Coping with intensity

[Guest brissieyan]

Hi,

I have 4 children aged 8 1/2, 7, 4 1/2 and 18 months who have always been homeschooled (or will be) and we live in Brisbane, Australia. I am a first-time poster but longtime lurker and am struggling with an issue that I haven't seen addressed here yet. Hopefully you have some wonderful tips since I'm guessing many others have BTDT.

 

Each of my children is very different in nature but they are all the same in that they are very emotionally and physically intense. I am finding myself exhausted by the intensity of emotions in our household almost on a daily basis. My husband and I sometimes joke between ourselves that we are raising 4 "more" children. They always want more! This has made me start to wonder if our situation is normal or if I have created an environment where they feel so comfortable dumping all of their excessive emotions on me that they are not learning to deal with them themselves. I realise that they are young (and I am only talking about the older three in this expectation) but when do you think is an appropriate time to learn an element of self-control over emotions? Do you have any tips or personal experience about what has been helpful in moderating the intensity of your home.

 

I'm sorry but this has been a difficult issue for me to put into words so if I am unclear please let me know.

 

Thanks so much, :001_smile:

Yan

[Embassy]

I am curious about other responses because we deal with this in our home. I've taken the stance of teaching my children that their depth of feeling is "normal" and a part of who they are and there is nothing wrong with feeling deeply or strongly. At the same time I teach them appropriate and inappropriate ways to express those feelings to others. I try to distinguish between feelings and actions. In other words feeling intensely angry is fine, but hitting others in response to that anger isn't acceptable. I also try to let natural consequences be the teacher and have them make amends for situations in which they expressed themselves in a way that has impacted negatively on others. As for crying over things or an exaggerated response to some incident I try to be more understanding. Sometimes a hug is all it takes.

 

As for an age to expect self-control? I'm not sure. I do expect self-control to grow as my children grow. It may grow with baby steps, but I do have increased expectations as they grow.

[LittleIzumi]

I am curious about other responses because we deal with this in our home. I've taken the stance of teaching my children that their depth of feeling is "normal" and a part of who they are and there is nothing wrong with feeling deeply or strongly. At the same time I teach them appropriate and inappropriate ways to express those feelings to others. I try to distinguish between feelings and actions. In other words feeling intensely angry is fine, but hitting others in response to that anger isn't acceptable. I also try to let natural consequences be the teacher and have them make amends for situations in which they expressed themselves in a way that has impacted negatively on others. As for crying over things or an exaggerated response to some incident I try to be more understanding. Sometimes a hug is all it takes.

 

As for an age to expect self-control? I'm not sure. I do expect self-control to grow as my children grow. It may grow with baby steps, but I do have increased expectations as they grow.

 

Agreed. Dd can yell as much as she wants--but she has to do it in her room. When she calms down, she is welcome to come rejoin us. Clearly explained consequences help, too, at least for the next time around. Mostly she needs LOTS of stimulation in a controlled environment, and then time to freak out in her room until she's gotten herself under control. A lot of the time all she needs is a hug as well, even when it's me she's mad at. She is only 3 right now though. I have a book coming on "Taming the Spirited Child" about helping them with control without breaking their beautiful strong spirits. I'll see what it says.

[Desert Rat]

This is what I have done. In my situation I have a kid who cries for every negativ emotion. He's sad, frustrated, embarassed, aggrevated, angry, hurt.... It's a bit much. Now, if he's sad or hurt, we always give him attention. But, starting around 7 yo, we taught him time and place. He needs to learn how to handle negative emotions without crying. We've been consistent with sending him to his room until he's together or, in public, I get him to the car or outside as quickly as I can. I've left entire grocery carts. We've bowed out in the middle of taekwondo class.

This has been successful for us. Now, at 11, he is much better at controlling his emotions and dealing with them in a healthier way. I notice he verbalizes more. "I am frustrated!" That kind of thing. We talk it out and help him deal with it. I am in no way trying to get him to swallow those emotions or "toughen up".

I don't know if this helps you in anyway. This has just been my personal experience with a highly emotional child. I think talking about the emotions and how to properly handle them is so important.

HTH

[acurtis75]

I'm not sure there is an exact age for learning self-control but I don't think it's every too early to start discussing it. I have a very emotionally intense 6 year old (she cries about everything!) and we've been talking and helping her develop self-control as long as I can remember. We frequently discuss the fact that it's okay to feel like crying because we told you to go to bed but it's not okay to be led by those emotions and/or throw a fit. Emotions are fine as long as they are controlled...we often discuss with her the fact that if her emotions are controlling her she won't make wise decisions. This is a topic that we have to address multiple times per day at our house but we've seen some improvement on her part over the last few months where we can "see" her desire to cry but controlling herself.

 

 

We are a Bible teaching home and two of the resources we've used to help shape our family plan for how to deal with her emotions are Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. I'm sure if you are a secular home there are similar resources for dealing with self-control.

[serendipitous journey]

My 5-yo is quite intense, too. We've been working on self-control since he was a toddler. I think sometime before he turned two: sometimes he would accidentally hurt me, and then when I said "ouch!" he'd get so upset he hit me! and that was the start of Managing Emotions 101.

 

I agree with the "time and place" post. We emphasize that the emotions themselves are just fine, but that certain responses are simply not; we work on not allowing hurtful behavior or words. A week ago I'd have said we simply don't allow hurtful behavior/words, but he's been cracking up the past couple of days; not hitting, but yelling at us (his parents) and essentially losing it.

 

I myself get so very angry at him sometimes, and work hard not to let my own emotions cloud my judgment. Ideally I would be helping him to grow, not head-butting.

 

What has helped me is trying for the long view (helping him grow into a certain sort of person); biting my tongue (I try to give him some space in the actual moment when he's cracking up, even if we enforce a firm limit because of his behavior); sometimes labeling my own struggles to him (in an age-appropriate way; I may say to him that I'm feeling very angry because of _____ and I'm not sure what to do to, or something like that) and working to follow meltdowns up with some sort of relationship-building. The whole thing is exhausting. But worth it in those moments when it all comes together.

 

also: I hope he appreciates me when he grows up!!!!! ;)

[jenbrdsly]

Have you seen the Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted site? http://www.sengifted.org/ It has a whole bunch of information on intensity.