simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 If you saw my thread from last night...you know that dd was asked to be someone's girlfriend. Uggghhhh... Well, she knows she can't be his 'girlfriend' per se, but they do obviously have a crush on each other. I noticed when all the kids were playing out front last night that, that dd and this little boy were just walking around together chatting in their own little world. So, now I'm faced with considering some issues I hadn't considered in detail before. Here's what happened: today I let them go outside and play. I told dd that I wanted them to play as a group and that I didn't want her to "only" play with this little boy...basically, don't leave your brothers out. Within, a few minutes her brothers got in a tustle and I made them come inside. I made dd come in to, I'm not comfortable with her outside alone with this boy...but I feel awful!!!! Ugggghhhh....how do I do this?!!!! Should I let her play outside with him? (knowing these things fizzle out pretty quick and it's very innocent) Do I make her stay in the group? (and come in with her brothers) How do I explain that to her? I don't like this!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ugggghhhh....how do I do this?!!!! Should I let her play outside with him? (knowing these things fizzle out pretty quick and it's very innocent) Do I make her stay in the group? (and come in with her brothers) How do I explain that to her? I don't like this!!!!! How old is dd? This is what I would do. I have done something similar with my dd, who is 13, now, but has someone "special." I do make her stay with the group. Again, I don't know her age, but I have said to my dd, "You need to stay together with the group, otherwise it looks inappropriate. You don't spend alone time together at your age." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 So far we haven't had to deal with it but when the time comes we will be firm about staying with the group and not being alone with the "crushee". I do have to snort here...when I saw the thread title, my first thought was, "Well, eventually I hope my crush on Colin Firth goes away!" Silly me! Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 How old is dd? This is what I would do. I have done something similar with my dd, who is 13, now, but has someone "special." I do make her stay with the group. Again, I don't know her age, but I have said to my dd, "You need to stay together with the group, otherwise it looks inappropriate. You don't spend alone time together at your age." She will be 10 next month. Which means she has these feelings, but no concept of "inappropriate." (at least not in this context) That's what makes it confusing, she's so innocent...the boy is a decent sort...but....aaaaaagggghhhhhh! I can't get the words out :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 So far we haven't had to deal with it but when the time comes we will be firm about staying with the group and not being alone with the "crushee". I do have to snort here...when I saw the thread title, my first thought was, "Well, eventually I hope my crush on Colin Firth goes away!" Silly me! Faith So, she has to come inside when her brothers misbehave :crying:? It was so much simpler when it wasn't actually happening! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) --- Edited November 10, 2021 by prairiewindmomma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 10 year olds to have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends", I wouldn't do much of anything. I would reinforce via conversations that it's okay to be friends with other genders. Friends hang-out together, play together, spend time together. If you try to separate them it just draws more attention to the situation. As long as they're behaving like friends, and friends do have private conversations, then I wouldn't fuss about it. If they not only separate themselves from the group, but also try to hide from sibs or parents, then I'd intervene with some rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 2 days ago I would not have had any issue with her playing outside with the neighbor boy, they were friends. That is 1:1...and I was fine. Now it seems different...and I'm sad. I think I'm greiving the loss of something :crying: Can I rewind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 She will be 10 next month. Which means she has these feelings, but no concept of "inappropriate." (at least not in this context) That's what makes it confusing, she's so innocent...the boy is a decent sort...but....aaaaaagggghhhhhh! I can't get the words out Well, perhaps I would change the wording and not say "inappropriate," but I would still set the bar that we can't engage in pairing-off types of activities, because if you allow it now, you won't be (easily) able to recant and do something different once she's wearing a bra, kwim? It's kind of how it would be, say, if a boy wanted to sleep over (for dd). I would say no, because it doesn't look appropriate and it won't look any better in another year or two. So, no. Might you be able to go outside and have the boys be disciplined by sitting on the step or what-not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 10 year olds to have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends", I wouldn't do much of anything. I would reinforce via conversations that it's okay to be friends with other genders. Friends hang-out together, play together, spend time together. If you try to separate them it just draws more attention to the situation. As long as they're behaving like friends, and friends do have private conversations, then I wouldn't fuss about it. If they not only separate themselves from the group, but also try to hide from sibs or parents, then I'd intervene with some rules. Thanks! This is what I am trying to wrap MY brain and heart around. Part of this is my momther had no "rules" for me, and dh has only brothers...so were flying a bit blind! I don't want to blow it up, but at the same time my mommy radar went up :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Maybe...in some situations (when there's no one else outside playing), the boys could come in for a reprimand & then have another chance outside? Or you could see if she *wants* to come inside to help you ____________ (something fun). Baking cookies, painting, etc. GL. Luckily, ours have been oblivious to this sort of thing so far. Well, except when ds came home from church one night panicked that some "really old girl" (10, I think; he was 9) wanted to "marry" him. How did he know? She was looking at him funny. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Well, perhaps I would change the wording and not say "inappropriate," but I would still set the bar that we can't engage in pairing-off types of activities, because if you allow it now, you won't be (easily) able to recant and do something different once she's wearing a bra, kwim? It's kind of how it would be, say, if a boy wanted to sleep over (for dd). I would say no, because it doesn't look appropriate and it won't look any better in another year or two. So, no. Might you be able to go outside and have the boys be disciplined by sitting on the step or what-not? Good ideas! Thanks for helping me around the language issues. This particular time they had to come in...there were hysterics! ;) but, I will keep that in mind for next time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Maybe...in some situations (when there's no one else outside playing), the boys could come in for a reprimand & then have another chance outside? Or you could see if she *wants* to come inside to help you ____________ (something fun). Baking cookies, painting, etc. GL. Luckily, ours have been oblivious to this sort of thing so far. Well, except when ds came home from church one night panicked that some "really old girl" (10, I think; he was 9) wanted to "marry" him. How did he know? She was looking at him funny. :lol: I am loving the alternate ideas!!!! I was a bit muddled today, and hadn't preplanned this particular scenario. I'm starting to feel, a bit more prepared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Okay, I think I figured this out!!! Dd is lonely, she has yet to meet any girls her age in the neighborhood. She misses her girlfriends and "likes" the individualized attention she is getting from this boy. She really does not have a relationship concept...so to her this is as close to replacing her "friends" as possible. Part of me is relieved, another part thinks....poor boy! As soon as she finds a "girlfriend" he will be relegated back to her brothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Okay, I think I figured this out!!! Dd is lonely, she has yet to meet any girls her age in the neighborhood. She misses her girlfriends and "likes" the individualized attention she is getting from this boy. She really does not have a relationship concept...so to her this is as close to replacing her "friends" as possible. Part of me is relieved, another part thinks....poor boy! As soon as she finds a "girlfriend" he will be relegated back to her brothers. I know it is innocent with your dd but be aware that loneliness and wanting attention can drive lots of girlfriend/boy friend relationships. I hope she finds some girlfriends soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I'd also be careful about "forbidden fruit" in this particular case. She's young, it's innocent, I would try not to call more attention to it than necessary. Making the avoidance of them being alone together too big of a deal or something that *she* is aware of could backfire in a couple of ways: make her more curious about it sooner, OR make her have wrong ideas about relationships being inherently wrong or evil or something. It seems to me...the older kids get, the more parenting becomes a balancing act between showing interest & support & folding laundry while biting your tongue. :lol: My oldest is only 10, so I could be wrong, but I remember students when I was teaching (freshmen & up) trying to impress me w/ wild stories or suggestions that were better ignored than talked down. It's a fine line to discern the difference, & my luck, it's totally different as a parent than as a teacher. But I think the job of parenting through the older years is more dependent on unseen (to the child) strategy than the actual visible moves of the pawns & rooks, if that makes sense. *Crossing my fingers as the years whiz by!* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 She will be 10 next month. Which means she has these feelings, but no concept of "inappropriate." I see nothing wrong with being friends with boys. I myself have many male friends who are just - friends. I always had male friends when I was in high school. I'd would encourage the friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I see nothing wrong with being friends with boys. I myself have many male friends who are just - friends. I always had male friends when I was in high school.I'd would encourage the friendship. Me neither...technically :D. I think the verbage caught me a bit off guard. Now, that dd and I have talked more. I can see that she misses her "friends." We're going to be spending a bit more one on one time together, and visiting a new co-op next week, but I'm not going to make this boy/girl thing into more than it is or ever will be. Soccer starts in a couple weeks and then she will have a whole team of girlfriends. On the up side, this neighbor boy is treating my youngest ds with more kindness then he did before ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I wouldn't make a fuss at all, including saying anything is innapropriate, because it isn't, and saying it is and that she cant play with him alone is making it into something it isn't. They are 10! I too would encourage the friendship as just that, instead to taking it into the realms of forbidden sexuality, where it just isn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I wouldn't make a fuss at all, including saying anything is innapropriate, because it isn't, and saying it is and that she cant play with him alone is making it into something it isn't. They are 10! I too would encourage the friendship as just that, instead to taking it into the realms of forbidden sexuality, where it just isn't. :iagree: Completely. Not a big deal at her age. Don't sexualize it by viewing it through adult eyes. They're little kids and they're just friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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