I am so angry that I'm shaking!

[Mrs Mungo]

Every time we spent the night with my mom's mom she said "don't let her cut your hair!!"

[Remudamom]

"Babushka is delusional"!!!!

 

I'm laughing my donkey off here.

[jujsky]

Every time we spent the night with my mom's mom she said "don't let her cut your hair!!"

 

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

[Mrs Mungo]

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

 

Now, *that* would make me more mad. That is disrespecting *his own* personal boundaries as well as mine. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I have a really hard time answering these grandparent questions. We have not lived close to either set of grandparents since we were married and had kids. So, I sort of let the grandparents have their way when we're back home. :tongue_smilie:

[eternalknot]

I'm sorry you're so upset about this. I empathize. Even knowing that it's just hair, and it will grow back, ... the issue goes way deeper than that.

 

My MIL tried to have my kids vaccinated. The doctor (her tenant, and friend of 20 years) laughed her out of his office. She also tried to pierce my daughter's ears, but my son intervened and stopped it from happening. I meant to buy him a dog or pony or something for that, ....

 

She now gets visits with the kids, but only supervised. Sadly for all, this has reduced the number of overall visits the kids get with her; she lives out of state and a visit means either myself or their dad has to take time off from work to also fly out and stay for the entire visit. It's unfortunate because this means the kids also miss out on more frequent visits with their dad's entire extended family, whom all live near my MIL. They used to fly out at least one weekend a month; now they're down to a few weeks, twice a year.

 

I'm glad you have your husband's support and shared feelings on this. Mine thought I was being mean and unreasonable until she undermined something that was important to him LOL. Now we're on the same page.

[Jean in Newcastle]

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

 

It's not just that he said no and she didn't listen. His hair is (in a way) a part of his body. I realize that just because she cut his hair doesn't mean that he's in danger of being molested but he said no about someone messing with his body and it was ignored.

[Geek]

My grandpa cut off my dad's beautiful blonde curls when he was little. My grandma is still mad. LOL

My husband did this to me when he cut off my 6yo's beautiful blond curls. Yes, I'm still mad, too. :glare:

 

:iagree: Not worth waging WWIII and permanent non-communication over the matter. Perhaps you could offer the kiddos to style or cut MIL's hair as a result? ;)

ROTFLOL

 

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

Now, *that* would make me more mad. You and me both, Mrs Mungo. I was ticked on your behalf, jujsky, but now it's personal. I have had issues with relatives who have ZERO sense of boundaries. I totally cut off contact for three years from my family of origin due to boundary challenges. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets the attention of people like that. They live in a box of their own making.

 

How dare she cut your son's hair when he asked her not to. If my mil did something like that she would instantly lose privileges with my children. Indefinitely.

 

If a child cannot have his or her "personal space NO" respected by an adult, imo that is abusive.

[meggie]

OP, good luck on your chat tomorrow. I am thinking this is the straw that broke the camel's back....again. It's not so much about the hair as the pattern of disrespect. Hopefully she will listen to you and take you seriously. Doesn't every grandmother know not to P.O. their DIL or DIL will restrict visits with the kids? My mom knows that. I had to send an email to my in laws to set some boundaries because they totally laughed off/ignored/thought DH was joking when he tried, and it worked, so here's hoping.

[eternalknot]

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

 

My MIL is like this, too.

 

I grew up in a home/culture that is very hierarchial. There are certain things you do not do or dream of saying to an elder. I'm raising my kids in that same manner. I used to fight with my husband about how rudely he spoke to his mother (his excuse? "That's the only way to get through to her!") ... here we are 15 years later, and you know what? He was right. I've given my kids permission to be overly assertive (but still not rude, that's not acceptable, ever IMO) when dealing with my MIL. They're allowed to walk away from her, to speak directly to her, to make eye contact and be firm with words to her. Things they're not allowed to do under normal circumstance with normal people.

 

My son is 10 and sees my MIL for what she is. He loves her dearly, but is already limiting the amount and type of interactions he has with her - because of how she discounts his feelings, his requests, etc. She shows her love by cooking; he'll eat if he's hungry, but won't if he's not. She gets pouty and upset if she spends all day in the kitchen cooking for him and he doesn't want it ... even if he's spent an hour telling her NOT to cook for him, and to come play a game or something instead. I'd say that it's been about a year now that he's realized what he's dealing with. I'm hopeful she doesn't push him apart entirely (the way she has her own kids) and I work with him to understand WHY she acts this way, and to focus on that instead. She means well, she ... just doesn't do well. Sigh.

 

Maybe in a few years your son will come to see his Babushka for who she is, too. And hopefully still love her lots, but to realize that her ignoring his wishes is more about her than it is him ... and he'll have your support to handle that any way he feels he has to. Even if, like my son, it means choosing to spend less one-on-one time with her until she can be respectful.

[weddell]

I agree with Perry. I'd tell her she is obviously not to be trusted alone with our kids as she blatantly disregards our wishes. Really, what's next? Stealth-christening? (as an example.) :glare:

 

My mom says my siblings and I were all probably "stealth baptized" by my grandma in the bathtub as babies. :001_huh:

[Jennifer3141]

He told my DH that he told his Babushka not to cut it. Apparently she didn't listen to him either. That also makes me mad that he said no and she didn't listen to him.

 

That would be the deal breaker for me permanently. That means your child is not safe there because his thoughts and feelings are completely disregarded. Just wow.

[Prudent]

Our kids don't have any interaction with one of their grandmothers for less than what you have endured.

 

I would be concerned about the message you are sending your children allowing grandma to constantly undermine your authority.

[Jen+4dc]

It's not just that he said no and she didn't listen. His hair is (in a way) a part of his body. I realize that just because she cut his hair doesn't mean that he's in danger of being molested but he said no about someone messing with his body and it was ignored.

:iagree::iagree: This is not something I could let pass with ds. He needs to understand it is HIS body and others must respect that!! (He's not in trouble, but he needs to know Mom and Dad will back him up and make sure he's okay in these situations, his feelings need to be validated).

 

 

If a child cannot have his or her "personal space NO" respected by an adult, imo that is abusive.

:iagree: I'm not saying she's molesting him, obviously, but this is a line that must not be crossed and MIL must understand that!

 

:grouphug: to the OP. I'm hoping you can have a calm, rational, and productive discussion with MIL about this!

[Geek]

 

That would be the deal breaker for me permanently. That means your child is not safe there because his thoughts and feelings are completely disregarded. Just wow.

:iagree: It is a safety issue. Once a child's "no" is disregarded once, it's easy to wonder "Has this happened before? Will it happen again? In what contexts?"

[jujsky]

Our kids don't have any interaction with one of their grandmothers for less than what you have endured.

 

I would be concerned about the message you are sending your children allowing grandma to constantly undermine your authority.

 

:iagree: That was actually a point I brought up with her a year or two ago when she disregarded my wish to always have them in car/booster seats. How can I expect the kids to follow our wishes and respect us as parents if she doesn't? What kind of a message is that sending to the kids? Believe me, I AM concerned about this. As we expressed to them before (though MIL refuses to believe there is anything wrong with son) boundaries are a big issue for kids with fetal alcohol effect. Not only do we have to be firm and consistent about DS's boundaries, we have to model firm and consistent boundaries in other aspects of his life. The kids already know my husband is not happy (based on the, "What the h*** did you do to my son?" "Babushka is delusional!" and "Don't worry, buddy -- we'll get your hair fixed," comments that DH made yesterday, as well as the loud and angry discussion they had in Russian). When they arrive today and are sent to the basement to watch a movie and told not to come up unless someone is bleeding, they will know we're not letting the ILs walk all over us.

 

Now one area where DH and I disagree is with DS telling his grandmother no. To me, that is a huge issue and DS should have been respected. DH says that if DS didn't want his hair cut, I would still make him get his hair-cut, so he doesn't see that as a violation. He thinks I'm making too big of a deal out of it, and we should focus on the biggest issue -- the fact that MIL disrespected our wishes and went behind our backs again. I feel there is a huge difference with a parent taking a child to get a haircut when they don't want one, and a grandparent cutting a child's hair against his will. Honestly, if DS wants his hair longer, I don't care --it's his hair -- but it does need to be trimmed while it's growing out so it doesn't look scraggly. I'm not sure how to handle this with MIL. I want to say something about it, DH doesn't think I should because he feels his mother will get side-tracked and not listen to what we're saying.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I want to say something about it, DH doesn't think I should because he feels his mother will get side-tracked and not listen to what we're saying.

 

Since the end result of either conversation would be that your MIL would not be allowed to do such a thing again, I'd listen to your dh on this one. I realize that I was one of the people to bring up the personal boundary issue but when culture and perhaps age makes it hard for them to see your point at all, it could derail the entire conversation.

[kalanamak]

I don't think so -- at least she's never played the money card. I think she knows if she did that I would never accept another penny from her.

 

I'm wondering if she is playing the money card in her heart.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm wondering if she is playing the money card in her heart.

 

I'm wondering if she's playing the Family Matriarch card. My MIL is Filipino, which is of course, very different from Russian, but both are, from what I understand, pretty matriarchal societies.