Need advice...sister's neighbor in hunting accident

[Nicoleab2]

My sister's next door neighbor lost their 16 year old son in a hunting accident

yesterday. They also have a 14 year old daughter. I don't know details, only the family is obviously suffering and in shock. My sister has never been through this and is wanting to know what she should do to help or just to know what to say. I have offered some suggestions, but I have never been through this either. I thought of all of you wonderful mom's. Maybe there is already a post of others who have btdt that you could direct me to.

 

Should she tell other close neighbors or is that not her place? Should she organize meals? What about the funeral? She doesn't want to ask them when it is and she is not sure wether she should show up without being invited. She doesn't know anyone outside the immediate family to ask these things and since the family is in so much pain, doesn't want to add more stress. She is helping with their pets while they aren't home.

 

She is feeling very inadequate and struggles with knowing what to say or not to say, what to do or not to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank-you in advance.

[DaffodilDreams]

How awful. Our former nanny lost her fiance the same way. It was horrible. Like you mentioned, she was in shock for months and took a few years to really be okay. She ended up leaving the position because she just couldn't function. There wasn't much we could do except show compassion and make sure she knew we loved her. Of course, that relationship is a bit different than a neighbor type relationship. Coordinating meals is a great idea, but I wonder if a family friend or extended family member has already taken charge? Your sister could certainly prepare a meal and take it to them - maybe something that could be frozen? A card with a heartfelt message would be a nice gesture. Maybe she could offer to run errands for them while they are in the midst of funeral prep and such. It's nice that she's helping with the pets. The local paper will most likely have the funeral details, and then your sister could decide whether or not to attend. I'm so sorry for the family. This is going to be a really rough time for them.

[JFSinIL]

Is this the Bartlett teen I read about in today's local paper :-( ?

I think the local paper will have news about funeral arraignments - meanwhile, you sister should, when she sees one of the family members outside (I would not knock on their door at present) she should try to greet them, offer condolences and a sincere offer to help if needed in anyway.

 

Too sad.

[DaffodilDreams]

Forgot to add: if the funeral details are listed in the paper, it would be appropriate for anyone who knows the family to attend the services. You don't wait to be invited to a funeral. I've had several family members pass away, and, truly, the presence of others offering their love and support at the services is a huge comfort.

[Diane1]

Oh my, what a tradgedy. A card would definitely be nice plus a meal.

[Jacquelyn in NC]

You could offer to house sit during the viewing and funeral. Around the time my grandmother passed away, there had been a string of robberies targeting the houses of bereaved families. The funeral times are posted in the paper, so they knew which houses would be empty when. My grandfather's next door neighbor volunteered to stay at the house while the rest of the family was gone, to give us peace of mind.

[kalanamak]

I would go over and ask if there is anything they need. I'd bring something simple to re-heat, leave a card with name and number and INsist they call if they need anything picked up, taken care of, or people notified. I would reoffer in two days and again in a week. I wouldn't stay long, nor ask to come in.

In a couple weeks, I'd send a card, and in a month, I'd send a card and a small present to the 14 year old.

 

If it snows in the next couple of weeks, I'd get up very early and shovel their walk and drive for them, without asking.

 

If you sister is going to be emotional, or is flipped out by death or crying, she should let someone else do it. I take this kind of thing on myself because I am exposed to so much death, it doesn't sting me the way it does many other people.

 

HTH

[Nicoleab2]

Thank-you so much for such quick

responses. Wonderful, sincere advice. I know it should be easy

to think of these things. It sure helps to hear from others. It's such a sad time for them and I can't imagine going through it. It is the Grahm family in Ga.,

but it happened in SC. I am calling my sister right now and share what you

have said. I know it will give her some peace and assurance.

Nicole

[springmama]

One of my good friends lost her daughter a few months ago and this is how people helped- even people who didn't know them well.

 

2 ladies practically lived in the kitchen for that first week- organizing meals that were coming in, setting up a buffet table for the large number of family members coming through the house on a daily basis.

 

a few people handled all the laundry in the house for a few days and cleaned- this was background stuff that needed to be done by someone who wasn't grieving.

 

a neighbor worked with the church to organize a big family meal following the funeral.

 

I went and bought the father a new suit (with donations from friends) so he wouldn't have to worry about wearing the old one he had. Another friend went into the closet to get his sizes from old clothes so we didn't have to bother him.

 

Another friend went out and bought funeral outfits for the other kids and mom.

 

Someone organized a meal calendar through takethemameal.com

 

One person took pictures of Abigail to be enlarged and placed in fancy frames for the display table at the funeral.

 

Those are just some of the things I remember off the top of my head. I do know we didn't leave the family alone for at least a week after Abigails death and even after that, we made sure someone was there all the time to help out when needed. Brandy said she felt like she couldn't breathe when no friends were around, so we kept them company at least 2-3 people at a time.

 

I disagree with the recommendation to not knock on the door. Strangers came by to give Brandy a card and drop off a meal and when they did so, several of them asked to see her so they could pray with her and give her a hug. She said she was very touched by how many strangers took the time to come see her.

 

Everyone should go to the funeral. It's about showing support and love to the grieving family. The funeral director told them that usually only family shows up at the graveside service (they had the church service followed by graveside) and Brandy said she was very touched that so many people came to the graveside. They wanted people there and it was comforting when even strangers showed support.

 

You just can't love someone too much during a time like this.

 

So, there is lots your sister could be doing, but I promise if she just says "let me know how I can help" it won't happen. Grieving parents don't even know what they need and they certainly aren't going to go ask someone for help. There is probably a close friend organizing the kind of things I mentioned above. Your sister could probably go ask that person to give her some guidance on how she could help. Several times during that week after Abigail passed, I had Brandy's mother in law write out lists of things for me to do. Brandy and her husband had no idea what needed to be done.

 

some more ideas-

 

if she has room, she could offer to put up some out of town family member that are coming in for the funeral.

 

store food in her fridge or freezer (Brandy's family was given a new fridge because there was so much overflow)

 

pick up family members from the airport.

 

do the yard work

 

go get laundry and wash it at her house

 

sit with her, pray with her, cry with her.

 

 

Sorry for my ramble- I'm just throwing out ideas- I hope some of that helps.

[Unicorn.]

What Springmama said, and I will add this: Make sure there are basic necessities in the house. Stock them up on toilet paper, tissues, paper plates, napkins, plastic utensils, etc. so they don't have to worry about running out of what they need, and don't have to worry about washing dishes. Maybe have some juice and tea on hand so when people stop by, they can offer them something to drink. When my friend passed away, these are things that her husband said really helped, and most people don't think about.

 

She should definitely let neighbors know, attend the funeral, and bring a meal/meals if possible. Quick grab food is good (but not just sweets), something like fruit trays, veggie platters. Most people don't have the time or inclination to eat in those first few days. Meals are great for afterward, because they don't feel like cooking.

[springmama]

I agree about the paper products and such, but be careful with that. They ended up with a garage full of paper towels, plates, plasticware, napkins, tp, etc.....it is overwhelming trying to find a place to fit all of it.

[Renthead Mommy]

Definately let neighbors know. Both so they know and so they can help watch the house. It's sad to say but now is a time they could easily be targeted.

 

I agree the offer to house sit, especially if you don't feel comfortable going to the funeral would be a huge help. Coordinate with a couple of neighbors so one of you is always there during each viewing and then the funeral. Whoever takes the first shift could double check the toilet paper and papers towel/napkin situation like mentioned before. Then they can call and one of you could pick up and put it in place. It doesn't need to be something you 'take over' ("We're so sorry. Here we brought you TP." Would just feel odd all the way around.)

 

The fact that she's already helping with the pets is going to be a really big help to them.

 

If it's already snowing there, getting neighbors to help with that during the time leading up to the funeral would be great. It's bad enough to have to dig out your car just to go to work. I can't imagine having to do it so you could go to your child's funeral.

 

Making sure things like newspapers and mail get brought in might be nice also if you notice they aren't getting brought in. If they are functioning in 'shut down' mode, that's one of those tasks that may not even be on their radar for a few days.

[kalanamak]

 

I disagree with the recommendation to not knock on the door. Strangers came by to give Brandy a card and drop off a meal and when they did so, several of them asked to see her so they could pray with her and give her a hug. She said she was very touched by how many strangers took the time to come see her.

 

.

 

But I would sound the family out.

 

I recall one family I made contact with, and they really only wanted their extended family in the house (it was a pregnant mother whose husband drowned). And I knew a woman who lost her guide dog in an accident, (I know it is "just" a dog, but they were very close), and she really just wanted to be left alone.

 

I personally, wouldn't answer the door. I'd rather have molar pulled than deal with strangers at a time like that. In times like this, I try to follow the lead of the those who are grieving. Some families are very private.

[kalanamak]

Definately let neighbors know. Both so they know and so they can help watch the house. It's sad to say but now is a time they could easily be targeted.

 

 

:iagree:A classic time for breaking and entering. In NYC, a family shooting could lead to coming home to an apartment where everything including the carpets were stolen. :confused:

[springmama]

But I would sound the family out.

 

I recall one family I made contact with, and they really only wanted their extended family in the house (it was a pregnant mother whose husband drowned). And I knew a woman who lost her guide dog in an accident, (I know it is "just" a dog, but they were very close), and she really just wanted to be left alone.

 

I personally, wouldn't answer the door. I'd rather have molar pulled than deal with strangers at a time like that. In times like this, I try to follow the lead of the those who are grieving. Some families are very private.

 

Yes, but if everyone is afraid to knock at the door to offer support- that can be bad. When we went through this, several friends decided that if we had to make a mistake, it was better to love them too much than not enough. I'd rather have a friend saying "gee they drove me nuts trying to help" than "where were my friends and neighbors when I needed them most?" kwim?

[kalanamak]

Y I'd rather have a friend saying "gee they drove me nuts trying to help" than "where were my friends and neighbors when I needed them most?" kwim?

 

Yes, kwim, and I do advocate knocking on the door. But I do know I would hate it if people couldn't take the hint. I really, really disliked my neighbor laying hands on me and praying when I got a divorce. I'd rather be patted down at the airport.

 

And it isn't "driving me nuts". For us private people, it takes a lot of psychic energy to be public at times like this (it means putting on an act for public consumption). I cannot count the number of times I, in my younger days, held some weeping roomie when it was ME who had had the setback. I have learned, in many instances, I have to be strong for myself, and for some hapless person who is reliving the pain of their life. But, as a stoical person, I have had a lifetime of people leaning on me. If a person is a Weepy Wendy, she may attract a sturdier class of people. :)

 

And, horrible as it seems, some people descend to "help", but in fact they gather gossip in times of weakness. I recall one woman, who had lost a beloved FIL in a terrible situation, fell victim of this. Horrid, but true, so I have complete understanding if a family does not want my help.

 

So, the idea of "don't take no" and "do their laundry" is literally frightening to me. Please....don't do my laundry.

[Garga]

Since your sister lives right next door, I'd tell her to plan to be the person who helps them in the long run.

 

Every week or so when she goes to the store for her groceries, she could call or ask them what they need her to pick up for them, while she's there.

 

Your sister should plan on shoveling their snow, mowing their lawn, raking their leaves, etc. Anything that you can see that needs to be done.

[springmama]

Yes, kwim, and I do advocate knocking on the door. But I do know I would hate it if people couldn't take the hint. I really, really disliked my neighbor laying hands on me and praying when I got a divorce. I'd rather be patted down at the airport.

 

And it isn't "driving me nuts". For us private people, it takes a lot of psychic energy to be public at times like this (it means putting on an act for public consumption). I cannot count the number of times I, in my younger days, held some weeping roomie when it was ME who had had the setback. I have learned, in many instances, I have to be strong for myself, and for some hapless person who is reliving the pain of their life. But, as a stoical person, I have had a lifetime of people leaning on me. If a person is a Weepy Wendy, she may attract a sturdier class of people. :)

 

And, horrible as it seems, some people descend to "help", but in fact they gather gossip in times of weakness. I recall one woman, who had lost a beloved FIL in a terrible situation, fell victim of this. Horrid, but true, so I have complete understanding if a family does not want my help.

 

So, the idea of "don't take no" and "do their laundry" is literally frightening to me. Please....don't do my laundry.

 

 

I totally get what you mean- I guess it just depends on the family. My friend told me that she felt like she was suffocating when people weren't there so we just did our best not to let that happen.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yes, but if everyone is afraid to knock at the door to offer support- that can be bad. When we went through this, several friends decided that if we had to make a mistake, it was better to love them too much than not enough. I'd rather have a friend saying "gee they drove me nuts trying to help" than "where were my friends and neighbors when I needed them most?" kwim?

 

 

We had a family on our street lose their wife/mom suddenly. They had been very private and had not socialized with the neighborhood (this was the sort of place where we had street parties on holidays/birthdays and would often have buffets on weekends). They rebuffed offers of help after the mom was hospitalized and after she died.

 

Then the husband got angry because people hadn't helped or in his mind been friendly enough with his wife before her death.

 

The details are very petty on both sides. I know that you say and do things when you are grieving that you would not have predicted.

 

I wish I had been more forward in making offers.