Need help...please!

[brehon]

So, in my family I work and my dh is retired. He is also the kids' primary teacher. Our kids' ages are 12, 10, 8, 6, 3, 8 mos. - so, a wide range with several grades in the mix.

 

Dh has been having difficulty lately getting the kids' lessons completed mainly because of a certain near (and generally dear) ds12. Normal hormonal pre-teen *stuff*, I suppose; but, combined with the other kids and their needs things get dropped. The 12 and 10 year olds are the ones with the most school work, obviously. For instance, I came home from work late this morning and walked in to a snuffling 12 yo and an extremely frustrated dh. <sigh> Apparently, ds had spent almost 3 hours on a review math assignment. Yes, I know that at a certain point the math should have been put away either for "homework" or the next day and ds start on the next subject. Ds is like me - once I become frustrated or upset everything shuts down. Ds did understand the material; he has successfully completed several assignments on the material.

 

I am not your stereotypical female, I suppose, in that if I see a problem or issue I look for a solution. (In that video someone linked about the woman with the nail in her forehead I could not empathize with the female at.all!) Too, I came home at 11:30 after a rough shift followed by an...intense meeting. I am exhausted. All that to preface the following. Once ds finished the math assignment I tried to talk with dh about where he thought the problem was. I have previously suggested giving a reasonable amount of time for assignments then moving to the next subject. The unfinished work will either be done for "homework", completed or corrected the next day, or worked on during the weekend (or whenever). Dh agrees in principle. The execution is another story.

 

I asked why dh didn't just stop the math at whatever time he thought was reasonable for completion. (Not in a snarky or ugly voice, just seeking clarification) He became a little upset and said he's trying to juggle 4 kids' school work, corral a toddler, and deal with an active, non-napping 8 month old. Well, I stepped in it (I fully admit my response was distinctly wrong! See above re: exhaustion). I said <brehon cringes and hangs head in shame> that there were many homeschooling parents dealing with the same issues. <sigh> Dh, of course, had the normal response. Not my best spousal moment. I apologized; but, well, you can't unsay things.

 

So, if you've made it through this missive, how can I help dh besides NOT saying such brilliantly unhelpful things. Any tips, suggestions, etc for managing a large brood and making sure all the necessary work is completed, especially for the 12 yo? I do help out when I'm not on duty. Dh and the kids, however, have a routine and I just feel like I'm in the way even when I ask dh where/how I can help. I usually just end up cleaning the house...yea, me.

 

Help?? Please!

 

P.S. Math itself, i.e., the program, is not the problem. It was just one example of many.

[Danielle1746]

I feel for you. And I'm not very experienced with homeschooling, so I can't give you much advice. But, I would just make sure you genuinely expressed your regret and apologies to your husband. Make sure he knows your apology is sincere, and explain that it was your issues that caused you to react that day (tough day, exhaustion, etc.), and not his ability (or lack thereof) to get the kids' schoolwork done.

 

But honestly, your plan sounds pretty good. Helping out where you can, and if you can't help with school, then help with the other stuff, like cleaning. That's what my husband does for me, and it makes a HUGE difference.

 

I'm sorry I'm not more help. :grouphug:

[Miss Tick]

Does your dh *want* help fixing this problem?

 

In our house we are both fixers and we work hard to suppress that instinct at home unless it is called on.

 

Sorry I don't have enough kids to be able to give advice on your question about completing the work.

 

Best of luck to you.

[brehon]

Does your dh *want* help fixing this problem?

 

Maybe. Hmmm...see this is my disconnect. Dh constantly remarks & complains about these things (inability to complete lessons, etc). I've tried being a sympathetic listener and when I've offered thoughts or observations or ideas he's seemed receptive.

 

I have asked him if he wanted ideas and suggestions and he's said yes.

 

In our house we are both fixers and we work hard to suppress that instinct at home unless it is called on.

 

Sorry I don't have enough kids to be able to give advice on your question about completing the work.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

 

edited to make answers clearer :)

[PeterPan]

Well clearly you missed the recent Mythbusters episode where they demonstrated HOW POORLY many men juggle multi-tasking! :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: While there *were* a few men who were ok at it (and there were a few women who flopped) to make them average out pretty closely, just to watch it was MINDBOGGLING when you saw HOW BAD some of the men were.

 

So that's thing one, that when he says he's got a lot more going on at once than he can handle, he probably DOES.

 

Thing two, why is your 12 yo not sitting down with a list that has concrete instructions?? It's time. If time is an issue, you write that on the list too. So the 12 yo has an assignment sheet that has a grid with every day, every task, and any particulars. You hand the kid a timer and you tell him set the timer when you start, this is the amount, stop when the timer goes off. Anything not done when the timer goes off he does as homework after dinner, before he watches tv or eats smores or whatever y'all do in the evenings.

 

That will solve the math problem AND the dad going crazy problem. Everybody down to the 6 yo should have a list. Actually even the 3 yo can have a list. Each child gets a list. Make it on the computer. Highlight the portion of their list they do with Dad. Then make DAD a list that shows him exactly who he is working with at each time. Give Dad an ipad or clock with big numbers, and everyone appears at their time. Create some buddy or incentive system to get this going for him. Could be as simple as when they show up at Dad's station (Dad is watching the 8 mo), they get a snack.

 

Yes, some kids' brains fall out of their heads at age 12 and don't reappear till almost 14, sorry. Sorry you're having to do double duty, working outside the home and putting together the homeschooling stuff. But if that's how it is, that's how it is. He's clearly gonna need some help to multi-task. Give them charts and lots of structure, something that they can understand enough so that Dad is supervising, not sheep-herding. Men supervise really well. Think factory. Time in, time out, clear expectations. And yes, the math with a time limit and the rest becomes homework thing we had to do for a while, right around that age. We don't have to now. Yes it was puberty. For a while, after we changed maths, blah blah, I still had to sit down and actually watch her (yes, even with something like TT) and snap her back to attention. Once she felt what it SHOULD feel like, she started to do better.

[brehon]

Arctic Mama, no worries. I work as a paramedic; it takes a lot to get me upset. LOL. Thank you for responding. Much of what your wrote we (dh and I) actually do with our youngers. My eldest is right in the throws of puberty and you can literally see him straining to become an adult...a man. (My eldest dd - the 10 yo - isn't that far behind him in terms of entering the hormonal roller coaster ride. <sigh>) We really try to give a lot of grace and understanding while maintaining developmentally appropriate structure with him. I'm finding that it can be so incredibly difficult parenting kids in radically different stages of development. I probably fail more than I succeed.

 

I completely agree about allowing lessons to languish. I *think* both ds and dh got into a bad groove yesterday with the math and everything just spiraled down from there. You know what happens when you get tunnel vision and can't break out of the rut? After chatting with dh a little more I'm fairly positive that's what happened. As it happens dh and the kids had TKD a little later and I guess everyone worked out their various frustrations because attitudes were so much better when they came home. Two cheers for hard exercise!

 

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[brehon]

Well clearly you missed the recent Mythbusters episode where they demonstrated HOW POORLY many men juggle multi-tasking! :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: While there *were* a few men who were ok at it (and there were a few women who flopped) to make them average out pretty closely, just to watch it was MINDBOGGLING when you saw HOW BAD some of the men were.

 

:smilielol5: So, the only things I really miss about not having satellite anymore (cable isn't an option) is that I can't watch Mythbusters and Top Gear!

 

So that's thing one, that when he says he's got a lot more going on at once than he can handle, he probably DOES.

 

True. :tongue_smilie:

 

Thing two, why is your 12 yo not sitting down with a list that has concrete instructions?? It's time. If time is an issue, you write that on the list too. So the 12 yo has an assignment sheet that has a grid with every day, every task, and any particulars. You hand the kid a timer and you tell him set the timer when you start, this is the amount, stop when the timer goes off. Anything not done when the timer goes off he does as homework after dinner, before he watches tv or eats smores or whatever y'all do in the evenings.

 

You know, Elizabeth, I have no idea. Last year we started giving him an assignment notebook with lessons, times, etc all listed in there by day and week. For some completely unknown reason this was dropped. You're right - we really do need to restart this, especially since he's at the age where he needs to learn and practice time management, etc.

 

That will solve the math problem AND the dad going crazy problem. Everybody down to the 6 yo should have a list. Actually even the 3 yo can have a list. Each child gets a list. Make it on the computer. Highlight the portion of their list they do with Dad. Then make DAD a list that shows him exactly who he is working with at each time. Give Dad an ipad or clock with big numbers, and everyone appears at their time. Create some buddy or incentive system to get this going for him. Could be as simple as when they show up at Dad's station (Dad is watching the 8 mo), they get a snack.

 

Yep. I think this will help. Dh and I talked again this morning and he said that getting *him* organized would help a lot. I remembered that several years ago I bought Managers of Their Homes. I never did anything with it; but, the more I think about it, something like this for school would probably help. I'm taking 5 shifts off at the end of June (which equals almost 2 weeks). Dh suggested that we use this time to get him and the kids completely organized (or as organized as a home with 6 kids can be :rolleyes: ). So, I think we have a plan.

 

Yes, some kids' brains fall out of their heads at age 12 and don't reappear till almost 14, sorry. Sorry you're having to do double duty, working outside the home and putting together the homeschooling stuff. But if that's how it is, that's how it is. He's clearly gonna need some help to multi-task. Give them charts and lots of structure, something that they can understand enough so that Dad is supervising, not sheep-herding. Men supervise really well. Think factory. Time in, time out, clear expectations. And yes, the math with a time limit and the rest becomes homework thing we had to do for a while, right around that age. We don't have to now. Yes it was puberty. For a while, after we changed maths, blah blah, I still had to sit down and actually watch her (yes, even with something like TT) and snap her back to attention. Once she felt what it SHOULD feel like, she started to do better.

 

You're right - no sense whinging on about something; just get in there and do it. It's funny; dh mentioned the other day that he has no memory of most of grades 6-8. I think he's remembering what it felt like to be in puberty. Or he's just extrapolating, who knows. ;) Thanks for the validation about the brains of some teens. Nice to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it may not be an oncoming train.

[BlsdMama]

I see this as a role reversal of our home, lol.

 

Okay, here's where DH is coming from:

 

If DS doesn't get it done in the time frame, then what? Just "roll it over." This is great in theory, but your DH is left to do it in practice/real life. It doesn't work. Do you just roll over Monday to Tuesday and then Tuesday to Wednesday and then by Friday you're still doing Monday's work because DS wouldn't do the work?

 

I'm on your DH's side on this one. IF DS CAN do the work and he's just choosing NOT to do the work from stubborness or ??? then, no, he'd totally be sitting there three hours later until I won. Why? Because you coming home and dismissing DH just confirmed to DS that he can get away with it.

 

Because the *real* problem here is either A or B.

 

A. - He can do it. He understands it. He just chooses to not obey and not do his work.

or

B. - He can't do the work and needs more or different explanation.

 

If B, then great! No issue. Maybe math is an area that Mom could take over? I would *love* it if my DH would take over one challenging area of teaching for me.

 

If A, then you really need to side TIGHTLY with DH on this one or it's going to snowball into a huge headache. A child who is capable of doing an assignment and makes a willfull choice to make it last three hours is not something a homeschooling parent ought to dismiss. It will become a nightmare.

 

ETA: Is this DH's first year homeschooling? If so it might be a good idea to invest in some Starbucks cards and introduce him to the idea of cookie day. There are days in your homeschooling career where you see your day simply is NOT going to improve by pushing through. It's on those days that you go to the store, get a Starbucks, the ingredients for making cookies and call a Cookie Day. They don't happen often but they are necessay.

[PeterPan]

Kelly is SO right on this cookie day thing, hehe. Make it a regular thing, like every Thursday, if you have a bad, regularly scheduled thing. Or just put balls of cookie dough in the freezer so all they have to do is pull out and bake.

 

As far as the schedules, maybe the reason you flopped is because you were hand writing them and made the approach too hard? I know some people need MOTH, but that doesn't mean YOUR dh needs it. It was made by a mom with more kids who also had severe depression and who knows what else (listened to them speak at a convention one year). That might be what her brain needed, but that doesn't mean it's going to fit your dh.

 

Here are some links to past posts I've made attaching schedules. There are LOTS of ways to make a schedule, and we change ours up to fit where she's at. Like I wouldn't even expect the schedules for all your kids necessarily to have the same format. However every child can HAVE a checklist that THEY can comprehend and pick up and use. I've modeled some of mine on schedules posted in years past by Abbeyej, so you might look for hers. The basic idea is I'm making a template I know my kid can comprehend and pick up and use. Then each week I just tweak it, filling in the new dates, new lesson # or pages, etc. If you use curriculum that happens to be broken down into tidy lessons, something like HST or Olly can print those weekly schedules for you. Think about that. You'd literally punch in all your lesson steps at the beginning of the school year, and then each week you'd hit shizam and print out the plan for the week. THAT would help you immensely and it would be worth the effort that it takes over the summer or whatever. Anyways, just to give you some ideas, here are past threads.

 

Please help me with structure!

 

I'm discouraged....let's talk scheduling...

 

Your 8th grader's weekly schedule?

 

Scheduling a 7th grader

 

Planner Psychosis

 

New homeschooler and struggling with sibling discord, etc. ***Don't miss this one!***

 

Do we need more time in our schedule? Hey, this one will look very familiar after you've looked at mine! :)

 

We started using a formal, typed checklist in 2nd. Before that we used cards in pocket charts, tubs where you just knew to work through each thing in the tub, etc. So there are different ways of doing this. Some kids might like workboxes or draws with tokens to move. In general though, I'd probably move them all to lists, just for simplicity for your poor dh. And I'll tell you, he's doing WAY more than mine would. ;)

[Heathermomster]

DS turned 13 yo last November. He has awoken a few days utterly useless. One those days, I insist he drink a huge glass of water, give him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and send him back to bed for a 1-1.5 hour nap. Ensure your DS goes to bed early at night, so that he gets plenty of rest. Puberty is hard work.

 

We do math immediately following Bible. I'm in the less is more camp. When DS struggles with a math area, we review for 30 minutes, take a break, and pick up again for a short 20 or so minutes in the afternoon. We use a digital timer. Blessings, h

 

 

[Tmhearn]

Here's my tip: Just nod and smile and agree that your kids are total pains. Ha ha ha!

 

Seriously, if my husband says anything other than "Yes honey, you do have your hands full..." I'm going to be annoyed. I just need him to agree with me that life is difficult right now. Sure, we can brainstorm later for ideas to change things, but right now I need him to just support me in my frustration.

[brehon]

I see this as a role reversal of our home, lol.

 

Okay, here's where DH is coming from:

 

If DS doesn't get it done in the time frame, then what? Just "roll it over." This is great in theory, but your DH is left to do it in practice/real life. It doesn't work. Do you just roll over Monday to Tuesday and then Tuesday to Wednesday and then by Friday you're still doing Monday's work because DS wouldn't do the work?

 

I'm on your DH's side on this one. IF DS CAN do the work and he's just choosing NOT to do the work from stubborness or ??? then, no, he'd totally be sitting there three hours later until I won. Why? Because you coming home and dismissing DH just confirmed to DS that he can get away with it.

 

Just to clarify here - I only talked with dh AFTER ds had finally finished the work. Even I, in my sleep deprived state, knew that much. <grin>

 

Because the *real* problem here is either A or B.

 

A. - He can do it. He understands it. He just chooses to not obey and not do his work.

or

B. - He can't do the work and needs more or different explanation.

 

If B, then great! No issue. Maybe math is an area that Mom could take over? I would *love* it if my DH would take over one challenging area of teaching for me.

 

Yeah, it's A. He just didn't want to do it. Not math, but dh asked that I take over the writing program. I am more than happy to do this.

 

If A, then you really need to side TIGHTLY with DH on this one or it's going to snowball into a huge headache. A child who is capable of doing an assignment and makes a willfull choice to make it last three hours is not something a homeschooling parent ought to dismiss. It will become a nightmare.

 

I completely agree.

 

ETA: Is this DH's first year homeschooling? If so it might be a good idea to invest in some Starbucks cards and introduce him to the idea of cookie day. There are days in your homeschooling career where you see your day simply is NOT going to improve by pushing through. It's on those days that you go to the store, get a Starbucks, the ingredients for making cookies and call a Cookie Day. They don't happen often but they are necessay.

 

It's actually not his first year homeschooling. But you are right about the Starbucks cards and cookie day! I think I'll surprise him with some gift cards to Starbucks or something. Good idea.

 

Thanks for replying. I'm sorry not to have answered before this. Absolutely C.R.A.Z.Y. weekend. Thanks for your ideas.

[brehon]

Kelly is SO right on this cookie day thing, hehe. Make it a regular thing, like every Thursday, if you have a bad, regularly scheduled thing. Or just put balls of cookie dough in the freezer so all they have to do is pull out and bake.

 

As far as the schedules, maybe the reason you flopped is because you were hand writing them and made the approach too hard? I know some people need MOTH, but that doesn't mean YOUR dh needs it. It was made by a mom with more kids who also had severe depression and who knows what else (listened to them speak at a convention one year). That might be what her brain needed, but that doesn't mean it's going to fit your dh.

 

Yes, you're right. I looked it over and, really, it is just. too. much. Dh liked some of it, but not enough for either of us to take the time to work out a schedule like that.

 

Here are some links to past posts I've made attaching schedules. There are LOTS of ways to make a schedule, and we change ours up to fit where she's at. Like I wouldn't even expect the schedules for all your kids necessarily to have the same format. However every child can HAVE a checklist that THEY can comprehend and pick up and use. I've modeled some of mine on schedules posted in years past by Abbeyej, so you might look for hers. The basic idea is I'm making a template I know my kid can comprehend and pick up and use. Then each week I just tweak it, filling in the new dates, new lesson # or pages, etc. If you use curriculum that happens to be broken down into tidy lessons, something like HST or Olly can print those weekly schedules for you. Think about that. You'd literally punch in all your lesson steps at the beginning of the school year, and then each week you'd hit shizam and print out the plan for the week. THAT would help you immensely and it would be worth the effort that it takes over the summer or whatever. Anyways, just to give you some ideas, here are past threads.

 

Please help me with structure!

 

I'm discouraged....let's talk scheduling...

 

Your 8th grader's weekly schedule?

 

Scheduling a 7th grader

 

Planner Psychosis

 

New homeschooler and struggling with sibling discord, etc. ***Don't miss this one!***

 

Do we need more time in our schedule? Hey, this one will look very familiar after you've looked at mine! :)

 

We started using a formal, typed checklist in 2nd. Before that we used cards in pocket charts, tubs where you just knew to work through each thing in the tub, etc. So there are different ways of doing this. Some kids might like workboxes or draws with tokens to move. In general though, I'd probably move them all to lists, just for simplicity for your poor dh. And I'll tell you, he's doing WAY more than mine would. ;)

 

Thank you! Thank you! I've spent the past days perusing the linked threads on and off. How could I have forgotten about Abbey's stuff? I've used a lot of her ideas throughout the years. DH and I talked some more and I remembered that I had actually sat down a couple of years ago and made some nifty weekly schedules for the kids. With a few updates and edits I think they'll work well. Dh will start using them this coming week and we'll tweak them as needed. Thank you again for your information!

[brehon]

Here's my tip: Just nod and smile and agree that your kids are total pains. Ha ha ha!

 

Seriously, if my husband says anything other than "Yes honey, you do have your hands full..." I'm going to be annoyed. I just need him to agree with me that life is difficult right now. Sure, we can brainstorm later for ideas to change things, but right now I need him to just support me in my frustration.

 

Yeah, hindsight in 20/20. <sigh> That's what I should have done.

[PeterPan]

Thank you! Thank you! I've spent the past days perusing the linked threads on and off. How could I have forgotten about Abbey's stuff? I've used a lot of her ideas throughout the years. DH and I talked some more and I remembered that I had actually sat down a couple of years ago and made some nifty weekly schedules for the kids. With a few updates and edits I think they'll work well. Dh will start using them this coming week and we'll tweak them as needed. Thank you again for your information!

 

Good, glad you found a path forward! I know, we all forget brilliant things we once knew and need to be reminded of them... :)