simka2 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Dh's work has become rather stressful as of late. Not losing your job stressful, just people and personalities stressful. I am finding that I get a little stressed as he talks to me about his day. On the other hand, I am the one person he is completely open with and I know he needs me to be a good listener. He has picked up on my stress and is trying to protect me by not sharing as much. Truthfully, this just makes things worse! He is on guard with me and I fear he is hiding something even bigger than what is actually going on. Uggghhh! I guess my question is how do you handle this? (Sometimes he is very upfront and say's, "I'm not going into detail because I just do not want to rehash everything right now." That is perfectly fine! Heck, I do not like rehashing all of my day with him ;)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 There's an article in Inc. magazine this month about this. It's dance for someone to know how much to share at home. This is especially true for those who own the company. Some spouses simply can't handle alll the gory details, some are really good with it. You are not the only one trying to figure this out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Is he is bringing it up all the time whenever you talk? How would it be to just have time limit for 15 minutes (or whatever doesn't stress you out) and a where he could talk about his stuff? Maybe even, how about we have friday's as a day to rehash how your week went? Hmm, I'll have to think more about other options, that was just what came to mind.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I have been married 23 years, and during this time, dh has told me he has learned what I can "hear" and what I can't. Initially, I protested, arguing I want to hear whatever is upsetting him, but the truth is I do worry more than he does and can't hide it~which ultimately stresses him more. So...if I know he's having a difficult week, I help by keeping things smooth at home so he can concentrate on solving problems at work (and of course, pray for him.) fwiw... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I know that with my dh, it is so much better for our relationship if he talks about his stress rather than keeping it in. IF he doesn't talk about, it just fuels my anxiety and doesn't help him at all. If he talks about it, I can sometimes bring another perspective or I can just be a comforting listener. OVer 26 years of marriage, I have learned that I need to draw it out from him at times and not just let it go. (I don't think your question is against the rules at all. You aren't bashing anyone just asking for normal advice). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Is he is bringing it up all the time whenever you talk? How would it be to just have time limit for 15 minutes (or whatever doesn't stress you out) and a where he could talk about his stuff? Maybe even, how about we have friday's as a day to rehash how your week went? Hmm, I'll have to think more about other options, that was just what came to mind.... He talks very openly with me and even vents a bit. Normally, I can handle it. The recent stressors have been different so I guess I am not as adept at handling them within myself. He is in a job where he cannot talk about alot of these things with other people, I am his safe place. I think, since this was a new scenario I went into fix it mode. Which isn't helpful for either of us :D. Ah, perspective, I wish I could download it into my brain!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I know that with my dh, it is so much better for our relationship if he talks about his stress rather than keeping it in. IF he doesn't talk about, it just fuels my anxiety and doesn't help him at all. If he talks about it, I can sometimes bring another perspective or I can just be a comforting listener. OVer 26 years of marriage, I have learned that I need to draw it out from him at times and not just let it go. (I don't think your question is against the rules at all. You aren't bashing anyone just asking for normal advice). Exactly!!!! Finding the balance in this is hard. He feels conflicted with knowing it is better for us to talk and not wanting to add to my stress load. Plus, I really do not like it when he feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around me, but I realize that I probably came across as "fragile." ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stages Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My DH has had a lot of issues with depression and a few other things, so I've had quite a bit of experience with this. I've had to remind him that we are a team and his burdens are my burdens, too. We have to shoulder these things together, and I can't work towards the same goal as him if I don't know what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 There's an article in Inc. magazine this month about this. It's dance for someone to know how much to share at home. This is especially true for those who own the company. Some spouses simply can't handle alll the gory details, some are really good with it. You are not the only one trying to figure this out! This is Dh and I. I no longer work day to day at the company and he only asks my opinion when it's needed. I don't want to hear everything, I would be flipping out. So home is home for him. I think perhaps you two are hitting a particularly stressful time right now with such a big undertaking, and maybe in a month or two your own stress level will go down and you'll be able to be a soft place for him again? If sharing is the way you guys roll, I would just be honest with him on where I was emotionally and yes, I want to listen and be a good listener, but that I was feeling particularly squeezed these few weeks. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 When DH needs to vent, I usually remind myself that he needs me to be an "ear" not a "mouth". So I sit there and listen to him rant and rail, and try to remember that he does not need me to solve anything - he just needs to get his steam out and to hear an occasional "Yeah, that guy WAS a jerk" or "You are completely right". I try to separate myself from everything he is saying and focus on what he is needing from the conversation. That keeps me from stressing about the actual content :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 This is Dh and I. I no longer work day to day at the company and he only asks my opinion when it's needed. I don't want to hear everything, I would be flipping out. So home is home for him. I think perhaps you two are hitting a particularly stressful time right now with such a big undertaking, and maybe in a month or two your own stress level will go down and you'll be able to be a soft place for him again? If sharing is the way you guys roll, I would just be honest with him on where I was emotionally and yes, I want to listen and be a good listener, but that I was feeling particularly squeezed these few weeks. :001_smile: Of course this is exactly what is going on!!!! So the question I should have asked is: How to be there for your dh when you have had all the anxiety and stress you can handle for the time being? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I would encourage you to be honest with him. Let him know that not knowing what is stressing him makes it more difficult for you. And it's ok to let his stress bother you. Even though it's his job, you're in this together. Dh has a stressful job but knowing that I'm a willing listener means the world to him. And that goes a long way towards reducing the stress. As for me, I have found my own ways to cope with the stress of dh's job. You'll find yours...maybe it's chocolate, or listening to music or running. You're a good wife to care- many of dh's coworkers have wives who just say, "Sucks to be you!" Not helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I feel your pain. :glare: One thing I'm doing is before listening, I try to ask what he wants. Is it just to vent or is it to bounce ideas around. If it's just venting/sharing the day, I try (oh I try) not to give possible "solutions" to what I see as problems. I also try to judge my mood and energy and say whether I can listen or whether I'll be saying what he should be doing (which generally doesn't help either of us). :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Feeling your pain too. My dh does not ever want to talk about work or the office. He simply wants to leave it behind and be home. On another topic, I thought you had a question about the department of human services or department of homeland security.:lol: This is one place where it is good to use that ' for a plural. I've always known it didn't actually kill kittens.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Feeling your pain too. My dh does not ever want to talk about work or the office. He simply wants to leave it behind and be home. On another topic, I thought you had a question about the department of human services or department of homeland security.:lol: This is one place where it is good to use that ' for a plural. I've always known it didn't actually kill kittens.;) Grammar is not my strong point. I looked at it and thought, "Well, that's not right!" and then debated on fixing it. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Grammar is not my strong point. I looked at it and thought, "Well, that's not right!" and then debated on fixing it. ;) :lol:I just figured you really liked Mrs. Mungo and didn't want to upset her.:lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 We've struggled with this. My H took the don't mention much track for the first time in our marriage and it did a lot of damage to intimacy and connection. Of course he and I have specific dynamics that another marriage might not share. But I think I get the situation. If we had it to do over again we think we would set sort of an appointment time to talk about the yuck of work and try to have "work/stress talk free" conversation and together time as well that occurs more often. Because of my experience I don't think it's healthy for a spouse to keep the stress from the other spouse to protect them under normal circumstances. Maybe a spouse could sort of journal and the sensitive person read as able with most in person conversation being more generally I know it's tough and I am praying for a supporting you? I don't know what would work for you because I'm not sure what would have worked better for us. Anything but what we did though. I wish I had a rewind here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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