What does the Hive think of vow renewals?

[nono]

Do whatever you wish! In my case, I don't want to ever give him a chance to reconsider. ;) So I let the sleeping dog lie. :lol:

[Sweetpeach]

No, they didn't expire. :tongue_smilie:

 

The short version of the "why" story is, this year will be our fifth anniversary, and five-year periods have been a big deal somehow ever since we met. We dated for five years, were apart for five years, and now have been married for five years. This five year mark seems significant to me. Not that I want to do this EVERY five years, but being five years in seems significant and important. When we announced our engagement quite a few people said something to the effect of half of marriages not lasting five years. Yeah, congrats!

 

We've also always said we'd have a big party on our fifth anniversary since we didn't really have a wedding. No dress, no cake, no flowers, just a marriage license and $40 for the officiant. And two friends who were going to job interviews immediately after. :lol: I wanted to go to a nice restaurant for lunch, at least, but our friends dropped us off at the motel (yes, motel, I'm talking Super 8 here) and we ordered pizza from Domino's. We didn't even have tea. ;)

 

So, I want to celebrate this significant mark. But a lot of what I'm reading online about vow renewals is people complaining that so-and-so had a "do-over wedding". What is okay? Can I have a dress if it's not a poofy $800 ballgown? Can we have flowers? Dance? What about a wedding party? (Our friends who were there were supposed to be, but obviously they were dressed in business-y clothes and it turned out we didn't actually need witness signatures!) I have a best friend and a sister (and DH has a best friend/cousin and a brother) who were pretty disappointed to not be in our wedding. We also have two DDs and nieces who will take any chance to wear fancy clothes, so I was thinking they could be flower girls, but that's definitely in wedding territory. I'm leaning away from that, but then how could our kids be involved? They're too little to really participate in the vow part or light "family unity" candles like I've read about.

 

I'm afraid of unwittingly doing something tacky. :confused: I'm not talking about a catered event in a decorated grand ballroom, but I'm not sure where to draw the line.

 

Gee, I read only the first pages of replies and couldn't read anymore without saying this:

 

It sounds like you've found your man, and the journey to actually being married (5 years together, 5 years apart) was long and arduous. Then, you finally get married, but it sounds like it wasn't a celebration to remember. I read your post and hear a woman saying: "Hey, I love this man and 15 years of history together means I'm really ready to celebrate. I want some celebration memories."

I personally don't think that is tacky at all. People who love you and get you will want to celebrate with you.

I think every woman deserves some memories around the days she said I do . . . and it sounds like the "first time around" was not appropriately celebrated or acknowledged.

Why not do what you want? You closest and truest friends will understand why you want to renew your vows. Perhaps it's not even renewing as much as celebrating?

 

Warmly, Tricia

[SunD]

Your friends aren't going to think that unless you actually are being greedy, silly or about to be divorced.

 

Rosie

 

You're absolutely right about my friends. But I can't really leave out my dad, my cousins, etc twice. You can't pick your family, and that's why I asked here. I would much rather have the ladies and gentlemen of the Hive tell me their honest thoughts than overhear cousin Billy betting on when the divorce will happen, kwim?

 

DH likes the idea of having a quick rehash during a backyard anniversary party, but TBH, that would feel like we were following up the park-motel-Domino's wedding with a yard-plastic table cover-hot dog one.

[KidsHappen]

Vow renewals make sense to me after a seperation, infidelity or some other major challange to a marriage and then only if the marriage was was well established (10+ years) to begin with and the issue has definitely been resolved. I have also seen people have a vow renewal ceremony at 20 or 25 years if they didn't originally have a big wedding but just a JP ceremony instead. Also, if a same-sex couple had a civil ceremony and then marriage was legalized for them then I could certainly see a vow renewal/wedding. Otherwise, I think a special wedding anniversary celebration would certainly be plenty until say the 50th anniversary at which point you are entitled to celebrate any way you see fit because that is certainly an accomplishment.

 

I agree with others that while every anniversary is worth celebrating, five years really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. We were still just settling into our marriage at five years. My oldest dd has been married 8 years and anther one of them has been dating the same guy (now engaged) for 4+ years. Heck, my hubby and I have been married for 21+ years and it seems like nothing compared to my neighbor's 45+ years.

[Aelwydd]

You're absolutely right about my friends. But I can't really leave out my dad, my cousins, etc twice. You can't pick your family, and that's why I asked here. I would much rather have the ladies and gentlemen of the Hive tell me their honest thoughts than overhear cousin Billy betting on when the divorce will happen, kwim?

 

DH likes the idea of having a quick rehash during a backyard anniversary party, but TBH, that would feel like we were following up the park-motel-Domino's wedding with a yard-plastic table cover-hot dog one.

 

Well, you know your family and we don't. So, you'd be the best judge of whether they'd understand the intent behind the ceremony, or whether they'd attribute lesser motives to it.

 

Personally, I think marriage is not a one-time deal, but an ongoing process that involves growth and change. You choose every day to nurture that relationship, or to let it lie fallow. There's nothing wrong with celebrating that choice, whether it's 5 years, or 50 years later.

 

And, it just might be that your family and friends could appreciate the chance to celebrate that with you, since they didn't have the opportunity before.

 

Best wishes. :)

[SweetMissMagnolia]

yeah it's whatever you want to do--I toyed with the idea of doing it for our 10th last year but it never worked out and dh was like WHAt? :001_huh: I love the idea....

[Parrothead]

Dh and I have done it twice now in 13 years. The first time at 11 years and the second this past Friday. Friday was a surprise and neither dh nor I expected to do it. :D

 

I'll tell you what we did and why. You can see if it might be something you are interested in.

 

The first time we renewed our vows on our anniversary. Dh joined the church (Catholic) and we had the marriage convalidation ceremony. It was very nice, just the two of us, Father, and 3 witnesses. Afterward we went to lunch.

 

Friday we went to a "celebration of marriage" dinner at the church. After all the recognitions (one couple in our parish has been married 65 years!) Father pops up and asks all the married couples to stand and renew their vows. (Yes, it was full of people saying "I, state your name...")

 

Now, I understand wanting to renew your vows and even get why you want to do it at 5 years. But maybe a more private ceremony at your church may be what you should consider. Then afterward a large party to celebrate your 5 years. You could have dh do a little heart-felt speech after welcoming your guests announcing that your guys renewed your vows during a lovely ceremony.

 

The advantages are that no one will think you are gift grabbing. No one will think you are being tactless in other ways. You get to do what you feel you need to do. You get the celebration with friends and family. You get to have flowers (maybe a rose bud to hold during the ceremony and a few at the party). You get to buy a new dress (you can wear it to the ceremony then the party).

[Tammyla]

Do what makes you happy:001_smile:.

 

My sister has been married to four different men and renewed her vows many times...She pretty much has a new wedding each time; she's been married to her dh 10 years and is currently planning another full church ceremony, reception etc for this summer. (This will be at least, their 3rd or 4th renewal.) :confused:

 

My mom and Dad renewed their vows on their 25th and plan to again for thier 50th next year.:001_smile:

 

No, they didn't expire. :tongue_smilie:

 

The short version of the "why" story is, this year will be our fifth anniversary, and five-year periods have been a big deal somehow ever since we met. We dated for five years, were apart for five years, and now have been married for five years. This five year mark seems significant to me. Not that I want to do this EVERY five years, but being five years in seems significant and important. When we announced our engagement quite a few people said something to the effect of half of marriages not lasting five years. Yeah, congrats!

 

We've also always said we'd have a big party on our fifth anniversary since we didn't really have a wedding. No dress, no cake, no flowers, just a marriage license and $40 for the officiant. And two friends who were going to job interviews immediately after. :lol: I wanted to go to a nice restaurant for lunch, at least, but our friends dropped us off at the motel (yes, motel, I'm talking Super 8 here) and we ordered pizza from Domino's. We didn't even have tea. ;)

 

So, I want to celebrate this significant mark. But a lot of what I'm reading online about vow renewals is people complaining that so-and-so had a "do-over wedding". What is okay? Can I have a dress if it's not a poofy $800 ballgown? Can we have flowers? Dance? What about a wedding party? (Our friends who were there were supposed to be, but obviously they were dressed in business-y clothes and it turned out we didn't actually need witness signatures!) I have a best friend and a sister (and DH has a best friend/cousin and a brother) who were pretty disappointed to not be in our wedding. We also have two DDs and nieces who will take any chance to wear fancy clothes, so I was thinking they could be flower girls, but that's definitely in wedding territory. I'm leaning away from that, but then how could our kids be involved? They're too little to really participate in the vow part or light "family unity" candles like I've read about.

 

I'm afraid of unwittingly doing something tacky. :confused: I'm not talking about a catered event in a decorated grand ballroom, but I'm not sure where to draw the line.

[coralloyd]

Despite what everyone else is saying. I love vow renewals! My dh an I had one at the 5 yr. mark. I got a pretty dress (that my mom was able to be there for. The first time she wasn't), we decorated the backyard, wrote our own vows. There was no minister, just us and our vows, under some flowers. It was very casual. We only had those who we were very close to; and knew our marriage wasn't in trouble. We did it because it was great to celebrate how our love had grown, and to let our children see our commitment. We did it because we are hopeless romantics. We plan to do it again because we are still madly in love and like to celebrate it. We are on year 12 of our marriage, and still going strong. So do what you want. It is for the two of you, and those who really care about you. A good marriage is always a reason to celebrate!

[SailorMom]

I'm with the "do what makes you happy" crowd.

For myself, I've never felt the need (married 19 years).

I would say that a 5 year anniversary party would be more along the line of what I would do (had we done something like that)....

 

As an fyi - I agree with the "jinx" problem mentioned before.... Everyone I know personally (not here on the boards) that has had a vow renewal ended up separated or divorced. However, they could have been wanting a vow renewal thinking it would improve an already hurting marriage - so very different than what you are looking for.

[FaithManor]

You're absolutely right about my friends. But I can't really leave out my dad, my cousins, etc twice. You can't pick your family, and that's why I asked here. I would much rather have the ladies and gentlemen of the Hive tell me their honest thoughts than overhear cousin Billy betting on when the divorce will happen, kwim?

 

DH likes the idea of having a quick rehash during a backyard anniversary party, but TBH, that would feel like we were following up the park-motel-Domino's wedding with a yard-plastic table cover-hot dog one.

 

 

Well, I think what might work well for you, would be a destination "wedding"...just take your closest friends who will understand and have a second honeymoon. While there, have a wedding ceremony with a lovely dress, flowers, suit for your husband, dressy clothes for your friends, candles, etc. take some wonderful pictures you can share.

 

This way instead of the cheap motel, you've created a memorable trip, and you've gotten a chance to have an intimate, but very special planned ceremony but without the hassle of wondering what a lot of other people will think about it, or worrying about offending family, or possibly overhearing rude comments from guests who may have felt they had to come but think it's cheesy.

 

Probably for the same costs of having a wedding ceremony and reception party that you would really enjoy, you could pay for something nice a ways away...maybe a beautiful beach or an historic venue, with your closest friends.

 

I don't know where you live or how far you would be willing to travel or when your anniversary is...but, just to throw this out there to give you an idea - Mission Point Resort and Bayview Bed and Breakfast on Mackinac Island, (Lake Huron) Michigan is absolutely exquisite in the late spring, all of summer, and early autumn. Right now the garden room at Mission Point is $134.00 a night, has a view of the harbor, etc. Gorgeous, gorgeous venue and so is Bayview. To be honest, either of the places is actually nicer and definitely more comfortable as well as more helpful in organizing events than the Grand Hotel. The island florists are amazing, cars are not allowed on the island so everyone takes horse draw carriage taxi, bikes, or walks and from the porch of either of these resorts, you could have an amazing view as a backdrop to your ceremony. There are number of pastors from a variety of faiths as well as magistrates to officiate.

 

The only caveat is that you can't have the garden room at Mission Point on May 19th, 20th and 21st! My brother, sister, and I are sending our parents there for their 50th wedding anniversary so it's booked! :001_smile:

 

Anyway, Myrtle Beach, St. Augustine (Florida), Mount Vernon, Astoria (Oregon),...I can think of a number of places stateside that you could visit for a reasonable price. It might be a nice compromise. You don't have to consider the back-yard barbecue scenario, but you also don't have to deal with the trappings of a big ceremony/reception and all of the opinions that go with it. You never had a real honeymoon so I think most people would think it was lovely for you take one now and then you can avoid having too many people around for the ceremony that may have negative opinions of it.

 

Faith