2nd question on weapon play: Is it normal/healthy? Are my kids over obsessed?

[jenniferlee]

I know some would say this is just boys (although my 10yo girl does join just as much :glare:). But does it have to be?

How normal is this amount of obsession with violence and fighting/killing? Is it healthy? Is it healthy to try to stem it?

 

My 11yo draws fighter jets all the time. My 5yo draws pictures of all kinds of weapons, fills up pages of them.

We don't allow much in the way of video games, etc. But we do have rise of the nations and that is all they play for their 30 min. Loves it. But it's all about war!

I just don't know where to draw the line, or if we should.

 

I mean, we are pretty much pacifists ourselves and now we have these violence obsessed kids.:tongue_smilie:

We're having a hard time here.

[Starr]

My hippy friend's son became a marine. :D Go figure. I had a friend who came from a truly pacifist family. His dad wouldn't allow any part of it. If it feel like too much give them only so much time for drawing weapons a day. And read lots of books about other things. You will have to work hard to find them another interest. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

I know some would say this is just boys (although my 10yo girl does join just as much :glare:). But does it have to be?

How normal is this amount of obsession with violence and fighting/killing? Is it healthy? Is it healthy to try to stem it?

 

My 11yo draws fighter jets all the time. My 5yo draws pictures of all kinds of weapons, fills up pages of them.

We don't allow much in the way of video games, etc. But we do have rise of the nations and that is all they play for their 30 min. Loves it. But it's all about war!

I just don't know where to draw the line, or if we should.

 

I mean, we are pretty much pacifists ourselves and now we have these violence obsessed kids.:tongue_smilie:

We're having a hard time here.

 

I think weapon play (and, note, I don't think weapons have to equal guns) is a normal, natural "role" play for childhood. Children learn about power, protection, and provision by using weapons as props for play.

 

I think, because of the power behind weapns,that completely uncensored weapon play CAN get obsessive and out of control. Some children are simply more prone to this than others.

 

I originally thought the desire for weapon play was completely cultural, indoctrinated gender scripting. I've moved away from that thought significantly. I've come to see that weapon play is an important processing tool in development. But, like other play, it can need the help of mature adults.

 

I rarely allowed weapon play in groups of kids when they were younger. When I owned and operated a daycare, we did not allow weapon play. I did not allow pointing/killing gestures or play at humans or pets. I did allow "get teh bad guy" pretend shooting (or monster, etc). If a certain media fueled obsessiveness, they could either curb the hyperfocus, or the media was removed because they weren't mature enough yet to handle it (Power Rangers, for example).

 

If weapon play was ever "all" my kids did, I would have to look at why. Is it because they have issues preventing them from more well rounded play or is it a dynamic in response to something from the parental tone/culture?

[WishboneDawn]

I'd say it's pretty normal. I also think you're missing the point of the pictures.

 

It's not about the violence and killing. It's about them fantasizing about having some grownup power. It's why I spent hours drawing superheroes as a child and why my son runs around doing pretend martial arts moves looking very fierce. They probably don't get the violence and killing bit like you do. They just see these very powerful and cool machines that would let them do extraordinary things.

 

Don't worry about it. Don't make too much of it. It's kids sorting though adult concerns with play.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, we're military and the kids are all surrounded by those sorts of things. So, it's not a shocker around here.

[WishboneDawn]

 

I rarely allowed weapon play in groups of kids when they were younger. When I owned and operated a daycare, we did not allow weapon play. I did not allow pointing/killing gestures or play at humans or pets. I did allow "get teh bad guy" pretend shooting (or monster, etc). If a certain media fueled obsessiveness, they could either curb the hyperfocus, or the media was removed because they weren't mature enough yet to handle it (Power Rangers, for example).

 

If weapon play was ever "all" my kids did, I would have to look at why. Is it because they have issues preventing them from more well rounded play or is it a dynamic in response to something from the parental tone/culture?

 

My kids each have a foam sword, a "staff" and there are quite a few toy guns around the house. They do a lot of weapons play but it's generally in the context of a larger game - tromping around the property on some medieval quest or sci-fi epic.

 

Jennifer - Maybe encouraging the kids to go beyond just the weapon? For the fighter jet son grab a book on jets from a used book store and sit down with him and explore them a bit (this from the daughter and sister of aircraft maintenence engineers.:)) beyond simply the killing capacity of each. Branch out into other specialized aircraft that do amazing, powerful things. This is a COOL page -Largest Helicopter in the World - honestly, if he thinks fighter jets are cool he NEEDS to see Mil V-12 or Sikorsky CH-54 (yes, the father and brothers work/worked mainly on helicopters :D).

 

For the others you could ask them to tell you stories about the drawings. Ask your son to draw a picture of the person who would carry the weapon he drew, where the person came from, what adventure he's going on? Maybe pick up some costumes and *eep* weapon toys like foam swords so they can tromp around like my kids. Read some adventure stories to fuel their imagination and let them go. Let them play with the idea that the weapons aren't the whole point, they're just a small prop in the larger story

[kwickimom]

This thread is really interesting to me. My kids are around guns all the time. We are avid hunters. Because of this they dont really "play" guns, unless it has to do with hunting and just today we found a toy gun for my ds5 at a yard sale and he says to me "look mom, I really like this one....it has a safety and everything." :001_smile: When they do play guns they never aim at a person or pretend to kill someone. They always use them for "hunting." They pretend shoot at our live deer, or the dog who is "pretending" to be a deer, or at our very loud and annoying parrot.

 

They dont assocaite guns with violence at all, and they know gun safety rules and that carries over into their play. Maybe getting a hunter safety course book or something like that would teach them to respect the weapons, even during play? I never really thought about it before, but it is very interesting to me that they play with the guns as they were taught to with real guns.

[Dawn in OH]

My house is filled with toy swords, shields, axes, daggers, and bows and arrows. The kids ride stick horses and ride through the living room jousting with light sabers as lances. My 3 year old will tell you that he has poison on his sword from a Hydra's blood :001_huh:.

 

The ONLY gun in the house is a nerf blaster that shoots giant green balls (presumably balls of acid).

 

My current project is convincing the 3 year old that we don't kill the bad guys. We capture them and treat them humanely.

 

Our oldest has been fascinated with swords since he was less than 2 years old. He got his first toy sword (Sting) when he was two. I don't know what started the fascination, but he's now 10 and really interested in history, particularly the Middle Ages. My daughter also plays with swords. Both kids asked for fencing and archery lessons. I think the 3 year old is interested only because the older two are interested. Can't say for sure. The 1 year old boy likes to grab the wand attachment from the vacuum cleaner and wield it as a sword.

 

We go every year (for 6 weekends) to a Medieval Faire. But we never attended the faire with the children until the oldest two were 5 & 6, so I think for them it may be something instinctive. Their games are a combination of knights, wizards, pirates, and mythology. I know that our movie and literature selections do play a role in this activity.

[WishboneDawn]

Maybe getting a hunter safety course book or something like that would teach them to respect the weapons, even during play?

 

:iagree: And then having them take the course when they're old enough. We have to have a Firearms Aquisition Certificate in this province to buy a gun and getting that means you have to complete a gun safety course. I took it two summers ago (I thought I'd like to have a gun in the house to scare off the bears on occasion) and it was excellent! It completely stripped the handguns, rifles and shotguns of any romanticism, made it clear they were tools and gave you a full understanding of your responsibility once you own a gun.

 

Too much responsibility for me. I passed with flying colours but never sent in the results and paperwork. Now when the bears come by I go outside with a spoon and metal bowl. :)

 

My kids will definitely be taking the course when they're older.

[jenniferlee]

Lots of interesting responses here. Thanks everyone.

Joanne, what do you mean by the violent play being in response to parental environment or however you put it?

And yes, lately, especially, it's pretty much ALL they want to play. Different games depending on the weapon, but centering around chasing, combat, ambush, bad/good guys, etc.

I love that they are outside. Active. playing with each other. but....

 

I don't know.

[WishboneDawn]

My current project is convincing the 3 year old that we don't kill the bad guys. We capture them and treat them humanely.

 

But the bad guy death scenes are SOOO fun to act out!

 

I'd done that a time or two for the kids. :D

[Joanne]

Joanne, what do you mean by the violent play being in response to parental environment or however you put it?

ow.

 

Extreme, counter-cultural views can create an unnatural interest and hyperfocus.(This is true in areas beyond weapon play, as well) Let's say you have a pacifist family who has high anxiety around a child playing with, using weapons as a prop. Children around that level of hyper-focus against weapons are more likely to hyper-focus on weapons.

 

Adults bring a LOT of baggage to this particular area. Children, in general, use weapons as one (of many) processing tools in play to learn about themselves, the world, and to have fun. Adults often impose a much heavier agenda to that play that doesn't apply to what the child is actually doing.

 

On the other hand, because weapons *are* complicated, the play does need some monitoring because certain personality types and situations can lead to a obssessiveness and exclusionary play that is not healthy. A child needs to play "cop" but also teacher, nurse, parent, jedi and farmer.

[Laurie4b]

Before I had kids, my pacifist back-door neighbor had two boys and she refused to buy them toy guns or other weapons....until the day she looked outside, and they were still again pointing sticks at each other and firing them like guns. She decided at that point that the guns made for kids as toys were safer than sticks and that nor buying toy guns hadn't curbed the weapons play at all. She gave in and bought some.

 

When my oldest was 2 and couldn't really talk much yet, he would sit for hours playing with egg-shaped "Little People". I couldn't wait until he was talking so I could find out what he was playing. Then I did==they were killing each other! I was horrified! I thought we weren't teaching proper expression of anger or something. Ds only watched Sesame St. occasionally and the only violence he had been exposed to was David and Goliath. I started calling friends with boys to see if it was normal or not. One mom of 5 boys said, "It's just a phase. It will last... I dunno...until they are 21 or so?" That ds is grown up now. A very tender guy.

 

My younger ones also draw pages of weapons (swords or guns) constantly. I think we've been overly-sensitized to worry about it but it seems to me to be pretty normal. I would not worry about it.

[WishboneDawn]

Extreme, counter-cultural views can create an unnatural interest and hyperfocus.(This is true in areas beyond weapon play, as well) Let's say you have a pacifist family who has high anxiety around a child playing with, using weapons as a prop. Children around that level of hyper-focus against weapons are more likely to hyper-focus on weapons.

 

Adults bring a LOT of baggage to this particular area. Children, in general, use weapons as one (of many) processing tools in play to learn about themselves, the world, and to have fun. Adults often impose a much heavier agenda to that play that doesn't apply to what the child is actually doing.

 

On the other hand, because weapons *are* complicated, the play does need some monitoring because certain personality types and situations can lead to a obssessiveness and exclusionary play that is not healthy. A child needs to play "cop" but also teacher, nurse, parent, jedi and farmer.

 

I tend to think of where sex is a subject never to be breached or even hinted at as another situation where a particular behaviour is hyper-focused on.

[jenniferlee]

Joanne,

thanks for the explanation. That does make a lot of sense. I don't think that is our case, mainly because we've kept our opinions to ourselves beyond the occasional reminder that real weapons do kill people etc. We've been fairly supportive of them playing with their toy weapons, but we're questioning whether we've let something in to our family that is destructive ultimately and whether we should be rethinking it.

It is complicated by the fact that the 11yo is a very obsessive personality in all areas of his life. So he takes everything further than seems good. And it's so all or nothing with him. Which makes it hard to make compromising decisions. Redirecting him is basically impossible at times.

But I don't want to crack down too hard on something that is normal - its just not knowing what is normal, kwim?

Thanks again for you input, everyone. It helps to know what other families do/think. Sometimes I feel like we're so on our own.

 

Jen

[kitten18]

Have you read 'Boys Adrift' by Leonard Sax? He addresses gun play and all the other "violent" things that boys do. It definitely reassured me that much of it is normal.

 

I checked it out on audiobook from the library, it was either through Netlibrary or Overdrive, I can't remember.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Mine also pretend to mace, knife and bludgeon one another. The three year old is obsessed with slaying monsters. Where does it come from??? We're not violent people. Not watching violent shows or video games. Two of mine (both girls with eager to please temperaments) haven't enjoyed this but the other five are a scary group.:D

[NanceXToo]

Normal, and it's never bothered me, whether my kids have toy guns, or make pretend guns out of sticks, or whatever. When I was a kid, we had cap guns and so on, played cops and robbers, I wrote gory horror stories in later elementary school... I think we grew up okay lol.

[lea1]

My two 5.5 YO's have toy guns, swords, armor, pirate and cowboy dress up clothes, etc. They go through phases where they play it a lot but it is normally after we have read Peter Pan, something cowboy related or something like that. They love to pretend everything they read or movies they watch.

 

And then, they move on to Legos, Lincoln Logs, puzzles or whatever catches their attention next.

 

If it is something new, such as a new book/movie, new dress up clothes or new toy, then they are more likely to play with it a lot, at least for a few days.

 

I love to watch them bring to life what we have read or what they have seen in a movie (and we are very selective on what and how often they watch). Especially with books as it shows me how much they understood and retained, to some extent.

 

One of my sons was really obsessed with David and Goliath for a long time when he was pretty young. He would have watch the video every day if we had let him and he wanted someone to act it out with him often. He knew all the words and if we did not say it right he would correct us. I was not sure if he would ever get past that one but, thankfully, he finally did.:tongue_smilie:

[Pretty in Pink]

I think it's fairly normal for most boys (I don't have girls yet and no experience with how girls play) to experiment with a lot of weapons play. If it gets to be too much for me then I just give them something else to do for a little while.