Merry Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 My daughter is graduating from college in May and my son is getting married in June so I am having to figure out whom to send the wedding invitations to. My dd needs to know whom to send the graduation invitations to also. Our problem is that most of our relatives and many of our friends live far away. We know that most of them are not likely to come to either of the ceremonies. So do we still send them the invitations anyway? We don't want to look like we are asking for gifts but neither do we want to assume that they are not coming when they might surprise us. My other son had gotten married a few years ago so I tried asking a sister in law for some of her adult children's addresses so that I could mail the wedding invitations to them. My ds had just met the children the previous summer at a family reunion so I thought it would be nice to have the kids get the invitations even if they might not go to the wedding which was in another state but the sil was furious with me for asking her for the addresses. Apparently I insulted her for asking her even though I was trying to not leave anyone out so this time I am nervous about assuming anything and possibly hurting other people's feelings either by sending them invitations or not. I need some guidelines. Help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 :grouphug: send invitations to the people you would like to have there. or send invitations to the people you are related to that miss manners would tell you you ought to invite. how they react is up to them. good luck! focus on making the day special for your children, and the rest will be what it will be. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I grew up with family in several states. The s.o.p. in our family was to send invites to everyone with the understanding that attendance and gifts were not expected. It was just keeping everyone up-to-date and was in addition to other keeping-in-touch. Now that there are many more of us spread over more states, I don't do this and I prefer to not receive invites. It's nice to know my cousin is now a grandmother but I don't need an invite to a shower being held 300 miles away. It seems wasteful to send an invite and it's the only correspondence we receive. In your situation, I would send a photocopied letter to the far away family, sort of a 'Christmas letter' type thing (without the bragging ;)) This would be along the lines of 'just wanted to share what's going on' and 'of course, if you might be in the area you are welcome to join us at either event...just give us a call by May 30th. I'd also include separate photos of the couple and the graduate (printed as part of the letter). I would send official invites to the people you know would like to be there. Hope this helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 as Miss Manners says, we do have to invite certain relatives whether or not we want them there. I do know to invite those. As for the rest, I'm not sure how they would feel if I send them a photocopied letter instead of an invitation. Will they think that they don't rate a formal invitation? Maybe I am over thinking this. It sounds like a great idea but I would just send an email or put it on the face book if I'm going to be that casual. It's those relatives that are borderline between being indifferent or interested that I wonder about. I guess it's just up to me to make the judgement calls. Is it a good idea to ask them before I send them invitations? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 If you want to invite someone to your child's wedding, you invite them. If they don't want to go, they don't have to go. they have no reason to be annoyed at the invite. They also don't have to send a gift, and I think most people understand that a gift is a lovely gesture but not a required one when a person is not accepting an invitation. But either way, none of this is your problem. You send an invitation and then the ball is in their court. Some people enjoy sending gifts. I definitely would not send invitations to showers to people I suspect can't attend and wouldn't want to. I would not include information about registry in a wedding invitation (I am sure you know that, but some people actually do it). I would just send the wedding invitation if you want, and let it go. I didn't send graduation announcements out to anyone except grandparents, aunts and uncles. For almost everyone I know, graduation is an understood and expected accomplishment. I think all my friends know my son is graduating from high school, none of them would dream of attending the ceremony (the horror, lol) and it just seemed sort of unnecessary and a little tacky to send out an announcement. I only ordered them at all because one set of aunts and uncles expect it. I probably would get a cute photo of your family with the graduate and include it with a Christmas card. That way everyone sees the new graduate but you haven't implied it's gift giving occasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) ... Edited September 7, 2023 by J-rap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 We send wedding invitations to everyone, even the ones we're pretty sure can't make it. We send graduation *announcements* to everyone; but we send *invitations* only to those who live close enough who might want to and be able to attend...whatever we're doing to celebrate/recognize/whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I wouldn't worry about it - send to everyone that you think will want to be invited, or at least know about the event. I've never received an announcement/invitation that I took as offensive or as asking for a gift. For my dd's graduation, we are sending out combined graduation announcements/invitation to the party even though I know distant relatives will not attend. It is way more cost effective to have the invite printed on the back, than have a separate invite. I'm a little unsure about sending it to the distant relatives, but I asked my mom about a few of the "iffy" ones and she told me to send them. I think *she* sends gifts to all of their children for every occasion, so she wants to make sure it's even. :) We're not quite done with the announcements yet, but I think they'll have a blurb about where she's attending college in the fall. So my rationale is that we see/correspond with these people so infrequently, that I'm sure they would like an update and a picture of dd's smiling face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 We send wedding invitations to everyone, even the ones we're pretty sure can't make it. We send graduation *announcements* to everyone; but we send *invitations* only to those who live close enough who might want to and be able to attend...whatever we're doing to celebrate/recognize/whatever. On the receiving end, are you obligated to send a gift (according to Miss Manners) if you receive a graduation invite/announcement or a wedding invite? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 No, you are not obligated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 No, you are not obligated. Thank you!:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kareni Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 On the receiving end, are you obligated to send a gift (according to Miss Manners) if you receive a graduation invite/announcement or a wedding invite? No, you need not send a gift; however, a card or letter with well wishes is always welcome. Regards, Kareni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted April 9, 2011 Author Share Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) Ok, thanks for your help. I am now making up my list. Edited April 9, 2011 by Merry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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