question for parents who have/will bring their child to "away" school--

[distancia]

Edited, see below.

Edited August 6, 2011 by distancia

[regentrude]

I have not moved a kid into an apartment, but I have moved often enough myself, on my own and with little kids:

if she is on her own for four days, she can take her time and do things gradually. She does not have to unpack and set up everything right away. Even if the apartment itself is large- a single person really does not need much stuff. How do clothes have to be *organized*? Hang 'em up/ lay in drawers, ten minutes tops. Unpack one mug, one spoon and one fork. how long does it take to put a garbage bag in a waste basket? 10 seconds, and you do it when you want to use it for the first time.

 

Really, placing a car load's worth of items into appropriate locations should be easily doable by a single adult. I would assume it much easier if the house is NOT full of room mates. Let her do it on her own.

[distancia]

Regentrude, our dd will have to be cooking almost all of her own meals from day 1. This means she needs to unpack her skillets, bowls, utensils (cheese grater, knives) etc. as well as the coffee maker, dish drainer, strainer, potholders, towels, dishwashing detergent....fill her refrigerator with food to cook with (and how is she supposed to go to the grocery store if her 4 day orientation schedule is full every day until well into the evening? The presumption is that she is a freshman moving into a small, shared dorm room and she is on a full meal plan, which she is not.

 

I have been reading from the Belmont HS list suggested here on TWTM that cleaning supplies (Windex, Clorox spray, paper towels) and shelf lining paper be the first items unloaded from the car and brought into the apartment. This means that shelves have to be lined before the bowls, skillets, etc. are unpacked and put into place, so our DD can then prepare all her meals. And the utensil holder--yes, she can pre-fill that will utensils while here at home, so some of the work can be done. But trying to hang a shower curtain all by yourself when you're 5'2" and without a stepstool (ooops, better add that to the list) or a taller person around can be difficult.

 

I'm not saying that we parents need to spend our day arranging our dd's panties and socks in the correct drawer or puttying photos of mom and dad to her wall. I AM saying that we will need to assist her in laying down the 7 x 10 rug pad, unroll her 7 x 10 rug (and help lift the furniture in a couple of places to make it lie flat) so she can proceed to set her additional furniture (bookshelves and night table WE supply from home, floor lamp, etc, underbed pull-out containers) on top of the rug. Hubby will have to set up the computer and printer.

 

As a single young woman who moved many, many times in her life, first at age 17, I know that assembling an apartment by oneself is a slow and tedious and yes, satisfying (as well as frustrating) experience. There were a few occasions where I had a friend to help me schlep the boxes, unpack and organize in half or less than half the time it would have taken me by myself. Believe me when I say how grateful I was for that extra assistance.

 

In speaking with other parents who have helped their college-aged children move into apartments (not a single dorm room) they have all said that family members/boyfriends/and roommates helped out, and a good portion of the day was spent (more or less) making trips to the Target/Walmart/grocery store. Many parents stayed overnight in hotels to pick up the loose ends when a child's schedule is jam-packed for orientation activities.

 

In posting this question I was concerned that our 18 y/o will not have a boyfriend, sibling, or roommates available to help her the first 4 days, and she will have minimal prep time for anything other than attend meeting after meeting, with a schedule full from 8 30 am to 7 pm (or later) each night. I don't think it is necessary to dump our daughter off in an empty apartment with a bunch of boxes and heavy furniture, and wave sayonara just to prove a point that dd can tough it out. I haven't done that to grown, adult friends who I have helped move, why should I do it to my own daughter?

[Jenny in Florida]

When I deposited our daughter the first year, I just helped her move boxes and stuff into the room. When she was available, I took her shopping and out for a meal. But I didn't work on her room when she wasn't there or put anything away.

 

(Okay, I think I did make her bed the first time.)

 

Edit: I should mention that mine also cooked most of her own meals. She's a vegan, and she was at a small liberal arts college in a small-ish town. So, options in both the dining hall and the walkable area around campus were very limited. She got by with a microwave and small fridge, plus a toaster, rice cooker and electric kettle for four years.

 

I took her grocery shopping during one of her free times and then helped carry the bags upstairs to her room. She was usually pretty insistent about doing it on her own from that point.

 

I'm not suggesting you should dump her at the apartment entrance and wave goodbye, by the way. But you did ask what others have done.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Jenny in Florida

[8filltheheart]

I think regentrude's pt is that it shouldn't take long. What you are describing sounds like it should be able to completed by a couple of people in just a couple of hrs. I would help unload the the car, place her furniture and carpet, but no, I wouldn't do much beyond that. It isn't that much stuff. And, fwiw, I personally wouldn't pick up my kids' loose ends, but that is me. We are more of a drop-off family and my kids are more of "ready to be on their own w/o mom and dad around" kids. They would prefer us to leave.....which I'm fine with. We raised them for this day.

 

FWIW, our 17 yod is leaving for Canada in 2 weeks for school and I am not even going. Her dad and little sister are. She has purchased and gathered everything she is taking with her. I am not going over her list. I am not scrutinizing what she has planned. She'll figure it out. (which is why I am perfectly ok with her leaving. She is more than capable.)

[regentrude]

Regentrude, our dd will have to be cooking almost all of her own meals from day 1. This means she needs to unpack her skillets, bowls, utensils (cheese grater, knives) etc. as well as the coffee maker, dish drainer, strainer, potholders, towels, dishwashing detergent....fill her refrigerator with food to cook with (and how is she supposed to go to the grocery store if her 4 day orientation schedule is full every day until well into the evening? The presumption is that she is a freshman moving into a small, shared dorm room and she is on a full meal plan, which she is not.

 

 

I still think you are making this WAY too difficult.

She does not need all utensils and a completely stocked kitchen on the first night - a person can survive on sandwiches for a few days and GRADUALLY stock pantry, fridge, arrange gourmet accessories etc.

Heck, one does not even have to line shelves to put things on.

As for shopping: in this country, shops are open 24 hours. So, she CAN run to the store (you mention she even has a CAR) and shop. It will be stressful - but so will be being a student.

 

I don't say you should not help her unpack - but I think she should be perfectly capable of sorting things out. It sounds as if she is dealing with a great material luxury - many people fix all their meals without having a fully stocked kitchen. (my first apartment did not even have a fridge or a stove for several months). Relax.

[distancia]

I've edited this post because we just discovered that parents are generally given all day and into the night (more or less) to assist with moving in.

 

Based upon my dd's lack of interest in her new housing: "Shower curtain? [shrug] Whatever's on sale. Waste basket? Any color is okay" I can see this isn't going to take as long as I thought.

 

The biggest issue is that we just returned from Africa where dd picked up a nasty skin infection (all over her face) and the dermatologist said it will take a serious course of medications and more than a few days to heal. The last thing dd wants to do is show up at college looking "like an alien" and I think this is putting a big damper on her enthusiasm.

[regentrude]

The biggest issue is that we just returned from Africa where dd picked up a nasty skin infection (all over her face) and the dermatologist said it will take a serious course of medications and more than a few days to heal. The last thing dd wants to do is show up at college looking "like an alien" and I think this is putting a big damper on her enthusiasm.

 

I am sorry to hear that, and I can understand that she is concerned. I hope it clears up before she needs to start. Best wishes.

[lmrich]

My parents and sister always helped us moved in. I helped my sister move when she was 34. Help if you can; don't if can't. You will get the feeling when you have overstepped your boundaries. I think it would be sweet/wise to send her to school with a few of her favorite meals tucked away in the freezer. Gosh, who wouldn't like a homecooked meal?

[Medstudent]

I moved into a new apartment a couple of years ago. I bought as much furniture as I could in pieces online and bought a toolbox. I had it all shipped so it'd be here when I got here. I bought some basic food items like beef jerky and ramen and had a sauce pot out. I lived on those for a few days until I set up my kitchen. My mom helped me mostly with driving (she was nervous about me driving cross-country and getting lost on the way to various stores) but I took boxes in, built my own furniture thanks to my lovely toolbox, slept on the floor and lived on pre-packaged food for a while. When I did encounter one thing I couldn't do by myself (attaching a mirror to a dresser, it was just too heavy for one person to do by herself), I emailed my class' Facebook group and asked for help- one of the guys came in and helped me with that. I took him out for coffee in exchange, and made a friend early on.

 

It really wasn't a huge deal. I didn't mind that my mom couldn't help me and I actually had a lot of fun building all my own stuff (including an elliptical! That took me all day). I really took ownership of my place early on. I lifted furniture off of rugs and slept on the ground until my mattress and bed arrived, then i lifted the mattress onto my own bed which was definitely a challenge. I walked to cafes and stuff when i got really sick of jerky and ramen noodles. I felt independent. It isn't glamorous, but it's fun. I'm not saying you're doing something wrong by helping your daughter out, but it actually really isn't that bad, and it truly doesn't require 3 adults to set up an apartment. She should absolutely be able to hang her own shower curtain, it's not 8 feet up and she can stand on a suitcase or something. She should really learn how to set up her own computer or that'll cause her grief every time anything goes wrong and she needs to call daddy to fix it. "Roughing it" on occasion is part of the process really.

[JFSinIL]

My parents and sister always helped us moved in. I helped my sister move when she was 34. Help if you can; don't if can't. You will get the feeling when you have overstepped your boundaries. I think it would be sweet/wise to send her to school with a few of her favorite meals tucked away in the freezer. Gosh, who wouldn't like a homecooked meal?

 

If she is moving into a place with a 'fridge/freezer already in place, just stock them with easy to nuke foods for her first few days. She doesn't have to COOK for a bit. And - even though her days may be full with orientation stuff, they do feed the kids at those things, and/or she can buy a bite of something on campus.

 

She will be fine. Help with the heavy lifting stuff, make sure the computer is set up, have a bag of cereal, apples, whatever to leave with her, get a pizza (or whatever) delivered, and then shoo.

[8filltheheart]

Based upon my dd's lack of interest in her new housing: "Shower curtain? [shrug] Whatever's on sale. Waste basket? Any color is okay" I can see this isn't going to take as long as I thought.

 

The biggest issue is that we just returned from Africa where dd picked up a nasty skin infection (all over her face) and the dermatologist said it will take a serious course of medications and more than a few days to heal. The last thing dd wants to do is show up at college looking "like an alien" and I think this is putting a big damper on her enthusiasm.

 

 

I'm sorry your dd has an infection. Hope it clears up before she has to leave for class..

 

But, the part about her lack of interest in her new housing reflects different parenting styles. If my dd needs a shower curtain, I have no idea. If she has purchased one to take, I have no idea about that either. Trash can? She is on her own. She has a driver's license, access to a car, and $$ (or $$ from us depending on what it is.) I do not see it as my responsibility to shop for her or help her pick out what she needs. I am taking care of our household as well as homeschooling. She has her days to make phone calls, make arrangements, do the required shopping/packing/planning. (ETA: I would say that the exception to this would be a big ticket item like a computer where she would actually benefit from parental input/guidance but not the inconsequential stuff.)

 

If she plans poorly, our parenting philosophy is simply that she has to live with the natural consequences of the position she finds herself in. She will figure it out, but it may mean some unplanned inconveniences along the way.

 

But, our parenting approach is that children need to be cared for; adults take care of themselves. (or if they are "children" making the decisions of adults, then they are responsible for the factors that accompany those decisions.) Then there is our Aspie who by age is an adult but is mentally a child. He has to be taken care of.

Edited August 7, 2011 by 8FillTheHeart

[J-rap]

With one exception, our children so far have gone to colleges that are out of state or out of the country. We haven't been able to accompany them. Two out of three moved directly into small apts. or rented rooms, not dormitories. I helped them with the planning details at this end, assisted in packing, helped them think through what they'd need, etc. But once there, they were on their own. It was a learning experience for them, but it went fine.

 

I hope your daughter gets over her rash soon. Hopefully it will get under control. I'm sure something like that can put a damper on everything!

[Reesegirl]

For all three of our DDs my dh and I took them to the university in their freshmen year and helped them move their stuff into the dorms. They didn't have their own car. There were lots of upperclassmen who helped move boxes to their rooms. For all 3 of my girls I asked them what they wanted us to do. All 3 asked if I would hang up their clothes, especially their clothing on hangers. I did not offer to help decorate or organize their room since that was really the fun part of moving in. We made trips to the stores for minor things that dd forgot and I also shopped for typical school supplies and snack foods. Each time we moved our dd in, there were some moms and dads hovering in other kids rooms and afterwards we heard from our dds that some of these kids compared stories about how mom and dad wouldn't give them space to do it themselves. I think you really you have to ask them what they want and then respect their choice. My youngest dd is moving into an apartment at her university and I am allowing her to go on her own since she has her own car. It is a college apartment so there are beds and desks but she will have fun stocking it and decorating it with stuff with her roommates.

[kiana]

If she's worried about cooking, it'd be a nice gesture to make and freeze some home-cooked meals. Then she'd only have to take a container out of the freezer and nuke it.