When you can't go to a relative's funeral

[athena1277]

Dh's mom told us yesterday that one of her brothers, who has suffered for years with a degenerative disease, is very near death. He need dialysis, but his heart is not strong enough. I don't think anyone will be upset that dh does not make it to the funeral (we just don't have the money for airfare right now). I know it would be the nice thing to do to send flowers in our absence. However, flowers for funerals are sooo expensive. Is there something else we could do to show our sympathy that is more affordable? I have considered making a donation to a charity in his honor, but the family wouldn't know about that until well after the funeral, so it feels like an afterthought.

 

I hope it does not sound tacky that I'm asking this before he has passed away, but I am one of those list-making planners who likes to have a plan long before it's needed.

[mysticmomma]

Can you send flowers now to his mom or SO? Just "we are with you in spirit" or something? You could also send a note/mass card to the funeral home to be displayed. Have you looked into bereavement fares?

[mumto2]

I would send a card with a note that you have made a donation to whatever charity in his honor. Maybe print some info to include in card.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Just send a card. I don't think flowers are necessary if you can't afford to send them, and I don't think you're under any obligation to donate to a charity, either. Personally, I think it can be nicer for the family to receive a card with a thoughtful note written inside, than almost anything else. If they're Catholic, a Mass card is always a nice thing to send.

 

What does your DH's family usually do about this sort of thing? Perhaps your dh should ask his mom what she thinks you should do, although I really think that if your dh isn't incredibly close to his uncle, a nice card will suffice.

[PrincessMommy]

often in the obit there is a "in lieu of flowers" notice that names a charitable organization or two that the deceased's family has chosen. I would wait for that so that you know it's going to something they would have appreciated. Then also send a nice sympathy card, and you can tell them you made a donation in your uncle's memory.

 

but, also, my dad got a couple of very nice potted houseplants, as well as a small "memory garden" terrarium for my mom's funeral that were sent by family/friends. He was very touched to have something like this in his home to remember Mom by. I suspect they were not nearly as expensive as a funeral flower arrangement, but perhaps similar in price to a charitable donation?? Just an idea to check into.

[gardenmom5]

If going in on flowers with another family member is not doable, how about a handwritten letter about your positive memories of this family member. (NOT some pre-printed generic sympathy card that will get tossed.) You can actually get started on that now, so that it can be refined and go through edits to get your thoughts expressed. then when you do get word of his death, you can print/handwrite copy it off and send it in a timely manner.

 

when my father died - people donated to various charities. my mother asked for one particular charity (releated to cause of death) in lieu of flowers, but people did their own favorite charities. (which I thought was tacky.)

[Catwoman]

If going in on flowers with another family member is not doable, how about a handwritten letter about your positive memories of this family member. (NOT some pre-printed generic sympathy card that will get tossed.) You can actually get started on that now, so that it can be refined and go through edits to get your thoughts expressed. then when you do get word of his death, you can print/handwrite copy it off and send it in a timely manner.

 

I think that's an excellent idea. And if you want to send a Mass card or a store-bought sympathy card as well, you can just tuck the letter inside the card or the envelope.

 

when my father died - people donated to various charities. my mother asked for one particular charity (releated to cause of death) in lieu of flowers, but people did their own favorite charities. (which I thought was tacky.)

 

I hate that, too. If people want to donate to their own favorite charity, they should do it in their own name, because they're doing it for themselves. It's not "doing something nice" for the bereaved family if you donate to your own favorite charity instead of the deceased person's favorite charity. Tacky, tacky, tacky. :glare: