5LittleMonkeys Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 My father-in-law is undergoing brain surgery today. Two days ago he became disoriented and didn't know who his wife was, where he was...they discovered he had a golf ball size tumor in his frontal lobe. They feel the surgery will go well but said the risk of stroke is very high after the surgery. They also don't know if he will loose some abilities after the surgery; talking, feeding himself, personal hygiene, walking are all at risk. My mother-in-law is just recovering from stage 4 throat cancer, has a trach, recently broke her collar-bone and is in no way capable of taking care of him. If he survives the surgery and post surgery they will more than likely have to move in with someone. The yougest sibling said she would take her dad but not her mom (she is a piece of work...treats her mom like cr*p). Regardless FIL and MIL don't want to be separated; they've been married 50 years. Oldest sibling offered to move them in but FIL and MIL don't like all the animals (6 cats, 3 harry dogs), and don't get along well with their young adult dc. They asked if they could live with us if they can't continue living on their own. They have lived with us before. It was difficult. My emotions are all over the place right now. I feel so bad for FIL, my heart is breaking for dh (he has no vacation or $ to go see him), my dc will be devastated if he passes, I worry about MIL because she is so dependent on FIL for everything and right now she is with youngest sibling who treats her badly, as much as I want to do the right thing and take them in I can't deny the dread I feel. They are not easy to live with and we barely have enough room for my dc (4 of them are already doubled up). We would have to empty out the office which is right off the open living, dining and kitchen area. It is going to completely affect how we live our lives. FIL is looking at atleast a year of chemo\radiation treatments if he survives the surgery. I have no idea how this is going to affect my dc. I'll be completley honest with all of you, my online friends, because I can't do this to dh right now...I'm scared. I want to do what is right, I want to help take care of dh's parents at this time of their lives when they need help, but I don't want to loose my life as I know it, I don't want my dc to loose their lives as they know it. I don't want my dc to have to tiptoe around the house being quiet and still so that they don't disturb FIL when he doesn't feel good. I'm rambling now. So, I have all these emotions and then I feel guilty because all of that is nothing compared to FIL's life. I know I can do what needs to be done when the time comes and I just pray that if it does come to them moving in with us that I can have a pure, peaceful, and compassionate heart. If you would please pray for and send positive thoughts to my FIL's surgery to be succesful and for him to have no complications post surgery. Also, send thought and prayers my way that I can cope with anything that is to come with patience and compassion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I am sorry you are going thru this. Don't beat yourself up for being honest about what you can or cannot handle. It is not an easy situation you are facing if they do move in. Think of it this way: would it be best for THEM to move in? Perhaps not. Maybe they would not get the quiet and rest they need with young children around. Maybe they would need more privacy. So many times we hear about selfless people who take in and care for family members, or see depictions of it on T.V. (I'm thinking the Waltons) and it all sounds so nice and heartfelt. But maybe that is because it worked for their personality, lifestyle, home set-up, and abilities. If that doesn't work for you on some or all of those levels, then staying with you might not be in their best interest too. I know that personally I would have a hard time with it. And you are not a bad person if you feel you cannot handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle in AL Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Prayed for you all. I've taken care of my FIL after he broke his back and again after a MD perforated his colon. He lived with us for 3 months. Taking care of your parents and hsÃng and having children is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You just feel so pulled in different directions. We eventually placed my FIL in assisted living. He is happy there. Would that be a possibility for your parents? We did find out that veterans, even if they weren't active in a war are eligible for assistance that mostly covered the cost of this. It does take a few months to go through and they have to basically liquidate all their assests. Just throwing that idea out there in case it would fit your situation someday when everyone is healthier. I did find some positives in it. My kids learned compassion. One moved out of her room without ever complaining. We all grew closer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted April 14, 2011 Author Share Posted April 14, 2011 Thank you both. I don't know about the assisted living. Dh's older sibling said she thought it may pay for FIL to be in assisted living but not MIL to be with him. I just don't think it would be good for either of them to be apart but it may be something we will look into further. As far as if living with us would be the best thing for them...I think they think it would be. They liked living with us before. They love being around our dc and I have always, even when they annoy the poo out of me, gone out of my way to be kind to them and make them feel welcome in my home. (Even when I felt like they were trying to take over my house.) I've learned to be more firm with them since that time and they have become more mellow in their behavior so perhaps it would work out better this time. I know my three youngest would be in heaven to have their "MamMam" here to fuss over them, play games with them and read stories to them. She and I have our differences but she is a wonderful grandmother. As of now he has been in surgery for 3 hours and we haven't heard anything. It's hard not being able to be there (they are in FL\we are in TN). My poor dh had to go to work today...he is exhausted. Oldest sibling said that MIL had to be given a sedative...my heart is breaking for her. I honestly don't know that she would live long if he were to pass. Thanks for letting me ramble here. Like I said, I can't lay all this on dh right now...it helps to be able to get it off my chest though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 Update. We just heard that FIL is out of surgery. They were only able to remove 80% of the tumor. It is fast growing and agressive. He has a high chance of dying from a stroke. If he doesn't have a stroke, even with agressive chemo and radiation, they've given him a 12 month prognosis. They said that is being optomistic. Everyone is devastated because they were expecting the best. Dh and I were the only ones considering worse case. His doctor advises against him moving here because they don't want to delay chemo and radiation at all...they want to start it immediately so as to give him as much time as possible. I don't know what living arrangements are going to take place. Oldest sibling was about to be laid off from a high paying job anyway so she thinks she might be able to ask for an early lay off so she could move in with them and be the caregiver until his time. This would displace her from her dh and two older dc (they live in another state). Youngest sibling begrudgingly said she would take them both but MIL gets very upset about that option. I suppose its out of our hands since he can't be moved here. I thought I would feel relieved that they wouldn't be moving in with us but I just feel horrible now that I can't do anything to help. I feel so bad for everyone...so much sadness and hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarfoot Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 :grouphug: Praying for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I'm so sorry, Aime. Praying for all of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 How horrible on so many levels :grouphug: I am so very very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momofeat Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Praying! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: Aime and DH :grouphug: A couple of years ago my Dad, who has been healthy all his life, had bypass surgery, hernia surgery, and knee surgery within a six month period. My parents live in FL and I live in Oregon. It was frustrating being so far away and unable to help. Wishing you all the best. Edited April 15, 2011 by PollyOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*~Tina~* Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I am sorry you are going thru this. Don't beat yourself up for being honest about what you can or cannot handle. It is not an easy situation you are facing if they do move in. . :iagree: Sending prayers up :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 Thank you all. I'm trying to keep spirits up here. We told the dc and answered their questions. We believe that passing isn't the end so that gives us and our dc comfort. We talked about ways to make FIL's remaining time as joyful as we can from where we are. We talked about ways to save money to go see "PaPa" in June. This is so hard though. We've never lost anyone in our family. Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts. It means a great deal to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I'm truly sorry for you and your family :( Wishing you happy memories... and calmness ... and rest ... to help you through this time ... So Sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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