Secretive Family Culture

[Scarlett]

Quills example was about a marriage but she and others mentioned other things that are kep secret. And while it is true people can keep or share as much or little as they want, a relationship with a person who reveals so little of themselves is very shallow to me.

 

Sure Quills miscarriage was a personal thing, but when her mother went to thanksgiving dinner doesn't it seem reasonable that she would at least ask Quill if she wanted family to know? I would have wanted people I care about to know.

[Laura Corin]

I agree with regentrude 100%. You keep saying what you feel and what you want, but it isn't about you. It's about them.

 

 

Yes.

 

Laura

[Catwoman]

Quills example was about a marriage but she and others mentioned other things that are kep secret. And while it is true people can keep or share as much or little as they want, a relationship with a person who reveals so little of themselves is very shallow to me.

 

 

I don't see it that way at all. I don't think a person should have to reveal their innermost feelings or marital/family difficulties with me, just because she's my friend. If she values her privacy and prefers not to discuss her problems with me, I can completely respect that.

 

In fact, I get uncomfortable when people reveal TMI on a regular basis. I want to be a friend, not a therapist.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I don't see it that way at all. I don't think a person should have to reveal their innermost feelings or marital/family difficulties with me, just because she's my friend. If she values her privacy and prefers not to discuss her problems with me, I can completely respect that.

 

In fact, I get uncomfortable when people reveal TMI on a regular basis. I want to be a friend, not a therapist.

 

 

To me being a best friend doesn't mean all or even the majority of our conversations are about deeply personal things. But if I am close friends with someone and find out from someone else that she has been separated from her husband for months....that would give me pause.

 

This thread reminds me that there are many many types of people in the world.

[Catwoman]

I agree with regentrude 100%. You keep saying what you feel and what you want, but it isn't about you. It's about what them.

 

 

I agree, too.

 

Quill, I know you say that the couple is "just so sympatico; they are such soul-mates," but the fact is that you have no idea of how they behave in private. They may very well have been putting on a very convincing show for friends and family for a long time, yet secretly loathe each other.

 

Ultimately, their choices are their own, and they don't need to explain or justify their decisions to you or to anyone else. I know you have a good heart and you want to help, but sometimes people simply don't need or want help from anyone else, and I think when you're in that kind of situation, you need to step away and give them their privacy, whether or not you think they are making a mistake, because it's really none of your business and you have no right to interfere. (I know it's hard, though! :grouphug:)

[Catwoman]

To me being a best friend doesn't mean all or even the majority of our conversations are about deeply personal things. But if I am close friends with someone and find out from someone else that she has been separated from her husband for months....that would give me pause.

 

This thread reminds me that there are many many types of people in the world.

 

 

I would think that was pretty odd, too -- I think a close friend would at least say that she and her dh were separating, even if she didn't provide additional details. The only explanation I would have for a situation like that would be that one person considered the relationship to be a close friendship, but the other person thought they were casual acquaintances.

[Melinda in VT]

For the most part, I don't think people are obligated to tell me things, but I do think how much they choose to tell me is an indication of how close our relationship is.

 

There have been times when I have not shared things I was worried about or struggles I was going through because I needed to process them on my own. However, those periods lasted only a couple of months and if the end result was a significant change in my life, I told my family and friends. even when the initial disclosure was uncomfortable and I knew it would cause pain, I chose to have a relationship without the walls that secrecy creates.

 

My husband comes from a secretive family culture, and we have tried to explain to our kids why we have chosen to behave differently in our relationships.

 

I do think there are times when family members are morally obligated not to keep secrets. "You have half-siblings. X or Y runs in our family. So-and-so is sick and might die." These are all cases where keeping the secret harms the person not being told, and their right to know outweighs your right to privacy.

[Guest]

I agree, too. Quill, I know you say that the couple is "just so sympatico; they are such soul-mates," but the fact is that you have no idea of how they behave in private. They may very well have been putting on a very convincing show for friends and family for a long time, yet secretly loathe each other. Ultimately, their choices are their own, and they don't need to explain or justify their decisions to you or to anyone else. I know you have a good heart and you want to help, but sometimes people simply don't need or want help from anyone else, and I think when you're in that kind of situation, you need to step away and give them their privacy, whether or not you think they are making a mistake, because it's really none of your business and you have no right to interfere. (I know it's hard, though! :grouphug:)

 

I know that I don't know how they are at all times and can't know externally how another couple truly is together. Besides that, they live in another state, so it's not as though I see them for hours and hours a week. Still - don't you ever admire another couple, based on what you do see? Don't you ever admire another mother because of how you see her interact with her kids or keep her house and her figure, or admire another lady because she can knit anything that springs to mind? So, it was like that. I admired the fun they seemed to have together. Now I feel like I just found out the gold I won was Leprechaun Gold. It adds to my disappointments and sense of disillusionment about life in general.

 

I would think that was pretty odd, too -- I think a close friend would at least say that she and her dh were separating, even if she didn't provide additional details. The only explanation I would have for a situation like that would be that one person considered the relationship to be a close friendship, but the other person thought they were casual acquaintances.

 

Well, I guess I can find a bright spot by saying my brother did confide in me, out of all the other "folks back home" he hasn't been telling. (It's my brother, not a sister; I was trying to keep the details out - World Wide Web and all.) I was going to pick his brain about foster care because they have been such awesome foster parents. But he said, "Well, we're not fostering right now..." So maybe if it's all about me and what I want, I can be pleased that he did tell me eventually and before he told anyone else.

[Catwoman]

Quill, I was just thinking about this, and maybe your brother has wanted to tell you what was going on for a while, but he felt awkward about picking up the phone and calling you about it. He might have been quite relieved when you were having a different discussion and he found a way to mention what was going on, without having to bring it up on his own.

 

I can particularly understand his hesitancy if the rest of the family saw your brother and his wife as "the perfect couple." If they'd never gotten along, it would be easy to call and say they'd separated, because everyone would be kind of relieved for him, but in this case, it sounds like everyone liked his wife, and he might have been worried that he'd have a lot of explaining to do.

 

It says a lot about your relationship that you were the one he told about it, though. I think that's really nice.

[Alte Veste Academy]

When I had a miscarriage, my mother went to Thanksgiving Dinner with all my siblings and did not say a word about it. I guess some of you feel that was the right thing to do, let me have my "privacy." But I personally would much rather have gotten a call or card or anything that said, "I'm sorry to hear what happened," than for everyone to shrug and say, "Oh, Danielle couldn't make it. Well that's a shame. Pass the mashed potatoes."

 

But that was your private matter to share or not, as you were comfortable. If you wanted your mother to share, you could have simply asked her to please tell the family because you could use the support and prayers. I had three miscarriages before my three were born and besides DH, I only told my BFF. No way did I want my whole family and all my friends to know.

 

People are just different. I did not want sympathy. I did not want to share my pain. I have zero judgment for people who take an opposite approach, but people are different--not better, worse, more or less dysfunctional because of these preferences.

 

I know that I don't know how they are at all times and can't know externally how another couple truly is together. Besides that, they live in another state, so it's not as though I see them for hours and hours a week. Still - don't you ever admire another couple, based on what you do see? Don't you ever admire another mother because of how you see her interact with her kids or keep her house and her figure, or admire another lady because she can knit anything that springs to mind? So, it was like that. I admired the fun they seemed to have together. Now I feel like I just found out the gold I won was Leprechaun Gold. It adds to my disappointments and sense of disillusionment about life in general.

 

Knowing of their current troubles should not negate your previous impression of them. They are simply human (I know you know that, LOL). That is all. Just because they are having problems now doesn't mean they have been secretly unhappy for years. They have met with one of life's great challenges, but that doesn't mean that they were putting on an act all along. Gosh, maybe they did not share because they were so used to being "perfect" together. Maybe they felt so not themselves that they didn't know which way was up. Marital strife, being at odds with a person with whom you were seemingly always so happy and just plain your best self would be disconcerting. Some people like to work out their own feelings...especially when they don't necessarily even know how they feel or where the relationship will end up.

 

Try not to get hurt feelings over this. Just pray for them, regardless of what they share and do not share.