Parenting the college student

[Christy B]

Dd is heading off to college . . . but yet, I'm pretty sure my parenting days are far from over! In fact, I've had some experience with a college age student (not my own) that has allowed me to witness, firsthand, the disaster of allowing a young person to claim complete independence while, in fact, they are being completely supported by someone else's hard-earned money! I am determined to avoid that dynamic with my daughter, if at all possible.

 

So, how do you find the balance? We are delighted that our Rachael is very independent (always has been; even as a toddler). We have seen that she consistently makes reasonable, appropriate choices. We are happy to extend to her a big measure of trust and independence, insofar as she continues to earn it. But, we want to remain her *parents*; I don't want to have poured blood, sweat, and tears into 17 years of parenting and just . . . stop . . . when she moves into a dorm. We do believe that we retain some measure of authority and influence: firstly, because we are her parents; but also, because we are supporting her financially!

 

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

[AK_Mom4]

We do believe that we retain some measure of authority and influence: firstly, because we are her parents; but also, because we are supporting her financially!

 

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

 

ah...that is a sticky wicket there. You see quite a few parents falling in the trap of using the financial support as a threat - "do it OUR WAY or we will cut off the money!" I'm not saying that you are, just that it is a difficult trap to avoid. Expectations need to be set clearly on both sides.

 

I have one in college and one entering this fall. There was a definite transition for DH and I from "do this because I'm the parent and I say so" to giving advice with the understanding that the kiddo may make a different choice. Letting them make their own decisions and live with the consequences, but giving them the support they need as well. And it was definitely DH and I that had to change our approach. Once we started treating our older teens as young adults, then the kids stepped up and started acting that way.

 

I really don't think you CAN control their behavior once they go off to college. The best you can do is launch them off in the right direction with love and support.

[Bluegoat]

I am not really sure how much good parents can do using the threat of withholding funds to exert authority over their university aged children. If they are really bombing out or spending all their time doing drugs or engaging in grossly destructive behavior then I can see withholding funds. But what other sorts of things do you figure you would have "authority" over with such a child?

[Jane in NC]

Relationships with our kids are defined before they leave for college. Even so, expect to be consulted more in the beginning regarding decision making...less as time goes on.

 

My son has thanked me for not interfering in his life the way some of his parent's friends do. There are parents who expect daily texts or Facebook updates. (And now I am going to get into trouble--again! There are parents who say that communication with college aged kids several times a day is the norm for them because of their close relationships. That is great if everyone is happy with the arrangement.)

 

I think the first thing that a new college parent has to do is figure how how best to communicate as well as how often. Skype is a great tool! One of my friend's daughters was putting up a good front via texting and Facebook but when her Mom saw her face on Skype she knew something was wrong. The young lady was in over her head and needed some help in sorting things out.

 

It seems that academic cycles are often all or nothing. When kids have major projects due and a flurry of mid-terms, they may not communicate. They'll come up for air after a long silence to report.

 

Ultimately you need to trust your kid, send virtual hugs and lots of homemade cookies.

[creekland]

I was incredibly independent in college and I'm expecting/allowing my boys to be too. They will make their own choices and have their own consequences. We're definitely here for them at any time, but they are starting their own lives.

 

Our financial support is exactly what we set it out to be in the beginning. They're earning the rest or doing without. We did contemplate stopping paying for my oldest's cell phone when he quit calling/contacting us as often as WE would like, but we didn't. I'm glad we didn't. Yesterday we had a nice conversation with him. He flew away from the nest for a little bit, but is figuring out a nice distance overall now. He's also going to be proposing to his GF next week - with plans on getting married after graduation in 2 years. ;)

 

I'll note that at no time did drugs or alcohol come into play where I thought he was ruining his life. If that were the case, I would probably try to see what I could do.

 

But the kids are adults... time to let them be adults and make their own choices - just keeping the $$ there while they are in school and not able to 100% support themselves. I enjoyed not having the micromanaging when I was at that point and definitely don't plan to micromanage their adult lives.

[Christy B]

Y'all are GREAT. :grouphug:

 

I thought I was doing it wrong. Probably because I'm surrounded by people that make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong, which is why I come here.

 

The disaster I witnessed was a young woman who expected her parents to provide her car, car insurance, and health insurance; and who lived with us an d allowed us to provide her room, board, and food - and yet refused to listen to anything any of us had to say; insisted on doing everything "her" way, because she was so "independent" and was "making her own way in the world". Um, no, making your own way involves paying your own way. It was an attitude. She kept making horrible choices in the face of good advice, and then expecting us to clean up her mistakes, all while telling people how she was "so on her own, all alone in the world, having to fend for herself". I just really, really don't want to ever see that attitude of complete self-centered ungratefulness in my child. It was horrible.

 

I keep feeling like I'm doing something "wrong" because dd is moving out so easily and is so independent. Really and truly, all she needs from me at this point is a tuition check and the occasional nudge. I just don't want her to get the vibe that she doesn't have parents, and that she can't come to us for help, advice, to find a way out of a pickle, or just for some moral support and parental affection. I don't want her to feel like I've washed my hands of her and moved on to other interests.

 

She is the most disorganized person I have ever met, and that is probably the last area in which I have held on to a little micro-management. However, I just realized yesterday that she is gone on her third camp for the summer, and I have not set foot in her room in any of the time she's been gone. I've been busy working on my own projects; and realized that for too many summers I have used her away time to clean and organize HER mess -- well, she can just come home and clean and organize it herself, as she packs for college. So I think I've actually let go of the last area of her life that I've tried (and failed, lol) to manage.

 

Dd is super independent, makes good choices, works hard, and stays out of trouble. We've had the obvious discussions re: drugs and alchohol; I have no specific concerns. She's going to be in an environment that really makes access to those challenging, to begin with, and I don't think she's interested. She's had opportunity; we have routinely let her spread her wings. As far as sex; well, she knows plenty enough to know to be safe, which is my primary concern. Beyond that, she is so smitten with someone at home that I don't know that anyone could turn her head if they tried. She will be with attractive cadets of both genders; it could happen. It won't be the end of the world as far as I'm concerned; mostly, I don't want romance to be a distraction from her goals of a solid education and a great college experience.

 

So, really, with all of that into consideration -- it's perfectly fine for us to send her off to college with our blessing, just like we're doing, right?

 

I think I'm shocked by how easy I'm finding it to "let go" of her -- like I'm doing something wrong, and that I should be staying more engaged and active than I am. But it's okay? She's independent, she's bright, she's ready to go. It's fine to just let her -- she knows we're her safety net.

 

Am I doing it right, after all?

[Christy B]

:iagree: YES. You are getting the big picture. Funny, I would never have thought my "crisis of faith" was related to the other concerns. You think it is? Interesting.

 

It looks like there are other issues??

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?p=4080692#post4080692

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=403354

 

Is this the college she will be going to??

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=361588

 

AHH.. you are letting her go early...she needs you as a human alarm clock.. But this place sounds VERY VERY structured...

[Nan in Mass]

If you have been doing a good job parenting all along, there is no reason why things should suddenly change. The child that trusted you to advise them will not suddenly stop trusting you or coming to you with problems. You just wind up advising from a distance, which makes it more difficult because you don't have as much information. The difficulties are balanced by fact that your child's judgement and experience are increasing. You are likely to get the very trivial problems (what do I set the oven at for this and such) or the very difficult ones (I forgot I had jury duty and missed it now what do I do). The ones in between, the child tends to deal with alone or with the help of friends. I think this all works better if you accept the fact that you have no authority anymore, but that you have just as great (or even more) influence. Choose your words carefully and be very cautious about the advice you offer. It is ok to say that you don't know, or that the situation looks unsolvable or at best, a choice of the lesser of several evils. Those sorts of choices are common in adult lives.

 

We have walked ours step by step through every new adult experience.

 

Nan

[Beth in OH]

Jane in NC is always so wise.....heed her wisdom!

 

I'll talk about what I do when I visit out of town college students (this approach won't suit everyone ;)). First my Chicago dd lives in an apartment. She has extra space and a bed, but I still choose to stay in a hotel. The main reason is that I usually go for several days at a time, but I don't expect her to set aside three full days to spend with me. She's a student with commitments! I try to spend time with her when it works into her schedule--go out to dinner; go to an event; hang out for a few hours here and there; buy supplies and fix dinner at her apartment., etc.

 

This way my visit will be welcome and not stressful. I also get to observe her in her own element, and she is relaxed and able to really "connect" during the time we do spend together. I also do a fair amount of spoiling her when I go visit. :lol:

[Gwen in VA]

It sounds like she is a good kid.

 

Relax, trust her, and have a latte!

 

Before my kids left, I said two things --

 

1) Everybody does something dumb at some point. Some dumb things are more serious than others, but everyone does something. We're here as a resource -- please let us help you through the challenge.

 

2) You can't be or do everything. (Then we laid out our expectations......)

 

but really you have to let go and trust that your kid will steer her own life!

[Barbara H]

One message that a lot of kids could really benefit from hearing...

 

"We are proud of you and we believe you will be successful, but we don't expect you to be perfect. A lot of people stumble their first year in college - it could be classes are harder than you expect, you get your heart broken for the first time, you feel anxious or depressed for the first time. Whatever it is, remember these are not unique problems and there are always solutions to problems. There are people to help you - your parents, your friends, and campus resources like the tutoring and counseling centers. "

 

Sometimes kids get so caught up in the hype of college acceptances, graduation parties, proud relatives, etc. that they start to expect way too much of themselves. When problems occur they dig themselves deeper and deeper into a hole. If they are depressed that might come in the form of dodging a parent's phone call. Or, if they are having trouble with a class they might stop going to the class or they go and just zone out. But, it is a pattern of hiding from trouble that sinks so many first year college students.

 

Even if it is just saying "you know you might expect yourself to get all As but plenty of good students don't get all As their first semester in college" can be a huge source of relief for some students. Talk about common problems (and not just of the sex and drugs) variety.

[Nan in Mass]

Stories help. In the process of packing up and dropping off, we told lots of stories about the silly or stupid things we had done in college and our parents did the same thing, so our sons were (hopefully) left with the feeling that it was ok to talk about the stupid things they do. We also talked about a few of the ways we successfully overcame challenges. I know I clung to the stories my parents told as I struggled with my own challenges and stupid mistakes.

 

Nan

[sepuld]

Yes! to what the posters were saying. I think separation tension is normal--I can honestly say that I wanted to be in college even before I set my applications in! If you think about it, your child has been prepping for college for quite awhile and by summer it's normal to be rarin' to go. Having friction is part of the process of preparing to depart; it makes the process of adjustment to the new digs easier, although I know it's hard on the parent especially.

 

Really, if a child is demonstrably responsible with time and money and seeks out a good support network, he or she (she in this case) is on the way to doing very well in college. The more she can practice doing that on her own, the better. Time, money, and support are things people need to do well throughout their lives.

 

Now that I'm a young adult, I'm so grateful that my parents gave me financial and time freedom, especially, while in college. Like your daughter, I was very responsible with my time and money, so they let me do my thing. When I came into unexpected snags, they were there, but they still let me keep on my own two feet. I appreciated that.

 

Best wishes for you and your daughter! I was one of tandem "first ones out" too.

 

Best,

DD 23

Bryn Mawr '11

Edited July 13, 2012 by sepuld