Perfectionism

[Night Elf]

Is that a word? Do you have a kid who is a total perfectionist? I do and she really beats herself up about everything. We've had conversations about it, gave examples, modeled thoughts and actions. She says she gets it all logically, but nothing helps her combat the problem. It bothers her tremendously. She doesn't want to be like that. I took her to a counseling appointment once and she hated it. She didn't want to go back. Any suggestions?

[Night Elf]

I'm a perfectionist. I think what helped me is realizing that failing isn't the end of the world. That didn't happen until I was an adult though (the failed at something part).

 

 

This is what DH tells her. He was in his 30s before he learned it was okay to let go of some things. Of course that doesn't help her now so she gets frustrated. I wish I could wave my Mommy wand and make it all better. :)

[Night Elf]

how about something like doing more art, painting, knitting or crochet, something where she would make mistakes but it would still come out nice anyway?

 

 

She did knit for a while but stopped, probably because school takes so much of her time. But I'll see if she'd like to go back to it. She watches tv occasionally and she could keep her hands busy. She didn't know how to make much, but what she did make she was quite proud of.

[Night Elf]

Well being a perfectionist isn't all bad. I'm very careful about making decisions. I don't tend to engage in anything that carries a high risk. I suppose some people wouldn't consider that a good thing, but I think it is because stuff usually turns out well since I've thought so much about it and made a careful decision.

 

 

She is indecisive because she is never sure which decision is the right way and worries she will regret the wrong one. I usually help her go through pros and cons, unless it's something small like what kind of sandwich she should get at the shop. Yes, she even worries about that.

[Night Elf]

Yes I too sometimes have difficulty making decisions. Although this seems especially true with really dumb things. Like I can't ever decide what to make for dinner! A pro and con list doesn't help with stuff like that.

 

I find with stuff like food in a restaurant I just order the same thing every time I go if I liked it the first time.

 

 

She'll often toss a coin and if she feels disappointed on what it lands on, she chooses the other thing. :tongue_smilie:

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry your DD is having such a hard time. :grouphug:

 

I think (this is probably not an option for you) that gymnastics has actually helped Rebecca realize that perfection is darn near impossible to achieve. But she still tends towards it - she hates it if I correct her papers in pen because she prefers to eliminate the evidence that she missed a problem!

 

Sylvia is more like a low threshold for frustration. She usually hates art because she can't do it "just right," even when I tell her there is no right or wrong in art. But she's not as bothered by checking in pen.

[Night Elf]

 

This reminds me of an episode of Big Bang Theory. Have you seen that show? Sheldon, one of the main characters, starts using Dungeons and Dragon's dice to help him make all of his mundane decisions freeing him up to spend his thoughts on more serious matters.

 

I remember that episode. That show is funny stuff!

[Orthodox6]

We have one perfectionist ds. He also has Asperger's, and the perfectionism is part of his Asperger's "package". So is his painfully deep indecisiveness. This does not mean that your dd has the condition, but it does let you know a couple of the normal symptoms.

[Night Elf]

I'm sorry your DD is having such a hard time. :grouphug:

 

I think (this is probably not an option for you) that gymnastics has actually helped Rebecca realize that perfection is darn near impossible to achieve. But she still tends towards it - she hates it if I correct her papers in pen because she prefers to eliminate the evidence that she missed a problem!

 

Sylvia is more like a low threshold for frustration. She usually hates art because she can't do it "just right," even when I tell her there is no right or wrong in art. But she's not as bothered by checking in pen.

 

 

Dd14 is now in public high school so permanent grades are a huge concern for her. Her only activity that I think should help is her acting class, but she's usually really good at the scenes. She may have an occasional bad scene and it bothers her for days. She's been in the class over 2 yrs.

[Night Elf]

We have one perfectionist ds. He also has Asperger's, and the perfectionism is part of his Asperger's "package". So is his painfully deep indecisiveness. This does not mean that your dd has the condition, but it does let you know a couple of the normal symptoms.

 

 

Oh I know Aspergers. My ds16 is an Aspie. I'm thankful he isn't a perfectionist. I think he'd make a worse perfectionist than dd14 who is NT! :)

[Momof3littles]

Yes, and it is probably my biggest challenge in HSing.

 

We work on praising effort vs. getting the correct answer, we talk and read a lot about the trials scientists, inventors, etc. go through, perhaps working 30 years before they actually achieve what they were striving for, etc. I like the book Mindset http://mindsetonline.com/, as it gave me a lot of things to talk to DS1 about, and I learned a lot about myself as well.

 

This NPR piece was on the other day about fostering "grit" in our children. There is also a TED talk by the researcher.

 

http://whyy.org/cms/voicesinthefamily/

TED Talk given by Duckworth: http://tedxtalks.ted...Lee-Duckworth-P

I am also interested in this book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0547564651

 

My son is currently at the point where he gets upset that he can't have a "whole day of getting everything right, just once." It makes me crazy. DS also stresses over decisions at times. In his case, I've tried talking him through pros and cons, but honestly, that doesn't help him much. He was recently trying to decide what to do for his birthday and was in tears over reaching a decision. I have to walk it back and explain that *all* of the options he was considering are fun things to do, and that there truly *isn't* one RIGHT choice.

 

I will say my son tends toward a bit of anxiety on the whole.

[laughing lioness]

I tend to be a perfectionist and in my youth (HA!) it would be a show stopper. If I couldn't do something RIGHT it just wasn't worth doing imho. For me, perfectionism goes hand in hand with some OCD tendencies and anxiety - it definitely runs in my family- and also goes along with a thyroid disorder. I have had to learn to be aware of these tendencies/traits in myself. I'm also a melancholoy personality- I am extremely creative and get er'done, but can tie myself, and others, in a knot doing it. I'm task oriented rather than people- so I have to be aware of the people, despite the demands of the task.

I do believe that phlegmatic personalities tend to second guess more than others. No decision is every the right one.

I had a big break-through in my 30's- a friend of mine who was teaching me to knit told me that I could get over perfectionism. WOW. That offered me real hope and relief because at that point I was realizing that it was keeping me from things.

Secondly, it's o.k. to get obnoxiously good at things. You'll get flack for it, but oh well. There is JOY in attaining competence and professionalism.

I think the key is to realize your traits and tendencies and then (as dh and I joke all of the time) make your disorder work for you.

 

Have you read The Way They Learn by Cynthia Tobias Ulrich?

[J-rap]

My husband tends to be a perfectionist, and a couple of my children do too. I tried to balance it out when they were home by having an overly "who cares?" attitude at times. (Meaning, making a point of saying out loud that if things weren't perfect when I did them, it really didn't matter.) Maybe it helped a little -- :) But my two very perfectionist children are still high achievers and very ambitious. I think they will accomplish a lot more than I ever did as a result. Perfectionism has both advantages and disadvantages. I just don't want it to ever get in their way of moving forward. There is a balance. I know I'm not being very helpful -- sorry. Just saying that I understand.

[Catwoman]

I think there are different types of perfectionists. Some are super-ambitious and incredibly hard workers, who are devastated when things don't work out as planned, while others won't even try something new unless they are already confident that they will be great at it. Then, there are the perfectionists who get paralyzed making decisions because they're so worried that they won't make the right choice.

 

I think it's possible to channel the perfectionistic tendencies into something positive, but I'm not sure how to do, so I'm really no help at all. I do think, however, that it's very smart of you to address it now, so your dd may have a chance to make some changes in her outlook while she's still young.

 

I wish I had some suggestions for you.