What to Expect from the 15 Year Old?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know that 15 is one of the years of hormones and even spaciness. But how much do you commiserate, how much do you forgive and how much do you say "Suck it up, Buttercup"? I'm remembering that when I was 15 I didn't get any special allowances for being 15. . . But I also remember that it was hard.

[Liz CA]

I know that 15 is one of the years of hormones and even spaciness. But how much do you commiserate, how much do you forgive and how much do you say "Suck it up, Buttercup"? I'm remembering that when I was 15 I didn't get any special allowances for being 15. . . But I also remember that it was hard.

 

I remember vaguely that it depended on what was important. For example: "This money I am giving you is for the youth group trip. Please don't lose it. I will not hand you more." A special warning seemed to alert him to pay attention to something. Other things that were not emphasized (but still may have been important :)) he spaced or "forgot".

As long as he forgot something that mostly affected him, I was quietly smiling into my coffee cup, hoping it would teach him to be more alert the next time.

 

I also handed him dayminders and wall calendars and suggested a few ways of keeping track of appointments and deadlines.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I also handed him dayminders and wall calendars and suggested a few ways of keeping track of appointments and deadlines.

 

Yes, I am working with him to use calendars, alarms etc. We have syllabi in all subjects and deadlines too. He just has an attitude and the drama to go along with it that suggests that I'm unreasonably ruining his life by having actual expectations. They aren't expectations for perfection but he takes it that way.

[swellmomma]

Yes, I am working with him to use calendars, alarms etc. We have syllabi in all subjects and deadlines too. He just has an attitude and the drama to go along with it that suggests that I'm unreasonably ruining his life by having actual expectations. They aren't expectations for perfection but he takes it that way.

 

My kids aren't 15 yet though they are close. As far as the attitude about ruining their life, well I tell mine that is my job and one day they will thank me for it. Occasionally that day comes while they are still teens, (I had that happen today). Mostly the grumble more and then shut their mouths to that. My kids also think I expect perfection, I have stopped telling them otherwise, they just argued about it anyway, figuring they knew better. Now if they claim that, I tell them I expect them to be perfectly regular teens that make mistakes. That usually gets an eyeroll out of them but stops the claims I am expecting perfection. 1 thing I have been teaching my kids is the art of the post it note. They both have adhd. I am the post it queen around here. If it is not posted it is forgotten. So they are learning to write down important things, (post its are best) and then putting up where it will be often seen (on side of computer monitor, on calendar, on white board or on fridge)

[lmrich]

Oh 15 - oh my

 

My son wants independence. He hates being nagged. He uses his phone for reminders and it helps. Of course he only uses it for what is important for him... Including his antibiotics for a recent illness. Or being on time for his sisters' activities. He has improved throughout the year, but there are still times he backslides. It is nice to see a glimpse of the responsible man he will become.

[shanvan]

Yes, I am working with him to use calendars, alarms etc. We have syllabi in all subjects and deadlines too. He just has an attitude and the drama to go along with it that suggests that I'm unreasonably ruining his life by having actual expectations. They aren't expectations for perfection but he takes it that way.

 

I'm going through the same drama here. We use calendars and syllabi too. Unfortunately, Ds thinks he should be done all things schoolish by 3pm, just like all the public school kids. (He actually says this!) This is despite the fact that we go out for ice skating lessons, choir and dog training classes during the day. Sometimes I start asking him what activities he would like to give up so he can stay at home all day and do nothing but school. I am not emotional when I ask b/c I'm serious. I want him to see that he has advantages by being at home that other public school kids do not.

 

His piano teacher is a neighborhood high school girl. She arrives here at about 5pm, which is when she is done her afterschool activities. She spends 1-2 hours teaching my Dc before she goes home to dinner. I will often ask her to tell Ds approximately how many hours that night she is going to spend on homework. When Ds is having one of his dramatic woe-is-me soliloquies I suggest maybe it is time we start looking at schools so at least one of us will be able to relax. Probably not my shining moment as a homeschooling mom, but, yes I do say this. Sometimes I am even close to meaning it, but mostly I want him to stop comparing his life to the lives of school kids, as though they have it so much better. I'm always sure to remind him about the hours of after school homework and the fact that teachers do not adjust it to fit his life and they do not allow him to help pick out the books or course of study, nor do they allow him to choose how to order his days. Ds has no desire to go to school, so his schoolwork at home usually starts to look better to him after I point out this option. I'm sure he is getting tired of hearing it----but I'm growing weary of his dramatics too.

 

I haven't been much help---just wanted to say you are not alone. I try to be reasonable with Ds and not get angry or emotional, but basically I try to make him see what his options are for his life right now and lead him to realize that he does not have it bad, the school work is not going to kill him, and anything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your abilities. Sometimes I have a talk with him before bed about how his attitude affects him and everyone else, sometimes Dh does. We usually see an improvement the next day. It lasts for a couple of day usually. We also dole out some logical consequences when expectations aren't being met.

 

That's all on a practical level. I often address the attitude on a spiritual level too. You know, not envying others, learning to be content, having a good attitude......etc. We are also working on the perfection attitude too. That's a whole different post and I'm not sufficiently awake to tackle it yet.

 

I'll be watching to see if you get some helpful advice I can use. :bigear:

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids aren't 15 yet though they are close. As far as the attitude about ruining their life, well I tell mine that is my job and one day they will thank me for it. Occasionally that day comes while they are still teens, (I had that happen today). Mostly the grumble more and then shut their mouths to that. My kids also think I expect perfection, I have stopped telling them otherwise, they just argued about it anyway, figuring they knew better. Now if they claim that, I tell them I expect them to be perfectly regular teens that make mistakes. That usually gets an eyeroll out of them but stops the claims I am expecting perfection. 1 thing I have been teaching my kids is the art of the post it note. They both have adhd. I am the post it queen around here. If it is not posted it is forgotten. So they are learning to write down important things, (post its are best) and then putting up where it will be often seen (on side of computer monitor, on calendar, on white board or on fridge)

 

:lol: on your job being "ruining their life".

 

Post-it notes are a good idea. Thank you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm going through the same drama here. We use calendars and syllabi too. Unfortunately, Ds thinks he should be done all things schoolish by 3pm, just like all the public school kids. (He actually says this!) This is despite the fact that we go out for ice skating lessons, choir and dog training classes during the day. Sometimes I start asking him what activities he would like to give up so he can stay at home all day and do nothing but school. I am not emotional when I ask b/c I'm serious. I want him to see that he has advantages by being at home that other public school kids do not.

 

His piano teacher is a neighborhood high school girl. She arrives here at about 5pm, which is when she is done her afterschool activities. She spends 1-2 hours teaching my Dc before she goes home to dinner. I will often ask her to tell Ds approximately how many hours that night she is going to spend on homework. When Ds is having one of his dramatic woe-is-me soliloquies I suggest maybe it is time we start looking at schools so at least one of us will be able to relax. Probably not my shining moment as a homeschooling mom, but, yes I do say this. Sometimes I am even close to meaning it, but mostly I want him to stop comparing his life to the lives of school kids, as though they have it so much better. I'm always sure to remind him about the hours of after school homework and the fact that teachers do not adjust it to fit his life and they do not allow him to help pick out the books or course of study, nor do they allow him to choose how to order his days. Ds has no desire to go to school, so his schoolwork at home usually starts to look better to him after I point out this option. I'm sure he is getting tired of hearing it----but I'm growing weary of his dramatics too.

 

I haven't been much help---just wanted to say you are not alone. I try to be reasonable with Ds and not get angry or emotional, but basically I try to make him see what his options are for his life right now and lead him to realize that he does not have it bad, the school work is not going to kill him, and anything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your abilities. Sometimes I have a talk with him before bed about how his attitude affects him and everyone else, sometimes Dh does. We usually see an improvement the next day. It lasts for a couple of day usually. We also dole out some logical consequences when expectations aren't being met.

 

That's all on a practical level. I often address the attitude on a spiritual level too. You know, not envying others, learning to be content, having a good attitude......etc. We are also working on the perfection attitude too. That's a whole different post and I'm not sufficiently awake to tackle it yet.

 

I'll be watching to see if you get some helpful advice I can use. :bigear:

 

Shanvan - are we twins? Down to the Springers even! :001_smile:

 

I'm working with ds to understand that all people have struggles. He has 1st world struggles but they are struggles nonetheless and have to learn how to deal with them. If he doesn't, then I will have handicapped him for life. We are talking about how to deal with those struggles.

 

I'm also working with him on the organizing tools mentioned earlier and am looking for ideas on supplements or other ways to approach his hormones/anxiety/ADDishness from a health perspective. Any ideas, anyone? He already takes a B complex and Zinc and a "teen multi". And vitamin D.

 

I'm working with him to understand that life is full of decisions and that how he decides to fill his mind and his time matters. I've talked to him about how these decisions matter from a spiritual perspective as well as a secular one.

[shanvan]

Shanvan - are we twins? Down to the Springers even! :001_smile:

 

I'm working with ds to understand that all people have struggles. He has 1st world struggles but they are struggles nonetheless and have to learn how to deal with them. If he doesn't, then I will have handicapped him for life. We are talking about how to deal with those struggles.

 

Besides teaching organization, I'm using some skills from several anxiety books with both secular and Christian viewpoints. Many of them have to do with dealing with perfectionist tendencies. I'm not sure how well they would work for you b/c I'm really picking and choosing and using what I think is helpful and tossing the rest.

 

I'm also working with him on the organizing tools mentioned earlier and am looking for ideas on supplements or other ways to approach his hormones/anxiety/ADDishness from a health perspective. Any ideas, anyone? He already takes a B complex and Zinc and a "teen multi". And vitamin D.

 

Well, I have Ds taking calcium/magnesium at night as a muscle relaxer. I'm adding some fish oil for omega 3 too (there was discussion about this helping with ADD and anxiety on the special needs board). When the fish oil is done, I may switch to flax seed oil.

 

I was going to add a small dose of 5HTP, but at my health food store they talked me into trying GABA for him. He took it one night and had some cramping and diarrhea, so didn't take it again. I'm not sure if it was b/c of the GABA. Since then I've done some research and I'm not sure I'm sold on GABA. When I was researching 5HTP for myself I decided there was enough evidence to give it a try. It helps me. I may go back to my original plan and get him a 50mg dosage to try. I'm not sure I want to ask him to try the GABA again since he felt sick before (though it may not have been related).

I'm working with him to understand that life is full of decisions and that how he decides to fill his mind and his time matters. I've talked to him about how these decisions matter from a spiritual perspective as well as a secular one.

 

I'm not an expert by any means, but I think a lot of this takes time. I also think the more consistent I am in talking with Ds and helping him to establish healthy thought patterns and habits, the better he does and the easier it is for him. You know, I almost feel like I need to make it a regular school subject and call it 'health', just so I will be sure to give him appropriate attention in the areas where he needs it.

 

I'm also focusing on him getting sufficient exercise and proper sleep habits---and teaching him the science behind each. All this is nothing earth shatteringly new, but it's a multi-facetted plan and if I could get my act together about implementing it on a more regular basis, I think it would do some good. Trouble is all the other things that need to be done in a day, plus my own health issues that need to be dealt with.

 

Yeah, we might be twins. You forgot to add the fibro to the list (hope you are feeling better).

 

A somewhat funny related story....Ds is taking an online class and is doing very well. He had his midterm Mon. Afterward he came to me with a heavy heart and told me he had done horrible and missed questions he shouldn't have missed. He is so disappointed in himself, he should have done better, etc. He kept repeating he had done really bad.

 

Well, I spent the entire day with a heavy heart for him (though I hid it) after calming him down and telling him that sometimes people goof on tests, not to get upset, just try to learn from it and move forward. I told him I would help him with some further study skills.

 

Now here's the punchline. He repeats everything to Dh at dinner and reveals that he 'only' got a 95%! :001_huh: I really wanted to shake him. I spent so much time agonizing about whether or not I should have helped him study and how i can help him in the future.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm not an expert by any means, but I think a lot of this takes time. I also think the more consistent I am in talking with Ds and helping him to establish healthy thought patterns and habits, the better he does and the easier it is for him. You know, I almost feel like I need to make it a regular school subject and call it 'health', just so I will be sure to give him appropriate attention in the areas where he needs it.

 

I'm also focusing on him getting sufficient exercise and proper sleep habits---and teaching him the science behind each. All this is nothing earth shatteringly new, but it's a multi-facetted plan and if I could get my act together about implementing it on a more regular basis, I think it would do some good. Trouble is all the other things that need to be done in a day, plus my own health issues that need to be dealt with.

 

Yeah, we might be twins. You forgot to add the fibro to the list (hope you are feeling better).

 

A somewhat funny related story....Ds is taking an online class and is doing very well. He had his midterm Mon. Afterward he came to me with a heavy heart and told me he had done horrible and missed questions he shouldn't have missed. He is so disappointed in himself, he should have done better, etc. He kept repeating he had done really bad.

 

Well, I spent the entire day with a heavy heart for him (though I hid it) after calming him down and telling him that sometimes people goof on tests, not to get upset, just try to learn from it and move forward. I told him I would help him with some further study skills.

 

Now here's the punchline. He repeats everything to Dh at dinner and reveals that he 'only' got a 95%! :001_huh: I really wanted to shake him. I spent so much time agonizing about whether or not I should have helped him study and how i can help him in the future.

 

Yep, we're fibro twins too. I wish it wasn't so for both of our sakes. . . (an aside - I'm going to a new naturopathic doctor/inflammation/pain specialist in a couple of minutes. I hope she will help me to be able to walk and stand without pain.)

 

If you could PM me the names of the books, I'd appreciate it. I'm good at picking out the meat and tossing the bones.

 

I am concerned about ds partly because his intensity equals my own at his age. I'm worried that that might even set him up for fibro.

 

Last night - my ds had a heavy heart . . . and tears. . . because he actually had to ask his dad for help with geometry. He's getting an A - he couldn't figure out two problems so far this week and was wailing about being stupid in math. I told him to go to a tutoring session and say that outloud and see how the kids who are failing and are reaching out for help react.:glare: I wanted him to see how much tougher they are in facing their problems and in getting help instead of giving up and crying at the first sign of "failure".

[shanvan]

Yep, we're fibro twins too. I wish it wasn't so for both of our sakes. . . (an aside - I'm going to a new naturopathic doctor/inflammation/pain specialist in a couple of minutes. I hope she will help me to be able to walk and stand without pain.)

 

If you could PM me the names of the books, I'd appreciate it. I'm good at picking out the meat and tossing the bones.

 

I am concerned about ds partly because his intensity equals my own at his age. I'm worried that that might even set him up for fibro.

 

Last night - my ds had a heavy heart . . . and tears. . . because he actually had to ask his dad for help with geometry. He's getting an A - he couldn't figure out two problems so far this week and was wailing about being stupid in math. I told him to go to a tutoring session and say that outloud and see how the kids who are failing and are reaching out for help react.:glare: I wanted him to see how much tougher they are in facing their problems and in getting help instead of giving up and crying at the first sign of "failure".

 

I hope you got some help this afternoon.

 

I'm digging out my books and will pm with a list. I just wasn't sure my list would fit what you are looking for, but you can be the judge.

 

I cannot believe you had a similar story about your Ds. I've had the exact same experience with math too! And, yes! The giving up at the first sign of failure and then turning it inward. Uggh!

[Ellie]

No one gets a free ride because of age or hormones.

 

To say that people who are 15 are prone to spaciness because they are 15 is setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy.