The saying "Intent of Somebody's Heart"....uggh(vent)

[dancer67]

There has been a long standing argument between myself and DH with his sister and her husband. The two of them are in a huff and ticked off at the two of us.(long story)

 

My MIL is also smack dab in the middle of this.

 

Everytime she brings up this *fight* between all of us, or I bring it up she ALWAYS comes back with the excuse "Well, you cannot see the intent of somebody's heart".. OR "People have the right to feel the way they want to feel"

 

For example.

 

I will say to her " I sent a really nice email to SIL to see if the kids could get together, and I got a nasty response"

 

Her: "Well people have the right to feel the way they want to feel"

 

Example:

 

Me: "She stood up in a room full of her family and started yelling and finger pointing at everyone calling them out one by one"

 

Her: "You do not know how she was feeling at that time, and you cannot see the intent of someone's heart"

 

Then I get the grand finale:

 

"Only God can fix this."

 

Now, my MIL was involved in this whole thing from the very beginning. She has sided with her daughter, no doubt. Then she has no problem telling ME what to do and how to *fix it*, but will not say the same to her daughter.

 

And when she asks me, or I bring it up those are the responses I get.

 

Obviously, I am done with discussing it. Since I am sick of hearing those responses.

 

But, even in other situations, I get those same responses over and over from her

 

Sorry, I just had to vent.

[PineFarmMom]

Well, it sounds like her responses might be good for you too. "Well, you just can't tell what's in my heart." "People have the right to feel the way that they feel." "You just don't know what I was feeling at the time." :D

 

The better approach would probably be to refuse to even go down a path of discussion with her. She will likely continue to behave in this manner each. and. every. time, so it would be wise of you to go in expecting her to behave in the pattern she has always proven to you and therefore make the change yourself. :grouphug: That is incredibly annoying. She raised the dd, so she's likely having a harder time with her own dd's behavior because she may be owning the responsibility for it?? I say that because I've seen other moms do it and myself do it at times.

[BigMamaBird]

Well, of course a person has the right to feel the way they feel. An emotional response is very involuntary. The thing is though, as you mature into an adult, you're supposed to learn self-control and not act out on every feeling you have. If you're hurt by someone, instead of sending them a snarky, hurtful email, the mature thing is to calmly talk it over with them and come to some sort of conclusion. And I'm pretty sure every single one of us has wanted to stand on a chair and give an entire room of people a piece of our mind, but for the most part, being part of polite society demands that you respond in a more dignified manner (though there are times I've let my inner toddler out.)'

 

It sounds like MIL is just coming up with excuses for this persons behavior.

[Chris in VA]

:iagree: You said exactly what I wanted to.

Well, of course a person has the right to feel the way they feel. An emotional response is very involuntary. The thing is though, as you mature into an adult, you're supposed to learn self-control and not act out on every feeling you have. If you're hurt by someone, instead of sending them a snarky, hurtful email, the mature thing is to calmly talk it over with them and come to some sort of conclusion. And I'm pretty sure every single one of us has wanted to stand on a chair and give an entire room of people a piece of our mind, but for the most part, being part of polite society demands that you respond in a more dignified manner (though there are times I've let my inner toddler out.)'

 

[2cents]

Judging from the responses you are getting from MIL, it sounds like she is trying desperately to stay out of it. Those are very non-committal comments. The kind you get when someone doesn't want to discuss something. It might be a good idea for you to keep the fight between yourself and SIL to avoid MIL being uncomfortable.

[AuntieM]

I honestly think this is your MIL's version of pass the bean dip. I gently suggest you leave her out of this in the future. If you are being the "bigger person" here you really should not expect her to take sides, especially against her own daughter. When SIL acts rudely, and immaturely, you need to just let it go. Trust me on this, as one scarred from battle myself. Engagement is not worth it. In the end, what would you actually "win"?

[LibraryLover]

Sounds like your MIL has got the art of The Bean Dip down.

[6packofun]

Oh that's so sweet and level-headed! lol I would have long ago said, "Well, everyone has a right to be an a**hole, but that doesn't mean it's right or productive." (...or healthy or nice or...) That's just immature and pathetic and I wouldn't engage people like that very often even if they are family. Ugh.

 

I always wonder where husbands are in these situations where their wives are treated like crap by the MIL, SIL, etc.

[Dobela]

Judging from the responses you are getting from MIL, it sounds like she is trying desperately to stay out of it. Those are very non-committal comments. The kind you get when someone doesn't want to discuss something. It might be a good idea for you to keep the fight between yourself and SIL to avoid MIL being uncomfortable.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[dancer67]

Oh my husband has said plenty to her. The problem is, she just doesn't listen and that is the response we always get.

 

She sounds like she wants to be involved when it is convenient for her. Then she will turn around and say things like this.

 

From now on if she says anything to me about this, I am telling her I do not want to discuss it any longer.