What would you do?

[luna]

We have come to know another family in our homeschool group that has two daughters similar ages to mine. These girls are extrememly sheltered and kept out of any "pop" culture (no tv, other than what has been screened by parents, no radio, etc.) We have gotten together with both families at each of our homes. I made the effort because I knew they all needed friends. My husband can talk to just about anyone and thought things were okay, though the father talks A LOT and really wants to dominate the conversation. We attributed that to him being the homeschooling parent and lack of socialization with adults. The mother is extremely needy and has asked on two occasions if they have offended us in some way when we were unable to make a commitment to get together. She emails and calls repeatedly. My daughters have confessed the other girls make them feel stupid and aren't very nice. When I asked why they didn't tell me sooner, they said, "because you said they didn't have any friends." They felt badly for them, but are tired of putting up with them.

So, after that lengthy description, what would you do? I am at a loss-I've tried explaining how busy we are (we really are), but she continues to press, saying she will take the girls for me. I am not in any way comfortable with that. We will have to see them in group things, so I don't want to be blunt about my girls feelings. I am open to your shared wisdom....

THANK YOU!

[Nestof3]

Honestly, I don't understand why you felt the need to "rescue" them from their parents keeping them away from pop culture/being sheltered. I would never presume that another family "needed" friends.

 

At this point, I think it would be best if you would just explain to them that your daughters do not really mesh with their daughters. I think when you take on a charity case like it sounds like you've done, you have to be prepared to deal with as a charity case or remove yourself from it all together.

 

Oh, and some people are just more talkative than others. I've met plenty of non-homeschooling people who don't seem to notice when everyone in the room is tired of hearing them talk.

[luna]

Thank you for your thoughts. I never felt the need to "rescue" them and respected their parenting practices when we first met. As we've gotten to know them, it all seems overbearing. I think there are multiple issues going on, too many to list. I simply responded to her desire to get together over a year ago. She was the one who was worried her girls didn't have friends. Her girls told mine they get up really early in the morning to listen to the radio without the parents knowing or they'd get in a lot of trouble. They have lied to the father about recording songs and putting them on an MP3. Hearing these things puts me in an awkward position as well as my daughters. I'm sorry you took it that I was taking on a charity case. I never saw it that way and didn't mean to come across as though I was judging her. I am frustrated by it all and want to do the right thing by her family and mine.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

They sound like really unpleasant people and obviously not friend material for your family. I see that you are trying not to judge them although you really disagree with their methods, but I don't think you should feel guilty for distancing yourself from them.

 

Can't you just tell her that your girls are too busy for playdates right now and you'll be seeing them at group functions? Pick a phrase that will work for any invitation, whether by email or phone, and use it until she gets the hint.

 

"I'm sorry, we just can't do ________. We'll see you at next month's meeting, though!"

 

Or something like that.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Dulcimeramy
saw the update, changed my tone

[kalanamak]

 

Can't you just tell her that your girls are too busy for playdates right now and you'll be seeing them at group functions? Pick a phrase that will work for any invitation, whether by email or phone, and use it until she gets the hint.

 

"I'm sorry, we just can't do ________. We'll see you at next month's meeting, though!"

 

 

 

:iagree: Keep everything cool, polite, and brief. I was once reduced to dropping a cookie sheet so I could interrupt with "Oh no! There goes the baby" click.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

:iagree: Keep everything cool, polite, and brief. I was once reduced to dropping a cookie sheet so I could interrupt with "Oh no! There goes the baby" click.

 

 

"Oh,Dear, it appears that my youngest child has just rolled off of the changing table. Gotta go!"

 

(and, yes, I do realize that your youngest is age 9!)

 

:lol:

 

Don't over-explain. I like the "cya at the next meeting" bit.

[MistyJ]

I think of the phrase, "I never met a man so foolish I couldn't learn something from him."

 

And my husband's, "Saints don't pick their friends." (Applies only to Christians.)

 

If these people do have so many issues, might your kindness, even at the expense of ease, serve to help them through a hard time? We are often attracted to people who have a quality we admire. There must be something in you this woman wishes she could emulate.

 

Just my two cents.

[Mallorie]

Your dander is up, for whatever reason, and I think this is one of those situations that you need to follow your gut or you'll regret it. It's ok to set boundaries. :)

[Margo out of lurking]

At this point, I think it would be best if you would just explain to them that your daughters do not really mesh with their daughters.

 

:iagree:

 

If you don't offer some explanation (short and non-specific, as above), she will press you for details.

 

You might consider telling her what your dds have shared with you, that one of the issues is that her children shared the fact that they hide certain things from their parents (give the specifics here), and that makes your girls very uncomfortable.

 

It is hard, especially when someone either doesn't get it, or doesn't want to respect your boundaries. I've been trying to extricate from a friendship, and I've had to just flat out say, no, I'm sorry, we can't make it--even when she rescheduled events in the hopes that I could make the new date.

 

Being nice and responsive encourages friendship. You can't be that way in this situation.

[NanceXToo]

I think you just need to email her and be forthright, even though I know that's awkward. Constantly saying you're "busy" is just leaving the door open for her to keep trying.

 

I think you need to email back and tell her something like:

 

"I'm very sorry. I did so hope that our dc would mesh well together as I know they are all close in age and in need of friends, but my daughters just do not feel that they have clicked well with yours outside of a group setting for whatever reason, and I do not feel that I can or should force a close friendship on them. I'm sure they will continue to interact at group get togethers, but I think we're going to have to let go for the time being of the idea of them getting together at each other's houses. Sorry!"

[WishboneDawn]

I think of the phrase, "I never met a man so foolish I couldn't learn something from him."

 

And my husband's, "Saints don't pick their friends." (Applies only to Christians.)

 

If these people do have so many issues, might your kindness, even at the expense of ease, serve to help them through a hard time? We are often attracted to people who have a quality we admire. There must be something in you this woman wishes she could emulate.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I think that's a good way to look at it if it means the two of them can get away from family on a coffee date or something every once in a while but I'd draw the line at getting together if it meant imposing on my kids and making them hang out with kids that aren't treating them well.

[Mom0012]

I think you just need to email her and be forthright, even though I know that's awkward. Constantly saying you're "busy" is just leaving the door open for her to keep trying.

 

I think you need to email back and tell her something like:

 

"I'm very sorry. I did so hope that our dc would mesh well together as I know they are all close in age and in need of friends, but my daughters just do not feel that they have clicked well with yours outside of a group setting for whatever reason, and I do not feel that I can or should force a close friendship on them. I'm sure they will continue to interact at group get togethers, but I think we're going to have to let go for the time being of the idea of them getting together at each other's houses. Sorry!"

 

I think this is a perfect response.

 

Lisa

[grace'smom]

Maybe if you call her on your own or email her and ask if they are attending the next meeting, or whatever group function is coming up, she will believe you when you say you are just busy and can only meet up at group events. Because she'd see you took the initiative to call and see if they are attending. Then you wouldn't have to feel guilty for not wanting to do personal playdates because you'd still keep her friendship on a group level. However, she sounds very persistent so that could make no difference at all. You'll know very quickly if she is going to persist even after you express your desire to see her at group functions. Then you'd have to decide what to do from there.

[starwarsmomma]

I'm so wierd.

LOL

 

My solution is to make her not want to be friends iwth ya'll.

 

Invite them to concerts-- Kiss, Ozzy Ozbourne, etc...

Ask the girls to join your daughters in the newest club-- The Free Lindsay Lohan fan club.

Invite the family to join your family in the newest violent R rated movie in 3d.

Invite the family to all go to hooters together.

Send them the video of Miley Sirus' new video, tell them your daughters are going to take a dance class to learn to dance and sing like that. Invite their daughters to join.

 

 

 

You'd LOVE to spend time with them! Here's your schedule (see above), and ask them what they'd like to join ya'll on!

 

(evil giggle)

 

ANd yes, I have done this. But the family I was trying to get rid of was PSYCHO nuts. Like we were afraid of them. LOL