Going to a "No Present" birthday party

[PrairieSong]

In our society, we feel obligated to give gifts to people whom we care about. When people invite us to parties, and we care enough about them to go, we *want* to bring something to show them that we care. We are generous like that. :)

 

The other side of polite society is that we do not expect people to bring us gifts, even though we know that they will because they love us. Nevertheless, it is not polite to openly expect to get gifts.

 

When you tell people not to bring gifts, you are doing two things: expecting them to bring them, which we know is not polite; and not giving them the opportunity to show that they care for you.

 

If people ask you what they should bring, you can say, "Oh, gosh, we're just thrilled to death that you're coming." But you cannot politely write on the invitation that they shouldn't bring gifts.

:)

 

I find this odd...I'm not pointing my finger at YOU, Ellie, but just puzzling over why this would be the case in our society. We all KNOW that when you attend a birthday party, people bring gifts. It is sort of a given. But we are supposed to act like we DON'T know this and don't expect it. Can't we just be honest and say, yes, if you have a birthday party, the people you invite will probably each bring a gift, unless you request otherwise. Do we have to pretend we don't know this?

[LillyMama]

The principle remains the same. :)

 

If you're invited to a party given by/for someone you hardly know, you're not required to attend, right? It is not rude to decline an invitation. :)

 

I see what you're saying, but I still just can't get there with you. I know you're not my mother, so we don't have to agree, but I'm practicing on you as I need to have this conversation with my mother-in-law. :D

 

I feel like it's a matter of honoring other cultures. (Yes, I think culture can be an individual thing, not just national or religious) See, in my family, there is alcoholism. For various reasons besides this, my husband and I do not allow alcohol in our home. When we have Super Bowl parties or dinner parties, we have found we have to be pretty explicit with people to not bring alcohol. We don't care if we go out to dinner with people and they have a glass of wine, and we would never not go to a party they were hosting because they have alcohol. But it just doesn't come into our home. This is a break in tradition, as I can tell by how many bottles of wine we've had to turn away over the years. It's why we're now explicit over it ahead of time- so that we don't embarrass people by refusing their gift. And it's a gift that I HAVE to decline for the health and safety of my family, manners be darned.

 

I have cringed at people putting dress codes on wedding invitations, but I've followed them. I don't know the reasons they decided to do something I see as tacky, and I did wonder who they felt they needed to address that to and was slightly offended by the insinuation that I someone thought I might not dress appropriately. But I still followed their wishes. Because to do otherwise is to suggest that I know better for them.

 

I don't know the reasons people ask for no gifts, and neither do you. It may seem trivial and rude to request it, but they have done so for a reason. Who knows, maybe they have a religious belief against gifts. To just assume that whatever their reason is is trivial and rude is offensive.

 

Like others have said, if you HAVE to bring a gift because you care for someone, do it another time. THEIR party is not the time to take a stand for Miss Manners. And, I guess you're right, if you're too offended to follow their request, I guess you can decline the invitation.

[PrairieSong]

Inviting someone to a party is not putting pressure on anyone to buy a gift, and it puzzles me that you would even express it that way.

 

Also, whether the "no gifts" is expressed as a request or not is irrelevant.

 

But as I have said, I'm not your mother, and you aren't obligated in any way to agree with me. :)

 

In our culture, it IS expected that when you are invited to a birthday party, you bring a gift unless you are requested not to do so. If one child shows up without a gift and everyone has brought a gift, that child will most likely feel embarrassed. That's just the way it is. The expectation is there, just unspoken. It is a cultural norm.

[kalanamak]

Inviting someone to a party is not putting pressure on anyone to buy a gift, and it puzzles me that you would even express it that way.

 

There is a cultural pressure. When was the last time you went to a kid's b-day party and some portion of the guests didn't bring a present? I can't recall one in all my decades here in the US. I bet if we polled 1000 mothers of 9 year olds, nearly all would believe that a present was part of showing up at a b-day party. How often has your kid showed up sans present, only to find everyone else, as usual has brought one? How did/would he/she feel about it?

 

It is a cultural assumption, and any time the situation is going differently than the cultural assumption, it *is* polite to let people know.

[CAMom]

The principle remains the same. :)

 

If you're invited to a party given by/for someone you hardly know, you're not required to attend, right? It is not rude to decline an invitation. :)

 

Unfortunately this is not true. Lots of people get offended if you do not accept their invitation. Or, I posted in another thread how we were invited to a joint one year old birthday party for my great niece and my niece's boyfriend's daughter whom I've never met.

[JessReplanted]

I wanted to share my update:

 

The party was yesterday. I did buy cards for the children, but not presents.

 

Overall, the party was great and my kids had a great time.

 

But, other people did bring presents, and there was a "present opening time!" :confused:

 

My kids asked me why we didn't bring gifts, and I just reminded them that we were told not to. It was so awkward though. :blushing:

Although, while the presents were being opened, I heard a couple behind me whispering about how they hadn't brought a gift, and I just turned around and told them that I hadn't brought anything either. So at least I wasn't alone being gift-less. And, I did mention something in a joking manner to the host after the presents were opened. She said that the no-gift idea had come from her husband, and that it was mostly family who had brought gifts.

 

In conclusion, my personal opinion is: Telling people not to bring gifts to a birthday party adds unnecessary complications for the guests. At one point, while I was watching the kids open gifts, I was wondering if I was told not to bring presents because we are a 'limited income family' (read: poor). I felt embarrassed, and I'd hate for my kids to feel that way too.

Also, if you do have a no-gift party, and people bring gifts, you should not open those gifts in front of everybody else.

Edited May 20, 2012 by JessReplanted

[sparrow]

I wanted to share my update:

 

The party was yesterday. I did buy cards for the children, but not presents.

 

Overall, the party was great and my kids had a great time.

 

But, other people did bring presents, and there was a "present opening time!" :confused:

 

My kids asked me why we didn't bring gifts, and I just reminded them that we were told not to. It was so awkward though. :blushing:

Although, while the presents were being opened, I heard a couple behind me whispering about how they hadn't brought a gift, and I just turned around and told them that I hadn't brought anything either. So at least I was alone being gift-less. And, I did mention something in a joking manner to the host after the presents were opened. She said that the no-gift idea had come from her husband, and that it was mostly family who had brought gifts.

 

In conclusion, my personal opinion is: Telling people not to bring gifts to a birthday party adds unnecessary complications for the guests. At one point, while I was watching the kids open gifts, I was wondering if I was told not to bring presents because we are a 'limited income family' (read: poor). I felt embarrassed, and I'd hate for my kids to feel that way too.

Also, if you do have a no-gift party, and people bring gifts, you should not open those gifts in front of everybody else.

 

:glare:

 

Thanks for the update. It sounds very similar to what happened to my friend's daughter. It was an awkward situation and they were embarrassed. I really don't think that's how you want your guests to feel.

 

I'm glad your kids had a great time, though :001_smile:.

[Mimm]

 

In conclusion, my personal opinion is: Telling people not to bring gifts to a birthday party adds unnecessary complications for the guests. At one point, while I was watching the kids open gifts, I was wondering if I was told not to bring presents because we are a 'limited income family' (read: poor). I felt embarrassed, and I'd hate for my kids to feel that way too.

Also, if you do have a no-gift party, and people bring gifts, you should not open those gifts in front of everybody else.

 

:iagree: This is very frustrating to me and I find it extremely rude to have a gift opening time for the people who ignored your wishes to NOT have gifts. This is why I will never show up to a party giftless. In the future I may leave the gift in the car and retrieve it after I evaluate the gift situation. :p

[Sebastian (a lady)]

 

I have cringed at people putting dress codes on wedding invitations, but I've followed them. I don't know the reasons they decided to do something I see as tacky, and I did wonder who they felt they needed to address that to and was slightly offended by the insinuation that I someone thought I might not dress appropriately. But I still followed their wishes. Because to do otherwise is to suggest that I know better for them.

 

 

 

I've seen dress stated on invitations from major military commands, embassies of several countries and big non-profits. I don't think that it implies that you don't know how to dress. I think the implication is that you realize there is a difference between informal, black tie, and white tie or between casual picnic or bbq and garden party, and that you would want to be dressed appropriately to the situation. (However, I'm still irritated by the invite that listed attire as semi-formal or crisp aloha because I think they are several levels removed from each other. Unfortunately, too many people think that informal means casual.)

[lisabees]

I wanted to share my update:

 

The party was yesterday. I did buy cards for the children, but not presents.

 

Overall, the party was great and my kids had a great time.

 

But, other people did bring presents, and there was a "present opening time!" :confused:

 

My kids asked me why we didn't bring gifts, and I just reminded them that we were told not to. It was so awkward though. :blushing:

Although, while the presents were being opened, I heard a couple behind me whispering about how they hadn't brought a gift, and I just turned around and told them that I hadn't brought anything either. So at least I wasn't alone being gift-less. And, I did mention something in a joking manner to the host after the presents were opened. She said that the no-gift idea had come from her husband, and that it was mostly family who had brought gifts.

 

In conclusion, my personal opinion is: Telling people not to bring gifts to a birthday party adds unnecessary complications for the guests. At one point, while I was watching the kids open gifts, I was wondering if I was told not to bring presents because we are a 'limited income family' (read: poor). I felt embarrassed, and I'd hate for my kids to feel that way too.

Also, if you do have a no-gift party, and people bring gifts, you should not open those gifts in front of everybody else.

 

Hmmm. That is just rude to have present opening time if no gifts were requested.

 

I have never had a "no gift" party, but I do require that my kids invite only true friends - I am not of the "entire class" philosophy. We still get "stuff" we don't need, but I know my kids like to give a gift to make someone feel special. It gives them time to really think about what makes their friend unique. Gifts don't have to be plastic or expensive.

 

I think if I was invited to a "no gift" party, I would have my kids make something - card, friendship bracelet, soap, or frame a picture of the friends together.

[Guest yaldahma]

We were invited to our first "don't bring a present" party.

 

I barely know this family, and I feel so awkward showing up at their house empty handed. I asked if I could bring food and she said, 'no'.

 

So, can you bring birthday cards if you were told not to bring a present?

 

It just feels weird to me. :confused:

 

You may also prefer chocolates, it is acceptable.