Moxie Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) If you were the stong, silent type due to having grown up in a stoic-to-the-point-of-disfunctional family and you realized that your marriage was suffering due to your inability to communicate well, where would you go for help? Book suggestions would be great. ETA: I'm the strong and silent one, just to clarify. Edited May 28, 2012 by Moxie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 My husband did, but it took a catalyst that almost destroyed our marriage, so I wouldn't suggest that route. I will say, though, that having a third party "interpret" for us (him, mostly) was helpful in having him "hear" what was said, rather than assume the ostrich position until the talking stopped. (which is typical of his family; they almost ball up like pill bugs if anything even smell like it might be not-pleasant.) What about the Five Love Languages? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Check out Love and Respect - its a book, but also a weekend conference and a DVD series. My dh and I went to the weekend conference and a few years later did the DVD series over several weeks (once a week) with other couples. My dh felt like this was the first time he had felt validated for his feelings as a man. We live in such a "pink" world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Something that really helped our communication skills was to go out boating together. We both learned to be clear in instructions and learned to listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I liked the Love and Respect series, we did it in a Bible Study group at church. We're currently going through the Hold Me Tight book with our marriage counselor. I also read a book once called Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars. It was pretty insightful. In our marriage, the roles are reversed, so I gave it to my husband to read. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 If you were the stong, silent type due to having grown up in a stoic-to-the-point-of-disfunctional family and you realized that your marriage was suffering due to your inability to communicate well, where would you go for help? Book suggestions would be great. ETA: I'm the strong and silent one, just to clarify. I don't have any advice, but I'm the silent type too. I hate discussing my feelings, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I liked the Love and Respect series, we did it in a Bible Study group at church. We're currently going through the Hold Me Tight book with our marriage counselor. I also read a book once called Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars. It was pretty insightful. In our marriage, the roles are reversed, so I gave it to my husband to read. ;) So if your roles are reversed (like mine are) how did those studies go in a group? I always assumed they just pidgeon-holed people in into their typical women are from venus, men are from mars types and I would be frustrated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Check out Love and Respect - its a book, but also a weekend conference and a DVD series. My dh and I went to the weekend conference and a few years later did the DVD series over several weeks (once a week) with other couples. My dh felt like this was the first time he had felt validated for his feelings as a man. We live in such a "pink" world. :iagree::iagree: I can't tell you HOW much this book helped us...and we had a pretty decent marriage before we read it. We also went to the conference...the DVDs are basically the conference, so if you're able, it would be good, too. My dh doesn't really like to read, so the conf. was helpful. He felt that his feelings and identity were finally validated . I finally understand a whole lot better. My dh comes from dysfunctional communicators and it has been a struggle for us to find a happy median to meet at for that area. I am happy to say he is the most emotionally healthy of all his brothers and 1 sister. I've given up on his mom...I just smile and do small talk. Nothing serious or of significance has ever been talked about with her. Don't give up- it's worth persevering. True understanding of each other helps the road go smoothly. It took my dh a long time to really know WHAT he thought/felt. He'd never thought much about it when we first got married. It was worth the hard work for both of us to get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted May 28, 2012 Author Share Posted May 28, 2012 I don't have any advice, but I'm the silent type too. I hate discussing my feelings, etc. I would like to talk about my feelings but I. just. can't. How do you overcome that?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I would like to talk about my feelings but I. just. can't. How do you overcome that?? I love Gottman's work: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414 I think you'll find hope for the strong silent type in this book. E.g. "When you don't put the laundry in the drier, it puts me behind" rather than "Why can't you remember to move the wash along!" The first is a statement of fact and the other an expression of feeling. The first is more effective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 So if your roles are reversed (like mine are) how did those studies go in a group? I always assumed they just pidgeon-holed people in into their typical women are from venus, men are from mars types and I would be frustrated. Well, we only did the Love and Respect series in a group, and I didn't think much in that book challenged the ways the roles are reversed in our marriage. The other we're doing in counseling, just the two of us. What helped me the most was that we went to a marriage conference once, called Weekend to Remember. They're all different, but the one we went to, the couple leading it were reversed- he was the talker, she was the clam. That was the most validating experience for me. I think I assumed I would have to change in order for our marriage to work, figured I was broken. But seeing a woman like me, with a husband like mine, and seeing that they were able to coach other couples- that just made me feel better about embracing who I am. And it helped my husband see that I didn't have to change. I would recommend Hold Me Tight as a book you could even just read on your own. It is pretty eye-opening in the descriptions of the toxic conversation patterns couples get into. At the same time we started that, on my own I read Adult Children of Dysfunction and this also gave me a TON of insight into both mine and my husband's families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I would like to talk about my feelings but I. just. can't. How do you overcome that?? I understand... totally. And I have no idea how to overcome it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Well, we only did the Love and Respect series in a group, and I didn't think much in that book challenged the ways the roles are reversed in our marriage. The other we're doing in counseling, just the two of us. What helped me the most was that we went to a marriage conference once, called Weekend to Remember. They're all different, but the one we went to, the couple leading it were reversed- he was the talker, she was the clam. That was the most validating experience for me. I think I assumed I would have to change in order for our marriage to work, figured I was broken. But seeing a woman like me, with a husband like mine, and seeing that they were able to coach other couples- that just made me feel better about embracing who I am. And it helped my husband see that I didn't have to change. I would recommend Hold Me Tight as a book you could even just read on your own. It is pretty eye-opening in the descriptions of the toxic conversation patterns couples get into. At the same time we started that, on my own I read Adult Children of Dysfunction and this also gave me a TON of insight into both mine and my husband's families. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 I agree with Gottman. Another good one for what you describe is Getting the Love You Want: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1338251433&sr=8-2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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