Need advice on how to handle my 4 year old

[Lifelearnin']

I am having such a difficult time with my 4 year old dd lately. She has a history of being stubborn and throwing tantrums, but now it's just out of control. I think I understand why she's acting out, but I just don't know how to handle her. To help you all understand this more I need to back up and share what's happening in our family. My nieces were taken from my sister by DCF and my husband and I offered to take them in. We have had them for just about 5 weeks now. All of our lives have been completely turned upside down. It's hard for me to get through the day at times, so I can only imagine that it's hard and confusing for my dd. We went from being a family of 5 to a family of 7 in such a short time. My oldest niece is very close in age, and her and dd fight constantly over everything! My youngest niece is almost 3 months old and gets a lot of my attention for feedings, changings, etc. We have DCF over the house a lot and are constantly busy with doctor appointments for the girls now. To say that things are crazy right now would be an understatement. All I can seem to do is just cry about this. I don't know how to reason with a 4 year old. I don't know what to do to stop these tantrums. I feel like I'm always second guessing my ability to handle dd because DCF is involved in our lives, and I don't want to do anything that would make them think we aren't good parents. I also sometimes wonder if we made the right choice. I love my nieces and want to help them, but I'm scared that this is going to cause permanent issues in our kids' lives. Ok, so now that you know the story, what can I do to help my dd and not lose my sanity? How can I help a stubborn child who has a lot to deal with? I'm open to any suggestions. I would also love if you all could pray for our family during this time. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[ktgrok]

My best advice would bet to try to have a routine that is the same each day, that she can count on. That should really help with the anxiety of not knowing what on earth is happening, you know? Give her some space of her own, just for her, and some one on one time with her every day. But mainly, have a routine. Doesn't have to be a schedule set to certain exact times, but a routine of this happens, then that, every day, would help a lot I bet.

[Sherriag]

I agree have a routine!! We had to have a strict routine for our kids. She might feel that she is not feeling loved. She is not used to sharing her parents with more people. It will take time. TALK COMMONLY!!!

[melissel]

I don't have time for a huge long post, but my standard reply to these posts is to look at her diet. My youngest was terrible to live with until I figured out that she's sensitive to artificial colors (and maybe more artificial stuff, but we just took it all out of her diet to be safe). I was at the point where I was looking for recommendations of specialists to get her evaluated, and where I was thinking that she would never be able to live on her own, she was so full of misery and rage.

 

I posted here about her a few times--you could search the board for them. I received lots of fabulous advice. The best thing we did, though, was to fix her diet. Some mamas here have kids sensitive to sulfites, gluten, dairy, colors, etc. IME, colors are the most common, and they're in EVERYTHING--"fruit" snacks, toothpaste, marshmallows (they're WHITE, why do they need colors?!), etc. It might be worth starting there and seeing if it helps.

 

Now she's a normal, cuddly, loving, handful of a 6-year-old who only goes all "brick wall" on me when she's had an accidental exposure (like the yellow potato roll around her burger at a recent fair *sigh*). She'll always be a slightly more difficult kid, but she's nothing like she was at 4 and 5. Nothing.

 

Here are some book to go with this:

 

The Explosive Child

The Out-of-Sync Child

Transforming the Difficult Child

Raising Your Spirited Child

 

All are great books and highly recommended.

 

:grouphug:

[hmvaughan4]

I agree with a routine. But I'd also make sure to have a special time for her often. Perhaps a short walk before bed, cuddling and book in the evenings, trip to the park, etc. Anything that is focused on her and only her. When DS2 was born, DS5 and I had "dates" to Chik Fil A and the grocery store. Not too exciting, but it was only the two of us.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I just lost my post....

 

First, commendation for you stepping up for your sister's kids. Kinship care is *much* harder than fostering or raising your biological children. It is TOUGH, especially emotionally.

 

I *really* wish I hadn't lost my post because I just dont' think I can say it again. Basically, there is NO way your daughter can understand this situation. Maybe in time (considering what my littles DO understand). But....

 

For now, try "time-ins." The idea isn't to discipline. I wouldn't talk about the issue at hand. Instead, she needs to connect with you. Her behavior is communication. She is behaving out of control because she is feeling out of control. She needs you to be in control AND there for her.

 

In addition to that, I would schedule time two or so times per day to sit with her close and just chat. Tell her what will happen during the day (or in the next part of the day). Talk about what did happen if it is later in the day. Talk about things that went well. There are two time periods suggested:

 

1) first and last four minutes of the day are MOST important. THis is hard for me because I have several little people all getting up or going to bed at the same time. I do better with the boys in the morning. I just stink at bedtime (and it was worse tonight <sigh>).

 

2) 10-20-10...You may not need quite that long, but a few minutes before something that may be challenging and a few minutes before it goes bad (so ideally it won't). Just a check in, a quick hug and talking about what is going well.

 

I say things like "naughty" and "goes bad," but it would be great if you could not look at behavior that way. It just *is* rather than good or bad.

 

I *really* am trying to learn to parent this way. My kids need it. It sounds like our daughter, with the things going on, may need it too.

[duckens]

No advice. Just :grouphug:.

 

You have done the right thing by taking in your nieces. You are making a world of difference for them.

 

There is understandably an adjustment period for EVERYONE.

 

Any chance you can skip homeschooling for the rest of the summer and just spend time with the kids?

[deacongirl]

Transforming the Difficult Child

Raising Your Spirited Child

 

All are great books and highly recommended.

 

:grouphug:

Love the bolded books.

[deacongirl]

 

For now, try "time-ins." The idea isn't to discipline. I wouldn't talk about the issue at hand. Instead, she needs to connect with you. Her behavior is communication. She is behaving out of control because she is feeling out of control. She needs you to be in control AND there for her.

 

In addition to that, I would schedule time two or so times per day to sit with her close and just chat. Tell her what will happen during the day (or in the next part of the day). Talk about what did happen if it is later in the day. Talk about things that went well. There are two time periods suggested:

 

1) first and last four minutes of the day are MOST important. THis is hard for me because I have several little people all getting up or going to bed at the same time. I do better with the boys in the morning. I just stink at bedtime (and it was worse tonight <sigh>).

 

2) 10-20-10...You may not need quite that long, but a few minutes before something that may be challenging and a few minutes before it goes bad (so ideally it won't). Just a check in, a quick hug and talking about what is going well.

 

I say things like "naughty" and "goes bad," but it would be great if you could not look at behavior that way. It just *is* rather than good or bad.

 

I *really* am trying to learn to parent this way. My kids need it. It sounds like our daughter, with the things going on, may need it too.

This was very well said. The investment of your time this way I would guess would have a big impact.

[LillyMama]

I just lost my post....

 

First, commendation for you stepping up for your sister's kids. Kinship care is *much* harder than fostering or raising your biological children. It is TOUGH, especially emotionally.

 

I *really* wish I hadn't lost my post because I just dont' think I can say it again. Basically, there is NO way your daughter can understand this situation. Maybe in time (considering what my littles DO understand). But....

 

For now, try "time-ins." The idea isn't to discipline. I wouldn't talk about the issue at hand. Instead, she needs to connect with you. Her behavior is communication. She is behaving out of control because she is feeling out of control. She needs you to be in control AND there for her.

 

In addition to that, I would schedule time two or so times per day to sit with her close and just chat. Tell her what will happen during the day (or in the next part of the day). Talk about what did happen if it is later in the day. Talk about things that went well. There are two time periods suggested:

 

1) first and last four minutes of the day are MOST important. THis is hard for me because I have several little people all getting up or going to bed at the same time. I do better with the boys in the morning. I just stink at bedtime (and it was worse tonight <sigh>).

 

2) 10-20-10...You may not need quite that long, but a few minutes before something that may be challenging and a few minutes before it goes bad (so ideally it won't). Just a check in, a quick hug and talking about what is going well.

 

I say things like "naughty" and "goes bad," but it would be great if you could not look at behavior that way. It just *is* rather than good or bad.

 

I *really* am trying to learn to parent this way. My kids need it. It sounds like our daughter, with the things going on, may need it too.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

So well said! I think 4 is a hard time for girls that aren't in your situation. We had all that with our daughter. Regular sleep, healthier diet, lots of hugs, and some date times all helped us. But, yes, communication is so frustrating for kids of this age, especially if they are younger siblings watching their older siblings be so much more effective. It will take time but it will get better.

 

Hang in there. I don't think this will damage or scar your daughter. If anything, she can grow close to her cousins. And you are modeling generosity, love and care for family, some of the most valuable lessons we can teach our kids.

 

:grouphug:

[Lifelearnin']

Thank you all for your responses. I definitely plan to add more structure and time together. I'm really hoping that we will get into a groove now that it's been a month since the girls came. I also know that I need to make sure she is getting a healthy diet. I have not been good about my family eating well lately either. The book suggestions were great. Both my husband and I like the looks of Transforming Your Difficult Child. That one will be purchased tomorrow.

[Unicorn.]

:grouphug:

I just lost my post....

 

First, commendation for you stepping up for your sister's kids. Kinship care is *much* harder than fostering or raising your biological children. It is TOUGH, especially emotionally.

 

I *really* wish I hadn't lost my post because I just dont' think I can say it again. Basically, there is NO way your daughter can understand this situation. Maybe in time (considering what my littles DO understand). But....

 

For now, try "time-ins." The idea isn't to discipline. I wouldn't talk about the issue at hand. Instead, she needs to connect with you. Her behavior is communication. She is behaving out of control because she is feeling out of control. She needs you to be in control AND there for her.

 

In addition to that, I would schedule time two or so times per day to sit with her close and just chat. Tell her what will happen during the day (or in the next part of the day). Talk about what did happen if it is later in the day. Talk about things that went well. There are two time periods suggested:

 

1) first and last four minutes of the day are MOST important. THis is hard for me because I have several little people all getting up or going to bed at the same time. I do better with the boys in the morning. I just stink at bedtime (and it was worse tonight <sigh>).

 

2) 10-20-10...You may not need quite that long, but a few minutes before something that may be challenging and a few minutes before it goes bad (so ideally it won't). Just a check in, a quick hug and talking about what is going well.

 

I say things like "naughty" and "goes bad," but it would be great if you could not look at behavior that way. It just *is* rather than good or bad.

 

I *really* am trying to learn to parent this way. My kids need it. It sounds like our daughter, with the things going on, may need it too.

 

:iagree: And I will add to ask her to help you as much as possible (putting away dishes, laundry, cooking those healthy dinners, etc)- it gets her spending time w/ you to talk, and when you praise her for being a big helper- she gets special attention, which is what she is craving right now. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Marie131]

I don't have time for a huge long post, but my standard reply to these posts is to look at her diet. My youngest was terrible to live with until I figured out that she's sensitive to artificial colors (and maybe more artificial stuff, but we just took it all out of her diet to be safe). I was at the point where I was looking for recommendations of specialists to get her evaluated, and where I was thinking that she would never be able to live on her own, she was so full of misery and rage.

 

I posted here about her a few times--you could search the board for them. I received lots of fabulous advice. The best thing we did, though, was to fix her diet. Some mamas here have kids sensitive to sulfites, gluten, dairy, colors, etc. IME, colors are the most common, and they're in EVERYTHING--"fruit" snacks, toothpaste, marshmallows (they're WHITE, why do they need colors?!), etc. It might be worth starting there and seeing if it helps.

 

Now she's a normal, cuddly, loving, handful of a 6-year-old who only goes all "brick wall" on me when she's had an accidental exposure (like the yellow potato roll around her burger at a recent fair *sigh*). She'll always be a slightly more difficult kid, but she's nothing like she was at 4 and 5. Nothing.

 

Here are some book to go with this:

 

The Explosive Child

The Out-of-Sync Child

Transforming the Difficult Child

Raising Your Spirited Child

 

All are great books and highly recommended.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: This, this and more this. So very, very true. My oldest has had behavior issues right from the moment he left the womb, it wasn't until this past year (when he was 6.5) that we FINALLY figured it out. We had him tested at an allergist and discovered many allergies. Some we were told not to worry about, but when we removed the problem foods we saw a complete behavior change, when we tried reintroducing them the change was night and day. Our friends and family testify that it is true. He has a few foods that cause him trouble, but I agree w/ the previous poster that color, at least in our experience, is the big one. If my son has an accidental exposure, the effects of color last 3 days and sends him completely out of control.

 

If you are interested in reading about food allergies and behavior I would very much recommend "Is this your Child" by Doris J. Rapp.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Marie131

[SonshineLearner]

My suggestions would be:

Rhythm chart... (Just a chart with a "schedule" not necessarily with times, but with an "order of the day")

Prep for "room time" Depending on how long they are, maybe you can spend 5 minutes with your daughter.... and at some point 5 minutes with niece would be good, too. If they complain, you can say something about "You can talk about that during 'Chat time'."

I sometimes gave sweets to the girls, "You can have this piece of candy if you promise it'll make you feel sweeter".... (and laugh... we all knew this was me giving them a treat to encourage laughter and love, not bribery)

I'd suggest NOT spanking your daughter, even if you usually do... because of course, you're not spanking your niece. (at least I'm assuming this)

I'd see if you can spend a bit of time away with just daughter... and away with daughter and niece.... bonding "fun" time... Pick up books at the library, icecream, McDonalds!! :) Anything special. Maybe even give "tokens" to earn something special. (If both of you can be kind for 1 hr, we'll go get McDonalds, just the 3 of us!)

Whenever possible let them earn rewards rather than punishments.

And wow... hope that you have some "you" time to recharge and get ready to start again. It's hard, I'm sure!! I'm praying for you that it'll get smoother and you'll see bits of rewards for all of your hard work!!! (And be easy on yourself)

[Lifelearnin']

Thanks again for all of your kind words and ideals. My husband and I have already started to implement a reward system. We really are trying to focus on her good behavior. She can be so good, and then one little thing will set her off and she is a completely different kid. It's really tough, but I know it will take a lot of love, time, and patience. I'm learning that I need to take things one tiny step at a time. That's much easier said than done.