Separate bedrooms?

[Denisemomof4]

This has been one of the saddest threads I have ever read. To think that snoring and the like would keep a married couple from enjoying daily intimacy... I just don't get it. My dh can snore and wake me up but then I am able to go right back to sleep. Sharing the same bed and being intimately close to each other is way more important to me than sleeping without interruptions from snoring and such. One day, we or our spouse will no longer be here. If my dh goes first, when that day comes I want to be able to say that we spent every available minute intimately enjoying each others company. I would never want to go on living with regrets thinking all the "I wish I had..." thoughts. We are not allowed the privilege of going back and redoing what we neglected to do in the first place. My love and affections for my dh will always trump my need for uninterrupted sleep. I don't mean to offend anyone with this but I had to say what was on my mind. I do hope that some of you will seriously reconsider your desire to sleep apart from your husband.

 

I think you really need to be more respectful. Do you know what it's like to suffer from insomnia for 30 years? Do you know what it's like to go 5 days on 10 hours sleep total? Do you know how one feels when severely sleep deprived for years on end? Obviously you don't.

 

I find your post incredibly rude. Insomnia is a medical issue. Having one's husband awake you from his snoring is just a minor inconvenience to some, but devastating to others like me. Two nights ago ds went for a glass of milk at 2:30 and dropped the glass. I was up until 7:00 because of that. Do you know what that's like?

 

Do you know what it's like to suffer from crippling migraines due to sleep deprivation? Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to homeschool and lead a normal life on so little sleep?

 

I'm in a third generation of insomnia. My grandmother had it, my father has it, me and my siblings have it. IT's a serious issue. Maybe you need to consider this before assuming that I just don't want to be bothered by my husband's snoring.

 

Oh, and maybe you need to realize that severe sleep deprivation shortens the lifespan. My HUSBAND wants me to be around as long as possible.

 

BTW, we don't have separate bedrooms but I think it would be a good idea.

 

I've always HATED it when someone feels their way is THE RIGHT WAY and everyone else is just not doing things as well as them.

 

Yes, I'm cranky today because I didn't sleep well last night. You have no idea.

[Snickerdoodle]

I'm in a third generation of insomnia. My grandmother had it, my father has it, me and my siblings have it. IT's a serious issue. Maybe you need to consider this before assuming that I just don't want to be bothered by my husband's snoring.

 

Oh, and maybe you need to realize that severe sleep deprivation shortens the lifespan.

 

Chronic insomnia is extremely hard on the body.

[Denisemomof4]

Chronic insomnia is extremely hard on the body.

 

yeah, tell me about it. But maybe I shouldn't be so self indulgent and allow myself to feel the affects of insomnia.

[Peela]

This has been one of the saddest threads I have ever read. To think that snoring and the like would keep a married couple from enjoying daily intimacy... I just don't get it. My dh can snore and wake me up but then I am able to go right back to sleep. Sharing the same bed and being intimately close to each other is way more important to me than sleeping without interruptions from snoring and such. One day, we or our spouse will no longer be here. If my dh goes first, when that day comes I want to be able to say that we spent every available minute intimately enjoying each others company. I would never want to go on living with regrets thinking all the "I wish I had..." thoughts. We are not allowed the privilege of going back and redoing what we neglected to do in the first place. My love and affections for my dh will always trump my need for uninterrupted sleep. I don't mean to offend anyone with this but I had to say what was on my mind. I do hope that some of you will seriously reconsider your desire to sleep apart from your husband.

 

Then you are projecting on to those of us who sleep separately, that we are unhappy, lacking intimacy, that we are sacrificing intimacy for sleep, and that we will regret it when we no longer have a spouse.

Not true.

My love and affections for dh are far stronger when I am well rested and have enough alone time. As are his feelings for me.

It appears you lack the ability to imagine that the way your marriage works best, is the way everyone else's should also work best. And it is not so. Fortunately, we are all very different.

And perhaps you also have not suffered from terrible sleep deprivation, or sleep deprivation does not affect you as seriously as it does many others. It is a major cause of depressions for many, many people. It feels so terrible that getting enough sleep becomes a far higher priority than a snuggle.

[hornblower]

Hon - you ARE being offensive & making judgements about how this is "sad" & that couples who choose to not sleep together are not intimate, close, or do not love each other.

 

Someone could make a lot of comments about how others don't seem to have healthy boundaries and are martyring themselves, & resigning themselves to poor sleep (& all the attendant health problems poor sleep causes) all due to some cultural premise about how & where people sleep, or maybe some paranoia about losing a loved one. Someone could make these comments, but nobody has.... 'till now. LOL.

 

It doesn't float your boat - fine. It works for others.

Sleeping together does not equal sex does not equal intimacy. Many of us can accomplish the others without the first.

 

Oh & I breastfed my babies through toddlerhood & co-slept with them. I know all about giving up sleep for certain important things. But most dh's are not babies. My dh knows about object permanence & he can soothe himself to sleep just fine :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

This has been one of the saddest threads I have ever read. To think that snoring and the like would keep a married couple from enjoying daily intimacy... I just don't get it. My dh can snore and wake me up but then I am able to go right back to sleep. Sharing the same bed and being intimately close to each other is way more important to me than sleeping without interruptions from snoring and such. One day, we or our spouse will no longer be here. If my dh goes first, when that day comes I want to be able to say that we spent every available minute intimately enjoying each others company. I would never want to go on living with regrets thinking all the "I wish I had..." thoughts. We are not allowed the privilege of going back and redoing what we neglected to do in the first place. My love and affections for my dh will always trump my need for uninterrupted sleep. I don't mean to offend anyone with this but I had to say what was on my mind. I do hope that some of you will seriously reconsider your desire to sleep apart from your husband.

[Mynyel]

My hubby sleeps on the couch (his preference) because I co-sleep with ds2. He used to sleep with us but stopped when he was waking up the baby when he would come to bed. He goes to bed later than the rest of us.

 

He now prefers it that way :)

 

The way we figured it, back in the day only poor people slept in the same bed/room. The "nobility" had separate rooms. So we are just living like nobles :tongue_smilie:

[Anna]

I think one thing that some people may not realize is that not everyone equates sleeping in the same bed as intimacy. Not everyone snuggles, spoons, or likes to have long conversations at night…..

 

When we are going to sleep...There is no intimacy, no closeness, nothing that either of us are missing. We are intimate at plenty of other times; we don't wait for bed at night. We have closeness, when we want it. If one of us wanted intimacy at bedtime, we would make that happen, then we go our separate ways.

 

So, before you tell me how sad my marriage is...realize that not everyone puts the importance on sleeping next to someone as you do.

 

When I say “intimacy†I’m talking about emotional and sexual intimacy and I realize that sleeping in the same bed does not automatically make for healthy intimacy. Why was this thread sad for me to read? I guess it's because at my age I'm realizing that our time on this earth is so brief. We can get so caught up in parenting, homeschooling and other things in life where being emotionally and sexually close to our husband can easily become a nonessential.

 

My husband is one who can easily hit the pillow and be out like a light but still, he would be devastated if I wanted to sleep in separate beds, let alone separate rooms. We both treasure our alone time in bed while the kids are in their rooms. Our bedroom time at night is our main alone time each day. We even make a point to go to bed at a decent hour, usually between 8:30-10pm, so we can have that alone time before sleeping. I love my kids as much as the next guy but one day my kids will move out and it will just be my husband and me in the house. This is my time to nurture that relationship.

 

And yes, my husband snores some and I rarely sleep entirely through the nights. One of our kids is a type 1 diabetic (ie, insulin-dependent) and she has bipolar I disorder, both of which often keep her emotions on a roller-coaster ride even through the nights. She was diagnosed with diabetes 13 years ago so I haven't slept sound in 13 years.

 

In the culture I grew up in it would have been unheard of for a husband and wife to sleep in opposite ends of the house; it's foreign to me. But for those of you who don’t care about sleeping in the same room and your husband doesn’t care and you're able to enjoy a healthy dose of intimacy… then you have no problem. You’re happy, husband’s happy so everybody is happy.

 

Tap, that’s great that you and your dh can enjoy physical intimacy at other times of the day but for many of us, our dh’s are only home for nights and weekends and our kids are here too. If we didn’t sleep in the same room we would rarely get to be alone.

 

Obviously I have offended you although it was unintentional. My apologies to you and to others who I have offended.

[Joanne]

Obviously I have offended you although it was unintentional. My apologies to you and to others who I have offended.

 

I think it was the assumptions that were in your response. I actually sleep with my husband, but if you see my earlier post, I wrote about how you can't make any accurate assumptions based *soley* on where people sleep.

 

That's true for spouses, parents, kids and babies.

[mama23]

We have been in separate bedrooms for a number of years now. He was working all sorts of crazy night shift hours, hours where he is at work at 3 or 4am, so rather than waking me, he just sleeps downstairs in his bedroom. We have tried to sleep together on his days off, but I cant stand the snoring and I like my space in the bed!! LOL! Since the separate bedrooms, we still managed to have more kids!!

[Narnian]

Separate bedrooms? As an extreme introvert with a need for plenty of time to spend quietly and alone, I'd have to say... NO WAY.

 

My husband has a job that occasionally requires him to work a night shift, and when he does we always lament the loss of quality time together -- and by quality time I mean that simply being physically near each other while we sleep has a nourishing effect on our relationship, in the same way that reading a book aloud to each other, talking, or the other kind of sleeping together (wink, wink) has.

 

Our time together as a couple is short enough already in meeting the daily demands of life, and I would not willingly give up 6-8 hours of being near my husband at night, too.

[Anna]

Thank you- Joanne, mame23 and Ohbe for your gracious posts. Again, my apologies to everyone I offended.

[Anna]

I wanted to come back here and explain something but thought it would be best to wait until everyone was through 'telling me off'. I think that what I said in my OP was not exactly what I meant to say and that’s totally my fault… not making excuses. What I was thinking when I read the thread was that most of our (ie, my dh and I) alone time happens in our bedroom every night. We live in a small house and at any given time one or both of our kids are home. So basically when we’re home, our bedroom is the only place that we know we have privacy and we have that privacy every night for some 6-8 hours. I was only thinking that it would be sad to me if we didn’t have that chunk of alone time each night. I see that you guys work in your alone time in other ways that work for you and your spouse. Again, my apologies.