WWYD? FB Issue

[Tangerine]

I am so confused. Everyone is responding as if this is a woman who had a miscarriage or is struggling with infertility, but I saw nothing of the sort in the OP. She is divorced without kids, so she doesn't like hearing about Imp's happy family. I understand this is still sad, but it's a bit of a different situation. Or did I miss something?

 

:iagree:

 

Everyone has a struggle. Those without mothers hurt when others talk about theirs. Those without children hurt when others talk about theirs. Those with children with developmental disabilities hurt when others talk about the achievements of their children. Those with physical illnesses or disabilities may hurt when others recount tales of things they've done that they could never do. You can't tell people not to talk about those things because you haven't experienced that particular kind of joy.

[cin]

As far as I know, infertility isn't the issue. Her ex had a vasectomy before they were married.

 

So, while it's not physically infertility, the emotional pain is very similar. I still think that she divulged a deep pain and that should be respected. Yes, out of line to ask, but she probably wouldn't have asked if it didn't hurt so bad.

 

jmho

[shinyhappypeople]

I have to say that I am surprised by the lack of sensitivity I'm seeing here. I agree that she was out of line, but the 'tough noogies' attitude some of you have displayed really is disheartening.

 

I have been there. I was pregnant, along with my 4 best friends. We were due in Jan, Feb, March & April. I miscarried. And I'm glad that none of them had that attitude with me. They were sensitive towards me. Over time, I withdrew because, as it turns out, I was never to be pregnant again. Imp, the pain your friend is feeling must be extremely deep for her to ask you to not post about your pregnancy. And she must really appreciate your friendship, because she did not just unfriend you.

 

That being said, yes, it was an inappropriate request, but one made, probably because of a deeply broken heart, and as such, should be handled with care. She trusted Imp with a deep hurt, and for imp to respond like some have suggested would be a slap in the face. I think, imp, that you should explain to her that you appreciate how terribly painful it is for her to read about other people's pregnancies and happy families. (understand, it's not about YOU, specifically. it's about her heartache and not having a happy family, and being able to have more kids. And when you are in a specific situation, EVERYBODY around you seems to be having babies and living the happy happy joy joy life). Kindly explain that you have a lot of family from out of town, and this is the only way you can keep them ALL informed about your status. Let her know that if she wants to unfriend you for a period of time, that's fine, you understand completely. Also, explain to her that you have no hard feelings if she chooses to do that, or to block your posts. And tell her that you will try to make it that certain posts do not show up on her page, but that you're not sure how, and might not be able to get it to work.

 

:iagree: BTDT :(

 

Although, yeah, I think her note was kind of overboard, sometimes emotional pain can make us irrational and hypersensitive.

 

I think the lack of compassion and "tough luck, suck it up" attitude shown in this thread (not by you, Imp) is even more selfish, when the solution is so simple: change your privacy settings so she can't see your posts. To the left of the POST button is the word custom with a little gear icon. Click on that and you can set it so she can't see your posts.

 

Imp, PLEASE be the bigger person. Yes, her request was pushy. But, she's HURTING. Please don't kick her while she's down.

[Rosy]

I have to say that I am surprised by the lack of sensitivity I'm seeing here. I agree that she was out of line, but the 'tough noogies' attitude some of you have displayed really is disheartening.

 

I have been there. I was pregnant, along with my 4 best friends. We were due in Jan, Feb, March & April. I miscarried. And I'm glad that none of them had that attitude with me. They were sensitive towards me. Over time, I withdrew because, as it turns out, I was never to be pregnant again. Imp, the pain your friend is feeling must be extremely deep for her to ask you to not post about your pregnancy. And she must really appreciate your friendship, because she did not just unfriend you.

 

That being said, yes, it was an inappropriate request, but one made, probably because of a deeply broken heart, and as such, should be handled with care. She trusted Imp with a deep hurt, and for imp to respond like some have suggested would be a slap in the face. I think, imp, that you should explain to her that you appreciate how terribly painful it is for her to read about other people's pregnancies and happy families. (understand, it's not about YOU, specifically. it's about her heartache and not having a happy family, and being able to have more kids. And when you are in a specific situation, EVERYBODY around you seems to be having babies and living the happy happy joy joy life). Kindly explain that you have a lot of family from out of town, and this is the only way you can keep them ALL informed about your status. Let her know that if she wants to unfriend you for a period of time, that's fine, you understand completely. Also, explain to her that you have no hard feelings if she chooses to do that, or to block your posts. And tell her that you will try to make it that certain posts do not show up on her page, but that you're not sure how, and might not be able to get it to work.

 

:iagree: BTDT :(

 

Although, yeah, I think her note was kind of overboard, sometimes emotional pain can make us irrational and hypersensitive.

 

I think the lack of compassion and "tough luck, suck it up" attitude shown in this thread (not by you, Imp) is even more selfish, when the solution is so simple: change your privacy settings so she can't see your posts. To the left of the POST button is the word custom with a little gear icon. Click on that and you can set it so she can't see your posts.

 

Imp, PLEASE be the bigger person. Yes, her request was pushy. But, she's HURTING. Please don't kick her while she's down.

 

Wow. Are we reading the same thread? The vast majority of people here have said to tell her, "I'm sorry to have caused you pain. I am unable to accommodate your request, but will completely understand if you need to block me." That is an insensitive response?

 

If someone in that situation wanted to change their privacy settings to avoid hurting someone else's feelings I wouldn't fault them, but I know that I would not be able to take that approach--I wouldn't be able to guarantee that I would never forget to disinclude her from a post, and I don't think updating on the phone allows that option anyway.

[Truscifi]

I think you need to gently tell her that your facebook page is for updating your long distance family and friends of what is going on in your life. I would think (but not say out loud) that she can block you if it is too painful for her.

 

I also agree you should tell her you're sorry she feels that way but your FB usage is specifically for talking about your life, and your DH and children are part of your life. She can block your messages if it's too painful for her to read. But honestly, I wouldn't be too worried about hurting her feelings. I would sympathize for her but her request is simply inappropriate.

 

You could unfriend her, but she would know because she wouldn't see your status updates anymore. Simply tell her the truth and let her make the choice of how to handle it. Now, if she comes back at your with guns blazing because you won't do what she says, then unfriend her. At that point, she is not only inappropriate, she is looney.

 

:iagree: and you're not being insensitive.

[Parker Martin]

That's nutty. But rather than try to de-nutty an acquaintance, I would just set my FB so that she never sees my status updates. Problem solved.

 

Update status window > Friends > Custom > Enter her name in Hide This From

 

I think whatever you change it to becomes the default.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Update away...I know your heart may be worried about your friend, but she can easily not look if it's upsetting.

 

I feel for her, but expecting you not to celebrate the joys in your life is just not loving.

 

 

Let me see if I can explain this situation...

 

I'm not one for updating my status on FB regularily...Sometimes its a week or more, sometimes I might post twice in a day. Hit or miss kinda thing.

 

Chances are, though, that its related to my family, be it kids, Wolf, or pregnancy.

 

I have a friend that's gotten in touch in the last six months or so. She's divorced, no kids.

 

She sent me an email asking that I not post about my pregnancy, or so much about my family b/c its painful for her...that reading about my coming baby is 'like a slap in the face' when she signs on FB.

 

I'm honestly not sure how to react to this. On one hand, I certainly would never intentionally hurt anyone.

 

On the other, I feel like telling someone not to post about major events in their lives, and to not post about the biggest part of their life (family for me) is way controlling.

 

Plus, Wolf's sister, long distance family and friends find FB probably the easiest way to keep up to date, so it would be depriving them of what's going on in our lives.

 

So, WWYD?

[cin]

Wow. Are we reading the same thread? The vast majority of people here have said to tell her, "I'm sorry to have caused you pain. I am unable to accommodate your request, but will completely understand if you need to block me." That is an insensitive response?

 

I'm going to do direct quotes, but there have been several posts that have implied that the chick is crazy and imp should just unfriend her, and that she have NO RIGHT whatsoever to ask imp to not post about her pregnancy. And whilethe second part is true, I was surprised that people didn't look past that to the pain that is causing her to ask.

[DaffodilDreams]

I'm one of the insensitive posters being described here, but I stand by my reaction. My reaction doesn't stem from a cold heart, though. Rather, I don't think personal pain gives anyone the right to diminish another's joy. Dd and I don't share a birth experience. I didn't get to parent her for her first several months. I do feel pain when people talk about the special times with their little ones that I will never know, BUT I would never in a million years dream of asking someone to stop sharing those memories. That would be unfair, selfish, and rude of me to do and to expect of anyone.

 

Imp's newly reconnected friend cannot really think she can protect herself from happy family posts or happy family encounters in real life etc, right? That would mean - since she is unwilling to take control of her own Facebook - sending such messages to any happy family on her friend list, asking complete strangers out and about to please stop parading their loving, happy relationships and adorable munchkins in front of her at the store, movies, etc. Not only is it rude (and tacky beyond belief), but it's manipulative, demanding, and self-centered. Sadness and pain do not excuse bad manners.

 

Besides, if this person really cared about Imp as a friend she wouldn't want to squelch Imp's joy. This has been a long, hard road for Imp and Wolf. A true, mature, unselfish friend would know this and be happy for them despite personal loss and pain. So, yes, IMO someone who can't do this and makes such a provocative request does not meet MY qualifications for the friend list. Only Imp can decide if this particular relationship is worth keeping.

Edited October 29, 2011 by kimmie38017

[momsquared]

Let me see if I can explain this situation...

 

I'm not one for updating my status on FB regularily...Sometimes its a week or more, sometimes I might post twice in a day. Hit or miss kinda thing.

 

Chances are, though, that its related to my family, be it kids, Wolf, or pregnancy.

 

I have a friend that's gotten in touch in the last six months or so. She's divorced, no kids.

 

She sent me an email asking that I not post about my pregnancy, or so much about my family b/c its painful for her...that reading about my coming baby is 'like a slap in the face' when she signs on FB.

 

I'm honestly not sure how to react to this. On one hand, I certainly would never intentionally hurt anyone.

 

On the other, I feel like telling someone not to post about major events in their lives, and to not post about the biggest part of their life (family for me) is way controlling.

 

Plus, Wolf's sister, long distance family and friends find FB probably the easiest way to keep up to date, so it would be depriving them of what's going on in our lives.

 

So, WWYD?

 

You can keep her as a friend but set up your security settings so she doesn't receive your updates in her news feed.