S/O Of my own "strategic default" thread

[AlmiraGulch]

So as I work through the pros and cons of the decision to stay or walk away (and I waver about every 5 minutes, which tells me I'm not ready to do it yet), I have another circumstance to add and I'm wondering if anyone's opinion would change.

 

I just found out my father had a heart attack. He's ok for now, but he has other health problems that make it more complicated (transplant recipient, for one). Without getting into the gory details, he'll be having surgery ASAP, but that won't be until at least Tuesday of next week because he has to be off blood thinners that long so he doesn't bleed out on the table. Meanwhile, they're monitoring him very closely, as he has 100% blockage in one artery and 80% in another. Needless to say, Tuesday can't come soon enough....

 

That said, I started thinking about my mom. If my dad should not make it through this (or, if he dies in the next year or two, for that matter), my mom is going to have to move. My parents live in a very rural, secluded area. I live closest to them and I'm about 750 miles away. She is not feeble by any stretch of the imagination, but she has COPD and ends up in the hospital once or twice a year. She also doesn't see well to drive at night. None of my brothers or sisters has any room for her, and neither do I. We'd FIND room, but really....we would all by extraordinarily uncomfortable, including her. (I have a 3 bedroom home and already have 6 people living in it).

 

If I were renting a bigger place I'd have a spot for her. On the other hand, my house bumps up right next to a Senior Living apartment complex. She cannot afford to rent anything, but if a one bedroom is about $600 a month (which I think it is) and if my sisters and I all contributed $100 a month, mom could live there. In that case, she'd still have her own space but be close. That's contingent upon her agreeing to do it, being approved (her credit is horrible), and my siblings agreeing to pay.

 

I realize this isn't imminent, but it is inevitable, whether it be my mom or my dad, in 1 week or 3 years. Given that, would you try to find a bigger place that could accommodate everyone (meaning, go through with the mortgage default) , or stay put so you could be directly next door to your elderly parent in their own space?

 

Life.....just when you think you have everything under control, it goes and rips the rug out from under you......

[Trish]

I think in general you don't make big decisions at Traumatic Times, if you can help it. This sounds stressful. I'd wait and see how everything plays out, and just focus on your dad for now.

[Jane in NC]

My goodness! Sending positive thoughts to you and your parents in these trying times.

 

Jane

[bkpan]

I think in general you don't make big decisions at Traumatic Times, if you can help it. This sounds stressful. I'd wait and see how everything plays out, and just focus on your dad for now.

 

:iagree: This is wise advice.

[AlmiraGulch]

All of this is true. I'm not making any decisions about any of it right now. The new circumstances just got me thinking about it from a different perspective.

 

My sisters and I have talked about what to do about my parents, but they (the parents) have said they don't know how much longer they think they'll be able to stay there by themselves and that eventually they'll need to go somewhere. We've all talked about it, but no one actually had any great ideas. The one about moving one of them (or both, if it comes to that) to the apartments near me has never even come up, although I can't be sure why.

 

I don't know. None of it (including what to do about the house I live in now) has to be or even should be decided today. I was just wondering if the issue about my parents would make a difference in anyone's advice/opinions.

 

And WendyandMilo, yes....you're right. There is certainly no guarantee I'd find a bigger place, so if I really do want to take my parents and their future needs into consideration, I need to seriously take a step back. AND, have a conversation with my sisters.

[4everHis]

OP, did you ever figure out what the 'appraisal' of your house is vs. the tax assessment? If not you're still basing your decisions on flawed info.

 

I have friends who are landlords and they are becoming much more vigilant about credit checks/history and checking references, because of people who are renting then deciding not to pay rent and choosing to ignore eviction notices. I'm thinking it might not be as easy to rent as you think after walking away and most will not rent more than 2 people to a bedroom so if you foresee having a parent with you, you'll have to rent bigger than you need. Just things to think about.

[Butter]

Because it's impossible to know the future, and if you *can* pay and have no current compelling reason to move (such as a job change to a place that you can't commute from your current home to), I would stay put. Really, you don't know if your house worth will increase over the next few years (prices are recovering in many parts of the country already - not to the insanely top of the bubble prices, but to reasonable ones). Or if you dad will do just fine. Or if your parents will choose to move elsewhere on their own. Or... or... or...

[AlmiraGulch]

OP, did you ever figure out what the 'appraisal' of your house is vs. the tax assessment? If not you're still basing your decisions on flawed info.

 

I have friends who are landlords and they are becoming much more vigilant about credit checks/history and checking references, because of people who are renting then deciding not to pay rent and choosing to ignore eviction notices. I'm thinking it might not be as easy to rent as you think after walking away and most will not rent more than 2 people to a bedroom so if you foresee having a parent with you, you'll have to rent bigger than you need. Just things to think about.

 

Yes, I have. I said so in that other thread but it has gotten pretty long and likely got lost. Of course the appraisal is higher than the tax assessment, but I'm still VERY much under water. Sigh.

[AlmiraGulch]

Because it's impossible to know the future, and if you *can* pay and have no current compelling reason to move (such as a job change to a place that you can't commute from your current home to), I would stay put. Really, you don't know if your house worth will increase over the next few years (prices are recovering in many parts of the country already - not to the insanely top of the bubble prices, but to reasonable ones). Or if you dad will do just fine. Or if your parents will choose to move elsewhere on their own. Or... or... or...

You're so right! I'm a chronic planner, though. I over analyze every stinking thing. This is just what I do. I need to cut it out. :)

[FaithManor]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I agree with not making any radical decisions right now. For a little bit, you'll be on the "one day at a time" plan until your dad is stabilized.

 

Something I would suggest is that if your parents are people amenable to live with and your dh is good with that, would your sisters instead of agreeing to $100.00 a month in the long term, agree to each taking a short term loan they could pay back, and put up an addition on your place? Is that possible? I know you would need to explore building codes and what not. But, a master suite, say 15 x 20, with a handicap accessible bathroom and a nice sitting area so they can have their privacy, would actually add value to your home if it could be done without you incurring debt...maybe your parents have some retirement savings that could be contributed to the cost.

 

It's just one scenario. My parents did this to my grandma's house when she could no longer live alone. My aunts decided that since they lived out of state and if they all shared her care, she would have to bounce around three different states and that doesn't lend itself well to continuity of medical care. So, they contributed what they could towards an addition to the house for my parents and sister - private bedrooms, sitting area, and bath. That way they could retreat when caregivers were there and my sister had somewhere to get away and study. My dad's name was put on the deed so that it became his house after she died.

 

My aunts took turns coming up for a week to two weeks at a time so my parents could take vacations. It was an equitable, amiable situation.

 

Faith

[vonfirmath]

You're so right! I'm a chronic planner, though. I over analyze every stinking thing. This is just what I do. I need to cut it out. :)

 

If you are anything like me "cutting it out" is not an option!

I can relate to this totally.

[Butter]

If you are anything like me "cutting it out" is not an option!

I can relate to this totally.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm a worrier and a planner so, yeah, totally get it! I often tell myself don't borrow trouble and the future will work itself out.

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I agree with not making any radical decisions right now. For a little bit, you'll be on the "one day at a time" plan until your dad is stabilized.

 

Something I would suggest is that if your parents are people amenable to live with and your dh is good with that, would your sisters instead of agreeing to $100.00 a month in the long term, agree to each taking a short term loan they could pay back, and put up an addition on your place? Is that possible? I know you would need to explore building codes and what not. But, a master suite, say 15 x 20, with a handicap accessible bathroom and a nice sitting area so they can have their privacy, would actually add value to your home if it could be done without you incurring debt...maybe your parents have some retirement savings that could be contributed to the cost.

 

It's just one scenario. My parents did this to my grandma's house when she could no longer live alone. My aunts decided that since they lived out of state and if they all shared her care, she would have to bounce around three different states and that doesn't lend itself well to continuity of medical care. So, they contributed what they could towards an addition to the house for my parents and sister - private bedrooms, sitting area, and bath. That way they could retreat when caregivers were there and my sister had somewhere to get away and study. My dad's name was put on the deed so that it became his house after she died.

 

My aunts took turns coming up for a week to two weeks at a time so my parents could take vacations. It was an equitable, amiable situation.

 

Faith

 

This would be great! Unfortunately, I live in a town home so that's not an option. Two of my sisters rent. One owns and has some land, but their youngest is about to go into the Navy, and my brother-in-law just retired from the airline so they're planning to sell and go travel the world. Which, really, I can't blame them for that! Also, my parents have no retirement savings. They live off of social security, a small pension, and.....well.....me (I send money).

[AlmiraGulch]

:iagree:

 

I'm a worrier and a planner so, yeah, totally get it! I often tell myself don't borrow trouble and the future will work itself out.

Glad I'm not alone!

[FaithManor]

This would be great! Unfortunately, I live in a town home so that's not an option. Two of my sisters rent. One owns and has some land, but their youngest is about to go into the Navy, and my brother-in-law just retired from the airline so they're planning to sell and go travel the world. Which, really, I can't blame them for that! Also, my parents have no retirement savings. They live off of social security, a small pension, and.....well.....me (I send money).

 

 

Well, I can't blame anyone for wanting to travel. But, they do have a moral obligation to fulfill to you if you are going to assume full care of your parents. So maybe when they sell their place they could infuse you with some money for future care.

 

Is it possible to rent your home for the cost of payment, property tax, insurance, and some maintenance savings thereby releasing you to find a bigger place?

 

This is just a really hard spot to be....sandwiched between still raising kids and then having parents that can't provide for themselves.

 

Are they low income enough to qualify for housing assistance? One town over has some retirement, handicap accessible apartments with a common area and activities coordinator. For lower income retirees, there is some rent assistance which keeps them out of nursing homes which is FAR more expensive for tax payers. So, you shouldn't feel guilty about helping them apply. It would be worth asking the social workers at your local hospital. I've found hospital soc's to be very helpful in regards to elder care planning.

 

Faith

[AlmiraGulch]

Well, I can't blame anyone for wanting to travel. But, they do have a moral obligation to fulfill to you if you are going to assume full care of your parents. So maybe when they sell their place they could infuse you with some money for future care. I'm not sure what they would do. It would be nice, and we need to talk about it, but I just don't know....

 

Is it possible to rent your home for the cost of payment, property tax, insurance, and some maintenance savings thereby releasing you to find a bigger place? No. Rents here are far less than what I'm paying for my mortgage, unfortunately. That would be ideal.

 

This is just a really hard spot to be....sandwiched between still raising kids and then having parents that can't provide for themselves.

 

Are they low income enough to qualify for housing assistance? One town over has some retirement, handicap accessible apartments with a common area and activities coordinator. For lower income retirees, there is some rent assistance which keeps them out of nursing homes which is FAR more expensive for tax payers. So, you shouldn't feel guilty about helping them apply. It would be worth asking the social workers at your local hospital. I've found hospital soc's to be very helpful in regards to elder care planning. I'm actually not sure about any of this, but I hadn't even thought of it. I'll definitely be looking into this. Thanks for the idea!

 

Faith

 

Now there's an idea I hadn't thought of! Thanks!