Teachin'Mine Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) It's not specifically about homeschooling, but it definitely applies. :) Help Them, Teach Them, but Don’t Live Through Them By DAVE MARCUS Published: October 23, 2010 THE woman corners me after I give a speech about college admissions. “My son isn’t the best student,” she begins, “but we think he has a good chance of getting into. ...” I can guess: Stanford or Duke, Yale or Northwestern. I’m sure I already know the story. The boy has a B-plus average and disappointing SAT scores, but Dad went there, and a family friend used to work in the admissions office. For seven years, I’ve crisscrossed the country, discussing what I learned while writing two books about teenagers. Help your children find their hidden talents, I advise parents. Teach your children to be independent. Don’t live your dreams through your son or daughter. As this mother shares her application strategies, I want to recommend that she let her son find his path. I stay quiet, though, because I’m struggling to follow my own advice. Somewhere in my files, I have a photo of my son, Benjie, and me on the steps of the admissions office of my alma mater, Brown University. We were framed by glowing yellow forsythia, and I was beaming. Benjie was 2 weeks old. At the time, I was a fellow at Harvard. Soon after, I did a brief teaching stint at Dartmouth’s Tuck School of Business. I secretly hoped my son would go to one of those Ivy campuses. Maybe I saw that as the seal of approval for my parenting — my boy in Cambridge, Mass., or Hanover, N.H., or Providence, R.I. Benjie demonstrated, by his nature, that he had other plans. In kindergarten, he was the restless one who preferred exploring to listening to directions. When a private school turned him down for first grade, I felt I’d been gut-punched. The homework wars erupted in fourth grade — a 20-minute assignment stretched on for three hours, punctuated by cries of “I hate writing!” Later, while I tried to explain long division, he stormed out of the house. He stayed in the yard till dark, digging holes and watching birds. I pushed enrichment; he refused to try “stupid” scouting. He dropped soccer. Basketball lasted long enough for me to buy a uniform. Experts analyzed Benjie with standardized tests, and I fretted over his percentiles and hired tutors. At the same time, it seemed most of my friends’ preteens were doing genome research. Benjie is 14 now. At that age, I pestered teachers for extra-credit assignments. Benjie is satisfied with a C; he doesn’t understand why anyone cares about spelling words correctly; the notion of revising an essay is foreign to him. At 14, I knew I wanted to be a writer. When I ask Benjie what he sees himself doing in 10 years, he answers vaguely about working with animals. But he most likely won’t be a vet — too much chemistry and biology, he says. And yet Benjie has so much that I lack. As a teenager, I was a shy, awkward outsider. The other day, walking through Benjie’s school for a meeting, I saw him regaling a group of kids in the hallway with some fascinating tale. More important, he’s developed empathy. When he and six other students saw a classmate accused of shoplifting on a school trip, Benjie persuaded the others to avoid gossiping. Last summer, I envisioned Benjie toiling in a lab at science camp, but I lost the will to fight another battle. Instead, I sent him to stay with my brother and sister-in-law, who breed dogs. At their house, work begins at 5:30 a.m., seven days a week. Benjie would have to follow orders without excuses. Three hundred miles away, I waited for the call begging to come home. Instead, I got one-word texts like “awsomme” — misspelled every time, in true Benjie fashion. When the visit ended, my sister-in-law sent a note saying that Benjie had pitched in tirelessly with chores and even cleaned the yard after 17 spaniels dirtied it. He groomed dogs for two hours straight without getting antsy. “Benjie is an amazing kid and human being,” she wrote. “He is smart, funny, curious, caring.” Twelfth grade is a few years away, but I’m already imagining Benjie’s application essay: “My name is Benjamin but no one calls me that. I’m an animal-loving, cello-playing, cross-country-running nomad who has gone to six school districts in three states because of my dad’s stupid career.” I spend a lot of time in high-pressure communities, speaking to anxious mothers and fathers like me. We want our children to go to great colleges and prepare for a brutal job market. Still, I tell families to stop obsessing about campuses with marquee names. I’ve visited dozens of little-known schools where professors are far more engaged in teaching than members of Ivy League faculties. Also, in this economy, I can make a strong case for going to community college, mastering a trade or taking a gap year to earn money. Above all, I urge parents of high school juniors and seniors not to see their kids as SAT and ACT scores and G.P.A.’s, but as creative, unpredictable, unprogrammable teenagers with their own gifts. Like my son, Benjie. David L. Marcus is the author of “Acceptance: A Legendary Guidance Counselor Helps Seven Kids Find the Right Colleges — and Find Themselves” (Penguin Press). A version of this article appeared in print on October 24, 2010, on page WE12 of the New York edition. Edited to try to get it back into the proper format. Oh well ... I tried. : ) Edited October 24, 2010 by Teachin'Mine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Very nice, TM. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisabees Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 He and I seem to have the same 14 year old. Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in CA Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) I loved it. Thanks for posting. I often re-read this similar NYT piece: "Young, Gifted, and Not Getting into Harvard" (I may have heard of it here!). It too inspires me to "let go" :001_smile: ~Laura Edited October 24, 2010 by Laura in CA bad link Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you. Well timed and much needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted October 24, 2010 Author Share Posted October 24, 2010 I loved it. Thanks for posting. I often re-read this similar NYT piece: "Young, Gifted, and Not Getting into Harvard" (I may have heard of it here!). It too inspires me to "let go" :001_smile: ~Laura Laura another beautiful article! Thank you! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 These are great articles. Particularly loved the second one. Thank you for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Laura, thanks so much for sharing this! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in SW WA Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 This is exactly how I feel about college right now! I have a good friend(anti HSer) who is pushing so hard for her son to go to a big name. In this economy you need to rethink things. The good old boys club that had connections and got Ivy League grads jobs easily is gone. So many people have been laid off that now the playing field has been leveled. I strongly believe in CC where you can get a better idea of what you want before going to a 4 year school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine State Sue Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Thank you. I can totally relate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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