what would you do/say/think? re; woman in office & dh (not bashing)

[PariSarah]

She made her move, and he responded. He was totally blind. They work their way in and the men are totally caught off guard. It's sort of like what child predators do with 'grooming'.

 

I appreciate your willingness to be open about this. If this is not too personal a question, and if it isn't too difficult for you to write about, I would appreciate hearing what you think.

 

Do you think your dh knew, in some deep part, that things were headed this way, but thought, perhaps, that he could handle it? Or do you think he was well and truly blindsided by her "move"?

 

I guess I've always assumed that, in general, it's a matter of tiny little bad choices that lead to the one bad choice--but that the fact that it's leading to the big bad choice is obvious from the second or third little bad choice, KWIM? "I won't even walk down the candy aisle, because I know I can't have chocolate. Oh, I'll just walk down the aisle, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have chocolate--Christmas cards are on that aisle, too. Well, putting the bar in my cart doesn't mean I'm actually going to buy it, you know." And so on. When this happened to friends of ours, he knew all along that he was in danger--hell, he talked to his PARENTS about it--but he couldn't/wouldn't take the little, everyday steps to deal with it.

 

I don't know. I've never really believed that a man could not notice that someone was gunning for him. But maybe some men really are that oblivious.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I'm digging too deep. But I appreciate what you've already shared, and am grateful that you were willing to.

[2cents]

Oh boy! We need a 'red flag' smilie because I want to be waving it right now. Your instincts are IMO right on track. DH is acting like a schoolboy and enjoying this woman's crush-like behavior. DH needs to start acting professionally and put limits on this funny business. Whether he thinks it or not, the other office workers are seeing what is going on and DH may very quickly find himself the object of office gossip and ridicule. DH has the power to correct this and he is the one with the most obligation to do so.

He needs some tough talk and a good dose of reality. :smash:

[Nestof3]

This woman is out of line and your husband should have nipped it in the bud at the first sign.

 

If he were firm with her as he should be she would not be continuing this behavior.

 

She knows she's acting inappropriately, but since he doesn't seem to mind, she will continue.

[Adrianne]

#1) she, being in her 20s & a gamer, invited dh to come over her house alone during lunch hour to hang #2) she jokeingly told dh her birthday was "next week" then over the next few days would text him something like "X more days" with a smilie-- at 7:30 IN THE MORNING.. #3) she told him he makes the office days "not so boring" #4) she asked him "whatcha gonna get me for my birthday?" #4) they have a rivalness with football teams and she puts her teams logos all over his cubical/lunch sack/emails #5) she and another girl in the office were trying to figure out dh's new phone for him (MP3) and she changed his wallpaper picture from a picture of him and I to her football team #6) he moved his cubical next to hers, for a few different reasons & now they play tape ball back & forth when hes in the office.

 

 

These all sound like red flags esp #5 taking your pic off his computer. I would definitely be upset. Have you talked with him about how it makes you feel? At least I would feel disrespected that he is entertaining this type of behavior. That would probably be my approach. I am sorry you have to go through this. :grouphug:

[clwcain]

N.B., I have not read all the comments. If this has been mentioned, I apologize for rehashing an established point.

 

I just wanted to throw my reaction in: red flags, but not for the reasons you raised.

 

There are a lot of possibilities, but the one that first comes to my mind is: sexual harassment. Your husband need do nothing for her to make the accusation, and the drumhead trial that will ensue will make a mockery of the concept of civil liberties.

 

Most women in the workforce today know enough of the "rules of engagement" to avoid such behavior, especially if they are interested in their coworker (male of female).

 

That this one does not indicates nearly unbelievable naivete or wicked cunning. Your closer to the situation, but I know where my gut leads me based on what you've stated in your initial post.

 

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

[Danestress]

Just figure out her email and email her a link to this thread? Then we could get her views on the whole thing, she can read what everyone here had to say, and .... maybe it would just clear the air:)

[clwcain]

I have not read all the posts so forgive me if this has been said one time too many but.....red flags all over the place!!!! And, to be completely honest, your husband is part of the problem. He should NOT, I mean, NOT be encouraging this behavior and regardless of what he is telling you...he is loving every minute of it otherwise he would have put her in her place, and put a stop to it long ago.

 

:iagree:

After a certain point in our lives, regardless of any flaws in our wives (or lack thereof), we all crave the ego boost provided by the attention of a "cute, young thing."

 

Some of us "man up", shoulder our commitments, and do what is right.

 

Others, well...have you seen The Incredibles? Even without physical infidelity, that's the best illustration I've ever seen of the psychology of an affair from both a male and female POV. Mr. I wants to feel young and heroic again because he's become a paper-pushing schmuck. He's given the opportunity to do so. Many men find that offer more than tempting. I suspect many here could give ample testimony to the results.

[Brigitte]

I would be pretty upset. He may not mean anything, but he's sending the wrong signals to her. I think she's pretty clear in the signals she's sending to him, and they are NOT appropriate. He needs to put a stop to this.

 

:iagree:

[Call Me Cordelia]

I totally would not like it; however you might remind him that HE could be a problem for HER whether or not she is for him.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"

 

I can't believe you just said that! I can't believe anyone remembers that! I literally LOL!!

[Karen sn]

He may not be interested but she is all over him like a bad perm. He needs to make this stop. Absolutely never never never be lone with her (for his own protection - a woman scorned and all...) and you need to show up at that office and make yourself known. Your pic needs to be in his cubie, along with the kids, show up to go out to lunch with him, whatever, but this is your territory and she is crossing lines.

 

All over him like a bad perm....I agree. And I love that line and can't wait to use it!

Some womyn find a thrill in stealing another's man.

Happens all the time. Then they dump him like a rotten smelly bag of potatoes.

 

Whenever some dumb guy has crossed the line with me I always say, "I wonder what my boyfriend would think about think."

 

Orrrrrr......I wonder what your wife would think of that?!

 

Obviously this woman is crossing a line and I'd have to run into her myself and tell her not to change my man's phone from a picture of us to her fbteam because I don't play that!

 

Had a "friend" sleep with my husband years ago - now divorced.

Don't hesitate to pee on your territory! She is!

[Diane~KJ]

yikes, so many red flags and for different reasons. He may be slightly innocent/or not as to what's going on, but he and you could still get hurt.

 

On a personal note, my husband's boss "A" was brought up on sexual harrassment by a woman co-worker he considered a friend, my hubby thought of her that way as well. They often had lunches/dinners together in large groups. Oddly she was the one that was very inappropriate most of the time, bringing sexual humor into conversations etc.. One night they all ended up at a bar after dinner (out of town trip) everyone trickled off to bed, except for "A" and the woman. They were drunk and probably flirty, but nothing physical happened. Something must have been said that ticked her off though, maybe he propositioned her, not 100% positive. But she filed charges the next week. He was found not to be at fault by the company, she recanted, but it ruined him. She told everyone about the charges, even though she was later reprimanded about it, the damage was already done. He had to leave the company.

 

He was no angel in this to be sure. But companies by law have to act immediately when someone whispers sexual harrassment, no matter what. We live in a court of opinions, you can't recover from that type of stuff. On a good note, I think this whole thing scared my hubby half to death to see how quickly it ruined his boss. While there was probably something to the harrasment claim, there doesn't always have to be, anyone can claim it, they still have to investigate and take some sort of action to cover their arse.

 

Everyone's already given you some good advise and I hope you can talk to your hubby and get him to realize what bad could come of this. Maybe you should just send him this whole thread.

 

Good luck,

[*anj*]

"Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"

 

I can't believe you just said that! I can't believe anyone remembers that! I literally LOL!!

 

Oh I laughed out loud too. And now let's all flail our arms about!!!!

 

That is just way too funny! I should've repped him for that one!

[Scarlett]

Oh I laughed out loud too. And now let's all flail our arms about!!!!

 

That is just way too funny! I should've repped him for that one!

 

Ok, I give. What movie is that quote from? I can hear it plain as day....but I'm going crazy trying to figure it out.

[Scarlett]

Ummm.....just googled it and it is from Lost in Space...tv series? I've no clue. I don't remember ever watching that show. So I must just be indoctrinated from 'clips' of it.

[*anj*]

Ummm.....just googled it and it is from Lost in Space...tv series? I've no clue. I don't remember ever watching that show. So I must just be indoctrinated from 'clips' of it.

 

Yup, it was a tv show. I don't even know how old I was when I watched it. Had to be pretty young.

 

 

(Sorry for the hijack!:))

[cin]

I appreciate your willingness to be open about this. If this is not too personal a question, and if it isn't too difficult for you to write about, I would appreciate hearing what you think.

 

Do you think your dh knew, in some deep part, that things were headed this way, but thought, perhaps, that he could handle it? Or do you think he was well and truly blindsided by her "move"?

 

I guess I've always assumed that, in general, it's a matter of tiny little bad choices that lead to the one bad choice--but that the fact that it's leading to the big bad choice is obvious from the second or third little bad choice, KWIM? "I won't even walk down the candy aisle, because I know I can't have chocolate. Oh, I'll just walk down the aisle, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have chocolate--Christmas cards are on that aisle, too. Well, putting the bar in my cart doesn't mean I'm actually going to buy it, you know." And so on. When this happened to friends of ours, he knew all along that he was in danger--hell, he talked to his PARENTS about it--but he couldn't/wouldn't take the little, everyday steps to deal with it.

 

I don't know. I've never really believed that a man could not notice that someone was gunning for him. But maybe some men really are that oblivious.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I'm digging too deep. But I appreciate what you've already shared, and am grateful that you were willing to.

 

 

I don't mind. For us, it's water under the bridge, and our marriage is a lot stronger now.

 

At one point in their relationship, I told DH that she had the hots for him and he needed to be careful. He honestly didn't believe me. And I have to say, if you had seen DH as a teenager, you might understand. He has matured VERY nicely, but still cannot believe that any girl/woman would find him attractive (even now!) So, up until maybe a week before their actual act, he did not know where the path was headed. In addition, in High School he was a tutor for several cute girls (cheerleaders, etc) in math, and developed friendships that never went any further. He was nice, but a real geek. So, I do believe that he was totally naive until close to that point.

 

I beleive that some men can be blindsided because they just don't think like women. I listen to DH talk about what he and his male co-workers are doing, and if a woman does the same stuff, it would be TOTALLY different.

Even with OP, if a guy said let's go to my place at lunch and do some gaming. It wouldn't be a big deal. If a MALE co-worker changed DH's screensaver it wouldn't matter. So when a woman does this, I think some guys tend to not pick up on it right away, unless they are looking for something. Even if they aren't looking for something, flattery can get the skanks a LONG way.

 

I will also say, I DID know X, our kids are close to the same age, and we were talking playdates. [ So I was in the picture, but for her, it didn't matter. Oh yeah, she was also unhappily married, and she lives in our neighborhood, so we still run into each other occasionally. :leaving:

 

And I just have to add, this whole thing went down while I was down and out with foot surgery. I was OFF my foot, literally, No weight on it for 8 wks. Kick 'em when they're down!

[LisaNY]

"Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"

 

I can't believe you just said that! I can't believe anyone remembers that! I literally LOL!!

 

Oh, yeah! I remember it! My younger brother worked for my dh in construction years ago, and he used to take the shop vac hose and say that all the time! :lol: