munashe Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) I have been a long time lurker here and I am interested in your opinion on what to do regarding my 12 year old daughter. We have tried to remain civil with her Dad since we separated in 2002 when she was 2 years old. I have looked after her all the time and she sees her dad once a fortnight. In January this year I started homeschooling her, I mentioned it to her dad who was OK with it but not enthusiastic about it. I homeschool her because she had some bullying problems in the private school she was in as most public schools in our are are just dire in my eyes. She had been in school till just before she turned 12. Her dad moved last weekend to be in this area, just a bus ride away. He was living about 20miles away. He mentioned about a month ago that our daughter didn't want to be home schooled anymore so was it OK for him too start looking for schools. I told him to just give us more time.Today after a weekend at her dad she said to me that she would really like to try and live with her dad just to see how it feels like and she will see me over the weekends. She said she has spoken to her dad who is fine with this and he wants to know what I think asap so he can start arranging schools for September asap. Initially I was really distraught and thought about what have I may have done wrong. I have looked after her as a single mum then remarried in 2008 so what could I have done for her not to want me. I remained calm in her face and now I am sort of in an acceptance place that perhaps she just wants to see how it is like living with her father. He lives just a bus ride away. These are the options I gave her initially -She stays with her dad and come here in the morning for school. -I get her back into school and we continue living together. She said both options aren't good for her. Here is my biggest fear, the schools here aren't good and I feel she will regress and move a step back academically. There is also a feeling of not wanting to give it up but I don't want her blaming me all the rest of her life. Part of me thinks she should go and stay with him and then part of me says we took her out of her last school because she complained then she started missing that school. Could this be a trend or just something else come into my head. Deep down I want to stay with her and continue homeschooling but at what price? Your thoughts please. Edited June 11, 2012 by munashe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 So, you have been the primary care giver to your daughter for the last 10 years and her dad moves closer a week ago and you are second guessing your decisions? This is not to be harsh at all, but I would not allow a 12-year-old to make a decision about her education. Especially when it is so clearly based on "grass is greener" syndrome. You need to remember that you are the final authority on these decisions. Not your ex and certainly not your child. Encourage the relationship between dad and daughter as much as possible after school hours, but full time and against what you know to be best for her? Not a chance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I'm with Meghan. My response would be "We're going to continue what we're doing now and revisit the issue in a year." I'd also be accomodating and letting her spend more time with her dad. It might help her see that the grass isn't always greener. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbmom Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I would tell her that you will seriously consider it if she can come up with a list of good reasons she wants to live with her dad. Because she wants to see what it would be like is not a good reason, nor is 'dad will let me do whatever I want' which it seems like the main thought might be. If the list comes back with things you can address with her living with you, then work together to address them and if she can come back with a list of good reasons, then I do think you should sit down and seriously consider them. I do remember as a teenage I would always want to go live with my dad after a visit to his house (although I probably only saw him 4-6 times a year) but it would wear off after a week or so. In your situation, she sees her dad often enough for it to not wear off. Maybe a compromise would be to wait six months and if she still wants to live with him then she can try it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 How are the child custody laws there? It really depends on what leverage school has. If it was between home education and private school.... and one would sway her to live at her dads..... I would take my daughter in school with me! Just a thought... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I think the OP needs to seriously consider how custody is arranged in her locality. 12 or 13 is about the age a judge would take the child's opinion into consideration. If the father has been regularly involved (once every 2 weeks would meet that requirement in most cases) and has no serious issues, a change in physical custody could easily be court ordered. So, in most cases I would agree that a 12 year old should not be making major educational decisions. However, this 12 year has 2 parents who are not in agreement and need to work together or relationships could go down hill fast. First, I think the OP should not take any of this personally. This is perfectly normal expected behavior of a 12 year old. This is very hard and I know I would feel terribly rejected after working so hard mostly alone for 10 years. But she's 12 and she's expressing an interest in knowing her father. She's not going to look at it from her point of view and it is reasonable for a kid to want to know a parent better. Second, the OP needs to meet with her ex without the dd present. They need to look at all the options carefully and be on the same page. If the OP is worried about regression in ps perhaps they need to set up a contract regarding the dd's grades and performance in school and consequences for the dd. To address look at the progress overall, perhaps they should have outside testing done before entering school and then again at the end of the school year to document progress objectively. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I think the OP needs to seriously consider how custody is arranged in her locality. 12 or 13 is about the age a judge would take the child's opinion into consideration. If the father has been regularly involved (once every 2 weeks would meet that requirement in most cases) and has no serious issues, a change in physical custody could easily be court ordered. So, in most cases I would agree that a 12 year old should not be making major educational decisions. However, this 12 year has 2 parents who are not in agreement and need to work together or relationships could go down hill fast. First, I think the OP should not take any of this personally. This is perfectly normal expected behavior of a 12 year old. This is very hard and I know I would feel terribly rejected after working so hard mostly alone for 10 years. But she's 12 and she's expressing an interest in knowing her father. She's not going to look at it from her point of view and it is reasonable for a kid to want to know a parent better. Second, the OP needs to meet with her ex without the dd present. They need to look at all the options carefully and be on the same page. If the OP is worried about regression in ps perhaps they need to set up a contract regarding the dd's grades and performance in school and consequences for the dd. To address look at the progress overall, perhaps they should have outside testing done before entering school and then again at the end of the school year to document progress objectively. :iagree: Ordinarily a 12 would not have input into educational decisions but she is now old enough for her voice to carry some weight in court and the court could easily be the final arbitrator. I wouldn't worry so much. My ex and I shared custody of my dd in many unusual ways. Sometimes she was with me for summer and dad for the school year and other times it was the other way around. Things were pretty civil regarding her custody and I would say over time she probably spent a little more time with her father than me but she is much closer to me now than she is to her father. Her reason for wanting to be with her father was that he felt sorry for him and did not want him to be alone. I would put some effort into coming to an agreeable decision because you will have much less say so if the courts become involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 My advice is to set up a meeting with your ex to discuss everything, including your reasons for pulling her out of school in the first place. As co-parents you need to get on the same page. If he's always only been "Disney Dad" - seeing her only on weekends and holidays for the fun stuff, then of course she wants to live with him. He hasn't had to be the full time disciplinarian. He's lollipops and roller coaster rides and all things fun and exciting in a child's eyes. If you want to pursue the option of her living with her Dad, then I would do it on the condition that she still comes to you for school. She is not old enough to make that decision on her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 This probably won't help but...At some point in my own pre-teen years, I asked to live with my father. My mom thought it might be for the best because I was going through a very unhappy period and she couldn't figure out how to help me. I don't think I lasted three days, and I asked to go home again. Do you think your dd is just unhappy right now (hormones?) and is just looking for something to make herself feel better and thinks living with her Dad would help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Is dad aware of the bullying problems? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
munashe Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) Thank you all, I don't think her father would take any legal action for several reasons. My only concern is my daughter at present. She helped her Dad paint the new house before he moved in and she told me about the new furniture he was going to get for her so I think its all the nostalgia. Having spend the whole day worrying and mulling over it I think I will stick to the arrangement we have now. She is going nowhere and I will continue homeschooling her. If her father decides to take me to court so be it and if my daughter hates me for life, I will live with the consequences. Its very hard having looked after her on my own since she was a baby for me to just give her up like that to someone who wasn't there most times when he was needed. My mum had to leave with my daughter for 6 months when things were really tough and he refused to look after her. Now that she is becoming more independent he is glad to come and have her. Sorry flashbacks are all coming and I am even angry at myself for entertaining the idea in the first palce. I will stay with my daughter as I have always. Thank you all and it was good hearing your different perspectives. Edited June 11, 2012 by munashe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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