My father just scared me half to death

[AlmiraGulch]

My parents are in town for a few days. They drove here (Atlanta) from southeast Missouri and are staying with my sister.

 

Today I had lunch with them, and my dad drove to lunch.

 

He really, really, really shouldn't be driving. At least not in Atlanta-type traffic. First, he pulled out of my sister's street onto a very busy street where people were coming probably at 45 - 50 mph and he was doing maybe 15 or 20. Right in front of the other cars. They had to change lanes to avoid hitting him.

 

Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, he turned left at a light INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC instead of going into the proper lanes on the other side of the median. My mother and I were shouting at him to go to the other side, and he barely made it.

 

He'll be 75 in a couple of weeks, so not particularly old. He used to drive a gasoline tanker for a living so he won't hear any of us telling him anything about his driving. He has admitted a couple of times that he doesn't get around like he used to, but wow. , This was bad.

 

Before anyone asks, no, I have not spoken to him about it. He won't hear it unless it's in the right time. He wouldn't listen to my mother at all, so there's no use in that.

 

They're leaving Saturday to drive to Jacksonville, then will come back here for a few days before driving home. I really hope today was just a fluke.

[Catwoman]

I hate to say it, but I really doubt today was just a fluke. :(

 

One thing, though -- is your dad taking any medications that might be causing the problem, like maybe Ambien or something? I wouldn't automatically assume that it's age-related until you and your mom try to rule out the other possible causes. I mean, if you read the label on a lot of the over the counter drugs that people take every day, many of them have that, "do not operate heavy machinery" warning printed on them, and the warnings on some prescription medications are even scarier. So you just never know.

 

I hope it turns out to be something simple and fixable.

[HRAAB]

I'm sorry. That a hard place to be with your parents, especially when they don't live in the same town. My sister and I were very worried about our dad driving, and it was a very hard subject to discuss with him. His car was his independence. Telling him that he shouldn't be driving was the hardest thing I ever did. I still remember that totally defeated look on his face. He was 80 at the time. Now my fil was driving when he was 93. Want to talk about being scared to death? Hope everything goes well. Good luck.

[Incognito]

Does your mom say it is like this at home? Sometimes a new place or unfamiliar roads can make driving worse. Perhaps he is more at the stage where he should be going to familiar places on familiar roads during the daytime, but not using the car in more complicated circumstances. Just a thought that might make the discussion less devastating for him as far as feeling his independence threatened.

[G5052]

I've been there.

 

When I was struggling with this very issue, a doctor friend helped me put it in perspective. A car can be a lethal weapon. An impaired individual can kill themselves, their passengers, and innocent people with it. If they were driving drunk, we wouldn't hesitate to do all we could to get them off the road. But culturally we let older people drive when they're impaired. We let it go by because we want them to have their independence, and we don't want to confront.

 

Sometimes it is a medical problem that can be corrected, but sometimes it is time for them to stop driving.

 

In the case of my relative, I wrote their doctor a letter. You can do that even with all of the medical privacy issues. The doctor had their nurse call the elderly person and suggest a physical (which they were overdue for). They did fine in the physical and nothing medical seemed to be wrong. I flew out and tried to discuss the issue and was told to go to hXXX. A few months later, two friends of the family independently reported multiple near misses. I wrote the doctor another letter, and they suggested that we contact DMV as a "concerned citizen" even though I lived elsewhere. It was a long, complicated path from there, but basically the person lost their license. They were *highly* impaired with more detailed neurological testing. There had been over a dozen mini-strokes. Their brain looked like swiss cheese when I saw the MRI later. I have reason to believe that they continued to occasionally drive after that, but they mostly didn't and eventually the car was sold. No regrets here.

 

Of course some elderly people do fine driving locally, sometimes only during the daytime. But isn't something to brush off either.

[Reflections]

It could be cataracts. Lots of older people deny, deny, deny because they are afraid. I say you should talk to them before they get into trouble. Not only could they hurt themselves, they could hurt someone else too. And by "they" I mean your mom too.

 

 

 

This is a pet peeve of mine...and I soooooo want to rant about it.....but I'll shut up now to avoid hijacking the thread.

[gingersmom]

This is definitely a sore subject with me.

 

In my town alone-

 

Last week a 75 year old women hit someone in the crosswalk with her car. The police were at the corner and witnessed the whole thing.

 

Last year a 80+ year old parking her car at the diner ran over her caregiver killing her.

 

Two weeks ago a 75+ year old in a SUV struck a bike rider. Thankfully he only required a trip to the emergency room.

[OrganicAnn]

Unless medication is causing this, this won't get better it will get worse. Keep a close eye on it and don't let him endanger others. A physical with a doctor familiar with older patients (gerontologist if possible) is a good idea. A test with the DMV.

 

Often the problem is what do your parents do if your dad can't drive? Can you mom drive instead? If not, then they will need to live near a child that can drive them places or hire a service.

 

My GM lived in a very small town and drove 2 blocks to the diner every day for lunch. But even that was eventually not safe. Somehow the local mechanic had her car and called my aunt. They conspired to tell her that the car still needed work and we found an assisted living facility for her.

 

Good luck.

[Flowing Brook]

If you think your dad should stop driving but do not want to be the bad guy for trying to make him stop I will share a story for you that may help.

A friend of mine's mother got Alzheimer's she was still driving. Once she even forgot how to come home. She started getting really angry. Her son did not want her mad at everyone for taking her car away so he called the local dmv. He told them the situation so they wrote her a letter stating that she needed to come in for a driving test. She went in and they told her she could no longer drive. She was furious at them and never knew her son was behind it. Maybe your local dmv would be willing to do something like that for you and you family.

 

Your father driving when he is no longer able is not only jeopardizing his safety but those around him as well.

[HRAAB]

With my fil he underwent a very long, detailed test to see if he should be driving. This was far more than what is done at the DMV. It was conducted at VA hospital. Anyway, he willingly went knowing he might have to turn over his license, however, he passed. Maybe something like that is possible with your dad. If he passes, you can rest easier. If he doesn't, then it removes you from the situation.

[AlmiraGulch]

I hate to say it, but I really doubt today was just a fluke. :(

 

One thing, though -- is your dad taking any medications that might be causing the problem, like maybe Ambien or something? I wouldn't automatically assume that it's age-related until you and your mom try to rule out the other possible causes. I mean, if you read the label on a lot of the over the counter drugs that people take every day, many of them have that, "do not operate heavy machinery" warning printed on them, and the warnings on some prescription medications are even scarier. So you just never know.

 

I hope it turns out to be something simple and fixable.

 

He takes tons of medication because he's a transplant recipient, but nothing like Ambien. The thing is, he's taken them for years, and this is the first time I've seen this.

[AlmiraGulch]

Does your mom say it is like this at home? Sometimes a new place or unfamiliar roads can make driving worse. Perhaps he is more at the stage where he should be going to familiar places on familiar roads during the daytime, but not using the car in more complicated circumstances. Just a thought that might make the discussion less devastating for him as far as feeling his independence threatened.

 

I think it's this. Tonight at dinner he made some reference to there likely not being too many more trips to Atlanta in his future. He won't fly, either, so I guess we'll just all have to go there if we want to see them. That's fine, if that's what it takes. I hope he's serious.

[AlmiraGulch]

It could be cataracts. Lots of older people deny, deny, deny because they are afraid. I say you should talk to them before they get into trouble. Not only could they hurt themselves, they could hurt someone else too. And by "they" I mean your mom too.

 

 

 

This is a pet peeve of mine...and I soooooo want to rant about it.....but I'll shut up now to avoid hijacking the thread.

He did have cataracts but he had them removed about 4 or 5 months ago.

[AlmiraGulch]

Unless medication is causing this, this won't get better it will get worse. Keep a close eye on it and don't let him endanger others. A physical with a doctor familiar with older patients (gerontologist if possible) is a good idea. A test with the DMV.

 

Often the problem is what do your parents do if your dad can't drive? Can you mom drive instead? If not, then they will need to live near a child that can drive them places or hire a service.

 

My GM lived in a very small town and drove 2 blocks to the diner every day for lunch. But even that was eventually not safe. Somehow the local mechanic had her car and called my aunt. They conspired to tell her that the car still needed work and we found an assisted living facility for her.

 

Good luck.

 

My dad just had his driver's license renewed, and he had to pass a road test to get it. My mom can drive still. They'd work it out. I just don't see it happening any time soon.