Shy boy needs help!

[ALove]

My oldest son is six and a half years old. And he is, to the bone, a "slow to warm up" child. So slow to warm up that, generally speaking, the event or opportunity passes him by. He's been this way since infancy.

Now that he's going into second grade there are things that I really value but can't convince him to try. Namely, piano lessons and SOME team sport...any team sport. Actually any sport, period. These are both best started out around his age and I want him to have the opportunity to really excel in these areas, I think he has a knack for both, actually.

I don't know what to do...how I can help him gain confidence and courage...

Anyone had success in a similar situation?

[Susan C.]

Don't try to change him! Both of my kids (now grown and almost grown) are creative, and very to themselves. They enjoy their friends, but not every day. They were quite a challenge when they were little, meltdowns at the park (too many people), etc.

 

Ds (in college) ended up liking golf and bike riding. Sports, but not team. He did swim for awhile, but we opted out of the swim meets. He turned out fine as his unique wonderful self.

[veggiegal]

My now 9 year old was very much like this--and from toddlerhood, at least. We'd go a playgroup, and all the toddler and preschoolers would wander around in a large group, playing with one thing, than another. My son would be off on his own look at bugs on a bush. :tongue_smilie:

 

We've done several things that I feel have helped him a lot. We found a homeschool drama class which was wonderful for him and helped bring him out of his shell--the fact that he was 'pretending' rather than 'being him' definitely helped. We put him in Sportball (do you have anything similar near you?) which was excellent: the coaches/teachers were fantastic, and there was a low kid/teacher ratio. It gave my son not only basic ball skills across a wide variety of sports, it taught him how to join in. We also--where possible--put him in classes with a friend. We met some great people at various homeschool events (like park days), including one boy my son gets along with fabulously. The beginning of him doing classes we tried to do family classes, so my hubby or I were there to mediate, and then we gradually tried to 'fade away' as my son got comfortable seeing the same kids each week. Good luck.

[ALove]

. We found a homeschool drama class which was wonderful for him and helped bring him out of his shell--the fact that he was 'pretending' rather than 'being him' definitely helped. We put him in Sportball (do you have anything similar near you?) which was excellent:

 

Those sound great...how did you get your son to do a drama class?! I would die and go to heaven if my guy would do that! There are a few of his friends that he will consider following into a class or sport but he always decides not to at the last minute.

 

I need to make the first step out of the cycle. We do try some things with parents and one co op where is not with me but other then that he's just so resistant.

When he was smaller we were wondering if he was on the autism spectrum. I

don't think he is since there are no other areas that are effected.

Those are great ideas and I will have to try them out...but first I'll have to talk to him about it. Oi.

[happypamama]

This is my 6yo boy. Very shy, very slow to warm up to new people/situations, very cuddly, very much a mama's boy. (Also sweet and sensitive and delightful and fairly non-challenging to parent.) He really needed extra time to be the baby and to be allowed to spread his wings at his own pace. He was not comfortable going to co-op class with other boys his age last year, because it meant leaving me and his little brother, even though we were right across the hall. However, he decided that when he was six, he'd go, and sure enough, right after his birthday, he decided he was ready, and he had a great time. But I think if I'd forced him to go, that would have been disastrous.

 

My daughter's been doing dance class for years, where I just wait in the waiting room, and my son is fairly athletic, so I think he would benefit from some sort of team sport as well. I've broached the possibility of soccer to him a few times in the past, and he's immediately vetoed it. Now he is considering it for the fall, since DH or I could be on the sidelines during practice where he could see us. But letting him take his time to decide about things is good for him, I think.

[OH_Homeschooler]

That's tough. I don't think you can or should try to change him. Being an introvert is a basic character trait and as an introvert I have found that extraverts (like my big sister!) think there is something wrong with me. There is not! I am a thoughtful person and I laugh a lot and I open up to people when I feel safe doing so. In return, I have not been burned by tons of people I thought were friends.

 

But I do get being afraid of your son missing out on opportunities. Why do you think he has a knack for piano or sports? I ask because even though I was very shy, I also sought out any extra-curricular activity I could as a kid. I liked to learn new things. I was in band from 4th grade on and Girl Scouts and by the time I was in high school I was in so many clubs. Most were academic-based (probably more loaded up with introverts than many other opportunities) but I still had fun and felt comfortable. I was able to overcome any shyness because I was just so interested in what these activities had to offer. So, are you sure your son WANTS to play piano or sports? Are there other activities he is more interested in? Once he finds some interest in something he will probably start to feel more safe and see his network grow.

[ALove]

I completely agree about not changing him! This is so ingrained that I couldn't even if I wanted to! I have some introvert tendencies myself so I can sympathize.

I think he would be good at piano because he has an amazing ear. He remembers music so clearly. My husband and I are both musical so it's possible that will get passed down. He has a much better ear and pitch then any of the other kids. He would love to play the piano, he is just "too embarrarssed to try". I've started him on recorder as a warm up. The problem is that he gets angry if he messes up and then embarrassed and then won't try anymore.

Actually, the same with sports. He cant seem to fail and get back up. He's fast and strong for his age and loves to play backyard sports with dad but put him in a game with other kids and he freezes. And goodness help us if he doesn't do as well as the other kids...his confidence is shot down so easily.

He does not do well, confidence wise, with male peers. He's more comfortable with girls. What could that mean?

He's my great mystery.

[ALove]

He has also begun using baby talk when uncomfortable. It is very annoying since he is uncomfortable quite often. But it's just another way of coping with his discomfort and I wish I had other tools to give him...less annoying ones :).

[Pretty in Pink]

I have an introvert, too. I would give your ds several activities to choose from and ask him which he would like to try first. Only have him start one new activity this fall if that's all he is comfortable with. It may help if that activity is small-group oriented and focused on individual achievement (so maybe an art class of, say, six or eight students, or gymnastics or martial arts, rather than soccer or baseball). Make sure he gets some down time afterwards if the social interaction leaves him feeling drained or crabby.

[wapiti]

I have some very introverted kids and I am introverted myself. I agree with all the PPs about not trying to change him.

 

About piano lessons, in our house that is considered an academic subject and the decision about whether to do lessons or not is not open for discussion. (I'm quite sure at least one of them told me no.) They have a private lesson with a teacher. Would he not be willing to do that, even if you sat in the next room waiting (though for some kids, mom-within-earshot makes it worse)? In our family, I basically ordered them to do it, LOL, but they had the comfort of three of them doing it together.

 

I think group activities may be more difficult than individual ones. IMO, at his age, I'd try the piano lessons anyway and see what happens. It's all about getting to know the teacher. You could take him to meet her a few times before the lessons started.

 

We're now at a point where they're too comfortable with her, and we had to set out more rules on proper behavior, i.e., ditch the attitude LOL.

 

Another possibility would be finding a piano teacher to come to your house. I honestly don't think of an individual thing like piano lessons as something I'd let slide due to shyness.

 

It sounds like he has a lovely case of perfectionism, and I'd say to nip that in the bud immediately, except that it's more of a lifelong battle :glare:. It's not unusual for perfectionism to be combined with introversion. Playing an instrument can be immensely beneficial in that regard, because it requires work to overcome the challenge, and then each weekly challenge is an example of what is possible when one tries, in spite of the fact that it seemed so impossible before. For one of my kids, working on perfectionism issues is a very significant reason why I require him to continue with piano (he'd like to quit). Understanding that knowledge isn't acquired instantaneously, and understanding the value of work and practice, are both critical life lessons.

 

just my two cents :)

[veggiegal]

I put my son in drama because I thought he would love it. My son loves silliness and games and is high energy at home--but he really does not do well in competitive environments, or big groups (the drama class had 8-10 kids). So drama where it was all about games and fun activities with lots of physical movement but no competition I thought would be perfect for him--this class was not about some grand performance at the end. And, yes, this was one class where I 'pushed' him. I signed him up, and told him he would try the first class and see how it went. (We have a family rule about not deciding you don't like something without trying it first; take a bite, and then if you don't like it, fine.) My son was very nervous the first class (I think he was 6)--it helped that his outgoing younger brother had done a drama class the session before, at age 4, and I had done a lot of drama in school and gave him an idea of what to expect--but he came out of class grinning ear to ear and saying, "You know, I thought I wouldn't like it Mom, but I liked it. It was really fun! We played....."

 

I can't say how this would work with your child, of course, and while I would not normally 'push' a kid into an optional activity like this (at the time I considered myself an unschooler and had many wars within myself about this drama class), I also knew that ds(now)9 was a kid that would not simply 'try knew things when he was ready'. It wasn't his orientation to the world. So it was about striking a balance--try it, and let's see; if you really don't like it that's ok. I reminded him of other things he'd tried recently for the first time that he enjoyed. And he's taken drama ever since. In fact, he played the lead in his most recent class performance (now at a more complex level), something I NEVER would have thought him capable of years ago.

 

BTW, I've had the same concerns re: autism spectrum with my son. I don't want to change my son from who he is, but I do want to help him find environments in which he flourishes. And I am not convinced he would have tried drama or sportball (or art class, or nature camp, or...) without a small push from me. And he loves them all now. Other things we've tried, not so much. And that's ok. I wanted to get him to place where he was saying "I tried it, but it's not for me" rather than "It's not for me (even though I've never tried it as I am too scared / shy)".

[Rosie_0801]

He has also begun using baby talk when uncomfortable. It is very annoying since he is uncomfortable quite often. But it's just another way of coping with his discomfort and I wish I had other tools to give him...less annoying ones :).

 

Sounds like you're pushing too hard. You might not be pushing at all, but he's feeling as though you are. The others have given some great advice, but if you feel like they are step two of a plan, but he needs a step one:

 

Try and make your involvement in the community less personal. Don't try to put him somewhere he can shine, because he doesn't want to at the moment. Trust that he'll let you know when he wants to. There are things to be a part of that are not personal. Try taking him to festivals, concerts and such. All he has to do to be a part of those things is wander about holding your hand and look at stuff. Go to markets and shop at small shops instead of supermarkets, if you can. The staff will get to know you quickly and before you know it, you are part of the community.

 

Rosie

[OrdinaryTime]

Fancy bumping into you here!

 

I was just going to say my DS6, whom you well know to be about the most opposite personality of your DS as possible, has started talking in babytalk a lot lately. Maybe that particular concern is just a normal phase for this age as they emerge out of "little" kid-dom into an older stage. Or , and this is very likely in my case, the baby is getting so much attention with her babytalk that he is just imitating for attention.

[OrganicAnn]

I was shy growing up and at one time read a lot about shyness. First there are introverts and extroverts. There is also shyness. Shyness is a group of coping behaviors. Introverts often use these type of behaviors. You can learn new/different behaviors for dealing with situations. You can't change an introvert into an extravert. I think that is what is important to keep in mind. So I would try to look at situations and help you son come up with better ways to cope with them. A typical one is meeting a new person. Instead of hiding behind someone. You practice/roll play saying hello, how are you, I am fine, my name is xxx, I am 6 years old. But do it in a real relaxed way. You practice with people/situation that are low stress (at grandma's, church etc).

[eternalknot]

Instead of committing to an entire fall or spring season of a team sport, why not take advantage of the summer sports camps? It might prove less intimidating for him (one week, he can compromise and agree to a week - right?) plus the environment is more instructional-for-all than it is performing-independent-of-one-another (which seems good for a perfectionist).

 

My introvert agreed to a weeklong camp last year (at 5) and dreaded it up through the second day. She didn't fight going that week, but she was ever nervous and seemed very inscecure about it. Strangely, though, once it wrapped up ... that week was all she could talk about. She still refers back to it, excitedly, but to have seen her the week of camp one might have thought we were sending her to a torture chamber. Go figure.

 

Anyhow, just a thought that might help balance your desires with his needs. It worked for us :)

[msk]

My oldest sounds similar to your son, although she's only 5. I agree that introverts don't become extroverts, but I also think there's value to making sure a shy kid has a chance to acquire the skills they need in order to join in, if and when they choose to join.

 

For us, a class in which she regularly interacted with the same group of kids helped immensely, although it took quite a while. Over the course of about 9 months she gradually lost a lot of her nervousness. She's still definitely an introvert, but now she can join in a group activity when she feels like it, even with strangers. It's still a bit of an effort for her, but she now knows she can do it if she really wants to.

 

If the competition aspect of sports seems like it will make things harder, is there some kind of group music class he could try first? Like a choir or something?

 

My daughter actually does better in these situations if I wait somewhere she can't see me rather than waiting in the area she's in, once she's gotten to know the adult in charge (she seems less shy with adults than kids). YMMV though, depending on how your son is with adults.

[ALove]

Fancy bumping into you here!

 

I was just going to say my DS6, whom you well know to be about the most opposite personality of your DS as possible, has started talking in babytalk a lot lately. Maybe that particular concern is just a normal phase for this age as they emerge out of "little" kid-dom into an older stage. Or , and this is very likely in my case, the baby is getting so much attention with her babytalk that he is just imitating for attention.

 

Hello friend! I was wondering if I would ever see you around here. I think it's weird and funny that we found each other over six year old baby talk. Kids are so weird,

[ALove]

(one week, he can compromise and agree to a week - right?) :)

This cracked me up because that is exactly the point on which we are at a deadlock. If I could get him to do that then I would think that we were out of the woods and would just give it time. I can't even get him to try one day of the week long camp, not one day.

Not one single piano lesson.

In fact, a year and half ago we tried to get him to join the homeschool soccer league (very lowkey) and he was resistant (to put it mildly) so we just put him in the car, thinking that he just needed the extra push. When we got there and the other kids came on the field my husband suggested that he go out and kick the ball around with the other kids...his response? To roll himself into a ball on the ground. We went a couple more times that season and then retreated and didn't try anything of the sort all last year.

That was when he was not quite five though, he's now 6 1/2.

Yesterday we had a swim lesson...only him, his sister and a friend who he is very comfortable with...no one else there. It took him 28 minutes until he put his feet him the water. By the end he got into the water but didn't do anything. It's not that he never warms up...it just takes soooooooo longgggggg that whatever it is that he's trying is over before he begins!

Sorry for all the examples...this was a little verbal vomiting on my part. I'm just trying to work through it all.

[ALove]

I was shy growing up and at one time read a lot about shyness. First there are introverts and extroverts. There is also shyness. Shyness is a group of coping behaviors. Introverts often use these type of behaviors. You can learn new/different behaviors for dealing with situations. You can't change an introvert into an extravert. I think that is what is important to keep in mind. So I would try to look at situations and help you son come up with better ways to cope with them. A typical one is meeting a new person. Instead of hiding behind someone. You practice/roll play saying hello, how are you, I am fine, my name is xxx, I am 6 years old. But do it in a real relaxed way. You practice with people/situation that are low stress (at grandma's, church etc).

Do you have any recommendations for reading on the topic? I would never want to turn him into an extrovert, as you say. But I'm certain that there are things I could do to teach him normal social interaction. ALL I'm shooting for is the normal spectrum of shy...nervous, awkward...this is all fine! I would love to have a shy kid, right now I have a paralyzed kid. I simply want him to stop passing everything and everybody by because he can't face it.

Any reading suggestions would be wonderful.