Colonoscopy Journal

[Doran]

To liven up your Sunday, I thought I'd share this.

 

 

WARNING: Put. The beverage. Down.

 

 

...I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,

 

"HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

 

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the he** forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

 

 

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

 

 

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking "Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''...and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

 

 

 

 

This message comes to us courtesy of Dave Barry's A Journey Into My Colon -- and Yours. The unedited version, which does go on to make a very valid case for having a colonoscopy, can be found here.

[Brindee]

:lol: My dh really likes Dave Barry! I copied and pasted this to him!

[Athena]

I about died reading that. Then my kids wanted to know WHY I was laughing so hard. BWAHAHA. I can't even explain it.

:smilielol5:

 

That was hysterical, thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

 

 

 

Christy

 

:lol:

[TammyinTN]

Boy did I need that! :D:D:D:lol::lol::lol:

[Gretchen in NJ]

This wins the prize for the funniest post ever.

 

My family came running into the school room with men in white coats. They thought I finally went nuts.:001_huh:

 

 

[HollyinNNV]

I generally hate Dave Barry, but this is hilarious. Thanks for the great laugh!

Holly

[Ashleen]

Thank you so much for posting this. My mom's mom died of colon cancer and my mom has been having all sorts of digestive symptoms. They removed her gallbladder last year, which didn't help at all, and now they're recommending a colonoscopy, which she refuses to get. She has seen one doctor after another and they all say to get a colonoscopy, and she still won't. I am emailing her a link to the article.

[Quiver0f10]

Very funny! Thanks for sharing.

[Athena]

now they're recommending a colonoscopy, which she refuses to get. She has seen one doctor after another and they all say to get a colonoscopy, and she still won't. I am emailing her a link to the article.

 

I am sure she has heard this from countless others but here goes anyway: My dad had one last yr and I was terrified for him (mostly the embaressed part) and he said it was no big deal at all. Actually it seemed a lot like this article. He went to sleep, didn't feel anything & was fine afterwards! Consider this just one more reassuring voice!

 

I hope she goes, my in-laws are super stubborn about going to the doc. Drives us all crazy worrying about them!

 

Blessings,

Christy

[serene]

but this is hysterical :lol: - probably due to 'been there, done that' empathy!

 

Thanks for the laughs!

[Sugarfoot]

Colonoscopies are important! DH removes precancerous tumors from colons nearly everyday. Left undetected, they can become cancer, and colon cancer is very difficult to fight. And yes, the conversation at our dinner table is...just lovely:).

[Remudamom]

Thank you so much for posting this. My mom's mom died of colon cancer and my mom has been having all sorts of digestive symptoms. They removed her gallbladder last year, which didn't help at all, and now they're recommending a colonoscopy, which she refuses to get. She has seen one doctor after another and they all say to get a colonoscopy, and she still won't. I am emailing her a link to the article.

 

You tell your mom to get her butt (:lol:) in there. I had to have one and it doesn't hurt at all. Not during, not later. It is no big deal. Easy peasy.

[sleepy]

Hilarious!

 

I'm never gonna need one of those, right? Right?!

[Doran]

Thank you so much for posting this. My mom's mom died of colon cancer and my mom has been having all sorts of digestive symptoms. They removed her gallbladder last year, which didn't help at all, and now they're recommending a colonoscopy, which she refuses to get. She has seen one doctor after another and they all say to get a colonoscopy, and she still won't. I am emailing her a link to the article.

 

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, and I hope somehow the humor in Barry's piece helps her get over her stubborn fears. I am also glad that the overriding positive message in this writing (esp. the whole article), and the fact that maybe somehow it will encourage some to get the procedure done, came through. Aside from laughing pretty hard at his words, I also saw clearly how much of an advocate he was trying to be.

 

Best wishes.

[cin]

DH just had one of these done. I read this to him and he laughed so hard he was crying.

 

On the evening of DH's prep I took the girls out. I figured he would have no peace with them in the house.

[Julie in CA]

This was so funny that I truly did LOL!

I wish the humor would be enough to help my dh feel more comfortable with the idea of a colonoscopy.

His dad died of colon cancer. My dh should go get this checked.

He's never. going. to. do. it.

Seriously, he'd probably die first (and maybe will).

We can send men to the moon, but we can't figure out a less invasive way to accomplish this? :confused:

[Doran]

This was so funny that I truly did LOL!

I wish the humor would be enough to help my dh feel more comfortable with the idea of a colonoscopy.

His dad died of colon cancer. My dh should go get this checked.

He's never. going. to. do. it.

Seriously, he'd probably die first (and maybe will).

We can send men to the moon, but we can't figure out a less invasive way to accomplish this? :confused:

 

 

I'm sure you are not alone in wishing your husband would take the initiative to get this done. Would he appreciate the humor in this post and might it ease him another step closer towards getting over his fears? Be sure to read (or have your dh do so) the whole article linked at the bottom of the funny excerpt. Barry really makes a good case for how important this is. There's also an excellent video done by Katie Couric. I can't view videos on my dial up connection, but I'm pretty sure clicking here will take you to an appropriate link

 

Best wishes to you.