I did a bad, bad thing!

[Carrie12345]

My 12yo is a very bright boy. The type of bright person who believes there is no good reason to ever apply effort to any situation :glare:. We've been making progress when it comes to challenges that include detailed instructions, but we still have our setbacks.

 

His biological father is a normal-to-bright person who believes there is no good reason to ever apply effort to any situation. He has few skills, little work ethic, and zero ambition.

 

I've spent 11 years focused on refraining from any negative talk about his dad. And then, in the midst of another "JUST TRY!!!" argument that nearly brought me to tears, I let loose with an "Or you're going to turn out just like your father!"

 

:eek::svengo::blush5::leaving:

 

I sent him off to take a lunch break, and now I'm freaking out, trying to figure out how to run damage control. Help!!!!

[LG Gone Wild]

None.

 

You spoke out of fear and frustration. Just explain to your son why you said what you did. Bio dad is living a miserable life due to his inclinations, you want a happier, fulfilling future for your son. Being a lazy person will only bring misery.

[Barb_]

My 12yo is a very bright boy. The type of bright person who believes there is no good reason to ever apply effort to any situation :glare:. We've been making progress when it comes to challenges that include detailed instructions, but we still have our setbacks.

 

His biological father is a normal-to-bright person who believes there is no good reason to ever apply effort to any situation. He has few skills, little work ethic, and zero ambition.

 

I've spent 11 years focused on refraining from any negative talk about his dad. And then, in the midst of another "JUST TRY!!!" argument that nearly brought me to tears, I let loose with an "Or you're going to turn out just like your father!"

 

:eek::svengo::blush5::leaving:

 

I sent him off to take a lunch break, and now I'm freaking out, trying to figure out how to run damage control. Help!!!!

 

He's a 12yo bright boy. He's probably already figured out that his father is shiftless. When he comes back, you can apologize for losing your temper and tell him that what you said wasn't very nice but that you're worried about him and his future self.

 

BTW, have you heard about the counter-effects of certain kinds of praise? The Power and Peril of Praising Your Kids. Perfectionism can look curiously like laziness.

 

Barb

[Carrie12345]

 

BTW, have you heard about the counter-effects of certain kinds of praise? The Power and Peril of Praising Your Kids. Perfectionism can look curiously like laziness.

 

Barb

 

Oh, he's definitely the perfectionist! I've definitely been struggling to "undo" more than 5 years of ps blanket praise. Many days, I feel it's a losing battle. :glare:

[Heatherwith4]

None.

 

You spoke out of fear and frustration. Just explain to your son why you said what you did. Bio dad is living a miserable life due to his inclinations, you want a happier, fulfilling future for your son. Being a lazy person will only bring misery.

 

:iagree:

[Carrie12345]

Thank you all for not making me feel like a completely terrible person!

 

I did sit down with ds, and I explained my frustrations. Now I just hope he doesn't go off and repeat what I blurted at some point!

[Hedgehog]

I did sit down with ds, and I explained my frustrations.

 

:iagree: I wish I could say that I've never said anything out of frustration, but I surely have. So I have to apologise to dc, and we talk about it. These conversations are often very productive - they learn that although we try, people aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. You're a great mama for working with your son to help him become a diligent, hardworking adult and he'll thank you for it when he's old enough to realise how important it is! :001_smile:

[OnTheBrink]

That's it. I'm calling Dr. Phil RIGHT NOW! :lol:

 

I think a pattern of this kind of thing does damage; not just one frustrated outburst. :grouphug:

[LauraGB]

Oh Carrie! :grouphug: At 12 years old, your ds knows a lot more than you might think he does. If you and his father aren't together, he's already formed his own ideas about why. Your verbalizing that which aided in the separation is just validation about something he's probably already put together on his own.

 

You are not a bad mom. In fact, I think you deserve praise for being so diplomatic about it to this point. If these are traits you see repeating, you have every right to voice them (and honestly, at this age, I think it makes more of an impact if delivered in frustration, even though it may not be ideal).

 

I think your ds is old enough to know one of the reasons that separated you and his bio dad. And he needs to you talk to him about it separate of the cause of "explosion", because he is a young man now, and it is your job to help mold him to the best of your ability, or at least be able to provide information to help him make the most optimal choices.

[Laurie4b]

I think an unqualified apology is necessary about the remark about his father. I think it's important that you say that it is absolutely wrong for one parent to say something like that about another and you shouldn't have done it. (In other words, no matter how tempting the situation was, his behavior didn't make you say it. You said it. Your choice. Your foul.) I would ask for his forgiveness because saying things like that about the absent parent is hurtful to the child and causes resentment of the parent who said it. BTDT

 

I disagree with a pp that one thing can't do damage; it can. BTDT too. As his mother, your words are powerful, and so I think you also have to work to extricate him from the "fate" put on him: "You'll be just like (a failure like) your father." I would find things that are good about his dad and say that you hope he will be like his father in x,y,z. (Saying this both partially undoes your previous dig at his father by acknowleging good things. This will be very important. It also, though, gives him an acceptable way to aspire to be like his father.) I would say that you see how some of the choices your xh has made have hurt him and you don't want to see your son hurt in the same way. Expressing your observations of small ways that he's changed would probably be effective.

 

I think it's better to acknowledge that something one's done is "bad" as you've already done and then work that deeply on reconcilation rather than smoothing over it and hoping it wasn't all that bad after all.