Trying new attachment-y parenting-y thing... help!

[anabelneri]

Hey... I'm reading Peaceful Parenting Happy Kids by the lady who does the Aha! Parenting site, and I'm trying to do her suggestions but my kids are going to drive me nuts! I get what she says about consequences, but I haven't figured out yet what the alternatives are that actually get kids to be anything but whiny brats who always get their way.

 

Mostly I think I need hugs. I'm 8mo pregnant, and we moved a week ago into a place 1/3 the size of our previous place. I have a hormonal 9.5yo and a strong-willed 4.5yo. My husband works 60ish hours/week. Perhaps a direction in parenting isn't the best choice at the moment, but I'm so sick of yelling at the kids that I feel like I need to do something.

 

So has anyone done the Aha! stuff? How do you cope? The ideas sound awesome, and make some sense to me, but just not yelling today has been enough of a drain that I'm still consequensing all over the place. Right now my kids are outside with nothing but jump ropes (which they haven't really ever used), mostly standing outside the window wanting to come back inside.

 

Help? (As an introvert I might ought to mention that this is my version of screaming and crying for help... sometimes I don't get that across well online.)

[Truscifi]

I've never heard of the Aha! stuff, but I can definitely give :grouphug: . Sounds like you have a lot of stress right now.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[bolt.]

I've done 'gentle Christian mothers' stuff (they have a forum) and find that most problems have to be noticed first, then solved pro-actively to reduce how often it keeps happening, by building up the skills and motivation for good behavior step-by-step.

 

It's not really a thing you can do in response to poor behavior, mostly you do stuff before poor behavior as a preventative and structuring influence... Which isn't easy, but it's more sane-feeling then yelling.

[Χά�ων]

I've done 'gentle Christian mothers' stuff (they have a forum) and find that most problems have to be noticed first, then solved pro-actively to reduce how often it keeps happening, by building up the skills and motivation for good behavior step-by-step.

 

It's not really a thing you can do in response to poor behavior, mostly you do stuff before poor behavior as a preventative and structuring influence... Which isn't easy, but it's more sane-feeling then yelling.

 

Yes, and it takes time to adjust so do not be hard on yourself. Go slow, relax. I found that I had to write an parenting report about the situation starting with what was happening before and then I would break it down to time of day to find patterns. This allowed me to solve several problems (hunger and over tired) and become aware of other situations and be prepared for when they next came up.

[Lily_Grace]

I'll second the parenting report. I used to keep a journal and write down the situation and my immediate response. Later, I'd come back to write a way I wish I had responded.

 

Parenting isn't easy and changing it is even more difficult. It takes time to relearn habits and techniques. Give yourself permission to screw up along the way. There were some days (months...) I had to work in 15 minute increments - if I reverted to old habits it was fine, because another 15 minutes was starting soon and gave me a chance to 'perform' again. Trying to remember what I wanted to do and doing it could be a little exhausting. I needed to give myself permission.

 

I also needed to reflect on me. Who was I? What are my bad habits? If I was 6, what would I be in trouble for? I couldn't help my kid until I helped me. I needed to give myself conscious acceptance of those bad habits so that I could give grace to others. I needed to work on the more detrimental ones and undertake the task of retraining myself so I understood how hard it is for an impulsive kid starting from the same point. I needed to figure out what I needed on my bad days - when I got angry, I needed a sounding board and a sympathetic ear, maybe a few minutes alone to regroup. I did not need what I offered my child - an "I told you" or time out. I needed to model and vocally affirm those needs so that my child could follow my example. I needed to walk myself through decision making processes and show how I came to that conclusion.

 

I would recommend to any parent, not to read books focused on techniques, but books focused on philosophy and learning to parent in a way that grows with the kids. There are some lovely ones out there.

[thebacabunch]

I am a long term attachment parenter. Guess what, when I was 8 months pregnant and moving I was a disaster and lost it regularly with my kids. What I like best about attachment parenting is giving myself permission to follow my instincts with my kids rather than what everyone else thinks is best. I instinctively want to cuddle, nurse, nap with, and be around my kids (when I don't want to drop kick them out the window that is). Guess what; there isn't anything much more attachment parenty than homeschooling your kids.

 

As far as the yelling thing, I have a zero tolerance policy for yelling and hitting. The kids lose stuff when they do it. They don't do it much now, lol. Also, instead of yelling at the kids I give myself time outs. I lock myself in the bathroom if I have to. I tell them that I will come out when I don't feel like losing it. Keep a stash of chocolate somewhere for these times.

 

Congrats on the new baby and give yourself a break!

[zoobie]

Do you think you might be suffering from depression? I tend to lose my temper much more easily when I am depressed. You certainly have a ton on your plate right now! Any other support you can call in? Mom? Mother's helper? You must be super frazzled. :hugs:

 

I don't know that site, but some books I've read that are research-based and not complete fluff in a similar-sounding vein:

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

Screamfree Parenting

Playful Parenting

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

Parent Effectiveness Training

 

 

One of the things I read that really stuck with me was that if you're yelling, you're not in control. You can't expect a small child to be more in control than you yourself are, and no one else can "make" you lose control. So that's my little mantra... "I am in control. No one can make me lose control." Deep breath. Rinse. Repeat. :) (I am pretty sure this is from the first book, Easy to Love... But obviously the book is more eloquent. That's just how I internalized it in my head.)

 

I totally agree with the PP who said finding your parenting philosophy is so important, and changing yourself will have way more of an effect on your children than trying to change them. I have never read any 1-2-3 Magic type books because of that belief.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[duckens]

1) First, many, MANY hugs to you!!!! :grouphug:

 

2) Congratulations on the expected new baby!

 

3) Don't feel as if you have to do all aspects of the hippie attachment parenting recommendations. Just do the parts that work for you. If co-sleeping doesn't work for you, but babywearing does, then do that. (We're the opposite. We cosleep, but I could never figure out the babywearing thing. I tried!)

 

4) I am guided in my attachment parenting by, "What is this like from the child's pov?" We want them to know that we love them, we hear them, and we are doing our best to find a reasonable solution.

 

Arrrg! This is long! Sorry!

 

Examples:

a) Our bathrooms are at far ends of the house. Dd6 is afraid to go to the bathroom by herself. I remember this fear from my own childhood. My parents demanded that I go by myself, in spite of the (for a 4,5,6yo) very real fear.

 

Solution: We store cat treats in the far bathroom. Dd6 calls to the cats as she walks up the long hall, and she has the company of 2 of the 3 cats.

 

b ) Dd6 is still nursing. Why haven't we weaned yet? Imagine it from her pov:

 

Wouldn't it be great to be woken every morning by someone you love climbing into bed with you, enfolding you in their arms, and telling you how much they love you? And they brought your favorite beverage for you to sip as you sleepily make the transition from dreamland to waking. Why would anyone want to end that?

 

As an infant, toddler, and even preschooler, dd6 had always been told, "I'm so glad you're such a good nurser! Breastmilk is so healthy for you! It's the healthiest food you can eat!"...but we don't want you to ever have it again! That makes NO sense at all!

 

As a parent, this gives me cozy and uninterrupted time with dd6 when I can say in word and deed,

"I love you, and you are important to me. How can I love you today?"

 

Solution: Very few kids leave for college not weaned yet. Sooner or later she will wean. In the meantime, she is nursing less than ever before. Many days she opts to get up and watch tv and forgets to ask for breastmilk.

 

c) Dd2 wants to nurse all.the.time. on some days. Well, she's teething, and breastfeeding is one of the few things that gives her comfort. Why wouldn't she ask to nurse?

 

Solution: Do my best to nurse dd2 as much as I can on those days. I usually ask her to wait while I finish the lesson, or part of the lesson I am doing with dd6.

 

d) Dd2 is upset because older sister is playing on the computer and she is not.

 

Solution: Confirm, "You want to play on the computer, too? And that is important to you?" A not of agreement from the 2yo. Many, many hugs and cuddles for the 2yo, and the the reassurance that, "Your turn is next!" This acknowledgment goes a long way. It says, "I understand that you are upset. I am doing my best to understand why. What can I do to love you and help you get what you want in a reasonable manner?"

 

Some activities, I counsel dd6 to wait until dd2's naptime.

 

5) Do I yell at the kids? Oh, yeah! A PP mentioned the kids being too tired or too hungry. That applies to mom, too!

 

I also realized that my yelling was usually after I asked them to comply with something repeatedly, and they did not. (putting on shoes, helping to clean up the living room, coming to the lunch table). I started saying, "I have already asked you politely twice to [fill in the blank]. It is time for you to do it." My thoughts are that if I have asked them 2+ times to do something, and they don't, then I don't feel bad yelling at them. Pointing out that they have been asked two or more times already seems to help with most kids because it is a polite reminder that they are not doing what they need to be doing.

 

6) Counting: I'm not talking about counting to calm myself down. I'm talking about counting to get kids to comply. I always count DOWN, so the kids know what the endpoint is.

 

a) Dd6 is playing with her friends after swimming. It is time to go home for supper. I give a two minute warning, setting my cell phone timer. If she doesn't comply when asked to come after the two minutes, I count aloud (so she can hear me) backwards from 10. This gives her a reasonable timeframe to get herself in gear and start moving towards the car.

 

b ) Dd6 is collecting rocks outside after gymnastics. It is time to go to the car to go home for supper. Again: "You may collect rocks for 10 more seconds." I count backwards from 10. This gives her time to prioritize which rocks she wants.

 

c) Roll the dice for a game during piano lesson (I teach). She rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls in the little cup, wasting time. Games are a privilege in piano lesson. With no warning, I count aloud, "3...2...1."

 

7) With older kids, get their input for a solution. Explain: "This is what we need to accomplish. (Chores done, no unnecessary fighting, baby/toddler needs). What do YOU think is the solution to this? I would really like your help with it, and we need a solution that works for everyone."

 

You are not bound by any agreement to use the older child's solution. But it can be interesting to have their input as a solution. Plus, it puts the onus on the child to see the bigger picture and find a better system than what is now available. Dd6 has become a budding diplomat in this paradigm.

[Joanne]

I haven't read the book, but I scanned the site.

 

I used to be a Moderator at Gentle Christian mothers, was an original member, and a member for years. I left, in part, because of the permissive parenting culture there.

 

I was an AP parent - but I consider AP to be *baby* management. I consider my discipline style to be firm non arbitrary punishment. Connection first, but discipline exists, complete with consequences.

 

When making a change in parenting, expect a "behavior burst" as the kids test your resolve at a time when your new parenting muscles are not developed. It gets worse before it gets better. It's during this phase that parents give up claiming that "positive discipline doesn't work".

 

If you post about the specific issues, there is a LOT of parenting wisdom on this site and they can help.

[garddwr]

The people who mentioned mommy time-out made me realize that is exactly what I use the WTM forums for--they are my escape, the way I keep my calm in the midst of chaos.

 

I had an interesting experience a few months back when I decided I needed to quit the forums because I felt guilty about spending time on them. I tried it for a week, and realized that my anxiety levels were increasing and my ability to remain calm (which is usually something I am very good at) was decreasing. This format is perfect for me because I can pop on when I feel overwhelmed, read a post or two, then go back to deal with real life. Reading fiction was my escape when I was younger but doesn't work now because I can't afford to get lost in a book (which is what always happens). I can read non-fiction things like homeschool or gardening books in small increments, and I use those as little mini breaks as well.

 

It was an interesting insight into myself and how I function. I think having a way to withdraw from the natural chaos of a home with young children is particularly important for those of us who are introverts by nature. All. That. Stimulation. Just. Gets. To. Be. Too. Much.

[I.Dup.]

Hey... I'm reading Peaceful Parenting Happy Kids by the lady who does the Aha! Parenting site, and I'm trying to do her suggestions but my kids are going to drive me nuts! I get what she says about consequences, but I haven't figured out yet what the alternatives are that actually get kids to be anything but whiny brats who always get their way.

 

Mostly I think I need hugs. I'm 8mo pregnant, and we moved a week ago into a place 1/3 the size of our previous place. I have a hormonal 9.5yo and a strong-willed 4.5yo. My husband works 60ish hours/week. Perhaps a direction in parenting isn't the best choice at the moment, but I'm so sick of yelling at the kids that I feel like I need to do something.

 

So has anyone done the Aha! stuff? How do you cope? The ideas sound awesome, and make some sense to me, but just not yelling today has been enough of a drain that I'm still consequensing all over the place. Right now my kids are outside with nothing but jump ropes (which they haven't really ever used), mostly standing outside the window wanting to come back inside.

 

Help? (As an introvert I might ought to mention that this is my version of screaming and crying for help... sometimes I don't get that across well online.)

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

This is just my own gentle advice. Take it FWIW.

 

I am 8 months pregnant with my 7th child in 11 years (my 6th boy in 8 years!). I have found it immeasurably helpful to work on one thing before the baby comes that can bring more peace in our household. I personally think it probably isn't the best idea to change your whole philosophy of parenting one month before the baby is born. But pick one thing. For example, having the children have set times where they must stay outside and play each day, and then they can come in for a snack or a treat if they stay outside without whining to come in. This will help you have periods of quiet time where you can nurse the baby or just have some peace and quiet inside. Or, starting them on chores, and you can work with them over the next month to perfect their skill on their chore before the baby is born.

 

I am so glad I started my kids on chores last fall. It has made my life SO much easier and will help a lot once baby comes and I am needing to rest, nurse, etc, to not have to do ALL the housework on my own anymore. I developed a whole organized system and now they each know what they need to do each day, and when it needs to be done. It has been so helpful. I know some families start this from the very beginning, but it took us awhile.

 

I would strongly recommend working on the playing outside thing. Or pick another area of your day that you want to change that can bring more peace and harmony to your home (to YOU!!). Find a way to train the kids to do that one, particular thing. We can help you with ideas if you know that particular area you want to change.

 

And attachment parenting doesn't mean you let the kids get away with whatever they want. We have a bigger family, so our standards need to be stricter than some or else it's complete chaos. I am still very AP with my kids, but I expect them to act decently and respectfully. If they throw fits and scream and cry, there are consequences for that. Of course I am always trying to keep in mind where they are coming from, but sometimes they're just being brats and there is no other reason.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[albeto]

Well, I don't know anything about that book or website (I saw "Dr. Laura" and cringed), but my kids aren't "disciplined" any more than my husband or I am. In other words, in my home, when there is a conflict of interest, we work it out to mutual satisfaction. No one has the "upper hand," not the parent, not the child. Why? Because that's not in the interest of all parties. This does require me to analyze what I want and why, and it does require time and energy. I will say, I have three teenagers and not a single one of them is selfish, self-absorbed, or lazy. I think this is because they don't live in a home where selfishness is modeled, and laziness simply doesn't work.

 

I would think of it this way: work to identify the root problem. This goes for you as well as your kids. Once you, or your child, can identify the root problem, then try and come up with solutions that are effective (don't create more problems for you or others), and are socially acceptable (that's simply how communities get along).

 

Here's the hard thing. Ready? Sometimes (lots of times?), we adults make rules and have expectations for our kids because they fill an emotional need for us. When you can discover this component in your "discipline" style, you'll have made huge progress, because you can learn to find a solution to that problem elsewhere.

[I.Dup.]

No one has the "upper hand," not the parent, not the child. Why? Because that's not in the interest of all parties.

 

Respectfully, in my experience it absolutely is in everyone's best interest for dh and I to be the adults and set limits and guidelines, and enforce them. We don't rule with a heavy hand or with plumbing wire, but we see it as our job to teach our children how to interact with each other and society. They are not born with that knowledge. Children express our basest, most primal urges. If they want something, they take it. If they don't get their way, they scream. If they don't want to do something, they fall down on the floor or whatever. I can spend all day negotiating with all of my six children, or I can give them guidelines and enforce those. I have tended to be VERY lax as the authority and have noticed my children are so much more at peace when they have boundaries to operate inside of. My 2 most strong-willed children seem to crave and demand that we set limits, it's interesting. They want to be cared for, and they want to know there are responsible adults that have the answers and know the correct way to behave and move through the world (even if we don't feel like those adults! lol)

 

Just another perspective.

[albeto]

Just another perspective.

 

I think that's a common perspective. The idea that "we are the adults" means "we set limits and guidelines" suggests to me a perspective of authoritarian hierarchy, a traditional, conventional approach to parenting. It works for many people, which is why it's the standard. It doesn't work for many kids, which is why some parents have a harder time with this than others. My kids have boundaries, as well, but they're not imposed based on my needs (I don't mean that as a jab, truly, and I don't have six children to look after, so my needs are different than yours or anyone's). But society does impose boundaries that are simply beyond their control. Kids get this. They really do. Cause and effect doesn't need to be taught, it's a concept that hard wired into our brains.

 

Please understand, I don't mean to "correct" you or this style of parenting. I only mean to offer a perspective that is not conventional, not common, but effective nevertheless. To this end, I hope I've returned your respectful tone. :)