I've had it with my MIL....

[J-rap]

She sounds like a kook. I'd cut off all contact. I know, it's hard when you're raised to be polite. I'm glad you're moving!

[G5052]

I am so sorry to hear of what you and your DH are going through. I can relate, as your MIL sounds exactly like my dad. I grew up as an only child with this kind of crazy, so I can really empathize with you *and* your husband.

 

I found a wonderful book as a thirty year old that turned on the lights in my world: "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. Highly recommended. Also "Safe People" by the same authors.

 

If you haven't been raised by a malignant narcissist, you might not realize just how crazy crazy can get. Both of my parents are totally out of touch with reality, and will lie to me about events where I was present, things I said, and what I think. The level of denial is truly frightening with this kind of mental illness.

 

Thank God you are moving 1000 miles away! Woo hoo! Great start! I left no forwarding address when I moved. :-)

 

Since you're asking for advice from those who have been there, here's a start:

 

1. Your husband needs to separate himself from his toxic parents, and he will need a lot of love and support to do that. It sounds like he had a lot of the same toxic guilt I had growing up and as an adult (still do when I'm stupid enough to contact my parents). Statements about him being "disloyal" because he's moving away, etc. are ridiculous. I heard similar.

 

2. If you are a Christian, please seek out a healthy church to help him through this. Some Christian churches have some very toxic ideas about family unity and loyalty to parents. These churches just make it worse. Most are healthy, though. My own church, Fellowship Bible Church in Atlanta, just had a series on some of these topics online (www.fellowshiproswell.org). I've spoken with my pastor personally about my own situation, and he's very understanding and supportive. His sermons might be helpful.

 

3. My husband and I cut off all contact between my parents and our children when my oldest was 8 months old. My father was already making creepy sexual comments about my baby while we changed his diapers, he berated us constantly to feed/do everything the opposite of what we were doing, and refused to put his methadone out of reach of our baby at his house. Yes, you read that right.

 

4. You owe these people nothing. Absolutely nothing. They are adults. They should know how to respect other people. They have no business overriding your decisions for your child (name, food, etc.). Now, it's candy. Next, it will be toys you don't want him to have. Who knows what they may give your son or enable him to do when he's a teenager. Stop it now. No one should ever teach your child to ignore his own loving and responsible parents.

 

5. Watch your credit, etc. Narcissists are identified by their sense of entitlement. In my case, my parents used my identity to rack up a lot of debt in my name when I was a teenager. They see nothing wrong with that to this day. They are angry that I would even mind having to spend years to pay off over $50,000 in debt I didn't willingly incur. That said, you might want to make absolutely sure that your in laws don't have any tax info of your husband's (SS#, etc., if you can), and consider freezing your credit reports after you complete your move (mortgage, utilities, etc.). With them remaining in your hometown, they are in a good position to abuse your credit via your old address.

 

Please don't wait for an ugly surprise to find out just how bad it can get. Protect yourself.

 

6. Please find a real world support group for people who have been in these kinds of family situations.

 

7. Don't worry about your kids growing up without this set of grandparents. My father's parents were also crazy, and I can honestly say I wish I'd been kept away from them. They were abusive to me as a child. I worried for years about what my kids would think of me when they got older for keeping my parents out of their lives.

 

They have gotten old enough to ask about my parents, and I've told them the age appropriate truth. They accepted it just fine and were very understanding. It will be ok.

 

8. Moving is a great opportunity to cut off all contact. I disagree that confrontation will help. Your MIL is mentally ill. You might as well talk to a brick. I spent 10 years going to four separate counselors with my parents trying to heal that relationship, and it was a total waste of time and anxiety. The prognosis for adults with narcissistic personality disorder is pretty grim. Cut the ties and move on.

 

Set up your phone where they can't reach you on demand. My husband set up my phone where my mother can call me and leave a message, but it doesn't ring through. I have no idea she called until I check my messages. It has taken away her ability to shoot my day down with a phone call.

 

It can get better. Please cut these toxic people out of your life. I promise it's ok. God Bless you.

 

GA Cub Mom

 

 

Yes, I agree with all of this. The books cited are excellent. And I haven't hesitated to get professional advice at several points during the story. Sometimes hearing a professional say that your relative is toxic is what you need.

 

Our kids have never really known grandparents. On one side they were gone when they were preschoolers, and I shielded them for years from the others. And I've gradually provided more information about that as the years have gone by. As teens they probably know more about mental illness and setting boundaries than most, but that's OK.

[gardenmom5]

7. Don't worry about your kids growing up without this set of grandparents. My father's parents were also crazy, and I can honestly say I wish I'd been kept away from them. They were abusive to me as a child. I worried for years about what my kids would think of me when they got older for keeping my parents out of their lives.

 

They have gotten old enough to ask about my parents, and I've told them the age appropriate truth. They accepted it just fine and were very understanding. It will be ok.8. Moving is a great opportunity to cut off all contact.

ditto ditto ditto ditto. the narcissist was my grandmother - but my mother was so under her control - it only improved things slightly. My father had an opportunity to take a position in another state - and I can only imagine how different my entire family's life would have been had he taken it. this was in the days when the only long-distance communication was phone calls and letter.

I disagree that confrontation will help. Your MIL is mentally ill. You might as well talk to a brick. I spent 10 years going to four separate counselors with my parents trying to heal that relationship, and it was a total waste of time and anxiety. The prognosis for adults with narcissistic personality disorder is pretty grim. Cut the ties and move on.

:iagree: confrontation only makes them more angry and likely to lash out in an attempt to subdue you back into their perception of the "proper order of things". the only thing that works and is within your control - is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and do NOT feel guilty for erecting them and ticking her off!

[Ann.without.an.e]

My in-laws can be horrible. My father in law is actually worse than my mother in law :(

 

I would.....

 

1) happily move, you need distance

 

2) delete her as a FB friend, she's lost that right.

 

3) Keep her at an arm's distance. I have had to learn this the hard way. We keep a relationship with my in-laws but we don't visit frequently (even though they live only 40 minutes away). We only see them once every month or two, at most. We usually do invite them for Birthdays, etc. I am cool and casual with them. I sit quietly and stay reserved. They aren't worthy of my frustration. I don't get lured into their petty little arguments. I just sit, with my mouth closed. I don't really say much at all. I don't open up and share feelings or plans, etc. They aren't people that I trust to really let into my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. They have lost that right.

 

4) Once you are moved, let DH call her if he wants and don't feel any obligation whatsoever to talk to her on the phone.

[Tammyla]

BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend This is an excellent book for dealing effectively with very difficult people, and it's available at most libraries. I get that you've been trying to be the nice one in your relationship with mil, and it sounds like it's working very well for her. Kwim? You can change you, but you are never going to change her; honestly from experience you can be nice until the cows come home and she is just going to get meaner. Her treatment of your ds is so wrong for a grandma.

 

 

:iagree: Moving sounds like a very good idea, but learning to set some boundaries with a toxic relative is a skill many of need to acquire.

[Dustybug]

Let me just tell you that your MIL must be related to mine. :glare: I get it. I REALLY REALLY get it. Big ((hugs)). I agree that your DH needs to say something to her, but he needs to do it firmly and forcefully. If he doesn't do it like that, she'll ignore it. You need to set clear boundaries. Have your DH tell her that if she can't stop badmouthing his wife and children, she won't be allowed to be included in your life. If she ignores you, then purposely distance yourself for a good while and see if she changes her ways before allowing her back in. That is the ONLY thing that has even remotely done any good with my MIL. The issues aren't gone, but she does behave better than she used to. My MIL used to tell me my children would NEVER walk correctly because I didn't put shoes on them until after they could walk well.

[Dustybug]

Oh, and block her on FB. MIL or not, she is crossing the line there.