How help kid develop socially and emotionally

[toawh]

My almost four year old is smart academically. He's very good with his hands, builds amazing contraptions for his age -- learned to tie his shoes at two. Socially and emotionally though he is behind an average three year old. He is extremely shy. When anything happens that is out of the norm or not to his liking he just has a melt down. He isn't able to play with other kids because of this. He has told me numerous times that he "just doesn't like people". Ironically, when he does decide he likes someone he gets annoyingly clingy to that person. He goes to public school. We live in France and kids start school at three. After the first two weeks the teacher told me that because of his extreme social and emotional under-development she had thought he was partially retarded. Said she'd never seen anything like it and that his personality was very odd. She did a bunch of academic tests and he aced them all, but she said that his behavior is not normal. I feel he really needs help in this or he will get hurt in life. The last month he seemed happy at school. He was eager to go and told me he had two friends. I was happy for him. Then last week, when recounting his day to me he told me he always plays with his "friend" but that his friend always tries to get away from him and play with someone else, hide from him etc.. I've observed that this kid he is attached to is not too interested in him. How do I help him grow socially and emotionally. I know it's not an environment issue. His two brothers are social as can be -- tons of friends, talkative, outgoing.

I'm hoping some mom here knows where I'm coming from. I recognize that he will grow with time. I want to help him. How do I provide scaffolding in these areas of development?

[Trilliums]

Does sound as though he has something going on. Can you take him to a mental health specialist for evaluation? Have you heard of/read about asperger's?

:grouphug:

[JumpyTheFrog]

Sorry, I have no advice, but I can bump this for you.

[Dmmetler]

At 3-4, that was my DD. Not aspergers, and evaluated twice to be sure-but definitely shy, emotionally immature for her age, meltdown city, etc. She was identified as highly gifted+ (hit the top of the tests they gave) with sensory integration issues. Many of the social issues stemmed from the fact that she truly didn't have anyone close to her age who understood what she wanted to do/what she said, and she wasn't yet capable of adapting to the situation.

 

At 8, after years of working on sensory issues and social skills, she's probably best described as smart and quirky. She has two groups of friends-those who are fun to spend time with, not "think with" as she puts it-a couple of girlfriends that she dances/cheers with and enjoys making up routines in the back yard, dressing up in costumes, making crafts, and being silly, and a group of mostly older kids who she enjoys building legos with, talking about Latin or math, and having pretend God/Goddess battles in the back yard as they become characters from Greek, Roman or Norse mythology. Her two best friends are kids she doesn't get to see much (both live an hour+ away), but who are true cognitive peers and who she just plain "clicks" with. She participates regularly in online classes that let her discuss topics with other kids who think the way she does, and that helps a lot. It very much seems like the more she finds situations she's comfortable being herself in, the more she's able to adapt and fit in to other groups/situations. She's still asynchronous-but socially she's a lot closer to what is "normal" for kids her age than she was at age 3-4, and having seen what the more "mature" girls her age act like, If she's still a little on the immature side, I'm pretty happy with that!

 

So if you want to get evaluation done, it's not a bad thing-it's certainly reassuring in a lot of ways, and knowing that my DD had struggles on the sensory end has helped me help her. But at the same time, I think mostly what these little asynchronous kids need is time-and that's something that sometimes, teachers who only see one year-group regularly forget.

[Crimson Wife]

I hate to say this, but those are a bunch of "red flags" for autism spectrum disorder (probably one of the milder versions like Asperger's or PDD-NOS). Here is a good article discussing the symptoms of ASD.

[sbgrace]

What types of evaluation systems do you have available there? Having a specialist look for autism spectrum stuff would be a good first step. It could be something more simple, like sensory issues, but that the teacher found it all so unusual (yikes by the way; her response sounds rude and would crush me....) makes me think there might be more significant issues. You are also possibly describing a child who, like my own son, doesn't notice/read people's reactions well enough to know when they don't want him. That's very "spectrumy" for lack of a better way to put it.

 

Here is a little online, free evaluation tool. It might help you see if there are issues in other areas that point to spectrum things. http://www.childbrai.../pddassess.html

 

 

How is his communication? Does he use nonverbal communication with you (pointing, waving, nodding head, shrugging shoulders, etc.) Does he check your face to gauge your reaction when he's uncertain of things?

 

My son does that stuff at this point (he's almost 9) but none of it was as early or as natural to him like it is to typically developing kids.

 

If there may be some spectrum signs there are certainly things you can do to work on them.

 

Your thoughts on scaffolding his development are right on! That's exactly what you can do. I have a suggestion right now actually, whether he's on the spectrum or there is a another reason for the difficulties. There is a book called Talkabilityand it's to help parents teach their kids the kinds of social skills you're talking about. If he has difficulty expressing himself verbally along with the social difficulties they have materials for that type of child too. Both will help those kids develop social skills.

 

Meltdowns...we struggle with that too. For my son, and maybe yours, there is a point of no return. Once you've reached that point my son is not able to reign emotions back in and the meltdown is going to happen. This point is, actually, just before you actually see the meltdown. There are signs though, that it's coming. and over time we've figured out what those are in my child.

 

The key, for us, is stopping the process before my son gets to that point of no return that happens before the meltdown. Working on sensory issues, if those are causing meltdowns, can really help. For my son sensory isn't usually a factor. It might be for your child though and there are materials for that too. The best way to do that for my son is to have him get in his "thinking brain" because he can't be in "emotional brain" where the meltdown builds and a cognitive/thinking space at the same time. So if I can catch him before he reaches that no return and have him, well, think we are more likely to avoid a meltdown. When he was little I did that in silly ways like saying "yes, Uncle Ken did have an elephant hat on yesterday!" and my son would suddenly have to think "huh?" He would follow with telling me what kind of hat Uncle Ken was wearing and if I could keep him going until the emotion died down we'd be good. That didn't work as he got older. But it helped me learn what would regulate him. Now things like having him analyze (think about) what's happening inside help. I don't have this book but might be like what I try to do. We say what's happened (that is a thinking thing...) and whether it fits somewhere on a scale from 1-10. Again, this is thinking/cognitive which helps him maintain some control. Then we talk about what that number would look like in a reaction. I'm trying to teach him to engage his mind in more enjoyable things to further his ability to manage emotions. I don't have it all figured out. But my son now says things like "that was an out of sorts thing" when he's starting to get emotionally irrational. Just that recognition has been huge as it often will stop the meltdown process and he's doing it himself which is so encouraging to me. So there is hope I think but many people struggle with meltdowns (adults just handle it better outwardly) to some degree for their lives I believe. This is a work in process and I may someday find a fantastic and totally different way to help my son.

 

Many hugs to you. You can help him develop no matter the underlying issue. I'm so glad you realize that teacher was foolish in her assessment of your son. What she said to you really bothers me. Yuck.

[MomatHWTK]

Games, talking it out, reading books about how to handle situations- sometimes it just takes actually "programming" in the correct patterns. Therapy can be very helpful in guiding this effort.

 

Here are some resources:

https://www.creativetherapystore.com/Social-Skills

 

Get a feel for the terminology and it will help you research more effectively.

[toawh]

Does sound as though he has something going on. Can you take him to a mental health specialist for evaluation? Have you heard of/read about asperger's?

:grouphug:

 

Unfortunately, I can't afford to a specialist at this point. Thanks for the hug though.

 

Sorry, I have no advice, but I can bump this for you.

 

Super appreciate it. Last night I saw 120 views and no responses and I began to panic.

 

At 3-4, that was my DD. Not aspergers, and evaluated twice to be sure-but definitely shy, emotionally immature for her age, meltdown city, etc. She was identified as highly gifted+ (hit the top of the tests they gave) with sensory integration issues. Many of the social issues stemmed from the fact that she truly didn't have anyone close to her age who understood what she wanted to do/what she said, and she wasn't yet capable of adapting to the situation.

 

At 8, after years of working on sensory issues and social skills, she's probably best described as smart and quirky. She has two groups of friends-those who are fun to spend time with, not "think with" as she puts it-a couple of girlfriends that she dances/cheers with and enjoys making up routines in the back yard, dressing up in costumes, making crafts, and being silly, and a group of mostly older kids who she enjoys building legos with, talking about Latin or math, and having pretend God/Goddess battles in the back yard as they become characters from Greek, Roman or Norse mythology. Her two best friends are kids she doesn't get to see much (both live an hour+ away), but who are true cognitive peers and who she just plain "clicks" with. She participates regularly in online classes that let her discuss topics with other kids who think the way she does, and that helps a lot. It very much seems like the more she finds situations she's comfortable being herself in, the more she's able to adapt and fit in to other groups/situations. She's still asynchronous-but socially she's a lot closer to what is "normal" for kids her age than she was at age 3-4, and having seen what the more "mature" girls her age act like, If she's still a little on the immature side, I'm pretty happy with that!

 

So if you want to get evaluation done, it's not a bad thing-it's certainly reassuring in a lot of ways, and knowing that my DD had struggles on the sensory end has helped me help her. But at the same time, I think mostly what these little asynchronous kids need is time-and that's something that sometimes, teachers who only see one year-group regularly forget.

 

It's very comforting to hear that you went down a similar path and it all turned out alright. How did you go about working on the social skills? PM me? Please.

 

I hate to say this, but those are a bunch of "red flags" for autism spectrum disorder (probably one of the milder versions like Asperger's or PDD-NOS). Here is a good article discussing the symptoms of ASD.

 

A few of these are spot on. He definitely has social, communication and sleep deficits. He'll wake up in the middle of the night and tell me he can't go back to sleep because he's bored of sleeping. I thought he was just quirky. He always gets up at the crack of dawn too. Socially his skills are non-existent. Communication wise he seems okay when all the settings are perfect. He speaks English and French, but has selective mutism. He absolutely will not talk to an adult regardless of how long we've known them. Kids he will to once he gets used to the idea -- 3 or more months of seeing them.

 

that the teacher found it all so unusual (yikes by the way; her response sounds rude and would crush me....) makes me think there might be more significant issues...

 

Your thoughts on scaffolding his development are right on! That's exactly what you can do. I have a suggestion right now actually, whether he's on the spectrum or there is a another reason for the difficulties. There is a book called Talkabilityand it's to help parents teach their kids the kinds of social skills you're talking about. If he has difficulty expressing himself verbally along with the social difficulties they have materials for that type of child too. Both will help those kids develop social skills.

 

Many hugs to you. You can help him develop no matter the underlying issue. I'm so glad you realize that teacher was foolish in her assessment of your son. What she said to you really bothers me. Yuck.

 

I would have been offended but she said it so sweetly that I realized she wanted to help him. She really is an amazing teacher. And I know how illogical his reactions can be; it must be frustrating to have him all day along with 20+ other 3 year olds. I'd never manage.

 

Games, talking it out, reading books about how to handle situations- sometimes it just takes actually "programming" in the correct patterns. Therapy can be very helpful in guiding this effort.

 

Here are some resources:

https://www.creative...m/Social-Skills

 

Get a feel for the terminology and it will help you research more effectively.

 

thanks

[Crimson Wife]

Here are some links to resources in France. HTH!

 

http://www.autisme-france.fr/autisme-france

http://www.proaidautisme.org/

http://www.arapi-autisme.fr/

http://www.autisme75.org/

[toawh]

Here are some links to resources in France. HTH!

 

http://www.autisme-f.../autisme-france

http://www.proaidautisme.org/

http://www.arapi-autisme.fr/

http://www.autisme75.org/

 

Thanks.

Reading through these now.

[kroe1]

Our DD had similar problems, although perhaps not quite as extreme as you mentioned. At about age 8, we placed her in an acting class because a friend said it might help. We didn't believe it at the time, but it was cheaper than therapy. After about 1 year, I noticed DD wasn't as paralyzed by her shyness anymore. Now at age 12, she does as much theater as she can get. No one believes she is shy. And so many of the theater children could be described as "quirky", but that seems to make them better actors. They also tend to be gifted in several areas and have very strong work ethics.

 

Do you have the option to homeschool?

[Crimson Wife]

At about age 8, we placed her in an acting class because a friend said it might help. We didn't believe it at the time, but it was cheaper than therapy. After about 1 year, I noticed DD wasn't as paralyzed by her shyness anymore. Now at age 12, she does as much theater as she can get. No one believes she is shy. And so many of the theater children could be described as "quirky", but that seems to make them better actors. They also tend to be gifted in several areas and have very strong work ethics.

 

Our pediatric neurologist recommends participating in theater for higher-functioning kids "on the spectrum". She said it can really help them because they can practice role-playing in a way that will help them as an adult in social situations. All the social niceties where one has to tell "white lies" in order to not hurt the other person's feelings can be thought of as acting a role.

[LostSurprise]

I had a son like that. He's not on the autism spectrum but he was too far beyond the other kids in his preschool class and the adults (other than his bus driver who was his best friend) had no time for him. He did understand the kids were rebuffing him though and he underwent a big change in personality. He went from talkative with strangers and peers to completely shy.

 

I had a similar conference with his teacher, so I helped out the class a few times to see how things went. He was going up to people and making comments, trying to start conversations but they were either too complex or off the wall so kids would just look at him and then walk away. So he tried to talk to the teachers. They told him curtly they were busy and to go play. He breezed through all the academics that level (he could read and was doing math with his 1st grade brother) but they wanted to hold him back for social reasons. I decided to homeschool. When he was older we tried public school again and he was able to socialize normally then.

 

If he reacts well socially to adults or older children I wouldn't worry too much. There's just a disconnect between maturity and intellect. Just model how to understand social cues and what to say to people. Practice. Work with the teacher to do this at school as well. Join a playgroup or other social group where you can help him along in a more casual setting.

 

With selective mutism in the mix (I had one of those too, different child. Public school was one of the best things for him because it forced him to see what would happen in a group over a few years and therefore trust other people and himself. He's my analytical one who hates making mistakes. He was afraid to say anything and make a mistake. By kindergarten he could talk to the teacher and by 1st grade he was normally social) and a difficulty with social cues I would see if the French school system has some kind of evaluation process, just to make sure you know what level of training you need.

 

I agree that theater is a wonderful outlet, and any casual social group that meets on a regular basis and allows you to model and direct correct behavior would be helpful. Three is still very young. I would take it seriously, but not worry too much yet. A lot of social growth comes in these years, and not all children do it at the same time. But because there is so much growth at this time, it is a great time to make sure there are no other problems and address anything that's there.

[idnib]

We thought DS might be on the spectrum but it turned out he was not.

 

He had similar issues to what you've described (without the shyness) and benefitted from social therapy. They played games and role played for practice. They had sets of cartoon characters who were representative of different social problems. ("Was Funny Once" was used for kids who kept making the same joke, "Glass Man" for when kids suddenly broke down, etc.) He was a person who would miss social cues when he spoke too long about a topic and nobody was interested; calling out the name of the character at those times put a stop to it.

 

I don't know what's available in France or what your funds are like, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

[sbgrace]

We thought DS might be on the spectrum but it turned out he was not.

 

He had similar issues to what you've described (without the shyness) and benefitted from social therapy. They played games and role played for practice. They had sets of cartoon characters who were representative of different social problems. ("Was Funny Once" was used for kids who kept making the same joke, "Glass Man" for when kids suddenly broke down, etc.) He was a person who would miss social cues when he spoke too long about a topic and nobody was interested; calling out the name of the character at those times put a stop to it.

 

I don't know what's available in France or what your funds are like, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

 

 

Those are from the Garcia materials http://www.amazon.co...g/dp/0979292298 so the OP can get the book. We have a lot of her materials for my son who is 8. But it would be more helpful for kids quite a bit older than the OP's child I think?

[idnib]

Those are from the Garcia materials http://www.amazon.co...g/dp/0979292298 so the OP can get the book. We have a lot of her materials for my son who is 8. But it would be more helpful for kids quite a bit older than the OP's child I think?

 

Great, thanks. I think they could work for someone a bit older, more as codewords than as characters. I was trying to remember what we did in therapy and make it accessible. Pointing to the book does that!