Please....Words of wisdom needed desperately

[AlmiraGulch]

Same saga, different day.

 

My DD15 is a horrible student. I decided to return her to public school this year, albeit online, because our relationship had devolved into me screaming at her all the time about not doing her work, about not giving effort on the stuff she did do, about lying to me about it, etc.

 

I thought maybe if she were accountable to someone besides me she may buck up, but it's just more of the same. She is failing, and not because she doesn't understand, but because she isn't doing the work. She'll do daily assignments, mostly, but fails every test. She's not failing because she isn't a good test taker; rather, because she doesn't study. At all. I've given her every tool an tip I know and she just doesn't use them. She doesn't care. When her Algebra grade was 100% she made a point of showing me and I praised her up and down and told her how proud I was, and she admitted it felt good, but math is pretty easy for her. So, it doesn't feel good enough for her to put in any effort.

 

She's going to fail, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

She has one thing I could take away from her as a consequence but I hesitate for a variety of reasons. It's a weekly enrichment in the arts program that she goes to for 1/2 day on Wednesdays. Hands on History, Art, Orchestra....good programs. It's literally the only activity she does. She's an Aspie and has no friends, but she loves going there.

 

I've been thinking about pulling her out until she gets her grades up, but a) that type of traditional, logical consequence has never worked for her (meaning, do A and you'll get B, or don't do A and you won't get to do B) so I don't know why I think it would work now. I'm afraid that nothing would change academically and she would miss out on the one thing she actually enjoys, plus the only social interaction with peers that she gets. On the other hand, it's important for her to understand consequences and I don't want her to drop out of high school next year, so I'm grasping at anything at this point.

 

What would you do? I'm at a loss and no matter what I've tried over the years with her nothing has worked. I don't want to continue to fail her, but at some point she has to care about it herself, or not.

 

Please help.

[Ria]

I"m sorry. I've dealt with this as well.

 

In our case, public school worked better than the cyber for our son. More pressure, I think...whatever it was, he seemed to care more in the traditional school setting than in traditional homeschooling or cyber school.

 

It is so hard. I agree with you that taking away the one thing she loves might not be the best approach.

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

Homeschooling doesn't sweep away problems, it magnifies what's already there.

 

When my oldest son was in 7th, he was failing PS so miserably that there was no numeric way he could have passed. His psychologist told me under no circumstances was I to let him fail the grade and do it over-that he would never emotionally recover. Now, that might not be the answer for every kid who fails PS, but it was for him. So we pulled him out and such began my homeschooling career lo those years ago.

 

I don't think consequences are going to work. they haven't worked before and I may be reading the subtext of your post wrong? But it seems that she is beyond caring what is taken away.

 

I would pull her out, and not do school for a good few months. She can't get any further behind, can she? :001_smile: I would pull her in close, take her out to lunch, really spend time with her restoring our relationship. I would also go to a counselor, if you could. But until that relationship is restored, nothing is going to get better.

 

:grouphug:

 

I have a prodigal (oldest son). Don't let her go that way. It's incredibly painful for everyone. though I pulled him out, I never worked on OUR relationship, it was like what happened with you, yelling, screaming, lying, trouble. So I put him back into school in 10th (he passed the entrance to get back in the grade he would have been in), which he failed. When he turned 18 he emancipated himself and quit school. From there he floundered, and still, at almost 21, is still floundering. We had to ask him to not live with us as his actions were exploding over all of us.

 

I tell you this because you can still save her from that. She's still young enough. It's going to take your work on your relationship. Get the book Parenting With Grace. I wish with all my heart I had that book when I was in the thick of it. It might have saved us.

Edited September 22, 2011 by justamouse

[Perry]

I"m sorry. I've dealt with this as well.

 

In our case, public school worked better than the cyber for our son. More pressure, I think...whatever it was, he seemed to care more in the traditional school setting than in traditional homeschooling or cyber school.

 

This was our experience too. She still isn't doing nearly as well as she is capable of, but our relationship is better. Taking things away as punishment didn't help and actually made things worse.

 

Starting her on Ritalin made a big difference. I knew she had ADD years ago, but held out on treatment until last year. Wish I hadn't waited so long. :001_huh:

[Ria]

This was our experience too. She still isn't doing nearly as well as she is capable of, but our relationship is better. Taking things away as punishment didn't help and actually made things worse.

 

 

 

Totally agree about the punishment thing...ugh. Those were the worst days. I was so sick of the tension and fighting.

 

I'm pleased to say that my ds is now a 2nd semester freshman in college and is doing well. As in, he's trying hard and cares about his grades. I can't totally relax about it yet, but I'm almost there. :D

[ktgrok]

Would a less test based approach work? Having her do reading, then write essays? Otherwise, hugs, I don't know what to say. How old is she? Would community college classes work better?

[AK_Mom4]

Since she is an Aspie, a year of maturity *might* make a difference.

 

I would not take away her single enjoyed activity. It just doesn't work that way for these kids - it won't motivate her to improve her grades.

 

I like the idea of just setting some time aside. If it won't do tremendous damange to let her fail the classes, then let her fail. That would not be helpful with my kiddo as he would just get angry and depressed. Maybe set aside 6 months with just requiring her to read along with her enrichment class.

 

Sorry - I don't have any great ideas here, though. It's a tough spot. :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

Homeschooling doesn't sweep away problems, it magnifies what's already there.

 

When my oldest son was in 7th, he was failing PS so miserably that there was no numeric way he could have passed. His psychologist told me under no circumstances was I to let him fail the grade and do it over-that he would never emotionally recover. Now, that might not be the answer for every kid who fails PS, but it was for him. So we pulled him out and such began my homeschooling career lo those years ago.

 

I don't think consequences are going to work. they haven't worked before and I may be reading the subtext of your post wrong? But it seems that she is beyond caring what is taken away.

 

I would pull her out, and not do school for a good few months. She can't get any further behind, can she? :001_smile: I would pull her in close, take her out to lunch, really spend time with her restoring our relationship. I would also go to a counselor, if you could. But until that relationship is restored, nothing is going to get better.

 

:grouphug:

 

I have a prodigal (oldest son). Don't let her go that way. It's incredibly painful for everyone. though I pulled him out, I never worked on OUR relationship, it was like what happened with you, yelling, screaming, lying, trouble. So I put him back into school in 10th (he passed the entrance to get back in the grade he would have been in), which he failed. When he turned 18 he emancipated himself and quit school. From there he floundered, and still, at almost 21, is still floundering. We had to ask him to not live with us as his actions were exploding over all of us.

 

I tell you this because you can still save her from that. She's still young enough. It's going to take your work on your relationship. Get the book Parenting With Grace. I wish with all my heart I had that book when I was in the thick of it. It might have saved us.

 

Thank you for taking the time to post this. This is my fear, but I don't know what else to do. Public school was a nightmare for her so I'm hesitant to go back that route. Taking her out entirely....not sure about that, either, because I'm just not sure what that would accomplish. She's lazy by nature. If I don't continue to try to instill some work ethic in her I think she'll be too far gone (and I do recognize that what I've been doing hasn't been working, but just giving up on it entirely doesn't seem logical to me, either).

 

Thanks, too, for the book recommendation. I'll get it right away.

[AlmiraGulch]

Thank you to everyone for your support and suggestions. I'll keep her in her outside activity, but now...what to do about school? It's killing me.

 

I had to leave the house and so I went to Waffle House for some breakfast. I swear as I sat there it occurred to me that she wouldn't even be able to be a waitress to earn a living because it's hard work, and she has no work ethic or ability to follow through on a commitment. I'm so sad.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I think it's a good idea to leave her in her activities.

 

I know my oldest did not do well with online classes. The format did not work for her. Now that she is taking classes in college she is doing great. She needs to be in the class in person, other wise it's not real to her. She has been my kid that I felt like I needed a bulldozer to push her. Now she does works hard for herself. Some of it is age, but her learning issues (she struggles with dyslexia), made doing work on the computer hard.

 

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

That work ethic isn't going to be worked into her, though, and it's not going to be dropped into her magically. It needs to be done in baby steps. It needs to be built from the ground up. It's going to start with one paper, and encouragement and love to get it done, then praise when it IS done. Over and over again until she enjoys that sense of accomplishment.

 

Prodigal Son is like that (he's also ADHD) BUT with cars, that's another thing. He can work all day long on cars. Hours upon hours upon hours. So it could be that she hasn't found the thing that she is going to wake up excited to do.

 

Now, my other children have good work ethics, but I homeschooled them from the beginning. They are conscientious and diligent. But those were traits we worked on from being a toddler when they learned to clean up after themselves and small tasks I gave them. I wasn't like that with Prodigal, I was young and he was an only and he did nothing. I did it all for him. So, in many ways, I made him just the way he is. It's not something I'm particularly proud of.

 

Pull her out and love her. Start saying 20 wonderful and loving things to every one criticism. Rebuild that bridge.

[UnsinkableKristen]

No advice, just :grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

Can you just set school aside a little bit and work on the work ethic? Start small~1 household chore, then in a couple weeks 2, etc. Excruciating but it's what probably needs to be done. I have an Aspie. i wouldn't take away her one social outing.

[Parrothead]

What is she interested in? Can school become more interest based? Instead of failing in history, have her pick something she likes and study it.

 

Make a rule that she doesn't have to do traditional school, but she isn't allowed to sit around a watch TV all day or stare out the window. Don't yell anymore. Don't make yourself her enemy. Help her find an interest which can possibly lead to a passion. Something like a modified unschooling.

 

If you can get one interest you can get enough out of it to find the history and science of it. Pretty much anything she picks will have some kind of math with it. Same with reading/lit, and English.

 

If she is planning college remind her that she will have to provide output - something to show college admissions people. Leave it up to her to decide what it is.

 

Find people (adults) who share her interests. Let these people be her teachers. She can show her work to someone besides you for approval.

 

Good luck.