the loner child

[bethben]

My 3rd child (who happens to be in the middle of two extreme extroverted party children) is what I would consider a "loner". He likes to be alone. We are involved in a co-op type situation with recess and him being in a child-care situation with other kids while older brother and mom take a class. He plays mostly by himself. At recess, he wants to play by himself. I've asked him if he wants to play with the other children and just doesn't know how to get into the group, but I really feel like he just wants to be alone. He does play very well with his friends that he does have and likes to be around them, but this is a child who I think prefers his own company (or mine if he can get it).

 

My question is this - this is who God has obviously made him. I'm not concerned about him because when necessary, he can get up in front of a group and give a speech without worry and he can be social when he wants to be, but does anyone have an older child who started out as a loner? I'm just wondering how God uses these type of children. He's the one kid I can't seem to figure out how to steer.

 

Beth

[texasmama]

One of my kids is a bit of an introvert. He is much like his father in that sense.

 

My philosophy has always been that God endowed my kids with certain personalities and characteristics and it is my job to support, love and teach them while allowing them to be themselves. Mostly, I try to stay out of God's way.;) I share this because it seems to fit in with your view of your son.

 

I think your son sounds like he is doing very well. I wouldn't change a thing that you are doing, personally.:001_smile:

 

ETA: God can use anyone. He chose Jeremiah to be a prophet when Jeremiah had speech difficulties. God will use your son. Absolutely.

Edited September 21, 2011 by texasmama

[J-rap]

Is he shy and uncomfortable with others, or does he just like to be alone? My son liked be alone, too, although he wasn't alone often in our family of 7! He met plenty of boys in our homeschool group, at church, on the high school swim team, etc., but he still almost always just preferred to be home...either with us, building things with his legos, reading, off taking a long walk -- when he was older (alone), etc. He was not shy at all. In fact, he grew up with a lot of self-confidence, and was never uncomfortable with anyone, anywhere. Other kids really looked up to him, and he was invited to a lot of social events. He nearly always declined. He just really, really loved his time alone or home with family.

 

He grew up very peaceful and content, and is even quite gregarious now actually. He has a real heart for people, and has a gift of being able to talk to anyone. Still, he likes to take time every day to take a long walk -- alone, or have a quiet time. He is very grounded, and he thinks a lot, about a lot of things.

 

All this is to say that being a loner doesn't necessarily mean anything negative, at all. We never made our son feel like he was strange for wanting to be alone (or home with us :). I think it just was and is what he needs to do to feel balanced, and it gives him the mental energy he needs to do all that he wants to do.

[Sevilla]

Many famous writers and thinkers are loners. John Stott, whose work I greatly admire, was very much a loner. Reading his obituary earlier this summer helped me see loners in a new way - b/c his contributions to the world were HUGE.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't know, but I had a very good friend who was a loner, and he was VERY happy, and also wonderful to be around. Quiet, yes, but I adored him. We were friends for years, and he did great in our circle of friends, but he was happy and seemed to prefer his own company.

 

My dh is the same way.

 

I would have no concerns about this. He still may change anyway!

[Ria]

We have a child who is extremely bright but downright awkward for most of his life so far. He's now 17.

 

Up until he was 14, we worried about him. He didn't really have friends...didn't want any, just loved reading. He was happy to be alone. Around others his age he was stilted...he talked (and still often does) almost as if he was trying to use dictionary words (you know, the ones no one uses)....except, if you know him, this is *really* how he talks. Strange but true. He was socially awkward at best. He preferred his own company. He did not relate to others, nor did he seem to need or want peer interactions.

 

He's gradually come out of his shell. He's still much more the introvert and more the loner than the others, but he has changed. He spent the past 5 summers wilderness canoe camping in Canada with small groups of kids, and I think that helped. We also put him in ps, and I think the forced interaction helped. He's in 3 or 4 AP classes this year and is thriving. He's met others more like himself - smart but not overly social.

 

His older sibs used to tell me, even when he was 14, that he was just so awkward and how he did not relate to others. He's different now. He' even has a girlfriend...we NEVER saw this coming. And she's smart and very pretty....we still are in shock. Believe me!

[bethben]

he thinks a lot, about a lot of things.

 

This is my son. He's 6, but he's the type of kid who will only ask the question if he can't figure it out for himself. There have been things that he's thought about for days and only questions it out loud if there is no solution in his brain (like when his sister came and he wanted to know where her male weewee part was - he came up with A LOT of theories on that one!) Neither my husband or I can understand how he thinks. I'm not concerned about him or want him to change, I just am curious how to direct him. We want to encourage him in his giftings, but it's hard when he's just so content on his own. For example, we asked him if he was interested in doing a sport. He thought about it for awhile and said, "tennis or swimming would be nice." (non-group sports which came as no surprise) :tongue_smilie: I guess the only way I can see to bless him or encourage him is to let him be on his own away from his sister who considers him her favorite toy.

 

Beth

[jenL]

My dh is a bit of a loner. He prefers to be alone or with just his immediate family over all else. He has friends, socializes well in groups, but he just prefers less over more when it comes to being with others.

 

My eldest son exhibits many of his father's tendencies, and I just accept him for who he is. He also has many friends, does well with others, etc, but when all is said and done, he cherishes his alone time. We try very hard to honor that for him because his quiet, alone time refuels him.

 

Ds#2 and I are more extroverted, so sometimes it can be hard for us to understand, but over the years, I have come to see that Dh balances me so well because of the fact he is an introvert.

 

It sounds like your son is doing well. God always creates us as He wishes, and it sounds like you are embracing this with your child. The problems come when parents choose to try to change their child. It doesn't sound as if you are attempting to do that.

[Wyndie]

The best book I ever read on understanding the different "bents" of my children is Different Children, Different Needs. SERIOUSLY best book ever! I am an outgoing party parent and could not understand my sensitive child nor my introverted one. That book not only showed me the great things about their specific personalities and how to relate to them as God created us both, but also shows examples of people in the Bible who had similar personalities and how God used them.

 

Did I mention just how much I LOVE that book? :)

[Margo out of lurking]

but does anyone have an older child who started out as a loner? I'm just wondering how God uses these type of children. He's the one kid I can't seem to figure out how to steer.

 

She's passionate, determined, independent, focused. She clearly hears God speak His will to her and finds it hard to rest until she complies. She's stepped out in ways I never would have imagined, and I wish I had been like this when I was her age. (I wish I were like this now!)

 

It's been an amazing year to see Him working in her life.

[elegantlion]

My son is very solitary. He's never expressed a desire for siblings, we've discussed it multiple times. He doesn't need a lot of friends, although he is lacking in that department now. But he is comfortable being alone and in his own head, so to speak.

 

He's talkative around people he knows, he's a cup half full optimist, but he simply likes to be by himself.

 

I'm an introvert too, but also prone to the blues, so I've watched him closely. We've had some life struggles and we openly discuss them. All my conclusions match his statements that he is quite happy.

 

We take the time to study men who were solitary and accomplished. I believe that has given him confidence.

 

I almost started a thread the other day, these posts are helpful to me.

[Sputterduck]

This is my son. He's 6, but he's the type of kid who will only ask the question if he can't figure it out for himself. There have been things that he's thought about for days and only questions it out loud if there is no solution in his brain (like when his sister came and he wanted to know where her male weewee part was - he came up with A LOT of theories on that one!) Neither my husband or I can understand how he thinks. I'm not concerned about him or want him to change, I just am curious how to direct him. We want to encourage him in his giftings, but it's hard when he's just so content on his own. For example, we asked him if he was interested in doing a sport. He thought about it for awhile and said, "tennis or swimming would be nice." (non-group sports which came as no surprise) :tongue_smilie: I guess the only way I can see to bless him or encourage him is to let him be on his own away from his sister who considers him her favorite toy.

 

Beth

 

Don't worry about directing him very much. Most kids like that will have a path planned out ahead for themselves far ahead of adulthood. I was like that. Despite straying a bit when I married my ex-husband, I've stayed pretty much with my plan.