Giftedness - a blessing or a curse?

[Embassy]

I've been doing some reading lately about giftedness and it appears as though many gifted people struggle in life - some more than others. Adults are often frustrated and dissatisfied with life. If you are a gifted adult or know of a gifted adult does that mesh with what you have seen?

 

What can a parent of a gifted child do to enable their child to have a satisfying and happy life?

[forty-two]

I've seen a lot of that online, but personally I've always see being gifted as a blessing. I love seeing the world as I do.

 

Things that I think helped, in no particular order:

 

*My parents both acknowledged and accepted that I was gifted (my sister, too) - I never, ever felt like they wished I was "normal" - but also didn't make a big deal about it. It was just part of who I was, not some ability that overshadowed everything else about me (which results in giftedness being the thing upon which all hopes are pinned and the thing which is to blame for all troubles).

 

*My parents were big on honesty, were willing to admit when they were wrong, and also had a worldview that was substantially in line with reality. A lot of the gifted horror stories seem to involve parents or other influential adults that teach things as dogmatic truth that the gifted child can *see* just aren't true, and this can destroy trust in adults very early, to great detriment.

 

*On a related note, I was blessed to be raised in a denomination (LCMS) that has a lot of intellectual depth in its doctrine, that encourages questions, and that isn't afraid to say it doesn't know something (instead of advancing logically shaky arguments :glare:). So many gifted horror stories involve feeling like they have to turn off their brain in order to believe :(.

 

I sometimes wish my parents had done more wrt acceleration and other academic accommodations - I just went through ps like everyone else and wasn't challenged 'till college, which had a messy result :glare: - but it wasn't even on their radar :shrug:. And radical acceleration, which in theory I should have been capable of, has its own downsides. They *did* work hard to instill in me the character traits that would have enabled me to succeed in spite of the sudden challenge - it's not their fault (or my being gifted's fault ;)) that I chose to do otherwise. And I've bounced back, older and wiser, thanks to all they *did* get right :).

 

ETA: They always encouraged me to do *my* best, as opposed to get all As or be top of the class or something. And they let *me* be the judge, from a pretty early age, of whether a given effort was truly my best.

Edited September 11, 2010 by forty-two

[Storm Bay]

Gifted adults are a mixed bag, but I think there are quite a few who are dissatisfied with life for a variety of reasons. One of these is the difficulty in finding others who wish to have in depth, intellectual discussions. There are other reasons, too. A good read on this is Gifted Grownups.

[regentrude]

I've been doing some reading lately about giftedness and it appears as though many gifted people struggle in life - some more than others. Adults are often frustrated and dissatisfied with life. If you are a gifted adult or know of a gifted adult does that mesh with what you have seen?

 

No, this does absolutely not agree with my personal experiences. My DH and his brother are both gifted (tested as children) and both are very happy with their lives. (I am happy too and I might be gifted, but never got tested and see no reason to) The are working in career fields that are their passion, have families, stable relationships, are well adjusted, have friends, hobbies, interests and a positive outlook on life. This agrees with the experiences of many of my colleagues who are gifted (somehow, under Physics professors there seems to be a bit of a concentration, LOL)

 

One should keep in mind that most gifted people go through life without ever being tested and labeled. Often testing is done because of problems (which might not have anything to do with the IQ). So among the people who are tested and identified as gifted you already have a higher proportion of people with issues.

 

I see giftedness as a blessing. Completely. The one step I had to do for my children to allow them to be themselves was to remove them from a school system where the academic level is pathetically low. If I had better schools, or lived in my home country, they would attend the school without problems.

I find it important to give my children an opportunity to be challenged and to acquire good work habits (something the schools failed to do).

I expose them to lost of different experiences and let them participate in what we parents find exciting about life. We have a positive outlook and find the World an interesting place, learning is our life style.

I encourage them to select a profession they are truly passionate about because it is my experience that this is crucial to happiness. It is great if you can do your absolutely favorite thing for a living ;-) (I am surrounded by people like this)

 

Can't think of anything else right now. Really, most gifted people are doing just fine. It is a few profoundly gifted people who have serious trouble with his world because their brains work so completely different, and there are gifted people who have other issues such as Aspergers that cause them problems. (But even there it is not the IQ but the spectrum disorder that makes the problems.)

[SnegurochkaL]

I consider giftness being as a blessing, not a curse. When I was a young child I was too advanced academically and my mom was trying to slow me down because she "loved me so much". She thought being different as a curse so she wanted her the only child be "protected". It was hard to be around my peers but fortunately I was in accelerated class with extended learning of math so many pupils in my class were very academically advanced comparing to other kids. I had a close friend who was gifted too so we had a lot of in common. I prefered environment of academically accelerated students or college/university professors in my college years. My husband is gifted too, so we are a perfect match:) We are trying to create an academically challenging and creative environment for our children taking into account their gifts and personalities.

[zaichiki]

What can a parent of a gifted child do to enable their child to have a satisfying and happy life?

 

Oy. Yeesh.

 

I think our children look to us for their outlook on life. If we are generally thankful and appreciative for the experiences we have each day, then they will be too. If nothing ever makes us happy, nothing is good enough/something's always wrong, then they'll look at life that way when they grow up too.

 

(I have personal experience with this one. I don't think it's related to giftedness.)

[2smartones]

I've seen 3 sides of this first-hand...myself and my two siblings. (1) I'm frustrated many times when I talk about something I believe to be very simple and people look at me like I have three heads, however, I'm also blessed to see way beyond things most people see. It helps me plan ahead and think on my feet faster and easier than most people. I think it has helped me socially when I should've failed in some areas of socialization. (2) My sister has denied her gifted side. Our IQ's are only 2-3 points apart, and I know for a fact she's capable of so much more, but she's always chosen to be mediocre. She wants to fit into a world where people don't think like she does. (3) My brother is on the extreme end of giftedness, but he's also on the extreme end of mental illness. He's managed to find a wife who'll put up with him, and he has a brilliant little girl, but he simply doesn't function in society and perfers to never leave home. He's been to doctor after doctor and taken pill after pill, but he's still a genius trapped away in his own prison.

 

I don't know how to help you (or my own kids), but I'm learning every day and hoping I'll make all the right decisions. I see their struggles already.

[Sweetbeebie]

Being gifted has been a blessing and curse for my oldest. She has struggled from day one with peers, mostly due to her "adult" like thought processing. Even in first and second grade she would come home from school irritated about recess. She just didn't understand why kids would want to run around, play chase and do all those silly things kids that age do.

It's very important to help these little smarties socially....they are so smart yet clueless at times when it comes to basic human interactions. What has helped my daughter is to find a sport she loves and really stick with it. I started her young(3) and that has help combat the not so coordinated faze. It gives them a common bond with children in their age range, which is so important. I really think the huge issue for gifted adults is the lack of social skills. If it's taken care of now, then they can grow up to be much happier adults:)

[Embassy]

I think our children look to us for their outlook on life. If we are generally thankful and appreciative for the experiences we have each day, then they will be too. If nothing ever makes us happy, nothing is good enough/something's always wrong, then they'll look at life that way when they grow up too.

 

 

I agree that our outlook on life can be greatly influenced by our parents. The issues I have read about don't seem quite so simple though such as existential depression, perfectionism, isolation from peers, constant boredom, etc.

[learninearnin]

I was blessed to have a family who acknowledged how I thought and encouraged me to learn and discuss. I did really well in school, but I had a rude awakening in college when I actually had to study to make good grades. That was an adjustment to me b/c in PS I was never really moving at my pace. That's the biggest thing I try to allow my kids to do now.

 

As an adult, I sometimes get frustrated that I can't seem to just live in the moment without overanalyzing things, but it's who I am and I'm okay with it. I get my self worth from God, so I've learned that some of my 'quirks' are just how He made me and they're there for a reason. The best thing you can do is just love and listen to your child. Remain in control as the parent and set boundaries, but allow them to explore their interests and move at their pace (which, by the way, is usually asynchronous in subjects). As the others have said, you can help them to accept themselves by accepting them and don't worry - they'll be fine!

[zaichiki]

I agree that our outlook on life can be greatly influenced by our parents. The issues I have read about don't seem quite so simple though such as existential depression, perfectionism, isolation from peers, constant boredom, etc.

 

I guess I don't see those issues as something that can impede a person's ability to have a happy life (well -- except for depression -- but there's nothing a parent can do to prevent mental illness).

 

I have a perfectionist. He still finds plenty of happiness in his life.

 

Isolation from peers? That's been discussed here ad nauseum: it's possible to find peers/friends, especially with a little help getting to places by mom and dad.

 

Constant boredom? We don't have that issue at all, so the thought never crossed my mind. It sure sounds like it would hamper happiness, though.

[galtgrl]

We view it as a blessing, absolutely. I personally think it allows us to find humor in alot of everyday occurrences...but that's also connected to our worldview.

 

The issues I have read about don't seem quite so simple though such as existential depression, perfectionism, isolation from peers, constant boredom, etc

.

 

I agree that gifted kids brought up with certain worldviews can suffer more from existential depression at a young age, but it doesn't have to be that way.

As far as boredom, well, if we're homeschooling we really shouldn't have that issue either. Isolation from peers...not sure what you mean by that. Intellectual peers? If that's what you're referring to, then that's a life-long thing gifted folks have to deal with. It's almost essential, imo, to have a spouse who operates at the same intellectual level. Then at least one person in the world doesn't look at you as if you are crazy :lol: when you think a Symphony of Science youtube video is just awesome (maybe that's just me, though).

The curiosity we have about, well, everything, makes life an adventure. It's also great that we now can explore some of these crazy topics with our kids. So, yes, it's a blessing. :001_smile:

[Embassy]

I agree that gifted kids brought up with certain worldviews can suffer more from existential depression at a young age, but it doesn't have to be that way.

 

I'm not sure what you mean. What worldview would keep a young child from angst at the state of the world?

 

As far as boredom, well, if we're homeschooling we really shouldn't have that issue either.

 

I agree we can tailor our homeschooling to help allieviate any boredom. I was thinking of the adult who needs to have 1000 things going at once or the adult who gets bored of a career in a short amount of time.

 

Isolation from peers...not sure what you mean by that. Intellectual peers? If that's what you're referring to, then that's a life-long thing gifted folks have to deal with. It's almost essential, imo, to have a spouse who operates at the same intellectual level. Then at least one person in the world doesn't look at you as if you are crazy :lol: when you think a Symphony of Science youtube video is just awesome (maybe that's just me, though).

 

Yes, intellectual peers. I suppose it would be more difficult to find peers for the PG especially if their circle of influence doesn't involve any. I agree with you about the spouse thing. I've heard that spouses "fit best" when they are within 20 IQ points of the husband/wife.

[zaichiki]

Yes, intellectual peers. I suppose it would be more difficult to find peers for the PG especially if their circle of influence doesn't involve any.

 

It could depend on where you live and what classes/activities are available to your kids. We've always lived within driving distance of large cities with lots of opportunities through universities and similarly-minded homeschool groups etc. Granted, we have to drive quite a bit. Sigh. I guess I've come to accept that.:driving:

 

(And I should add that my kids are not PG, though we have had a handful of friends over the years who are -- through "Mom chat" I know about opportunities available to them.)

Edited September 12, 2010 by zaichiki

[regentrude]

What worldview would keep a young child from angst at the state of the world?

 

 

A positive outlook of the parents. Parents who are excited and curious about the World, who enjoy life instead of fearing it. Who love to try out new experiences, meet new people - but who at the same time are contented with their lives, jobs, families. Who don't feel threatened by new and unfamiliar things, don't envy others what they have, and take adversity as a challenge, not an unsurmountable obstacle.

[MissKNG]

I've heard that spouses "fit best" when they are within 20 IQ points of the husband/wife.

 

LOL! I've heard that too! My PG dad and very average mom have been married for 42 years!

[Embassy]

A positive outlook of the parents. Parents who are excited and curious about the World, who enjoy life instead of fearing it. Who love to try out new experiences, meet new people - but who at the same time are contented with their lives, jobs, families. Who don't feel threatened by new and unfamiliar things, don't envy others what they have, and take adversity as a challenge, not an unsurmountable obstacle.

 

 

I can see how having a negative outlook on the world can impact your children. I think we may be talking about different things though. Existential angst or depression isn't caused by anyone - although I agree it could be exacerbated. It is commonly found among the gifted idealists who find that the world falls short from the ideal. Combine idealism and intensity and you have a child who is quite frustrated. I don't see how a parent can prevent that by a positive outlook because the idealism and the intensity are part of who the child is.

 

Webb in this article states

 

Dabrowski implied that gifted individuals are more likely to experience existential depression; several concepts within his theory of positive disintegration explain why gifted children and adults may be predisposed to this type of depression (Mendaglio, 2008b). Fundamentally, Dabrowski noted that persons with greater “developmental potentialâ€â€”an inborn, constitutional endowment that includes a high level of reactivity of the central nervous system called overexcitability—have a greater awareness of the expanse of life and of different ways that people can live their lives, but this greater developmental potential also predisposes them to emotional and interpersonal crises. Persons with heightened overexcitabilities in one or more of the five areas that Dabrowski listed—intellectual, emotional, imaginational, psychomotor, and sensual—perceive reality in a different, more intense, multifaceted manner. They are likely to be more sensitive than others to issues in themselves and in the world around them and to react more intensely to those issues. To the extent that they have intellectual overexcitability, they are more likely to ponder and question. Their emotional overexcitability makes them more sensitive to issues of morality and fairness. Their imaginational overexcitability prompts them to envision how things might be. Overall, their overexcitabilities help them live multifaceted and nuanced lives, but these same overexcitabilities are also likely to make them more sensitive to existential issues.

[regentrude]

I have just skimmed the article and found already several issues I have trouble with, such as this one:

 

"in order to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with another person, that person should be within about plus or minus 20 IQ points of one’s ability level. Outside of that zone, there will be differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which will likely lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant."

 

This would mean that parents of average intelligence would not be able to form meaningful relationship with mentally disabled children. Not my experience (I have a mentally retarded brother).

 

I have no time or inclination to finish reading the article, because none of the gifted people I know suffer from existential depression. I have been depressed myself and resolved the issues (which had nothing to do with giftedness). I know that those kinds of feelings are typical for the teenage stage.

I do not know whether my acquaintances had those phases and successfully managed to resolve them - or whether they never had those, perhaps because they lack the emotional overexcitablility (which I do not see as a general trait of gifted people.) If anything, the gifted people in my family are extremely emotionally stable and more rational than other people I know.

It was also interesting that the long list of people affected by existential depression were almost all artists and writers (with the exception of Pascal)- most genius scientists seem to not have the same amount of problems.

 

I just don't buy it that intellectually gifted kids (to narrow the definition, because the whole "multifacetted" giftedness is too wishy-washy and lacking a measurable definition) are predestined to become miserable depressed individuals. Just does not tally with my experience.

[Embassy]

"in order to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with another person, that person should be within about plus or minus 20 IQ points of one’s ability level. Outside of that zone, there will be differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which will likely lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant."

 

This would mean that parents of average intelligence would not be able to form meaningful relationship with mentally disabled children. Not my experience (I have a mentally retarded brother).

 

I think this statement was mainly talking about friends and spouses. Family relations are a whole different ball of wax in my book anyway.

 

I just don't buy it that intellectually gifted kids (to narrow the definition, because the whole "multifacetted" giftedness is too wishy-washy and lacking a measurable definition) are predestined to become miserable depressed individuals. Just does not tally with my experience.

 

Some intellectually gifted children do have emotional sensitivities and some do not. It is not that they are destined to be that way. If a child is not emotionally sensitive then it may not ever be an issue. For those who are, it is helpful to understand the issues and know what steps to take to help children live a happy life.

[SnegurochkaL]

 

Some intellectually gifted children do have emotional sensitivities and some do not. It is not that they are destined to be that way. If a child is not emotionally sensitive then it may not ever be an issue. For those who are, it is helpful to understand the issues and know what steps to take to help children live a happy life.

 

 

I had an issue with extreme emotional sensitivities in my childhood. I dealt with it myself and was able to change some viewpoints by the age of 18. My daughter is very sensitive too(I guess, we have the same genes) so I am trying to help her to conquer it. I am hoping that skating will help her to be a " little bit tougher" and be a better competitor.

 

My son is sensitive too, but he is only 3.5 and his sensitivities are related to perfectionism and when he is getting pushed around by his older sister.

[HeidiD]

I've been doing some reading lately about giftedness and it appears as though many gifted people struggle in life - some more than others. Adults are often frustrated and dissatisfied with life. If you are a gifted adult or know of a gifted adult does that mesh with what you have seen?

 

What can a parent of a gifted child do to enable their child to have a satisfying and happy life?

 

 

Neither a blessing or a curse, I think. I view it as a neutral trait, and the effect upon each individual is dependent on a constellation of other factors.

 

I've seen the psychological and emotional downside played out in my family. My father is brilliant, but he doesn't "suffer fools gladly" :tongue_smilie: so we lesser mortals can really grate on his nerves. So much of daily life (even for those people fortunate enough in their career or other opportunities to have sufficient intellectual stimulation) is by necessity mundane and repetitive, and in his case, this has had a depressive effect. His constant need to think, research, analyze and emote on so many things is hard for other people to live with day to day, and crowds out the opportunity for relationships with people who don't experience the world with such intensity. And this compulsive drive makes relaxing a difficult proposition. Case in point: His pleasure sailing suddenly morphed into designing and constructing a boat from scratch singlehandedly, and without any prior knowledge. :lol: Naturally the boat was completely seaworthy (we used it for years, after which he sold it for a profit:lol:) because his relentless perfectionism wouldn't allow for anything else. But the whole endeavor was the opposite of relaxing. :tongue_smilie:

 

So, lesson learned: BALANCE in life is essential, and I think that in order to work towards it, each person needs to glean insight into their particular psychological profile, and in the case of "gifted" people, how it causes them to experience the world differently from the majority of the population. Hopefully, this will also help them to function effectively in the social realm. My brother is mathematically gifted, but close relationships elude him, and he's not happy. He never had the opportunity to develop a realistic understanding of his particular strengths and weaknesses.

 

I think it's really important to avoid intellectual arrogance (no one is always right) and try to cultivate a bit of humility. Intellectual strength needs to be put in its proper perspective. Was the formulation of the theory of relativity of more import to the human race than the example set by Mother Teresa? And could Einstein or Mother Teresa paint beautiful pictures? Hitler could, but his life was motivated by evil. Of all three lives, hers followed the simplest path. I doubt she zoomed through piles of books a week like my father (though in reading her diary, it's clear that she was intelligent), and she certainly spent most of her time doing the most mundane and even repulsive tasks. And yet she radiated peace and joy, which are IMO the greatest blessings a person can experience, and since intellectual giftedness doesn't directly contribute to that potential, it's neither a blessing nor a curse, just an incidental characteristic that must be dealt with by each individual in their own unique way. :)

[Storm Bay]

I'm not sure what you mean. What worldview would keep a young child from angst at the state of the world?

 

.

 

 

This is a great question. My ds is a gifted & tends toward angst. He also had an early cognizance of large issues as well as spiritual things, etc. However, it has taken a lot of time & teaching from the Bible as well as comfort & encouragement to help him. We've also found that gluten makes him depressed. It's strong enough that he avoids it like the plague. I don't think that any worldview alone is enough to help a young child from all angst, especially when they are thinking very big thoughts that they aren't yet able to articulate.

 

Gifted dc and adults come in all different temperments. As for finding friends, I wish I had the link to a thread on the old boards where some of the pg parents have always had difficulty finding enough people to talk with. I don't think that that's always the case for pg adults, of course, but not all pg adults have the ability and/or the interest to discuss things most adults talk about. That could be said for other gifted adults as well.

 

I have head of statistics (can't remember where they come from) that say that the higher a woman's IQ is, the less likely she is to get married. Men tend to marry women who have lower IQs than they do (yes, there are exceptions.)

 

As for what your parents tell you, that doesn't work for all gifted dc (or all of any kind of dc). There is so much that goes on in life that can affect dc, and not all dc will respond the same way. I've thought of my giftedness as both a blessing and a curse at various times in my life.

[give_me_a_latte]

One of these is the difficulty in finding others who wish to have in depth, intellectual discussions.

:iagree:

[SnegurochkaL]

 

I have head of statistics (can't remember where they come from) that say that the higher a woman's IQ is, the less likely she is to get married. Men tend to marry women who have lower IQs than they do (yes, there are exceptions.)

 

 

Well, I guess my husband is an exception:)

We came from different backgrounds and different cultures/languages. He thinks that I am smarter than him, but I think we are equal because we do not "compete" in the same fields. His strength in math/physics etc vs mine in math/languages/history. Generally men don't like smart women, I agree with this. It was one of my mom concerns that I wouldn't merry because I would be too smart to find someone special:)

 

I just want to be sure that I don't raise intellectual snobs who think they are better than anybody else. They might be, but showing off and bragging about it is not allowed in our family.

[HeidiD]

He has been sailing as a hobby for a couple of years now and recently started designing his own boat. So far it's still relaxing for him but I am not looking forward to the building stage.

 

Are you planning to ride in it? Better wear your lifejacket! :lol: Just kidding - sounds like he'll do a thorough job of making it seaworthy.

 

For dh, his abilities are a mixed bag. On one had he really enjoys being able to take in information and he loves being good at his job. He gets frustrated by superiors who don't understand what he does and why though. If he has a supportive boss who just lets him work, it can be great.

 

I wonder if this commonly experienced frustration is what drives the need for so many projects/outlets?

 

Whether one is the "Smartest Man in the Room" or even "Promille Man" :) the apparently incoherent thinking and behavior of some people (people you have to produce with at work, people in the political realm, people you live with, neighbors) can get stressful. I've noticed that the people in the uber-geek branch of my family seem to have a lot of hobbies, but not necessarily typical ones (building boats is not a generally recognized mode of relaxation :)). And though the majority of them are employed in math/science careers, many of them turn to painting, music, etc. to relax.

 

Lucky for me he is a really great teacher in his areas of interest and the kids love that.

 

That's terrific. And it sounds like he has a "can-do attitude" as well. :001_smile: