Made a psych appt. for my preschooler

[ondreeuh]

I know my 5 year old has ADHD. I have known it since he was 2. I have tried to manage it through a very controlled environment, but he has a LOT of energy, a very short fuse, and he hits when he gets frustrated. I am NOT making excuses for his behavior - I know it is unacceptable. At the same time, I know that he does it impulsively and no amount of lecturing, time-outting, or punishing will be effective. It takes a LOT of work to role-play and model better responses to frustration and it is a LONG process.

 

A few months ago my son started preschool with a WONDERFUL teacher who "gets him" and says he is a blessing to her classroom (despite the hitting). Today they had a sub, who confronted me in front of all the other parents at pick-up to prompt my son to tell me how many time-outs he had today and why. He said, "Because I'm a bad boy" and she said, "And why are you bad?" I was so upset. I asked her to talk to me privately in the future, as it was embarrassing to have this discussion in front of the other parents. She said she was just a sub, and she would talk to his teacher about his behavior. I emailed his teacher when I got home, and she was wonderfully reassuring. She talked to the sub about how it was unprofessional to discuss my child's misbehavior in front of the other parents, and it was never OK to call a child bad. Regardless, my heart hurts so much. I am humiliated and don't want to see the other parents at pick-up. I don't want them to think I haven't tried to teach my child to be gentle. I don't want them to resent him and me for affecting their children.

 

After lunch I took my kids to visit a farm school. I've only heard great things about this place, and thought it would be a good fit for my preschooler in the fall as it is very hands-on and mostly outdoors. Another mom came to check out the place at the same time with her daughter who would be in the same class. This girl was very quiet, stayed by her mom's side, and had to be prompted to quietly put together a puzzle. Meanwhile my son was running around, interrupting, climbing all over the benches, and asking a million questions. I could see the director was a little exasperated. I asked her honestly if the school could handle him, and she wasn't sure. She said she would be willing to try. She asked me if I have had him evaluated.

 

He is so creative, curious, and imaginative. He has a workshop, a store, and is making his own school. He has a lot of gifts, but his impulsiveness just overshadows that and makes it hard for other people to see anything besides "annoying" and "aggressive." The world is not ready for him, and my heart is breaking. I made a psych appointment for 2 weeks from now, and she's probably going to recommend medication. I am NOT opposed to medication and general, but this is just hard. My other two kids have ADHD and are on meds, and it makes a world of difference in their ability to learn. My youngest learns well (because I can teach him 1:1), so I feel like I would be medicating him to change him to fit society's expectations. Of course I want him to be able to play with kids and make friends ... but this is just hard for me right now.

 

Please be gentle with me. I am pretty fragile.

[Tokyomarie]

Andrea, sending you hugs. Be gentle with yourself. You are taking the first step to get help. You have experience with ADHD and meds. I'm sure it's hard to come to grips with the idea that yet another child may need meds. But it sounds like he needs help in order to get to where he can negotiate social situations safely. It would be so much better for him to get whatever help he needs now, before other kids learn to avoid him due to his behaviors.

[geodob]

While it can be viewed as ' medicating him to change him to fit society's expectations'.

It can also be seen as medicating him to enable to him join in.

Where I would suggest that being able to form ongoing friendships is far more important than the concern about meds.

Along with helping him to keep focused when learning.

 

Though another important side of him taking the meds, is that it will no doubt give him some control over these impulses.

So that he can see the impulses as sort of separate from himself.

Where it was of concern that his explanation for his behaviour was: 'Because I'm a bad boy ?'

But the meds will help to understand that his impulses are nothing to do with him being a bad boy.

An idea that needs to be removed from his idea of himself.

[Ravin]

I'd have had some impulsive things to say to that teacher! If a farm school can't handle an active little boy, I wonder what is wrong with them. I, too, would hesitate at starting meds so young and for reasons more to do with other people than your son's needs.

[ondreeuh]

While it can be viewed as ' medicating him to change him to fit society's expectations'.

It can also be seen as medicating him to enable to him join in.

Where I would suggest that being able to form ongoing friendships is far more important than the concern about meds.

Along with helping him to keep focused when learning.

 

Though another important side of him taking the meds, is that it will no doubt give him some control over these impulses.

So that he can see the impulses as sort of separate from himself.

Where it was of concern that his explanation for his behaviour was: 'Because I'm a bad boy ?'

But the meds will help to understand that his impulses are nothing to do with him being a bad boy.

An idea that needs to be removed from his idea of himself.

 

 

Trust me, I tell him that he is a GOOD boy. He hadn't said he was a bad boy for months until yesterday. Sometimes he will tell me that he has a bad brain that makes him do bad things. It breaks my heart. At those moments, I want to give him a Ritalin infusion. Most of the time he is happy - bouncing on the mini trampoline we keep in the living room, creating a "camp" under the table, making picket signs for "free jobs" lol, filling cups with bubble solution and locking them in a cooler in his "workshop"... I see how he can channel that energy into creativity and I love it.

 

But you are right that impulse control would be a gift to him. He NEEDS that to feel successful.

[violamama]

I'm so sorry about that awful sub. Intentionally shaming a kid?! So very frustrating. I'm glad his regular teacher gets him and has reassured you.

 

Hoping you find the path that fits you guys best, and many more good-fit teachers come your way.

[Ottakee]

We started meds at 3 for one of my kids and I kept telling the doctor that "if I had known then what I know NOW, we would have started at 18 months".

 

IF meds are indicated, you can be giving him the gift of impulse control. That can help his safety, peer interactions, learning, family dynamics and self esteem as he wouldn't be in trouble so much.