s/o bully thread - how do you teach kids to deal with bullying

[Meriwether]

Our kids haven't dealt with bullies much. They have a lot of social interactions, but not many cases of bullying. Ds7 is playing basketball this year. It is a 1st/2nd grade team and Ds, who has a late summer birthday, is the youngest and smallest on the team. In this town, I think many of the kids start school later so he may be a lot younger than the other kids. He is also a homeschooler and doesn't know many of the kids. Several of the kids gave him a hard time at practice last night. One girl made fun of him and said he was a little girl. Ds says he snarled at her when she said it (which I can picture perfectly). Dh was there and told Ds to ignore her. Which is fine. But is there something Ds could do that is more proactive? I don't want him being mean or agressive, but I want him to learn to stick up for himself. In some way besides snarling.

 

ETA: It is a 1st/2nd grade team, and Ds7 is in second grade. I'm not sure why he is the youngest/smallest but there is a girl on his team that is my Dd8's age. Ds7 is skinny but of average height for his age. Something about the ages/sports in this town are different. My kids always seem to be young for the teams.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Meriwether
I had the

[Roadrunner]

It's a tough one. I always tell my kids to stand up for themselves.

We also have a book called "Simon's Hook" that teaches kids different methods of dealing with teasing. I am now in the habit of reading it once every 4-5 months.

http://www.amazon.com/Simons-Story-About-Teases-Put-downs/dp/0966853016

This is the link. Hopefully your library has it.

One of the ways according to this book she could have handled it is to say: "Yes, I am little," smile and walk away. Ignore is another method.

[lailasmum]

I really hated hearing people telling me to ignore it. Kind of makes you so powerless. Could he go find an adult straight away and repeat what has been said to him? Someone who will pull these little girls up on their comments.

[Pamela H in Texas]

There are some REALLY snotty little girls in my little girl's class. I found out that one is a teacher's daughter. She also lives right across the street but we haven't had dealings with her outside of school.

 

Anyway, this morning, my little girl (can I say daughter? LOL) said, in a very snotty voice, about how a little boy used to be able to tie his shoes but now is having a hard time. I could just hear how this had been said to this little guy :( I immediately corrected my little girl's tone and told her why. I had actually heard the one little girl make a comment similar to my daughter at the school the other day. So the two situations gave me a chance to coach her some.

 

I told her that tone is unacceptable and ugly (period!). I also told her that she could tell Lemon-girl that that isn't very nice when she says it to Sweet-boy. I told her she can say, "I don't wish to speak to you if you are going to be ugly" and then turn away if she can.

 

Her OWN ideas during this discussion were that she could 1) walk away from Lemon-girl (or the other little girl who is extra snotty) AND 2) she could offer to help Sweet-boy (which is cute as she's still having a little trouble herself which is what Lemon-girl was snotty about the other day).

 

Anyway, I figure if they can learn to stand up for people and themselves over little things and general snottiness, it'll be easier to do when it is the big stuff (btw, being a different religion than 99+% of the school already gives her plenty of opportunity to practice some big stuff).

 

Does that help at all?

 

BTW, my first time when she asked when a big kid was giving her trouble in the cafeteria was to tell her to tell so-n-so to go fly a kite. I admitted my mistake to the teacher and told her I'd make sure that Victoria didn't think she should REALLY say that! The teacher laughed. :)

[Desert Rat]

We teach no response, no dirty looks; turn around and walk away (or back away if turning around is unsafe).

Unfortunately, my oldest has been bullied by adults. We've had to teach him how to deal with this differently. In one case he was picked up by his upper arms and violently shaken by another child's dad (He was 8 at that time). This was at a good friend's child's birthday party. I was unaware the man had gone into the playroom. I'm devastated that I didn't protect my child, but have moved past it. Anyway, in this instance, we have taught him to use every single move he learned in TKD. Every.single.one. He is worried that he will get in trouble for hitting an adult. I constantly tell him that the adult will have some explaining to do, to us and to the police, if you defend yourself and cause injury. Let us worry about it.

He still has nightmares even though it's been 3 years. We have this talk often.

Bottom line: Walk away as the first option. If that fails, do anything you need to do to make yourself safe or get to a safe place. I'll deal with any fallout that should arise.

My ds is nonviolent (except normal brother rough housing). I haven't had an issue with him hitting another person after the toddler stage. I have confidence in him not to resort to aggressive means without just cause.

[Starr]

First line of defense is to joke back and act like it doesn't bother you. Then you'll find out if they plan to keep it up or drop it. I haven't most adults willing to deal with this sort of thing.

[Meriwether]

First line of defense is to joke back and act like it doesn't bother you. Then you'll find out if they plan to keep it up or drop it. I haven't most adults willing to deal with this sort of thing.

 

Ds is very literal. I don't think he is socially savvy enough to make a joke and laugh it off. I would like Ds to develop coping skills that don't involve adults, because I know adults often do look the other way. I have interceded when I've seen kids being bullied, but I know many adults don't.

[Meriwether]

We teach no response, no dirty looks; turn around and walk away (or back away if turning around is unsafe).

Unfortunately, my oldest has been bullied by adults. We've had to teach him how to deal with this differently. In one case he was picked up by his upper arms and violently shaken by another child's dad (He was 8 at that time). This was at a good friend's child's birthday party. I was unaware the man had gone into the playroom. I'm devastated that I didn't protect my child, but have moved past it. Anyway, in this instance, we have taught him to use every single move he learned in TKD. Every.single.one. He is worried that he will get in trouble for hitting an adult. I constantly tell him that the adult will have some explaining to do, to us and to the police, if you defend yourself and cause injury. Let us worry about it.

He still has nightmares even though it's been 3 years. We have this talk often.:grouphug:

Bottom line: Walk away as the first option. If that fails, do anything you need to do to make yourself safe or get to a safe place. I'll deal with any fallout that should arise.

My ds is nonviolent (except normal brother rough housing). I haven't had an issue with him hitting another person after the toddler stage. I have confidence in him not to resort to aggressive means without just cause.

 

Have you found walking away to be effective? And what would you tell them to do if they were in a practice situation and couldn't walk away?

[Meriwether]

 

I told her she can say, "I don't wish to speak to you if you are going to be ugly" and then turn away if she can. The only advice I could come up with besides ignoring the behavior was to say in a firm voice, "Do not call me names," and turn away. I didn't tell Ds to this, though, because I wouldn't want to exacerbate the situation.

 

Anyway, I figure if they can learn to stand up for people and themselves over little things and general snottiness, it'll be easier to do when it is the big stuff (btw, being a different religion than 99+% of the school already gives her plenty of opportunity to practice some big stuff). I'm sorry your daughter, and so many other kids, have to deal with this. I also want Ds to learn to deal with the little things like the comments the girl made. My other kids don't seem to attract mean comments like Ds7 does.

 

Does that help at all? Well, yes, but you said turn away if she can, and I'd really like to know what you would advise her to do if she can't.

 

BTW, my first time when she asked when a big kid was giving her trouble in the cafeteria was to tell her to tell so-n-so to go fly a kite. I admitted my mistake to the teacher and told her I'd make sure that Victoria didn't think she should REALLY say that! The teacher laughed. :)

.

[Meriwether]

It's a tough one. I always tell my kids to stand up for themselves.

We also have a book called "Simon's Hook" that teaches kids different methods of dealing with teasing. I am now in the habit of reading it once every 4-5 months.

http://www.amazon.com/Simons-Story-About-Teases-Put-downs/dp/0966853016

This is the link. Hopefully your library has it.

One of the ways according to this book she could have handled it is to say: "Yes, I am little," smile and walk away. Ignore is another method.

 

Thank you. I'll see if I can find it.

 

I really hated hearing people telling me to ignore it. Kind of makes you so powerless. Could he go find an adult straight away and repeat what has been said to him? Someone who will pull these little girls up on their comments.

 

Dh was there. The coach was nearby. I worry about tattling, though, because that often doesn't work out well.

[TXMary2]

First of all I give my kids permission to defend themselves. If they are assaulted they are allowed to fight back. If it is just words, I instruct them to walk away and not respond. The rule is, if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything. If a person followed them around after my child walked away, that is harassment and at that point they are allowed to be a "tattle tale" and I have no problem stepping in and involving the offenders parents.

 

I have had to step in on a couple of occasions at homeschool park day, because we used to have a mother that brought her children, and she was oblivious to how obnoxious her kids were. She doesn't come anymore.:D