My 11 yod just told me she has never liked herself

[saraha]

I am not sure how to respond to this. She was angry with me about something else, but in the course of the arguement this came out. She doesn't like herself, she never has liked herself and she is not good at anything. In light of this, it kind of explains some of her other behaviors- very competitive, bad loser, tattling among a few.

 

How do I talk to her about this? She said no one has made her feel this way, she just does.

 

Thanks

[Flowing Brook]

I was like this growing up. I always felt inferior. It was not until I started to learn new things and take lessons, beekeeping, piano etc. until I got over it. Maybe she needs to learn something that not everyone can do to help her.

[Freckles]

Oh how I feel for your dd. I was in my twenties before I could see the value in me. I would remind her that she is wonderful and unique just because she is alive. There will never be another person like her. Help her see she is valuable just because she is alive. I would also suggest counseling for this issue. If she is anything like I was, it will not go away on it's own. It took counseling, and an encounter with the Lord which is hard for me to explain to move past self loathing. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[saraha]

Thank you both for responding. Did something happen to make you feel like this or was this something that you were "born with" (for lack of a better phrase)? I'm not trying to pry into your personal life, I just want to find the best way to help her. I asked her if she would like to talk to someone about it (there in the moment) and she said no, she was talking to me about it. If it is something I or someone else is doing/has done that seems it would need one approach, or if it is the way she came, that would need a different approach, right?

I make it a point to complement all of my children at random times, tell them they are great helpers, how pretty/smart/creative etc. My mother didn't do those kinds of things, so I am sensitive to needing that as a child. Should I find more ways to complement her? What else can I do?

 

She has some Aspergers tendencies (her older brother has it) and she has a lot of trouble with her fine motor skills. She is also not a creative problem solver, and I know she struggles with the idea that she has one younger sister who has very nice writing and is a very good drawer, and the other sister is my one who can a turn a problem/puzzle/mystery inside out and figure things out pretty quick. But I saw this coming when she was younger, and have tried to point out things she has done well. I know what kind of trouble a girl with low self esteem can get herself into personally, and I want to avoid that with her. And besides, she is a beautiful, bright girl and I love her so much.

 

Wow, I am just all over the place with this post, but really, I am just very upset. I was young when I became a mother, but even then I realized how important it was to do a lot of things differently than my mother did. One of those things was to make sure that my kids knew they were special to me. Felt loved. And now I feel like I have failed at that one very important parenting goal I set way back before I knew anything about parenting intentionally and all of the other child development stuff I know now.

Thank you so much for responding about such a personal thing

[treestarfae]

I'm sorry you're hurting. How bout trying to come to conclusions with her about what she enjoys doing and what she likes doing. That's more important than being perfect.

 

I have an ocd/aspie kid that can be hard on herself and I have to distract and change it up a lot to break out of a mind set forming. I spend a lot of time catering to her interests because I know how the spiral starts. The key is seeing when a child gets stuck on something and helping them out of it. I come from a long line of gifted/aspie nature though so I understand her. It's a mixture of coping skills and forming healthy interests that provide positive feedback. Lot of work!

[Parrothead]

Please get her a professional counselor. I was like this for my first couple of decades. I believe professional help would have kept me out of some of the trouble I got into.

[MBM]

I am not sure how to respond to this. She was angry with me about something else, but in the course of the arguement this came out. She doesn't like herself, she never has liked herself and she is not good at anything. In light of this, it kind of explains some of her other behaviors- very competitive, bad loser, tattling among a few.

 

How do I talk to her about this? She said no one has made her feel this way, she just does.

 

Thanks

 

Your daughter is a very perceptive girl. Being able to express how she views herself and having the courage to talk to you about something this difficult can work in her favor. I would let her know that and let her know that her feelings can be conscientiously changed; she doesn't have to live with those horrible feelings. Part of the problem is that her brain has certain biological set points that she was born with and her brain is beginning to enter a stage when it moves from a more emotional state to a more logical state (takes about 10-15 years) and the other part of the problem is that the misperceptions have been developed by what she has experienced and thought. Make sure she knows all of this can change.

 

1. I would work on her misperceptions of herself. She has to learn to 1) recognize the automatic thoughts she has that are causing her feelings and 2) work on consciously disputing them. One of the best books I've read that explains how to do this is Martin Seligman's The Optimistic Child. His writing style is somewhat verbose, so if you want to jump in immediately and get started, turn to the chapters "Changing Your Child's Explanatory Style" and "Disputing and Decatastrophizing [Negative Automatic Thoughts]."

 

You can also go to the U of Penn's website and have her take tests that will keep her results so that she can later go back and see the changes in her thinking. My son has done these for over 10 years. Seligman and colleagues created this site, btw.

 

http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu

 

2. I would get her doing a lot of fun, aerobic exercise preferable something that also involves quick decision making -- tennis, dance videos (Dance, Dance Revolution), soccer, etc. John Ratey's book Spark explains how exercise balances neurotransmitters in our brains. What you want is a good balance of these chemicals. Girls do fine with aerobics but boys seems to do better with anaerobic (sprinting). And, any movement is better than none.

 

3. Learn what you can do to nudge her brain circuits (there are six) in directions that can be more beneficial to her. It is very easy to do this and the benefits include better emotional and physical health. Richard Davidson has done an excellent job studying and explaining how to do this in his book The Emotional Life of Your Brain. He's a neuroscientist who has done 100s of brain imaging studies (mostly fMRIs) coupled with psychological and physical testing. To change the circuits, Davidson uses different kinds of meditations -- all very easy to do. The brain image scans done afterward show remarkable changes but it can take up to 8 weeks to really begin to notice the change. Just depends on the individual. My guess is that compassion meditation would help your daughter; she needs to learn to be more compassionate toward herself and that is the first person compassion meditation deals with. Oprah's website has a good explanation of how to do it. Super easy, short. Maybe you could try it with your daughter?

 

Many people are afraid to use meditation, but keep in mind: virtually all religions have used some form of meditation at one time or another; it can be completely secular; and it's an excellent way to develop better brain/body health. All of Davidson's meditations are secular. (Chapter 11 has the how-tos.) Btw, everyone in my family practices some form of meditation. I do compassion meditation (which shrinks the amygdalae -- worry/anxiety parts of the brain), and my husband and son do a type of focus meditation for at least 10 minutes each day. My son listens to a track on Dan Goleman's CD (Richard Davidson decided to attend Harvard grad school so that he could learn about fellow student Dan Goleman's unique ideas, not so much from the professors).

 

4. Give your daughter a gratitude journal to keep and encourage her to write down one thing she is grateful for each day. If she wants to write down more, great, and if she doesn't have time somedays, fine. Consciously being grateful can have a long and profound effect.

 

5. As a family, try to reach out and help others or be kind to others in some planned way (if you're not doing this already). Make a card for someone, bake cookies for a neighbor, write a note with your daughter about how good service was at the post office, a restaurant -- whatever.

 

Other helpful books:

 

Po Bronson's Nurture Shock. Read the chapter about how, why and when to praise kids.

 

Anything by Dan Siegel. Mindsight would be a good one to start with.

 

10 Mindful Minutes by Goldie Hawn and Dan Siegel

 

Good luck. It's never easy to see our children suffering.

[Ottakee]

11 is a hard age and she is likely starting to recognize that she IS different than her sisters and does struggle more.

 

Can you find an activity/class/hobby that is HERS---one that her sisters do not do as well? Horseback riding can be wonderful for kids who struggle. Does she have any special interests?

[Freckles]

Sorry my power has been out for the last 12 hours. I was a happy go lucky kid until I changed schools in Kindergarten. I remember it to this day. We all sat in a semi circle on a piece of tape with numbers on it. I was number zero. Seriously, who does that? I also was a red head with freckles and buck teeth in the seventies. We all know how that went. The name calling was so intense all the way through high school. It didn't help that my brothers were extremely popular and ignored me in public. They have since apologized and repented from their ways. :)

I would not have survived with out the love and encouragement from my parents, grandparents, and church friends. I went to church in a different town. I didn't go to school with any of those kids. I wish I had more words of wisdom. Be on the look out for depression. I have struggled with depression and was sucicidal beginning in the tenth grade. I just wanted to be accepted by my peers, and I felt so different. I refused to dumb my self down or party/drink/drugs. I am also very tall. My mom thinks that I inadvertenly intimidate people with my height and vocabulary. Another book you might consider is Battle Field of the Mind for Kids by Joyce Meyer. To this day, I have to push negative thoughts down and replace them with scripture or positive thinking on purpose. I practice smiling. I know that sounds strange, but I smile everyday for at least 30 seconds and breath. I wish you and your daughter the best and give her a giant hug, and remind her that the world needs her just the way she is.

[Flowing Brook]

For me I was considered a highly intelligent child however I had a difficult time learning to read. I was in the sixth grade before I could really read. I also struggled in math. Had to go to special classes for both. There was also alot of abuse going on im my life stuff I do not want to go into on a personal forum. What helped me the most was having people take individual time to help me work on projects. What helped the most was when it was not family. I felt like they had to be nice to me but when someone outside the family took an interest in me it made me feel special and worth something. Also as I said earlier learning new things that not everyone could do helped a termendous amount towards gaining self worth. Another thing that helped was volunteering to places. Getting involved especially with helping children.

 

When it was a group project I often felt like I was not an equal and could not state an opion because it was not as good as others.

What helped with this was others encouraging me, helping me and praising me.

Hugs to your daughter. If I can be of any help feel free to pm me. Blessings

[brookspr]

I think many kids go through this. They compare themselves to their friends and other kids who are perceived to be prettier, smarter, better at sports, better at everything, always happy, etc... Even as adults we do this to ourselves! I've gotten my daughter (who is 12) several of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books for teens and kids, as well as some of Deepak Chopra's books on mind/body and she really enjoys reading them. My daughter especially likes doing yoga and meditation to relax her and get her mind in a good place.

[Jenny in Florida]

Thank you both for responding. Did something happen to make you feel like this or was this something that you were "born with" (for lack of a better phrase)?

 

 

I never liked myself much or valued myself when I was a kid. I don't know whether it was a trait I was born with or whether it had anything to do with my upbringing. I can say that I never felt like my father was especially interested in me, and my relationship with my mother was . . . complicated.

 

I also understand that I never had opportunities to do much of anything meaningful. Nothing much was ever expected of me. School came easily, and my parents knew it. So, nobody got excited about my good grades. And they didn't want me to feel any pressure or feel like my self-worth depended on academic success. So, they didn't come down on me when my grades weren't great, either.

 

I grew up in the suburbs in the 1970s, when there no opportunities of which of I was aware to volunteer or accomplish anything real. Mostly, I felt like I kind of floated through my life without making any impact on my world. I didn't really think it would make much difference to anyone if I were there or not.

 

Only after I finished college and went to work full time did this start to change for me. When I finally learned that I was actually good at things that mattered to other people, that others depended on me to do my job well and that I was capable of doing so, I started getting more comfortable in my own skin.

[Mom-2-7]

I was like this up until my 30's. My folks were kind and loving. They did their best.

 

I think much of it was because I was such an introvert. I was afraid to try anything because I might fail. That led me to feel worse about myself, which made me feel more fearful......

 

I think my mom was confused and didn't know how to help me. I also wasn't te most communicative kid around.

 

Looking back, I think what might have helped is for my mom to drag me kicking and screaming into new situations and activities to help improve my self esteem. I don't know for sure if that would have helped. Just a guess.

 

Go easy on yourself, 11 is a tough age. Therapy might be good for her right now. New experiences could help too.