If you believe that older women are Biblically mandated to counsel younger women...

[MomatHWTK]

My attempt at discretion has left her with no guidance at all, and that is very selfish. We were very friendly before I knew what had happened, and I just haven't seen her since then. We've had no angry words or animosity that would get in the way of me being able to speak to her kindly.

 

If she accepts the counsel, then the Lord will have been glorified through my actions.

 

If she doesn't accept the counsel...well, there's really not much left for me to lose. Where's the downside?

 

It seems like the very best part of me would speak the truth in loving-kindness. That is what I would have done in the past, and that's the person I'd like to be in the future.

 

You have to be who you are called to be. :grouphug:

[sbgrace]

Ok. If there may be another family involved the man's wife needs to be told. If your husband is comfortable with talking to the man that would be good. But if there is a relationship/friendship forming with that woman the wife must know. Whatever the other woman's knowledge or awareness there is a lack of proper boundaries somewhere. Julie, in your husband too...he didn't have the right boundaries either. Not Just Friends is a very good book. If your husband had the right "fences" in place her own lack of them wouldn't have mattered. That's why the other family could be saved with just contacting the married man's wife.

[Catwoman]

Ok. If there may be another family involved the man's wife needs to be told. If your husband is comfortable with talking to the man that would be good. But if there is a relationship/friendship forming with that woman the wife must know. Whatever the other woman's knowledge or awareness there is a lack of proper boundaries somewhere. Julie, in your husband too...he didn't have the right boundaries either. Not Just Friends is a very good book. If your husband had the right "fences" in place her own lack of them wouldn't have mattered. That's why the other family could be saved with just contacting the married man's wife.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I think that, if Julie wants to help someone, she would be better served by approaching the wife of the woman's current target and letting her know what's going on.

[Catwoman]

I'm in total agreement.

 

Talking to this woman could further damage your relationship. You need to focus on you and your marriage, not her. You don't seem to realize that this isn't about HER it's about YOU. There are so many bad outcomes to this situation and frankly, I don't see any good outcomes. I don't know what you are hoping to get out of this - that she realizes what she did was wrong, feels repentant, and you both walk away feeling healed? Nope. Not what's going to happen. What if she tells you lies about your husband? What if she says that it was more than what you thought? There is no good out of doing this. Only bad. And the bad could be very bad.

 

Is talking to her more important than healing your marriage? It has the potential to cause a big setback in that.

 

:iagree:

 

What happens if this woman tells you a story about how she and your dh did a lot of things together than you don't even want to consider? She could be a complete and total liar, but it would plant further seeds of doubt and worry in your mind.

 

I don't understand why you aren't viewing this woman as Public Enemy #1. It makes no sense at all to me. :confused:

Edited September 11, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

The contact will happen eventually.

Very, VERY small town, and I cannot hide forever.

ZERO chance of picking up 2000 cows and moving to another place.

 

No one said that you should hide.

 

Absolutely not. Hold your head high. You did nothing wrong.

 

But you don't have to chat with her. You don't have to be friendly to her, and you don't have to acknowledge her.

 

But what possesses you to think that you should be the one to try to help this woman see the error of her ways?

 

I don't think you are thinking clearly here at all.

 

If you truly believe the woman needs spiritual guidance, speak with your pastor or your pastor's wife and suggest that they intervene.

 

It simply is not your place to do this. If you were completely outside the situation and this woman had never had anything to do with your own family, I would commend you for your concern, but I have no idea what you hope to accomplish by talking to this woman. I can't imagine it ending well at all, and I think you will end up even more hurt and confused than you already are.

[labst60]

I don't know all the details but honestly-I can't imagine an adult woman would be ignorant of the potential impact of those actions. She may justify it somehow but I don't believe she wouldn't already know. I agree with theothers on this one.

 

 

:iagree: She knows - and she just doesn't care - or is so deep in justifying her own actions that nothing you say/do will change the way she feels about what she is doing.

 

ETA- and you will just end up hurt. I think trying to "fix" her is a sense of closure for you - but you need to find closure in a different way - not through her.

[Kathryn]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I think that, if Julie wants to help someone, she would be better served by approaching the wife of the woman's current target and letting her know what's going on.

 

:iagree:

[tex-mex]

Julie, I'm honestly worried that she will NOT take your advice kindly, and that what she may say back to you in return will increase your hurt and wound you even more than you are right now.

 

Please, don't rush to do this. Maybe in a few years when you are more removed from the rawness of the situation you could speak with her. But honestly, I wouldn't do it. Ever.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Julie in CA]

I don't want to violate board rules by moving this into a more personal realm.

PLEASE do not add any more comments to the thread.

If you wish to give me advice, please send it to me via P.M.

 

Thanks!

[Seasider]

Your proper Biblical response to this young woman is to genuinely forgive her when she approaches you and seeks your forgiveness with a repentant heart.

 

That's it.

 

ETA - Sorry, just saw your request. Since my post is succinct, I'll leave it. But no more.

[Catwoman]

I don't want to violate board rules by moving this into a more personal realm.

PLEASE do not add any more comments to the thread.

If you wish to give me advice, please send it to me via P.M.

 

Thanks!

 

Julie, I won't add anything more to what I have already posted, but I did want to let you know that I'll pray for you, and that I hope you will seriously consider putting yourself and your own feelings first in this situation. Forget about helping someone else. Right now, just concentrate on your own family and your own home, and in finding ways to make yourself happy and peaceful. No one else should even be on your radar right now.

 

It's really OK to think of yourself first sometimes. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Joanne]

I think I understand the code imbedded in this thread.

 

Here's the thing: you can't fix boundary issues with boundary issues. :grouphug:

 

It would be a boundary violation for you, the OP, to approach this woman on this issue. At minimum, she's shown a lack of respect for boundaries; you can't confront (however lovingly or Christian) a person into having boundaries.

 

I can't speak to the woman references. I can speak from personal experience, though, of a dynamic that develops with women who target and prefer other people's husbands. Women like that have a way of approaching the world, wives, and men that isn't reachable from the OP's life space right now.:grouphug: