When your high school & college students have a spend-the-night guest...

[ereks mom]

When do you expect the guest to leave? I'm talking about teens/young adults who have their own transportation, not younger teens who don't drive yet.

 

When I was growing up, my dad insisted that if a friend invited me to spend the night, it was just that--an invitation to spend the night, not the night AND the next day. He insisted that when I spent the night with a friend, I should arrive there in the evening (in time for supper), and leave my friend's house right after breakfast the next morning, and certainly before lunchtime; otherwise "you'll wear out your welcome", he said. As he put it, the friend's parents "didn't take you to raise". I felt (and still feel) that my dad's schedule was too restrictive. I think it would be reasonable to stay over until maybe 11:00, and possibly as late as 3:00 or 4:00 PM if the host's family invites.

 

So here's my situation. ER (my 22yo ds, recent college graduate, working, living at home with our blessing in order to save money) has a friend (same age as ER, has a job, shares an apartment with a couple of other guys) who comes over fairly often to visit our family (we all know him from church) and sometimes stays overnight. He's a really nice young man and loves to hang out with ER to play video games, watch movies, play music, etc. Neither of the guys has much money, so hanging out here is cheap entertainment. :) I cook meals and we all eat together family-style, but the guys will often buy their own snacks.

 

But our friend seems not to know when to go home! ER will invite him to come over if they happen to have the same day off, and the friend gets here in the late afternoon/early evening and has supper with us. Then he and ER hang out. And the guy stays and stays and stays. He will say, "Just tell me when I need to go home," which I think is terribly inconsiderate of him because that would put dh & me in the position of basically kicking a guest out of our home. IMO at 22yo, he should KNOW when it's time to go. I also feel uncomfortable asking him how long he's staying because it feels like I'm telling him he's not welcome. But I need to know because I have to plan meals. And he eats a lot! LOL

 

I think he should stay maybe 24 hours and then go. But maybe my dad's rules have bled over into my own expectations, so it's possible I'm off-base here. What says the Hive?

 

ETA: ER actually gets tired of the guy too, but doesn't want to be rude and ask him to leave. He likes him, but gets enough of him after awhile.

Edited August 11, 2012 by ereks mom

[Jean in Newcastle]

I say, treat him like you would ER. When he tells you to kick him out, say, "We're happy to have you until 11 tomorrow morning but then we have stuff planned." It doesn't matter if what you have planned is cleaning the house and going shopping.

[Plucky]

I say, treat him like you would ER. When he tells you to kick him out, say, "We're happy to have you until 11 tomorrow morning but then we have stuff planned." It doesn't matter if what you have planned is cleaning the house and going shopping.

 

Yep, I walk around asking kids when they are going home or getting picked up. They will move in with us if I let them. :lol:

[regentrude]

Not quite BTDT with my kids, but myself as a young adult living in my parents' house. I had friends who sometimes stayed until the next evening. They were always welcome by my parents.

If you have plans with your son, I'd announce that to the guest. If you don't, I see no reason why your son should not have his guest over for however long he wants. I would make it clear that HE is the host and in charge of feeding the guest; I might not want to be under an obligation to cook meals for company- but if my adult kids wanted to do that, I'd have no problem with it.

[ereks mom]

Yep, I walk around asking kids when they are going home or getting picked up. They will move in with us if I let them. :lol:

 

Oh, yes! This kid definitely would move in if we let him!

[ereks mom]

Not quite BTDT with my kids, but myself as a young adult living in my parents' house. I had friends who sometimes stayed until the next evening.

If you have plans with your son, I'd announce that to the guest. If you don't, I see no reason why your son should not have his guest over for however long he wants. I would make it clear that HE is the host and in charge of feeding the guest; I might not want to be under an obligation to cook meals for company- but if my adult kids wanted to do that, I'd have no problem with it.

 

I wouldn't mind him staying if I knew ahead of time, really. We are often spur of the moment people when it comes to doing something as a family. So we can't make last-minute plans when we don't know how long he's staying. He will make a plan to leave at a certain time and later on decide to stay longer. One time, he even called in at work so he could stay at our house longer!

 

I guess I should've also stated in my OP that ER actually gets tired of the guy too, but doesn't want to be rude and ask him to leave. He likes him, but gets enough of him after awhile.

Edited August 10, 2012 by ereks mom

[regentrude]

I guess I should've also state in my OP that ER actually gets tired of the guy too, but doesn't want to be rude and ask him to leave.

 

OK, that changes the situation. In that case, I would talk to him (ER) beforehand and agree on a time when you will have "plans" together. Then either he, or if he is uncomfortable (although at 22 he should not be) you, can announce to the guest that you have "plans" the next day ay xyz o'clock.

[Garga]

That's a tough one. ER is a grown man having a guest to visit. If ER lived alone, he'd probably let his friend stay for days on end.

 

But, ER is living in your home.

 

It's these adults living with other adult issues that are so difficult!

 

I don't have kids anywhere near ER's age, but have you talked with ER about it? What did he say? It's his friend, after all, who is causing the tension with his mother. Should he be handling it, and not you? Should you and ER be working out the boundaries together?

 

I'm asking and not telling, because my kids are still small.

 

(Oh--just saw the post above mine that ER gets tired of the friend, too. I still say it might be time for ER to learn how to handle this as an adult on his own.)

[ThisIsTheDay]

He will say, "Just tell me when I need to go home," which I think is terribly inconsiderate of him because that would put dh & me in the position of basically kicking a guest out of our home.

 

He doesn't know. He's comfortable knowing that you will tell him when it's time to go.

 

An hour before you want him to go, tell him: "Darlingheart. It's fine if you would like to stay for lunch today, but after lunch it will be time for you to go home," or, "Why don't you finish up with the video game, and then it will be time for you to go home."

 

He probably has his expectations based on what he saw growing up. He obviously enjoys his time and your house and trusts you to WANT him there. You're not "kicking him out." Think of him as one of those little neighborhood kids 15 years ago.;)

[Walking-Iris]

Personally I think you could ask a 22 year old adult to leave in the same way you would ask any adult guest that may have overstayed their welcome to leave.

 

Sometimes they need someone to teach them. There's a young guy about 20 that has latched onto my dh as some sort of "mentor" unbeknownst or encouraged by my husband and we have to be a bit up front at times to teach the kid how to be an adult and take a hint. "Hey mind if I come by?" "Well we're having dinner and then we need to get the kids in the bath." "Soooo, mind if I come by?" :glare: "Actually now is not the best time."

 

A simple statement that our 40 year old friends would understand needs to be explained to the 20 year old. It's as if takes a whole village to raise the 18-22 year old...like a new set of teens. At that age, 22, I was living in my own apartment, paying my own bills and working. And I was most certainly aware of important social manners. I don't understand the immaturity of some college aged kids.

[ereks mom]

Personally I think you could ask a 22 year old adult to leave in the same way you would ask any adult guest that may have overstayed their welcome to leave.

 

Sometimes they need someone to teach them. There's a young guy about 20 that has latched onto my dh as some sort of "mentor" unbeknownst or encouraged by my husband and we have to be a bit up front at times to teach the kid how to be an adult and take a hint. "Hey mind if I come by?" "Well we're having dinner and then we need to get the kids in the bath." "Soooo, mind if I come by?" :glare: "Actually now is not the best time."

 

A simple statement that our 40 year old friends would understand needs to be explained to the 20 year old. It's as if takes a whole village to raise the 18-22 year old...like a new set of teens. At that age, 22, I was living in my own apartment, paying my own bills and working. And I was most certainly aware of important social manners. I don't understand the immaturity of some college aged kids.

 

This (bolded) is very similar to our situation with our friend, except that dh is his mentor because he (dh) is the pastor of our church, and the young men all gravitate toward him. Like your friend, ours will ask if he can come over, and doesn't seem to take a hint when we try to tell him it's not a good time.

 

The young man grew up in a cRaZy home situation: alcoholic parents who divorced and then each remarried--you guessed it--other alcoholics. The young man has little to no relationship with any of his parents or step-parents; they don't help him financially, and apparently none of them ever taught him any of the social graces. Given his circumstances, it's positively remarkable that the poor kid isn't an addict/alcoholic living on the street. He has a job he enjoys, takes classes at the CC, pays his own bills, volunteers in the community (gives one day a week at the local soup kitchen), and faithfully attends weekly Bible studies!

Edited August 10, 2012 by ereks mom

[Happy]

My youngest son is 22 and often has friends over....they stay as long as they want...occasionally days. It doesn't bother me at all. My son can cook (although they usually hit a burger joint or have pizza) and his friends are good at cleaning up after themselves. They are all good at saying you've gotta go now.

 

This too shall pass....In a few years, my son will not live here (please, God!) and I won't see these friends as often. I will miss them.

[*********]

This (bolded) is very similar to our situation with our friend, except that dh is his mentor because he (dh) is the pastor of our church, and the young men all gravitate toward him. Like your friend, ours will ask if he can come over, and doesn't seem to take a hint when we try to tell him it's not a good time.

 

The young man grew up in a cRaZy home situation: alcoholic parents who divorced and then each remarried--you guessed it--other alcoholics. The young man has little to no relationship with any of his parents or step-parents; they don't help him financially, and apparently none of them ever taught him any of the social graces. Given his circumstances, it's positively remarkable that the poor kid isn't an addict/alcoholic living on the street. He has a job he enjoys, takes classes at the CC, pays his own bills, volunteers in the community (gives one day a week at the local soup kitchen), and faithfully attends weekly Bible studies!

 

 

He sounds like a lovely young man; he just needs a bit of catch-up training in his social cue department. :D

 

Luckily, he has you. :tongue_smilie:

 

When he says 'Just tell me when you want me to leave', right then is your cue. Just be polite but frank with him. Say something like 'Well, let's plan on having breakfast at 10, and then ER and the family and I have some things to do together, so you can leave after that'. Or whatever works for you.

 

For right now, he just needs to be told. I'm sure as he continues to mature, he'll start picking up on the cues himself. At least one hopes, right? :001_smile: