Help me get over my feelings being hurt. . .(CC and church band mentioned)

[shell in SC]

OK, first of all you have to know that my feelings get hurt VERY easily. Second you should also know that I am very self-conscious about my music skills. So. . .

 

I sing/play keyboard in the praise band at church. I enjoy playing along with singing, but if I could only do one, I'd prefer to sing. I have a lower range (I sing alto). I'm the only female that sings, and so I'm mostly singing harmony, which is fine. . .I have an ear for picking out harmonies.

 

Well a girl has been coming back to our church that used to sing with the band. She stopped going there before we started attending there. Since she's been back she's been singing with the band. She has a great voice and she sings higher than me so initially I didn't think it would be a problem. I figured she's sing melodies, I'd sing harmonies and I was really looking forward to some great sounds. . .alas. . .that's not to be. She's one of those people that sing all over the place. . .she'll sing melody for the verse/harmony for the chorus or whatever. That's great if there's nobody else singing, but I feel like we're tripping over each other vocally. There are also two guys that sing-the pastor (who is also the worship leader and guitar player) and my dh. DH doesn't sing loud unless it's a song he really knows well and the pastor for some reason has been defering to the new girl vocally since she started singing with us. . .that's great, but when she starts singing the harmony you can't hear any one really singing the melody (it's too high for me to sing).

 

Oh, one more tidbit, when someone new starts coming to church, the pastor falls all over himself to make them feel at home and welcome (to encourage them to stay cause we're a bit stagnant when it comes to church growth). He goes about it to the point where he totally ignores other members and other peoples feelings get hurt. . .it's like the whole world revolves around "Tom" new person. I'm gonna end that there, cause I could go into a whole other issue. I think you get the point though.

 

Here's where my feelings got hurt. . .

 

Last night at practice, it was too much female harmony vocals when we all sang, so I didn't sing at all. . .the pastor didn't say a word. Didn't ask if something was wrong (which he normally would have had I not been singing my part), didn't ask why I wasn't singing, nothing. DH noticed that I hadn't sang at all, in fact at one point I asked him to turn my mike off (that would have normally gotten a response from the pastor too). So I guess my feelings are hurt cause I feel like I was completely pushed out of singing. I feel like we (DH and I) were just there to fill in the gaps while this person wasn't attending our church. I feel ignored and rejected, and it hurts.

 

I really don't want to sit up there and play the keyboard anymore, cause I feel like I'm not good enough to sing, but since there's no one else to play keys they'll let me do that. I feel like someone punched a hole in me and the air is slowly fizzling out. I really love playing/singing music and it's a huge part of who I am.

 

OK, my rant is over. . .I just needed to get that our there!!!

 

shell

[Crissy]

Shell, I'm going to try to say this gently.

You chose to stop singing. No one pushed you out.

 

I know it's hard to confront people, but when you want something, or have an issue that you want to clear up, you must ask for it.

It seems you were hoping the problem would be addressed when you chose not to sing. It wasn't, so you requested that your mic be turned off. They still didn't take a hint and now you are upset.

 

You cannot expect people to know what you are feeling unless you tell them.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: BTDT with the hurt feelings in worship. There were so many times I had to grit my teeth, smile and repeat, it's not about me, it's not about me.

 

I find that praying and reading some thing about worship would help me get past my own feelings to deal with the issue. I like Bob Sorge, Louie Giglio, and Lamar Boschmans' book on "Exploring the mysteries of worship".

 

Once I can get past the "me" part of it I had the strength to deal with the interaction with others that needed to happen. It sounds like you two need to get on the same page. From a technical aspect can you approach the worship leader (pastor) and ask for clarification on what to do?

 

I haven't sang on a worship team since we moved two years ago, but I still find I have to deal with certain unresolved feelings over the time I did. It all goes back to my insecurity with my own ability. I sing low alto/tenor, btw.

[nakitty]

In my experience....passive aggressive behavior rarely works on men....no offense to men...they just appreciate a more direct approach. I would simply smile and say, to the other woman, "You have such fantastic range....I just cannot keep up! Could you possibly sing melody because I can only sing harmony...and I really have enjoyed singing in the band...." blah blah blah....give her a chance to fix this...she may genuinely not know she is stepping on your toes. As far as the preacher....give him a break too.... I highly doubt he is trying to insult the other parishioners.... he is just trying to keep your congregation vital... But if it really does hurt you... TELL HIM.... we women often make the mistake of thinking men are as empathic as we are... (with exceptions) they are NOT...they are thankful when we just tell them directly what is bothering us and not make them guess...:D

[nakitty]

I understand your frustration and your hurt.

 

If you're looking for a solution (and maybe you're just looking to vent, in which case, ignore the following): speak up.

 

 

 

Gently here . . . this paragraph sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. You're expecting the pastor and DH to read your mind and respond accordingly. That would be nice (and this is coming from the former Queen of Passive Aggression) but it's unrealistic and unfair--to them and to you.

 

Can you find a way to voice your concerns about the dueling vocals with the girl and/or the rest of the group?

 

 

I should have just waited to post....LOL

 

ITA!

[Remudamom]

Just go up and tell her to keep to the soprano part and you'll sing alto. If you feel uncomfortable doing that then sugar her up a bit before.

 

If you're determined about this, and she keeps singing over you, get out the music and ask her about it. She ought to get the point. I think that if you point it out you two could work together, if she continues to sing over you she's just rude.

[shell in SC]

Ok y'all having been newly diagnosed as a passive agressive. . .what can I do to be less passive-aggressive or at least appear to be less. Not just in this situation, but overall?

 

Thanks,

shell

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I'm a singer too, and I have seen similar situations. Here's what I would do.

 

I'd address the group, including the pastor, since he sings melody, too. I'd say, "I noticed during out last rehearsal (worship?) that there were several instances when no one was singing melody. I believe that it's important to the congregation that we have a strong melody line, so they know what to sing. Unfortunately, few of our songs are written low enough for me to lead. I think we need to figure out which of you two are going to sing melody for each song, so that it's covered."

 

That takes all the spotlight off of you, reminds everyone that "It's not about us", and opens the door to further planning/conversation. Would something like this work for you in your situation?

 

I hope I don't come across harsh or anything. I'm really just in a hurry. I need to take my ds to a scouting/climbing thing.

I'll check back later,

Suzanne (former passive aggressor who is desperately trying to teach 12yodd not to be that way!)

[Mx5]

OK, first of all you have to know that my feelings get hurt VERY easily. Second you should also know that I am very self-conscious about my music skills. So. . .

 

I sing/play keyboard in the praise band at church. I enjoy playing along with singing, but if I could only do one, I'd prefer to sing. I have a lower range (I sing alto). I'm the only female that sings, and so I'm mostly singing harmony, which is fine. . .I have an ear for picking out harmonies.

 

Well a girl has been coming back to our church that used to sing with the band. She stopped going there before we started attending there. Since she's been back she's been singing with the band. She has a great voice and she sings higher than me so initially I didn't think it would be a problem. I figured she's sing melodies, I'd sing harmonies and I was really looking forward to some great sounds. . .alas. . .that's not to be. She's one of those people that sing all over the place. . .she'll sing melody for the verse/harmony for the chorus or whatever. That's great if there's nobody else singing, but I feel like we're tripping over each other vocally. There are also two guys that sing-the pastor (who is also the worship leader and guitar player) and my dh. DH doesn't sing loud unless it's a song he really knows well and the pastor for some reason has been defering to the new girl vocally since she started singing with us. . .that's great, but when she starts singing the harmony you can't hear any one really singing the melody (it's too high for me to sing).

 

Oh, one more tidbit, when someone new starts coming to church, the pastor falls all over himself to make them feel at home and welcome (to encourage them to stay cause we're a bit stagnant when it comes to church growth). He goes about it to the point where he totally ignores other members and other peoples feelings get hurt. . .it's like the whole world revolves around "Tom" new person. I'm gonna end that there, cause I could go into a whole other issue. I think you get the point though.

 

Here's where my feelings got hurt. . .

 

Last night at practice, it was too much female harmony vocals when we all sang, so I didn't sing at all. . .the pastor didn't say a word. Didn't ask if something was wrong (which he normally would have had I not been singing my part), didn't ask why I wasn't singing, nothing. DH noticed that I hadn't sang at all, in fact at one point I asked him to turn my mike off (that would have normally gotten a response from the pastor too). So I guess my feelings are hurt cause I feel like I was completely pushed out of singing. I feel like we (DH and I) were just there to fill in the gaps while this person wasn't attending our church. I feel ignored and rejected, and it hurts.

 

I really don't want to sit up there and play the keyboard anymore, cause I feel like I'm not good enough to sing, but since there's no one else to play keys they'll let me do that. I feel like someone punched a hole in me and the air is slowly fizzling out. I really love playing/singing music and it's a huge part of who I am.

 

OK, my rant is over. . .I just needed to get that our there!!!

 

shell

 

People who are easily hurt, as you, usually have wonderful big hearts, and tend to be mercy motivated. Problem is, not everyone is like you, as you know. You expect people to just know when you're hurt, but really that's not fair to those who aren't sensitive themselves. Turning off your mic and waiting for someone to notice is not an effective way of expressing your concerns. You're an adult who has much to offer this church. Take a deep breath, gather your courage, and ask to meet with your worship leader to talk about the things that bother you. He cannot know intuitively all you expect him to know. Perhaps the Lord has you in place to help tighten up the worship team. By all means, let him know how confusing it is, as an alto, to try to follow a soprano who doesn't stick to the melody. If you're confused, you can bet the congregation is confused, too.

 

I hear jealousy in your post, too, with regard to your pastor paying attention to new folks. As a pastor's wife, I can tell you that it is best to just call up your pastor & his family, and ask to spend time with him if that's what you want to do. In the busyness of a church setting, it's very easy to gravitate toward new people to make sure they feel welcomed. We assume others are doing fine, unless they actually tell us. It's not that we like new people more, by any means. So, seriously, if you like your pastor and want to talk to him or spend time with him and his family, then you be the friendly one and approach him and/or his wife.

 

Be direct. Be brave. Don't expect anyone to just know they've hurt you... not even your husband. No one can read your mind (wisdom from my momma) so there will be times when you cannot just drop subtle clues, but rather you will need to be direct. This isn't offensive when done right, which a sensitive person like yourself will most likely intuitively know how to do.

 

Just my two cents' worth.

[SkateLeft]

Oh gosh... I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that I'd have done the exact same thing, even turning off my mic.

 

I hope you find some resolution soon! :grouphug:

[melopher]

Wow, the OP sounds so much like me/my experience. From being the only sensitive/observant person on the worship team, to the pastor and the lack of real leadership on the team...and even to dealing with it in a slightly passive aggressive manner. I have to agree that the best thing to do it get it out in the open. Otherwise you'll end up off the worship team by your own doing, with nobody to sympathize with you.

 

I think a good way to open the subject is by pointing out that you've been noticing that the melody is getting lost, and that you really need to have a dedicated person singing melody. Be honest about what you can do and can't do (can you sing the melody an octave lower? are there certain songs that you could handle melody?). And be prepared to have to bring the subject up repeatedly if you need to--before you start practicing a song you can ask "who is singing melody on this song?" This will also help whoever is doing sound so that they can adjust the volumes according to who needs to be heard more.

[Paula in MS]

I used to be in your shoes, but I sang soprano and played the piano. The problem is that many contemporary Christian songs (if this is what you are doing) are written in a key that is difficult for many people. A soprano can hit the notes but it does not provide a good blend if she sings high and is isolated from the other harmonies. (This may also cause her to be louder.) In this case, the soprano can sing a high harmony and the alto can sing the melody with the tenors or you can both sing separate harmonies. You will just need to work it out with her. On hymns, she can sing the melody and you can sing the traditional harmony. You both will have to compromise a bit. It is okay for her to sing harmony in one place and melody in another, but the melody should be prominent so that the congregation can follow it.

 

If you are good at harmonies, you may need to help her find another harmony if this is not her strong point. It may also help to change the keys for some of the songs. If the soprano cannot sing the notes, the congregation may also be struggling.

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

Paula