Shame on fat people

[Murphy101]

But you can't make someone change. They have to do it on their own. They have to be ready to make the change. If you try to force it on them (many people, of course not everyone) it only leads to bad feelings, which we know can also lead to overeating and resentment.

 

I never claimed I can force anyone to do anything. But forcing people to deal with stuff goes both ways. Why do they get to force those around them to deal with it without resentment and frustration or even commenting as kindly as possible?

 

I can't make someone change, but it's also not fair for them to refuse to acknowledge that their actions directly affect others.

 

And trust me, I've lived this. My siblings and I grew up doing every thing we could think of to get my mom to quit smoking, as if she didn't want to quit? As if she didn't hate that it was expensive, stinky and bad for her health?

 

And you presume I haven't lived it? Wth. My mother smoked all the frikkin time despite the fact I had asthma. I went without lunch money if it came down to that or cigarettes. I never begged her to quit or nagged her because she was a grown woman and I was a kid and figured she just must not give a flip, which is likely. She lived with me and died of cancer by the time I was 22. She didn't hate her cigarettes. She loved them as much as every addict loves what they are addicted to. And dang straight I resented her for it.

 

Would you tell someone you love you were worried about a risky behaviour or unhealthy life choice? Most of us would, at least under some circumstances.

 

Absolutely would and have.

 

Would you choose shaming as a way to communicate your message? Nagging?

 

I don't know. *I* don't think so. But that doesn't mean that isn't how they would take it. I did sit dh down many many years ago and told him point blank that every time he refused to check his sugar or otherwise take reasonable care of his diabetes, it felt no different than saying he didn't really care about growing old with me. And that when his sugars are off, it affects his relationships because he is moody and forgetful and unaware of both. I don't mind any of that when it is out of his control. I understand that he can only manage diabetes, buy its still a chronic condition he can't always completely control. But when things happen because he wasnt bothering to manage it? Yeah. Not cool. Not very loving to the rest of us who love him.

 

Harsh maybe. But it's not like I sat him down the first time he missed a sugar check and chewed him out. I sat him down when I saw a pattern developing that could affect us for the rest of our lives. Was that hateful of me as a wife? My dh doesn't think so. Someone else probably does though.

 

Would you let them know you'll help if they asked? Would you listen to their fears and respect their feelings? Would you treat them like a human being?

 

Absolutely. And he is doing the same for me. One of the reasons I'm needing to lose weight is because dh "eats" vicariously throughh me! LOL He really enjoys bringing home some wine and chocolate or taking me out to eat. Which is lovely of him, but not particularly in my thighs best interests. So he doesn't bring that stuff home anymore unless I ask. And he makes an effort to check menus before we leave to be sure there's something under a bazillion calories for me to eat.

 

I don't care what anyone weighs, but the fact is being too thin or heavy IS unhealthy.

[nmoira]

One of the reasons I'm needing to lose weight is because dh "eats" vicariously throughh me! LOL He really enjoys bringing home some wine and chocolate or taking me out to eat. Which is lovely of him, but not particularly in my thighs best interests. So he doesn't bring that stuff home anymore unless I ask. And he makes an effort to check menus before we leave to be sure there's something under a bazillion calories for me to eat.

 

Slightly OT, but Sandra Shamus had a great joke years ago about her partner Frank. They'd had a spat, and she was home alone, eating ice cream and taking a Cosmo-type quiz, once through for herself and once answering as Frank. Of course "he" was answering the worst way possible, and she was a picture of patience and understanding.

 

One of the questions was, "What would you do if your partner gained 50lbs?" "Frank" of course answered something horrible. Well, the real Frank came home, and was immediately met with, "What would you do if your partner gained 50lbs?" Without missing a beat or waiting for the choices, Frank answered. "Gain 51." She melted.

[Barb_]

Extra weight puts strain on joints, spine, etc. Here's one article.

 

Laura

 

 

Sadly, I have second hand experience of this. My mom has struggled with her weight for 40 years. She had her first knee replacement at 50 followed by two hips and another knee. Her spine is so bad that her doctor said she has the bones of an 85 year old woman (she is 65). It sucks. Her blood work is great, although she had to start blood pressure meds at menopause (as have I this year...it runs in our genes). My dad has also been overweight-obese for 45 years. He has arthritis in his back and knees although he isn't in as bad a shape since he has always been naturally flexible (was a competitive diver). But check out his list of health problems:

 

Arthritis

Pre-diabetic

Morbid hypertension

Quadruple bypass at 50

Stage IV Bladder and prostate cancer leading to removal

Sky high cholesterol and triglycerides

Gall bladder removal

IBS

 

This has been escalating since he was in his late 40s.

 

My parents did an amazing job of saving for their retirement, sacrificing since we were little and before it was a trendy thing to do. They've always wanted to spend their retirement seeing the world but now they dare not go anywhere they can't get excellent emergency healthcare. They are exhausted. It just makes me sad. I wish they were healthier. You may not develop weight related health problems until you are older, but it eventually catches up to most of us.

[Murphy101]

Sadly, I have second hand experience of this. My mom has struggled with her weight for 40 years. She had her first knee replacement at 50 followed by two hips and another knee. Her spine is so bad that her doctor said she has the bones of an 85 year old woman (she is 65). It sucks. Her blood work is great, although she had to start blood pressure meds at menopause (as have I this year...it runs in our genes). My dad has also been overweight-obese for 45 years. He has arthritis in his back and knees although he isn't in as bad a shape since he has always been naturally flexible (was a competitive diver). But check out his list of health problems:

Arthritis

Pre-diabetic

Morbid hypertension

Quadruple bypass at 50

Stage IV Bladder and prostate cancer leading to removal

Sky high cholesterol and triglycerides

Gall bladder removal

IBS

This has been escalating since he was in his late 40s.

My parents did an amazing job of saving for their retirement, sacrificing since we were little and before it was a trendy thing to do. They've always wanted to spend their retirement seeing the world but now they dare not go anywhere they can't get excellent emergency healthcare. They are exhausted. It just makes me sad. I wish they were healthier. You may not develop weight related health problems until you are older, but it eventually catches up to most of us.

 

This is my family as well. And I have to say for those who say they are healthy, all my family claimed it too. Until suddenly they weren't. Most of them either didn't notice the slow decline until it suddenly flared or they rapidly declined. All of them have drastically worse health in their 40s and 50s than they ever really thought they would 10 years earlier. And it's directly because of their weight.

[Cafdog]

For all of those who complain that overweight folks "cost us all more in insurance, Medicaid, etc", I am curious, and have a question.

 

Don't those who choose to have children despite high-risk pregnancy warnings and genetic issues (allergies/asthma/medical disorders) in their family history cost us more in insurance?

 

Don't those folks who choose to participate in dangerous activities and professions (skydiving, bull riding, etc.) cost us more in insurance?

 

Don't those who are ultra-athletic have more injuries and long-term orthopedic issues? For example, my bro-in-law (a triathelete) spends more time in and out of the hospital than the rest of the family combined.

 

See? It's a slippery slope. I for one, am not comfortable with judging others' lifestyle choices. We all cost. We all contribute. It's all good.

 

And FWIW. I am short, chunky, and work out at least four days a week. I have excellent cholesterol and low blood pressure. Sorry I'm so expensive, y'all.

[Murphy101]

I don't complain about the cost insurance/Medicaid.

 

However, for most families it is not so far removed.

 

I have a friend whose insurance is going up $80 per pay period until she loses weight. That may not affect others at work paying into the group insurance, but it is absolutely hurting her already very low income family.

 

The "others" I feel it is affecting in this case is not the neighbors or tax payers in general.

 

It's people they love and are close to, who have no say in it.

 

I have no say in whether my dh tests his sugar and takes care of his diabetes as best he can. But myself and all his children suffer when he doesn't. He doesn't want that, so he strives to take care of himself.

 

I guess I view weight the same way. I don't expect anyone to do drastic cures or think they are lesser humans. But I do think it is important to strive to be as healthy as they realistically can be, baring a medical condition preventing them from doing so.

 

I'm not trying to lose weight because I'm ashamed.

 

I'm trying to lose weight because I want to be healthy for myself and my family.

[Anne in CA]

Well, I smoked for five years and all the public shaming in the world didn't drive me to quit. I quit when I got pregnant and only love of my unborn child could have made me do it. Even that love of my unborn child did not allow me to quit cold turkey, I gradually quit. I can't imagine it is any different to be over weight. I was 80lb over weight and I had a hard time losing the weight but did by rigorous calorie counting. I just had a life insurance exam that showed I have put on 20lb in the last year but I have not gone up in my jeans size. That means I must be carrying weight around my organs, which is very unhealthy. Today I went to the store and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and I'm going to eat them if it kills me, lol. But public shame is not making me eat my veggies, (not to brag but I am a size 6 even though I weigh more than 150lb) it is the thought of getting sick and having to rely on the current medical system that is making me give up bread and cheese.

[Murphy101]

I have put on 20lb in the last year but I have not gone up in my jeans size. That means I must be carrying weight around my organs, which is very unhealthy.

 

 

It might mean that.

 

It could also mean you have gained some muscle.

 

Weight alone is not unhealthy. Muscle is healthy and heavy. :)

 

Too much fat weight is unhealthy.

 

Just tossing that out there for clarification. I've known people who got upset because their weight loss wasn't fast enough, but they were partly trading fat for muscle because they had started brisk exercise. They almost quit because they thought it wasn't working bc all they knew is they weren't losing weight as fast as they wanted.