Perfectionism and meltdowns

[duckabell]

I'm trying to find ways to help my son deal with his perfectionistic tendencies without melting down. He will be five next week and is a great kid, although he can be a little immature. His biggest problem is that if something isn't perfect, i.e. a tear in a paper, blocks not lining up, etc., he will have a meltdown.

 

This morning I got out the cusinearrie rods for free play and within two minutes he was super upset because they wouldn't line up perfectly to make a helicopter and they kept slipping. We moved onto a coloring activity and he was again upset because he messed up and I ultimately just printed off another page for him, although I wasn't sure that was the right thing to do.

 

So how do I convince him that things don't need to be perfect and help him emotionally through these tendencies? He's a bright kid and is already reading, but I just see these meltdowns holding him back. How do I help him do hard things without completely frustrating him or me? Is it better to just skip on some harder fine-motor things until he's matured a bit? Any advice would be appreciated.

[melbotoast]

Bumping for you. I'm looking for ideas too.

[Unicorn.]

Just keep telling him that everything doesn't have to be perfect. Tell him that if we were born perfect we would know everything and wouldn't need to learn anything. If we were perfect, we would all be the same, and everybody would be as good as everybody else, at every little thing. Life would be really boring. Art is a good example..show him the Mona Lisa, and her crooked, imperfect smile, and tell him that imperfection is why it's so famous. It will take time! You could also use the Olympics to show him that no one is perfect. Those athletes work hard, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they don't. My two perfectionists still struggle, but not nearly as bad as they used to.

[NorthwestMom]

We have a perfectionist too, and it is a real struggle. One thing I do is model how to solve problems or model accepting imperfect outcomes. For example, I will often tell stories at dinner about minor mistakes I have made, laughing at how things sometimes don't work out and I'll just try a different method next time. I am legendary in our family for being terrible at parking the car straight despite having 26 years of practice parking. :001_huh:

 

Depending on how old your son is, some of these reactions may work themselves out as he gets older. Kids under 7-8 or so often have trouble physically creating with their hands what they see in their heads. As he physically matures he may be able to feel more competent, and that should help.

 

The other thing I do is help her appropriately express her emotions. It's okay to feel frustrated, it's not ok to scream at your sister who is merely an innocent bystander; it's okay to feel disappointed and cry in your room, it's not okay to cry hysterically at tennis camp when your ball goes out of bounds, etc.

[fairfarmhand]

here is athread with helpful hints.

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=336079&highlight=perfectionist

[Dinsfamily]

Just keep telling him that everything doesn't have to be perfect. Tell him that if we were born perfect we would know everything and wouldn't need to learn anything. If we were perfect, we would all be the same, and everybody would be as good as everybody else, at every little thing. Life would be really boring. Art is a good example..show him the Mona Lisa, and her crooked, imperfect smile, and tell him that imperfection is why it's so famous. It will take time! You could also use the Olympics to show him that no one is perfect. Those athletes work hard, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they don't. My two perfectionists still struggle, but not nearly as bad as they used to.

 

:iagree: Ds8's perfectionism has gotten much better in the last couple of years. I think these kind of discussions and some maturity goes a long way. FWIW, ds6 couldn't use our pattern block books until this year because the blocks would slip around on the pages. He just used them freeform and created some incredible patterns instead. Maybe you could adjust some of his activities to be less constricting until he develops more self-control.

[dangermom]

Yeah, we had that too. She has grown out of it quite a lot but there was a time when a little mistake in math would lead to shrieks about how she didn't want anyone to see her paper. And so on.

 

Keep up with the talking, and it's also good to model reactions. When you spill a little or make a mistake, say the right reaction out loud. "Whoops, I spilled a little milk! I'll just wipe it up. There, no problem!" Be really cheery and loud about it so it's obvious. Color with him and go outside the lines on purpose, that sort of thing. :001_smile:

[Katy]

We don't have an official rule, but we require everyone be calm at home.

 

I might push the focus of controlling emotions and being calm more than trying to address the perfectionism directly. I would probably say something like, "Of course it isn't perfect. It's difficult and takes a lot of practice. It's not okay to throw a tantrum about it though. Take a time out and think about how you can learn to be calm even when things don't go your way."

 

Then I would give him one of those glitter jars that are good for calming and have him shake it up with all the frustration he feels and make him sit still and watch it until the glitter settles. Here's a post about those:

 

http://www.herewearetogether.com/2011/06/27/another-mind-jar/

[duckabell]

Thanks for all of the suggestions. Working with him on not getting as upset is one of my goals for this year, but I think time will also mature him as well.