Help needed - Fear of going to sleep

[Shamzanne]

My eight year old daughter, who until now has not had problems like this, was exposed to some scary ghost stories about a month ago. We had also just lost someone close to us, so there were a lot of high emotions at the time and she started sleeping in my bed (I'm a single mom). I thought it would fizzle out, but it has become worse.

 

At this point, she is terrified of closing her eyes because of the scary images. We just spent a week trying baby steps with the idea that by the end of the week (tonight) she would sleep in her bed. She would start sleeping on the floor in my room, but them climb in bed with me by the end of the night. The last two nights, she refused to even be in her room alone without all the lights on.

 

No amount of incentives or coaxing will get her to even try going to sleep by herself. She is absolutely insistent that she cannot close her eyes when she is alone in her room. She comes into my room every five minutes crying and begging until I give in and let her sleep with me.

 

Her room is adjacent to mine and there is a light on in the hall. She is very obedient, so to have her disobey my direction to return to her room has me a bit flustered.

 

Does anyone have any advice or experiences like this? The reason I am adamant about getting her back in her own bed is that we have family coming and she will want to stay at Grandma's house with the cousins. I can't stay with her and I don't want my parents to have to deal with this or be woken by her in the middle of the night. Plus, I work from home at night and she doesn't rest well in my room while I'm working. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[swellmomma]

A couple ideas but first a questions. What are your family beliefs when it comes to ghosts et al.?

 

As for ideas, first I would discuss your family's beliefs about ghosts etc with her during the day when everything is bright and sunny. All kids wrestle with a fear at times at night and ghosts/monsters are rather common. When my kids faced this fear we discussed our family beliefs. Which for us was a lot of talk about what a ghost is to us, what angels are, and praying. For example, we believe ghosts are real but they can not hurt you as simply a spirit they are there to communicate (and that ghosts, poltergeists and possessions are very different things to be handled differently). So our rule here is if you think there is a ghost in your room to say "I am going to sleep now, you have to leave, good night" Sometimes the kids will add on "see you tomorrow" or "say hello to great gramma". We also believe in guardian angels, (which ds9 has direct contact with one we believe) and that the angels are watching out for them, so if they feel they are not okay in their bed (such as continued belief of a ghost there after saying goodnight to it) they can ask their angel to watch out for them and keep everything else away. Lastly prayer, if they are still scared(which is pretty rare if they did the first 2 things) then I pray with them for a cover of protection by Jesus, and that anything that is in the room that did not belong to leave immediately. With dd5 she has defense #4 friend zombie who sleeps under her bed and eats monsters and scares away all the ghosts except for friend ghost that moved in with us last week.

 

As well other calming tricks that help, music playing softly. I really like using classical, piano instrumentals, or those ones with the background nature sounds to work best, but sometimes put on soft christian music or soft rock even. Lavender oil spritzed on the pillow. And if needed melatonin.

 

Now given your daughter's age, I would do the first section I talked about and then give melatonin with the music playing. The music will help calm her down long enough for the melatonin to kick in, while the first part will make her feel she is in control of the situation.

 

Ultimately you want to create a new routine, fix her sleep cycles and make her feel safe.

 

At her age I trained myself to imagine the carebears coming and doing thier stare to get rid of any bad things. I thought about it so much at night as I fell asleep that they would appear in my nightmares too to scare off bad things. Using your imagination to regain power is helpful.

 

The more power she feels she has over whatever she feels is there the better she will feel about sleeping there soundly.

 

lastly, I think this would be a great time to do a mini lesson during school about different genres of stories. Focus on oral tellings as opposed to written work. So tall tales, urban legends, campfire stories, native mythology etc. Talk about what makes a story really good when presented orally (delivery, suspense, mystery etc). Compare how many of those stories include tales of the paranormal like ghosts. And then discuss fiction vs nonfiction in the written word. Are those oral tales more like fiction or nonfiction. Why are they more like fiction. Then reminder tht fiction is make believe, it is not real, so then the events in those stories is not real either. Finish up with making up your own ghost/campfire stories.

[Shamzanne]

Thank you, Swellmomma! I appreciate your thoughts and ideas. I especially like the idea of the mini lesson on stories. It seems like a good way to encourage her to use reason and think her way out of this. I don't have experience with melatonin but I will start researching. I will also get some lavender essential oil. That is a great idea. We have been using music and she says it helps a little.

 

As to your question, I wouldn't say we have a family belief but I tend to be a skeptic or at least agnostic regarding ghosts and guardian angels. Because of that, I have told her that the ghosts and scary images aren't real. We have talked about God and the Holy Spirit as a comforter and have read comforting psalms and passages.

 

I am wondering whether my telling her that the ghosts aren't real is being dismissive of her experiences. I will think about whether to speak of the possibility that they might be real.

 

You have given me a lot to think about and some practical things to move forward with. Now, maybe I can get some sleep! Thank you again.

[duckens]

Nighttime is a vulnerable time for us as humans anyway. We are tired, possibly a bit hungry (low blood-sugar), and have extra time for thinking. Even Nobel prize winner Stephen Hawking writes about the extra time he has at bedtime for thinking (about physics). Negativity (I will be harmed) and unrealistic thoughts (I will be harmed) can occur in many forms during these bedtime hours (unless, of course, one is thinking about physics :laugh: ).

 

Your daughter has some scary images/ideas in her head.

 

She needs new images/ideas to cover up the old images, and she needs LOTS of them.

 

It is going to be extra work for you, Mom, and I hate to suggest any of this since you are doing the tough job of parenting on your own. There is no quick fix if you want to do it right.

 

1) I agree with PP (swellmama) about discussing ghosts during the day, and how (whether you believe in them or not) they cannot hurt you. We use the phrase in our household of anything scary or unrealistic in media (movies, pseudo-documentaries) as, "It makes a GREAT story, but....." So, even if the ghosts were harmful or menacing in the story, we have never heard of ghosts doing that to anyone we know....EVER!

 

Stories of harm from ghosts never get reported on the news, and when there are media examples (pseudo-documentaries on tv), we discuss the p.o.v. of the media makers and their motivation to make it as scary as possible for the sake of more viewers and (ultimately) money. This teaches a double whammy of how seriously these shows should be taken (because many things can be explained with reasonable explanations), and to be skeptical of media in general.

 

1b) Introduce your daughter to James Randi. He is constantly debunking the paranormal.

clip discusses the science of photography when considering "ghostly orbs." Preview the clip before sharing it with your daughter, because I could see how the paranormal part could add fuel to the fire. However, YOU could learn from the photographic explanations and relay that part to your daughter.

 

2) As mentioned in my premise, your daughter needs good thoughts/stories/ideas to cover up the bad thoughts. At bedtime, read to her a bunch. Read to her until she falls asleep. If you feel the time could be more productive, then do schoolwork until she is so tired she feels she needs to go to sleep; especially since both of you will be up late, and will be dead tired tomorrow.

 

3) Let her sleep with the light on if she is in her own room, and she feels she needs that.

 

4) Tell her that any time she cannot sleep, for any reason, she can turn her light on and read until she is tired. If she turns the light out and is scared again, turn the light back on for more reading.

 

5) If she needs to sleep in your bed, but is still disturbed by bad images, then get her a headlamp to read to herself. Tell her to put it on "red light" so it does not disturb your sleep as much. This is the model I have. We purchased it at Target or Kmart. Tell her that she can read as much as she needs to as long as she minimizes disturbance to others in the household.

 

6) Be prepared that she may be sleeping in your bed for the long haul. Be okay with that. I know it's tough, but I've never met a parent of grown children that says, "Gee, when my kids were little and scared, I should have been there for them LESS than I was! I should not have comforted them as much as I did!" Twenty years from now, when she is grown, you want her to say, "My mom was always there for me."

 

All things pass. They potty train. They learn to say the word "squirrel" clearly. They learn to tie their shoes. Things we think they will NEVER outgrow actually have a finite end. We want a good ending.

[duckens]

Shanzanne says:

I am wondering whether my telling her that the ghosts aren't real is being dismissive of her experiences. I will think about whether to speak of the possibility that they might be real.

 

 

She could also know intellectually that ghost are not real, but the thoughts/images scare the bejesus out of her.

 

I believe that everyone is scared of something.

 

I am afraid of zombies. There are times I will NOT go out to the (unattached) garage at night ....even for ice cream in the freezer! Sometimes I will...but sometimes I won't! Intellectually, I know there is no such thing as zombies, but the original Night of the Living Dead movie (that I first saw as an adult) freaks me out!

 

Loverboy is afraid of Bigfoot. He saw a pseudo-documentary of Bigfoot at a movie matinee as a kid.

 

Dd6 is afraid of spiders, even though she realizes intellectually that she is bigger than they are, and we do not live in a part of the country with many poisonous spiders.

 

There are those who will question my maturity because I am afraid of zombies, but it has been an asset when discussing fears with children:

 

1) Everyone is afraid of something.

 

Sharing my fear of zombies helps really scared kids to laugh at my fears with me, and it protects them from being teased by siblings or peers. It makes them feel not so bad about their own fears.

 

2) The first step is to differentiate between what we know intellectually:

 

"There is nothing to fear from zombies [or ghosts]."

 

3) But to realize that the fear is real even if one knows that intellectually the danger is not.

 

The tricky part is that we don't want this extreme but very real fear to interfere long-term with your daughter's life. We don't want her too scared to move out at age 18 because of ghosts. We don't want her too afraid to do the things she wants to do or needs to do in life because of her fear of ghosts. We want her to be able to get ice cream from the freezer in the garage when she wants to.

[JNW]

I had terrible time being afraid to fall asleep as a child. I remember praying when I was about 7 or 8 that I wouldn't have any more bad dreams. I must have prayed in faith because I did not have any more trouble falling asleep or having bad dreams after that. 25 years later I still remember that as a time when God heard and answered my prayer. Maybe it won't be that simple but I hope it will!

[Pippen]

I'm big on empowering anxious kids. Put a baby monitor or cell phone in her room. Trial it out during the day so she understands that she can contact you immediately if needed. Don't delay even for a moment if she calls at the beginning. Start with short periods of time during the day and then work up to evening hours and finally nighttime hours.

 

If she needs a light on right now, go with it. In fact, give her a huge blaring flashlight to sleep with as well. She'll overcome anxious situations more readily if she feels like she has some control.

[MomtoCandJ]

My dd is only 4 but we are having sleep issues as well. One issue is she knows I'm going to have a baby (in January or February). The other is ghosts and monsters. Not sure what to do about the baby part but we have made her "monster spray" (lavender spritz) and she has a night light and a flashlight.

[katilac]

I wouldn't worry too much about sleeping at Grandma's with the cousins - if she's sleeping with others, she'll probably be fine! I would take the advice about filling her head with good thoughts, stories, and images, and just take it as it comes. If you encourage her too strongly to return to her room, that might actually backfire because the fear will make her dig in. I would, whenever possible, join her in her room rather than have her come to mine (I know that might be limited for you with your work).

 

If you can't be in her room with her at night very often, I'd try to make sure to be in there with her during the day, doing fun stuff. You want to keep those positive associations going, for when she is ready to transition back to her room.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, other than that the fear is real and there's no way to make her not be afraid. It's not an obedience issue, imo. And she may not sleep as well as she should in your room while you're working, but she's sure not going to sleep well in her room either, if she's afraid to close her eyes!

 

The cousins sleepover might be a great transition, if you're lucky. If you can, follow it up with several days loaded up with hard physical activity and outdoor time - swimming is ideal, but playing at the park works too.

[lailasmum]

I really struggle to fall asleep, not for for those reasons but audiobooks really help. Could playing really soft sweet books at bedtime help? I actually leave them on all night so they are there when I wake up. Maybe books that are meant for a much younger age. Also there are very sweet meditation/relaxation cds for kids with guided visualisation type things available that could be an alternative.

[AK_Mom4]

I triple the big bright flashlight idea. This was a good transition for one of mine from needing the light on all night because she was scared of the dark. We gave her a big bright 9V battery flashlight that she could turn on anytime. Let her sleep with all the lights on for a while if she needs it. Music helped us as well as audio books.

[Shamzanne]

Thank you, everyone, for your help! I have lots of ideas to start implementing. I am especially thankful to not feel so alone in this. :)

 

I am off to buy an industrial flashlight and some lavender oil!

[Pippen]

My dd is only 4 but we are having sleep issues as well. One issue is she knows I'm going to have a baby (in January or February). The other is ghosts and monsters. Not sure what to do about the baby part but we have made her "monster spray" (lavender spritz) and she has a night light and a flashlight.

 

With mine I found it helped to stop talking about the baby. I found that so much of my daily chatter and talk with other people focused on the coming baby. I think my desire of making sure my little ones were well prepared really backfired and caused anxiety instead. I know it sounds counter intuitive, but less talk/preparation/reading/etc had a calming effect.

[Starr]

I have a child that listens to the audio Narnia stories over and over and over. Does she have a favorite book that can help soothe and distract her until she falls asleep?