What should I do with this information?

[extendedforecast]

This weekend DH went to his brother's house to help him with a project. I stayed home with the kids because I didn't want my kids to be in the way. The next day DH shared with me a comment made by my niece who is a little over a year older than my oldest DD.

 

He said that she went up to him and said, "DD is into boys, but she hasn't told you yet." It came right out of nowhere, and he said it seemed like niece was very eager to tell him. DH asked her how she knew, and she said that my DD told her. After that, DH changed the subject, because he doesn't like gossip.

 

So the idea that my DD is "into boys" does not bother me a bit. When I was her age, I had a crush on Kirk Cameron :blush:. The only boys she could be into are ones on TV. Unfortunately she doesn't have many close friends right now, but the kids she spends time with through HS groups are all girls.

 

I am irritated that my niece blabbed what I think is personal information about her cousin. If this gossip is true, my DD confided in her, and my niece betrayed my DD's trust. SHould I let my DD know this so she can learn not to tell DN any more secrets? DD and I are pretty close; she has come to me with all her questions about growing up without any embarrassment. She already knows that part of the growing up process includes being attracted to the opposite sex (or sometimes the same sex). She is never teased or shamed, so I do not see why she would withhold such information, except that she may not be ready to talk about it. I'm not sure if I should just pretend I ever heard this in the first place, or ask her about it. WWYD?

 

ETA: DD is 11, almost 12, homeschooled, and about to be in 6th grade. DN is 13 and about to be in 8th grade at PS.

Cindy

Edited June 16, 2010 by extendedforecast

[Danestress]

This seems like such a not big deal to me. I am not sure why your neice said this, but it seems sort of silly. At a certain age, all girls are, on some innocent level, into boys and I would probably have said that in response and not thought further about it.

 

It doesn't seem like betraying something personal because it's not personal. We are, most of us, made to be "in to" the opposite sex on some level at a certain point developmentally.

 

I guess it was an attempt at being gossipy, but it seems like a part of becoming an adult to learn what is gossipy and what isn't and to master that instinct, so I would not hold it against niece too much and would not want to make a big deal out of it if it would poison my daughter's relationship with her cousin. If there is more going on with this cousin that makes you think your DD should not trust her, that's different. But if this is the only thing, I would not emphasize it. I would just keep doing what you are doing already - fostering an environment where your daughter can be comfortable talking to you if she wants to. And I might keep an eye on the niece a bit to just satisfy myself that she's a good friend for DD even though this may have been a slip.

[Heatherwith4]

I would just let it slide.

[HeidiKC]

It doesn't seem like betraying something personal because it's not personal. We are, most of us, made to be "in to" the opposite sex on some level at a certain point developmentally.

 

I guess it was an attempt at being gossipy, but it seems like a part of becoming an adult to learn what is gossipy and what isn't and to master that instinct, so I would not hold it against niece too much and would not want to make a big deal out of it if it would poison my daughter's relationship with her cousin.

 

:iagree:

 

It would be much different if she had told your husband something that actually was personal. You don't mention how old these girls are (or did I miss that?) but that is just silly pre-teen talk and I would guess this same niece would keep an important secret that your daughter told her - something that was personal and not silly.

 

I wouldn't worry about it at all. The whole thing is just kind of cute!

[Parrothead]

I'd tell dd about it. I would hope that it would be a talk that reiterates no secrets in the family, and that lets dd know she can't trust her cousin.

[MyFourSons]

I'd tell dd about it. I would hope that it would be a talk that reiterates no secrets in the family, and that lets dd know she can't trust her cousin.

 

This seems a little harsh, and maybe a harsh attitude like this is the reason their daughter would rather speak to her cousin than her mother in the first place.

 

I think that the neice may have been trying to be helpful, after all she was letting her cousins parents know about something that their daughter was too embarrassed to tell them. That could be seen as trying to make sure that there are no "secrets in the family." If she had blabbed to all her friends, or even been more specific in what she said, it might be seen as gossip. In this context, it seems like she is trying to keep the adults in the situation informed as to what is going on, which is responsible.

 

I think you need to calm down, I don't think your young niece was being malicious and if your daughter is too embarrased to speak to you about it, maybe you can now bring up the subject in a gentle way. Otherwise, this seems like perfectly normal behavior.

[Mejane]

I wouldn't be surprised if your dd said it because her older cousin said she liked boys. I'd let it go.

[Nakia]

I would let it go. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me at all.

[Harriet Vane]

This seems like such a not big deal to me. I am not sure why your neice said this, but it seems sort of silly. At a certain age, all girls are, on some innocent level, into boys and I would probably have said that in response and not thought further about it.

 

It doesn't seem like betraying something personal because it's not personal. We are, most of us, made to be "in to" the opposite sex on some level at a certain point developmentally.

 

I guess it was an attempt at being gossipy, but it seems like a part of becoming an adult to learn what is gossipy and what isn't and to master that instinct, so I would not hold it against niece too much and would not want to make a big deal out of it if it would poison my daughter's relationship with her cousin. If there is more going on with this cousin that makes you think your DD should not trust her, that's different. But if this is the only thing, I would not emphasize it. I would just keep doing what you are doing already - fostering an environment where your daughter can be comfortable talking to you if she wants to. And I might keep an eye on the niece a bit to just satisfy myself that she's a good friend for DD even though this may have been a slip.

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

This seems a little harsh, and maybe a harsh attitude like this is the reason their daughter would rather speak to her cousin than her mother in the first place.

 

I think that the neice may have been trying to be helpful, after all she was letting her cousins parents know about something that their daughter was too embarrassed to tell them. That could be seen as trying to make sure that there are no "secrets in the family." If she had blabbed to all her friends, or even been more specific in what she said, it might be seen as gossip. In this context, it seems like she is trying to keep the adults in the situation informed as to what is going on, which is responsible.

 

I think you need to calm down, I don't think your young niece was being malicious and if your daughter is too embarrased to speak to you about it, maybe you can now bring up the subject in a gentle way. Otherwise, this seems like perfectly normal behavior.

Whoa. Why is it harsh to let your daughter know that her secrets are not safe with her cousin? I think you are reading much more into my post than was there. I never in any way said that the daughter needs to be punished or disciplined for having a secret. I said that maybe this incident can be used to reopen the lines of communication. I never said that this had to be done in a way that embarrasses or demeans the child in question.

 

Sheesh.

[Chris in VA]

I want people to come tell me about my kids, tho I prefer they come themselves.

 

I'd let it go, but be on the look out for my dd's behavior.

 

Dd will find out soon enough if the niece "can be trusted." Perhaps she found out that the niece can be trusted to tell you if something "not good" is going on with your dd--and I think that's actually a good thing.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

If I were in that situation I would talk to my daughter about it. Not in a confrontational manner, but something like "Daddy heard from (DN) that you were into boys. It's okay if you are, you can talk to me about it, I won't get mad"...

 

I feel like if she told DN and not you, she probably wasn't ready to approach it with you, but if YOU bring it up she might be ready to spill!! :D

[extendedforecast]

Thank you for your opinions. I think I might be more upset than is necessary because I am putting myself at that age in the situation. The thing I forget is that my relationship with my parents was very different than my DD's relationship with DH and me. I never had that type of relationship with my parents. For example, I never had the talk about sex or menstruation or even relationships. The only thing my mom did was offer to put me on the pill when I was 16. I wasn't even sexually active, and she didn't bother to find out. So at that age, I kept most of that stuff to myself because it was awkward to talk to my mom. So when I think of someone telling something that would have been so personal to me, I get angry. BTW, I edited my OP to say that my DD is almost 12 and my niece is 13.

 

Cindy

[usetoschool]

My concern isn't with your dd but with the neice. What kind of girl is she? It seems odd that she would feel the need to tell her uncle, out of the clear blue sky about his daughter and her interests. Maybe it was innocent and in the interest of helping, or maybe she was trying to stir up trouble. Could be that dd didn't even "tell" her anything, no big secret involved, just said she thought someone was cute or whatever. Was it really personal information and a secret? Or was it normal young girl conversation that the neice thought to make something out of and be a tattle tale, or whatever. Don't know her so maybe this is totally out of character for her but from the outside, like I said, I am more puzzled by the neice than worried about your daughter. And, fwiw, I wouldn't bring it up with dd because it seems like it would just make things awkward and uncomfortable, like her new feelings are being watched and talked about and catalogued - unless you feel the need to warn her about the tale teller.

[tex-mex]

I would let it go. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me at all.

:iagree: Otherwise you come across as being into ds' privacy or causing a war between her and cousin. Let it go. That was a total junior high "girl" thing with your niece and dh. Catty behavior. If she does it again, let dh handle it.

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, I would probably just say something generic to dd like, "It's not always wise to tell your friends all your secrets. Some people aren't able to keep things to themselves." I'd make an effort to couch that in a conversation about friends, or communication or trust or something along those lines so it doesn't sound like it's coming out of the blue. Basically, the idea is to communicate to her that she needs to be careful about confiding in other people. Her cousin isn't the only person she needs to consider. You don't have to go into what led you to say that - you just want to clue her in to the fact that not everyone is worthy of her trust.

[extendedforecast]

My concern isn't with your dd but with the neice. What kind of girl is she? It seems odd that she would feel the need to tell her uncle, out of the clear blue sky about his daughter and her interests. Maybe it was innocent and in the interest of helping, or maybe she was trying to stir up trouble. Could be that dd didn't even "tell" her anything, no big secret involved, just said she thought someone was cute or whatever. Was it really personal information and a secret? Or was it normal young girl conversation that the neice thought to make something out of and be a tattle tale, or whatever. Don't know her so maybe this is totally out of character for her but from the outside, like I said, I am more puzzled by the neice than worried about your daughter. And, fwiw, I wouldn't bring it up with dd because it seems like it would just make things awkward and uncomfortable, like her new feelings are being watched and talked about and catalogued - unless you feel the need to warn her about the tale teller.

 

You just summed up my feelings about the whole situation. My issue is not with my daughter; that she likes boys is no big deal. I am really curious as to what my DN's intentions were. They are not super close; they see each other about once a month. DN is much more mature than DD; she's into boys, Twilight, Teen Nick, and gravitates more toward the adults when family gets together. DD plays with Loving Family dolls pretty much daily with her sisters and friends. She also plays with Polly Pocket and Barbies, doesn't watch much TV, except for DVD's and the Wii and prefers to play with the kids when family gets together. Honestly, I don't know her well enough. We moved here to be closer to family a year ago, so I hadn't seen her in 6 years, and I haven't gotten to spend much time with her. I just get to hear about her through her Dad and STB step-mother.

[extendedforecast]

Well, I would probably just say something generic to dd like, "It's not always wise to tell your friends all your secrets. Some people aren't able to keep things to themselves." I'd make an effort to couch that in a conversation about friends, or communication or trust or something along those lines so it doesn't sound like it's coming out of the blue. Basically, the idea is to communicate to her that she needs to be careful about confiding in other people. Her cousin isn't the only person she needs to consider. You don't have to go into what led you to say that - you just want to clue her in to the fact that not everyone is worthy of her trust.

 

Really good advice. Thank you.

[Nakia]

You just summed up my feelings about the whole situation. My issue is not with my daughter; that she likes boys is no big deal. I am really curious as to what my DN's intentions were. They are not super close; they see each other about once a month. DN is much more mature than DD; she's into boys, Twilight, Teen Nick, and gravitates more toward the adults when family gets together. DD plays with Loving Family dolls pretty much daily with her sisters and friends. She also plays with Polly Pocket and Barbies, doesn't watch much TV, except for DVD's and the Wii and prefers to play with the kids when family gets together. Honestly, I don't know her well enough. We moved here to be closer to family a year ago, so I hadn't seen her in 6 years, and I haven't gotten to spend much time with her. I just get to hear about her through her Dad and STB step-mother.

 

My gut is that she is just a normal tween girl. Unless you see more severe and inappropriate behavior, I still think it's no big deal. Girls are silly.