SBMama Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Background: My brother is a narcotic addict. He also drinks a lot. I have very minimal contact with him, only when we happen to run into each other at family events (if he even comes). I have posted about him on this board before, and you ladies have been very helpful. A few months back he started dating this girl, and she got pregnant right away. My brother and the girl are both over the moon excited about the pregnancy. Meanwhile, my parents have gone back to their old ways of enabling him, because they "have to help the baby." He has already burned both of them, and gotten a lot of money from them. The girlfriend called my mom the other day, and asked if she would throw a baby shower for them. My mom pulled me into it, and said that we would. I have already told my mom that I do not feel comfortable with this, and that I cannot forget every thing that has happened just because he is having a baby. She keeps telling me that we have to do it for the baby. My brother texted this to me yesterday morning (I didn't/don't answer his calls): "Im sorry ive done so much that u dislike me. Just wanted to let u know ur going to have a nephew!" First I cried, then I got mad that he made it sound like he is a victim of my "dislike". Ugh, I don't know what to say or if I should even respond. I am so worried about this baby. None of this is his fault, but I don't know how to handle the whole situation. :sad: This is what I am thinking about saying. Does this sound okay? Actually, what I really want to do is ignore it, but I feel like I should say something. "I love you, but you are an addict. Unfortunately, the choices that you make and the things that you do to maintain that addiction often hurt the people that love you. Congrats on your little boy." :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 I think what you have us good, but I'd play around with the words a bit. He could become clean and sober, but in AA and NA they underline that you're still an addict. For example, many AA people I know look at themselves in the mirror and say "I'm (name) and I'm an alcoholic" to stay strong. Maybe "First of all congratulations on your little boy. Just to be clear - I love you. It's your addiction that I hate and the way it effects (affects?) other people." What do you think of that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 "my mom pulled me into it" <--I don't get that part, are you actively involved in the shower for the baby? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 "my mom pulled me into it" <--I don't get that part, are you actively involved in the shower for the baby? Sorry, my mom told the girlfriend that she (my mom) and I would plan a baby shower together. My mom did not ask me first. She just offered that I would do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerbread Mama Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Sorry, my mom told the girlfriend that she (my mom) and I would plan a baby shower together. My mom did not ask me first. She just offered that I would do it. First, I'd stick with I love you, but hate the addiction or something to that effect....if I responded. Honestly, if you really don't want to deal with this, just don't respond. I can't see this going away just because you responded to his text, often that just opens the door to debate or negotiating. As for the quote above, just say NO. If you really, truly don't feel like this is what you should do, don't. If your mother feels led to do this, let her. I've planned a baby shower by myself before, it isn't impossible. ETA: Or perhaps don't even mention the addiction or that part of his message. Just send back, congratulations on your little boy and let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Sorry, my mom told the girlfriend that she (my mom) and I would plan a baby shower together. My mom did not ask me first. She just offered that I would do it. Then your first order of business is to decide whether you will be a part of it or not. WRT your brother's text, I would ignore it. I divorced my drug-addicted, alcoholic mother two decades ago. I ignore every piece of information from her or about her. The thing with addicts is, they will use every opportunity they can to manipulate you. He may very well have honest intentions with the birth of his new baby, but if he's still using, he's seeing this new baby as the 'golden goose' of opportunity. Is the girlfriend an addict as well? It's not an easy situation for you to be in. My heart goes out to you and the new baby on his way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie131 Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Honestly, if you don't want to engage in this with him. I would text just "congratulations" and leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 My husband has dealt with so many addicts in his work, and his experiences have rubbed off on me a bit. I am no expert, but it seems to me that addicts must be kept at an arm's length, never be trusted, and treated as one would treat a business partner. Emotions and long conversations seem to only add drama, which is not what you want for your own precious sanity (we need every ounce as homeschooling moms, right?). If you are a praying person, praying is key. Bless you... Camy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Perfect timing and opportunity to explore your boundaries with this stuff. Not to be harsh on your mom here, but she needs to know to ask first and accept your answers without explanations. She probably doesn't know any better in this area honestly-maybe start with this. Worrying about the baby is perfectly normal I'd think. Prayer/meditation/whatever your into, is probably the most effective and healthy thing you could do all the way around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire in NM Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Do you respond at all? Only you can answer this question. It is interesting that he sent you a text about the birth of his son along with his mentioning your "dislike" of him. Your reaction to his text is understandable. These types of exchanges are typical with someone who is an addict. My heart goes out to you. As for your initial response to his text, I think you are spot on. It's honest and to the point. Claire in NM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Wow....never to be trusted? My husband is a recovering alcoholic. (I say recovering because that is HIS words...he says he will be recovering as long as he is alive.) I would hate to think that people would think he could never be trusted. Yes, if they are actively in their addiction, then I understand the sentiment, but if one knows they are never to be trusted, then that can't really give them much encouragement to get clean can it? I *am* an addict, and I took that post to mean someone not in active recovery. I could be wrong. OP, your brother's text was passive/aggressive and not an apology. Your gut is right; a baby will not straighten up an addict. Eventually, things will get worse (again). YOUR PART is not setting appropriate boundaries with Mom. I'd encourage Mom and Dad to attend Al Anon/NarcAnon and lather, rinse, repeat endlessly. I'd either ignore the text or say "Congratulations on the baby. I look forward to meeting my nephew." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Tbog, I apologize for any offense caused. Joanne was right in assuming that I meant an addict who is not in recovery. Overcoming an addiction is extremely difficult, so kudos to you. Blessings, Camy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Once an addict, always an addict. The user/abuser mentality never goes away no matter how "clean" one becomes, as you know. And I don't recall you saying that you got the girlfriend pregnant. So you owe nothing to the baby either. Families come as a package deal. If you don't need to be around your brother, then you don't need to be around the baby either. Personally, I would not respond to the text and I would not help your mother with the shower. Where I'm from, it's in bad taste for a family member to throw a shower anyway. That could be your excuse. Sorry, I'm so blunt. But anyone can be an enabler if you allow yourself to get sucked in. Enablers need company, too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Once an addict, always an addict. The user/abuser mentality never goes away no matter how "clean" one becomes, as you know. :glare::001_huh: It's true biologically and clinically that an addict/alcoholic can never return to safe, social, or appropriate use. The bolded part is an insulting lie, however. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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