Living in the shadow of an older sibling

[Guest]

My dd (3.5) is so sweet and such a trooper. Today, when my son got a gift from his piano teacher, she was crestfallen that there wasn't a gift for her. I saw the tears in her eyes, but she held them back. I feel like this is always how life is for her. With Awana, her little class is limited to one verse per week (which is all she can handle) but brother, who is master-memorizer over here has gotten a jewel every week. She only gets a patch about once a month. My son excels, there's just no way around it. But, he also gets to do things first - piano lessons, cub scouts, swimming lessons, you name it.

 

This is the way things are going to be for her for the rest of her life. She will always be living in the shadow of her older brother. I'm the oldest of four, so I can't comprehend those feelings. I think it makes it worse that there are only two of them. It's not like one child gets to do something and the rest don't - it's one does and one doesn't.

 

She's shy, she wouldn't do any kind of lesson or Daisy's or anything like that. She's in a good place, socially, in my eyes. But, I just feel like she feels left out and gets the short end of the stick most of the time. Is there anything you can recommend for a second or youngest child to help in situations like this? Thoughts?

[Medieval Mom]

She won't always be living in the shadow of her brother. Find activities that she alone does, apart from, and DIFFERENT from, her brother: different instrument, different sport, different classes, etc. She'll succeed in her own way.

 

And try, try, try NOT to compare the two. Please don't assume that this is the way that it always is and always will be, or you are setting a stage for it to happen. ;)

 

For what it's worth, the little ones don't always live in the shadow. Indeed, it is just as likely that they will outshine their elder siblings! :)

[Guest]

She won't always be living in the shadow of her brother. Find activities that she alone does, apart from, and DIFFERENT from, her brother: different instrument, different sport, different classes, etc. She'll succeed in her own way.

 

 

 

I guess I just said that because that's what I always hear from my younger brother. I'd like to think it doesn't have to always be that way.

[Sophia]

:001_huh:

I have five children who could conceivably say they are living in the shadow of an older sibling, yet none have ever expressed that, nor would I encourage that attitude by agreeing with it.

 

True, the oldest will get to do some things first...but it's his time to do ...whatever, and the others will all have their time, too.

 

As far as comparisons go, I would encourage you to find what is unique about each of your children, and recognize that as special and worth treasuring.

For instance, my three girls are each good at a couple things and their sisters wouldn't even think to try and compete because that's not their thing.

However, they recognize that they have their own special talent in another area, and there is no need for jealousy.

 

I do think your attitude will have a lot to do with how your younger child feels about living in someone else's shadow.

[mktkcb]

I understand how you might *feel* at this very moment, but I'm here to tell you that it will NOT be this way the rest of her life. Not unless she is a clone of her brother, with no interests of her own. Look.......they are very tiny children right now. 5 and 3.5 is exceedingly tiny. They have their whole lives to grow, mature, and explore their own interests. Trust me, when your daughter is a bit older, she will definitely be doing things your ds will not be doing, and she will have "firsts" all her own. But you need to ditch the "this is the way things are going to be for her for the rest of her life...." stuff. Cmon. Really??? No way Jose :o).

Kayleen (with 2 dd's, 19.5, 17.5, one ds 14....all of whom are completely different and have ALL taken different paths, and excelled in different areas)

[joannqn]

Agreeing with the others.

 

In our home, my 3 year old gets the short end of the stick. I have two students to homeschool and a nursing toddler. That doesn't leave me much time for him, until I recognized the problem and started changing it. I try to do things just with him. I take him with me to the store...just him. Or to the movies or some other place. We sing, "just you and me and nobody else," and he loves it.

 

I also try to include him when I can in our schooling...mostly science experiments, art, and history crafts.

[NanceXToo]

She won't always be living in the shadow of her brother. Find activities that she alone does, apart from, and DIFFERENT from, her brother: different instrument, different sport, different classes, etc. She'll succeed in her own way.

 

And try, try, try NOT to compare the two. Please don't assume that this is the way that it always is and always will be, or you are setting a stage for it to happen. ;)

 

For what it's worth, the little ones don't always live in the shadow. Indeed, it is just as likely that they will outshine their elder siblings! :)

 

:iagree:

[T'smom]

Sometimes the youngest overshadows the oldest. I would encourage them to develop different interests. My sister literally followed me around, doing everything I did- except better. I would tell my mom I didn't want to set the table and she would come right behind me saying "I'll do it!" I would try to get out of practicing the piano and she would "ask" if she could have extra practice time. (she was doing this to show me up- it's not like she had to have permission to play the piano- she could've just sat down and played to her heart's content.) She was so used to doing better than I- when she was in 7th and I was in 11th, we were both taking the ACT. (because she was in some gifted program). She scored significantly less than I did. Obviously- I was years older. She was devastated. She even had the same major in college and later had the same job (in different towns). A job that we did not go to school for. Seriously. By college, I was really trying to think that we had the same interests because we shared the same genes. But, especially when we were younger- she just did things to show me up.

 

Anyway- the way it is now will not last forever. The younger may end up overshadowing the older. I would strongly encourage you to help them find their own niche and to never, ever compare them. I still get upset when I think about things that my parents said that compared the two of us.

[Lolly]

So she will get to be the first to take violin, ballet, and be a girl scout. Even if she does decide to swim and play piano, it will still be the first time SHE does them. Did his being the first one of the two to say "mama" make it any less sweet when she said it? Did his taking the first step diminish her taking hers? Was her first birthday any less important than her first? No. You may have been a little more struck by them yourself because he was your first born, but they were no less important. First borns do have some advantages on other siblings. But, the second gets the benefit of having experienced parents. You will be learning on the first child. On the second, you tend to be more laid back. You probably put less pressure on her. You likely take more time to do the little things and enjoy the little moments than you did with him. I sometimes feel sorry for my first born. She really bore the brunt of my parenting mistakes. I am happy to say that I truly learned a lot from parenting her!:D

[Rosie_0801]

I'm intending to combat this in my household by training them to feel pride in their sibling's achievements. "Yes, Eldest, I know you can do that better, but that's not the point right now. The point right now is Youngest can do it now and he couldn't do it before, so we should be proud of that. After all, you don't really want to live with someone who is lousy at everything, do you!" (I'll report back in 15 years to let you all know if it works ;) )

 

I do know you can be too careful in finding separate domains for the kids. I remember my father congratulating me for getting a credit in the maths comp and my younger sister for getting a credit in the English comp. My sister just stared at him and it took a good ten minutes before he managed to absorb that I'd got both and she'd didn't get any. Then instead of being pleased with me, he seemed cross I'd stolen my sister's thunder! Weird huh? :rolleyes:

 

Rosie

Edited December 16, 2010 by Rosie_0801