit on laps of adults they do not know. I do understand where the neediness is coming from... and we talk about boundaries and I do my best to prevent... but it's hard for me to try to balance keeping them safe with encouraging positive social interactions. It's also hard to try to explain to non-family/close friend acquaintances that we are working on boundaries and I don't want them to hold or hug the girls. I find many adults don't really understand why I don't want to encourage their being affectionate.

 

I was thinking it might help to do some role playing with them... what about any materials or books for kids? I was thinking perhaps something aimed at special needs kids might more clearly spell out social boundaries?

[mysticmomma]

I would talk more about sharing information. Bathroom language and the such are just for caregivers etc. commenting on peoples attributes can be offensive/ hurt feelings. give them a few things they can say instead. I actually think its great they are choosing people to talk to sit with. It is honing their intuition.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is not great that they are asking random strangers for hugs or to sit on their laps. It is a sign of an attachment disorder. And it puts them at risk. Not all nice mommy/daddy, grandma/grandpa types are safe people - even at church.

 

As far as books, there is "Boundaries with kids" http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Healthy-Choices-Children/dp/0310243157 but it is not a book designed to be read to children that age.

 

This picture book is on body boundaries http://www.amazon.com/Your-Belongs-Cornelia-Maude-Spelman/dp/0807594741/ref=cm_lmf_tit_10

 

Hopefully some adoptive moms might know of some books or materials that you could use.

[Pegasus]

It is a sign of an attachment disorder.

 

 

 

:iagree: I think this is a serious issue that goes beyond understanding social boundaries. I would seek therapy with someone who understands attachment disorders, if they are not already.

[bolt.]

I think I'd also find the budget for a pro with subject knowledge on attachment to give them (and you) some guidance.

 

If I had to go it alone, I think I'd have them physically sort toy people (or animals or vehicles) into categories based on the concrete criteria that apply socially to them, then teaching what kind of touching and talking are "allowed" for each group. Then toy-role-play a child-toy doing various things and get the kids to call out if its a mistake or pat the toy encouragingly if its OK.

[Spryte]

They are your foster daughters? I know foster parent training can vary widely from state to state, but we covered this type of behavior in depth in our training. Do you have a social worker (or better yet, the one that oversees the training of foster parents) you could call? Ours often sets up extra inservice training days - maybe you could request one on this topic?

 

The book that comes to mind, for me is Parenting the Hurt Child. It might have some good info on attachment issues. I can't remember.

 

Also, just off the top of my head - do you have the video on stranger safety by the Baby Einstein person? I can't remember what it's called - it has "safe side super chick"... It might help a tiny bit with identifying which people are okay to ask for hugs, etc.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My kids shake hands or do high fives. They are not allowed to hug anyone but certain named people. They also must ask for hugs. And we define what a hug is (hanging on someone, wandering hands, etc is not hugging!) Making strict rules about it makes it easier. And other people don't need to understand. They just need to respect it. Fact is that the mother of children with these sorts of issues sometimes seem "mean." Oh well.

 

The inappropriate conversations can be a little tougher. Really, most kids will stop some of this (well, make it age appropriate) once they are getting the needs met, aren't working so much on a fear-based level, etc

 

Your best bet, imo, is to make sure you are bringing them to a point of being better regulated. Keep things fairly low key. Connect with them, physically, cuddling, gentle, chatting, etc for 5-20 minutes first thing in the morning and last thing at night. AT LEAST. When in public, make sure they know what TO do (hold onto the stroller, stay within armslength, high fives, etc). Warning them what situations they may encounter and how to handle it will help. Make sure you pull them a little closer when it might be harder. Touching would be best. My son and I often squeeze hands in play and communication when we're in situations. Patting shoulders, tousling hair, etc works also.

 

It is really hard at first. Once they get the idea though, they really can handle it themselves.

[Coco_Clark]

You need to bring this up to your social worker. It sounds like textbook Attatchment Disorder and I'm surprised it wasn't covered in your foster training. It tooknup an entire day of mine. These are not overly friendly girls having "positive social interactions", and letting things progress can put them at risk later. Do some reading on Attatchment disorder and when people don't understand explain it to them. I have a close friend that has had to become very strict with people that do not respect her adoptive children's needs in this regard. People think its precocious and cute, but it can be quite harmful.